DeserveMore Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 In a nutshell, my wife told me 3 weeks ago that she doesn't love me and feels trapped and claustrophobic in our home. We have two little girls under the age of 7. I don't cheat, have a good job, support her in everything she does. I found out she has been having an emotional affair with a guy that works for the same company but different office. I told her to break it off which she says she has and she insists it hasn't gotten physical. I'm not an idiot and know there's a good chance she's lying. She has texted the guy in front of me on our date nights!!! She is capable of anything at this point. Anyway, fast forward to yesterday and she comes home to tell me she was at the OM's office for meetings and that she had lunch alone with this guy. I told her that it was totally disrespectful and that she is to have no contact with him from here on out. She says she feels terrible for hurting me and that she just wanted to make sure that she doesn't feel anything for him and that she doesn't. Has she taken this relationship underground ? I feel like I'm the nice guy that is being punished for women say they want in a man. I am also getting extremely resentful of her and am actually fantasizing about how to hurt her the way she has hurt me. I'm not that kind of guy but am keeping my options wide open. We are both in counseling and will probably end up in couples counseling. I don't want this for my girls and am trying. Another issue is that we are sexually incompatible . She says its just another chore to her. I need it to feel close to her and haven't been fulfilled for 12 years. It's getting tough to justify all of this effort. The past few days it seems like she is trying but today was a set back. Something is bothering her but she won open up......arrrgh!
worldgonewrong Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 How do you intend to make her feel the consequences of her decision, without injecting anger/malice into the equation?
aliveagain Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 (edited) Have you made your boundaries clear, are there consequences for breaking those boundaries? If you make a boundary you must be willing to carry out the consequence. Cheaters are liars, it is very likely that if the affair has been going on for a while there is more she is keeping from you, you only know the tip of the iceberg. This may explain why you think there is more that is bothering her, she may feel the part she is not telling you may end your marriage. Having lunch with him in private and without your approval is serious disrespect for you. She chose him even knowing your wishes, and knowing it would hurt you to find out. I think more happened. You need to make it very clear to her that you choose your family and marriage first but you refuse to stay in a marriage where you have to share your wife with another man. Let her know that you will not stay in a relationship with secrets, specially secrets from you that your wife shares only with the OM. Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights even if you don't pursue divorce. If the OM is in a relationship expose him to his spouse, don't tell your wife your going to do this, just do it. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Edited June 12, 2013 by aliveagain spelling
Author DeserveMore Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 The other man is single. I know who it is. I emailed him and told him that I know they have been talking and that he needs to cut contact with her. He surprisingly responded, apologized and said he would cut contact. After multiple times of her disrespecting me I told her that I apparently need to specifically draw a line. I told her she is to have no contact with him if she wants this marriage to work. I also said that if she doesn't I will be forced to do what is best for ME and that I refuse to be walked on like this. She said there will be no more contact. I didn't threaten divorce but certainly implied it. Right now I don't trust a word she says. Her actions as of late say she is trying to work on things but I am extremely skeptical and guarded. I'm not dealing with it well but am trying. 1
aliveagain Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 A good book that may help you is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, really helped me. You may leave it laying around for her to read. Friend, she needs to leave her job, she and other man can not work for the same company. Start her job hunting today. You need to decide what is more important to you, her job or your marriage, she needs to leave now. Has she written you a timeline of the events, how it started, personal contact, physical contact? Is she in IC, MC won't work as long as she is still in contact with her affair partner so don't waste your money until she commits to the marriage. If she doesn't agree with you than you have a much bigger problem. Write out what you need in order for you to remain in the marriage, no contact, fidelity, transparency, honesty, access to email, phone. If she can't agree to your terms why waste anymore time, why prolong the hurt. You may have to talk to their HR department if contact continues, again what's more important, saving your marriage or her job? 1
GuyInLimbo Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 You've been unfulfilled for TWELVE years and you think this is going to get better? 1
Steadfast Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 You've been unfulfilled for TWELVE years and you think this is going to get better? In anger we often hyper-focus on the marriage. This is typical, true or not. DM, I realize you think you're doing the right thing by putting your foot down, but if we've resorted to demanding that our spouse be truthful, faithful or respectful, it's already too late. These are basic principals of a relationship. She knows right from wrong. She's choosing to do wrong. The real question is, what will you choose? You have a choice. Know that. Sadly, the thrill of sneaking around is a big part of the allure. The illicit pleasure that comes from walking on the edge, the danger/romance/passion mix. This rush can be and is addicting. She sees you as standing between her and what she craves. Excitement. Her reaction and behavior is typical. She loves it, but there's just enough fear of the unknown to keep her jumping in with both feet. In this way, she's abusing your love. Reading books, surfing online and booking therapy might help you, but don't expect her to retain much interest in it. You could probably expose the affair by contacting her work but that's mopping the mess, not fixing the leak. Make her quit her job or move to another city, she'll just be who she is somewhere else, eventually. This guy isn't the problem, she is. There's always another slimeball sniffing about. Good wives ignore them, bad ones welcome the attention. That's how self-centered people are. In my opinion, you must step over the stinking pile and reach her where she's at. Don't tell her you'll file if she messes up again, tell her you'll file if you even suspect she's not being sincere. If your gut is telling you she can't be trusted, then she probably can't. What kind of life do you want? Is this it? Is this what you signed up for? She can decide for her, not you. Only you decide for you. Living with a cheater isn't living, it's walking dead. I'd be gone yesterday. 4
