alecrain Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 This is my first post, I've decided to join this community after reading many similar stories here, and I think they really helped me out. The backstory: My wife and met at the young age of almost 18, we were going to highschools (different ones) in our home town in Poland. We've really only had one relationship before we met and we were really into each other. That was just over 15 years ago. We've been always saying that "we were lucky we met so young, we didn't have to look for love for most of our lives and we grew together"- that was true for me till a few months ago. We've spent every possible minute together, we really loved each other. We had very similar interests, even went though the uni together. We sat the lectures next to each other, made friends as a couple and never considered we it wouldn't last. During the uni, I had an opportunity to study for a semester aborad- it was one of the hardest things ever, being separated for those months. But we talked everyday, wrote letters and all and never did anything to jeopardise our relationship. Few months before graduation (after being engaged for 2-3 years) we got married- mostly because we didn't imagine our futures not together, wanted to share our surname on our diplomas and thought it'd be easier for us to move to Australia for me to do my PhD. We were happy! The now: We've been living in Melbourne 7 years now and things were perfect, or so I thought. I've been busy with my degree, my wife found a full time job in a nearby lab. We were still close but I wanted her to make new friends here and encouraged her to find herself here. She left her family back home and followed me to the other side of the globe, I was so grateful and proud. We've never cheated on each other, never had explosive fights, silent days or any real problems. We've adopted two dogs and they became "our kids". Struggling with my degree I've been reevaluating my life plans and together we've decided that I should try to do what I love and start a photography business. We took our time brainstorming and starting it up, she's been so supportive I couldn't believe how lucky I was. We were making big plans... One day she's told me that she's missing home, struggling here with meeting new "true friends" and that her English is prohibiting here from developing further. She said she wasn't happy... I was in shock! How did it happen, what can I do? I was being a guy and try to fix the problem. I became more attentive to her needs, more encouraging, more loving and intimate. Took care of myself more and we had a beautiful couples photography session done (it was very meaningful, especially since that's the kind of photography I specialise in). Soon after that we've become pregnant... I couldn't be happier, and she had her spark again. We got too happy too soon as in the 8-9th week we lost the baby. It was soul crashing. I was staying strong and became the most supportive and understanding husband I could imagine. We cried together and kept trying month after month... Few months ago, I saw her being "down" for few days, I thought it was the work, the traffic, the homesickness, the fact we couldn't get pregnant again. We had a talk, I had to convince her to open up to me as I saw she was hurting. I thought that no matter what it was we could fix it. That night she told me she didn't feel the happiness, and that even though she loved me "she wasn't in love with me anymore". I was devastated, I saw how hard it was for her to express that without hurting me but it just hit me so hard. I could not look at her for the next couple of days, she understood and apologised. I told her that I won't give up on us and that I'll do everything to save us. We just needed to get away and reconnect. Soon after we went for a great trip and all was good again. Ever since that talk I couldn't shake this feeling that perhaps I won't be able to fix it. The "what ifs?" kept creeping to my head. What if we get pregnant- will it help or will it make things so much harder in the future? What if we buy a house? What if I try harder? I started to notice that she wasn't her full self, somedays were better some a bit quieter. She started asking hard questions, taking me by surprise every time. Yesterday, all of a sudden she started crying and saying that she's not happy in Australia, that she's not able to grow here, that all her best friend are back home and that she's not sure she wants to buy a house here anymore. In her lowest she said she's not sure if loosing the baby was actually a bad thing! I knew what she meant and it hurt... we cuddled and she fell asleep but I couldn't -that's when in the middle of the night I found this forum and read about G.I.G.S. (Grass is greener syndrome) and it all made sense. Reading stories here I learned that it's probably too late now, that she's hurting and she needs this. That the only thing I can do is to be honest, supportive and give her some space. I started writing a letter to her, I'm planning to give it to her in a couple of days when I go away for a week for a conference. I want her to know that I now understand what she's going through, that even tough I want the marriage to survive I love her too much to see her suffer like that... Any tips on what to do next?... ps. I'm not going back to Poland- she knows that and doesn't expect me. But I know she's drawn there...
CptSaveAho Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 theres really only one wrong way to deal with gigs and that is to be a complete sissy thats attached to the hip and constantly emailing, texting, writing letters honestly, the best way to go through it for you is to NC and move forward. people that gigs are ticking time bombs and you can't help them, they have to figure it out on their own the more you help them, try to fix them, they more they will resent you and the more pain you cause yourself
cafemochaplease Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I'm not familiar with G.I.G.S., but it sounds like you are contending with a lot right now. Have you guys considered speaking to a counselor?
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