WreckedDan Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Hey, not meaning to thread jack, but after reading the replies here, I would love to fish for an answer to a question you have yet to ask... I too let my wife get away with some things, like drinking herself stupid while being at home watching our daughter, drinking in excess in general, and a few less significant issues. I think I also suffer from "Nice Guyness". I would love some direction as to how to learn to establish boundaries... I verbally let my wife know when things wernt okay but never wanted a divorce... so how does one "stick to their guns" when there is no realistic consequence? Thanks, and sorry again for TJ, Dan
phillygirl Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 As someone currently D'ing a spouse who's sexually incompatible (among other things) I say, it's time to do more than "suggest divorce." For some reason, she's having this EA. For some reason she and you are not sexual incompatible. While I understand and can empathize keeping things together for your girls, realize that what you doing is modeling for them THEIR FUTURE MARRIAGES. You don't need "180 rules", or to change who you are. You need to realize that possibly your marriage needs to end. Best of luck to you... 1
Steadfast Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I think I also suffer from "Nice Guyness". I would love some direction as to how to learn to establish boundaries... I verbally let my wife know when things wernt okay but never wanted a divorce... so how does one "stick to their guns" when there is no realistic consequence? I've read this over and over Dan. I'm blocked. What are you asking? I can say that if total apathy is felt by the betraying spouse (which, I believe, describes your soon-to-be-ex) than there's little a BS can do to enforce change. Whoever cares least controls the relationship. Again, if one spouse has resorted to lecturing the other, the relationship is failing. You can't pound love, compassion and integrity like a nail. 1
ver13 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 When reading your post I have seen you give your wife the old "don't do this anymore or else" speech on some pretty serious M issues. The hardest thing for me to do when I went through the same door that you are opening now was to realize that that statement is a total waste of time. Unless your W is certifiable she knows what is acceptable in the M or not. I hear some many people talk about boundaries in an abstract way. Like they are some set of responsibilities that you have to define to your partner. The core issue in all of this drama comes down to "Choice" she has chosen to do this crap of her own free will. You now have the choice on how you want to respond, bear in mind that whatever you decide to do it needs to be for your continued emotional and mental well being period. Talking to the OM was nice I guess but at the end of the day the only one worth spending your time and effort on should you choose too lives in your house. She has to want to be in the M with you not him. So now you have to look at what is really important to you this is just her first step into the dark side only she can stop it. IMO tell her that she is free to do what she needs to do, talk to whoever she wants etc... Tell her that just as she is making life choices so are you and go out and find a lawyer separate your $$$ and establish child support. In the end this is all about what is the best for both of you and unless you can both commit to the same things it will end badly. If she wants to work it out she will meet you half way, if not your already half way to a new life. 1
Steadfast Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I hear some many people talk about boundaries in an abstract way. Like they are some set of responsibilities that you have to define to your partner. The core issue in all of this drama comes down to "Choice" You now have the choice on how you want to respond This is the core issue. Life is 5% what happens, 95% how we react to it. People continually ask "What can I do?" but the answer is right in front of them. What we have, and what we want are often different. To be fair, this is only clear in hindsight. This is not an easy lesson friends. 2
WreckedDan Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I won't post here after this unless it's to be helpfull to the OP but wanted to respon to the question I was asked. I was more curious about setting boundaries in future relationships and becoming less of a "Nice Guy" as part of my recovery from this horrible event. I apologize if I was vague. Again, sorry for the TJ, Dan
Steadfast Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I think your question fits here Dan. helpful to the OP as well. Others might have a different angle, but the main boundary is my life is never settle for less than I'm willing to give myself. Conversely, I try not to demand anything I am not willing to give myself. A modified 'Golden Rule'. I'm not a woman, but I think most of them would prefer a 'nice' man over someone who isn't. Most men probably feel the same way. But nice isn't pushover Dan. Mr. Nice should have enough self esteem to stand up when he's being used, disrespected or taken advantage of. Don't whine...act! Don't base your identity in the relationship either. Never stop being who or what you are for anyone, but agree there's always room for improvement. Find out who your partner is before marriage. Give the relationship a few tests before signing up long term. You'll fear 'something bad happening' less if you are happy and strong before getting into the relationship. Nice doesn't mean weak. 2
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