swimswithjeans Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Well, J, It's been 5 days. The mornings and nights are the worst. Well, that's a lie, what's the worst is when I ran into your boss today- the one that you hate- and he asked if we were still together. I almost lost it, but didn't. But the mornings and nights are the worst. I am laying on the couch and having a flashback to 3 weeks ago when i got my wisdom teeth out. I was really drugged and you were here for me. You made me tater tots and I slept on your lap while you rubbed my hair and we watched the Bruins game. You were SO sweet and attentive; you told me how brave I was. God, as screwed up as it is, I think that was one of the happiest days of my life. You see, i had never really had anyone to take care of me. And you were there and it felt weird but AMAZING. I wanted to cry because I was so happy. I always thought of you. Every day. I got you a new bedding set because I heard you mention it the last time I was in your apartment; about how that would really make you happy. I stole your favorite pillowcase in order to make sure I found a pattern that you would like. I got you a new body pillow, too... I know how much you love those. I'm snuggled up with mine now- the one you always slept with whenever you stayed here. Sometimes if I put it behind me it sort of feels like you're there. Good enough for me. The worst is that you never said flat out you didn't want to be with me. You said 'let's just let go' and basically nothing else. The love was there- I really thought it was. Or maybe I'm lying. Maybe the worst was how you asked me to NEVER BREAK YOUR HEART AND TO DO IT GENTLY IF I DID. That really effing sucks. To think about that. I would never have broken your heart in the way that you broke mine. Silence is the worst. I'll bet you're surprised I haven't texted you in these 5 days. I'm surprised too. I'm doing really poorly; I won't lie about that, J. My entire body aches... It both stings and aches, actually. It's a really humbling pain. I almost got myself fired from my job the other day because I couldn't pull it together. I cry a lot... I can't stop thinking about you... I can't eat... I can barely sleep and when I can I can't get out of bed... This said, I'm doing better than I thought I was going to. I think what you did was stupid. I would have moved mountains for you. I am GORGEOUS and you, at your age, will not do better than me. Go ahead, meet someone your age, you probably won't even be able to have kids. You don't have a big support system and I would have been there for you indefinitely. I adored you unconditionally. You aren't the most attractive and you snored like a garbage disposal and you're balding and your nose is weird but I DIDN'T CARE AT ALL. The sex we had together was incredible- good luck finding that again. Looking at all the facts, it was a really stupid decision you made to treat someone like me so terribly. I was a really great influence on your life and, with me around, you NEVER would have had to feel alone ever again. There is so much we never did, that makes me sad. It's also really sad that I let you into my life and introduced you to MY FAMILY- something I have never done before. It's selfish that you would let me do that; you said that meeting my family was the happiest day of your life. You said that you wanted to have dinner with my grandma again in the middle of June. I hate that I'm going to have to tell her you're gone. My mother is mentally retarded... I told her today that we had broken up, and she burst into tears asking what she did wrong. That was probably the worst part. Really... I will give myself this glimpse of self-wallowing and say that I have been through more than almost any other 20-year-old on the planet. I really thought this could have been my chance for my life to turn around and for me to build a happy family. I won't stop loving you, ever... But I guess now I've stopped talking to you. I quietly pray that I'll find a text from you... Who knows if I will. The chances seem less and less now. This stinks.
Author swimswithjeans Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 I want to text him so badly right now... I want to text him and ask him to come over tomorrow- I know it's his day off. I know I have come five whole days NC... But feel like I have nothing to lose. I feel like he got the last word; I WANT to have the last word. I want to tell him I miss him and want him to be happy and really will always love him but wish he had the guts to say he wanted out. Unless he didn't. I am so so so so so lost. I feel like if he really wanted out, he would have said it flat out. He said he needed space and I didn't give it to him. And fully understand what I am saying now is not definitive logic; but rather what I am feeling right now.
aloneinaz Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I want to text him so badly right now... I want to text him and ask him to come over tomorrow- I know it's his day off. I know I have come five whole days NC... But feel like I have nothing to lose. I feel like he got the last word; I WANT to have the last word. I want to tell him I miss him and want him to be happy and really will always love him but wish he had the guts to say he wanted out. Unless he didn't. I am so so so so so lost. I feel like if he really wanted out, he would have said it flat out. He said he needed space and I didn't give it to him. And fully understand what I am saying now is not definitive logic; but rather what I am feeling right now. Don't do it! You'll only make yourself feel worse. It's still very fresh and of course you're going to have those emotions. You need to grit your teeth and tell yourself you have much more pride than to break NC and contact him. Give it some time.
Author swimswithjeans Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 I think the hardest thing about NC is that people in my position have convinced themselves that they have nothing to lose because nothing else possibly could make them feel worse so we get into the mindset of 'eh, may as well...' Tonight is feeling really hard. Literally the only reason I haven't said anything is because I don't want to push him further away... Yet... It seems he is pretty much gone so I am a silly little munchkin.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I think the hardest thing about NC is that people in my position have convinced themselves that they have nothing to lose because nothing else possibly could make them feel worse so we get into the mindset of 'eh, may as well...' Tonight is feeling really hard. Literally the only reason I haven't said anything is because I don't want to push him further away... Yet... It seems he is pretty much gone so I am a silly little munchkin. Yeah, doesn't work that way. You will feel worse because any contact from you after he asked you to give him space would be disaster. You'd basically be throw a match into a tank filled with gasoline. 1
eachcomingnight Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I think the hardest thing about NC is that people in my position have convinced themselves that they have nothing to lose because nothing else possibly could make them feel worse so we get into the mindset of 'eh, may as well...' Tonight is feeling really hard. Literally the only reason I haven't said anything is because I don't want to push him further away... Yet... It seems he is pretty much gone so I am a silly little munchkin. I think you are on to something there - but it also sounds like you already recognize that it CAN get worse... I have been there, was there recently myself and thought it couldn't get worse - and then it did. I actually remember thinking to myself, "Wow, I didn't know that I could actually feel more awful than I was already feeling!" I have gone through some rough spots in the past but how I felt after breaking NC was on par with the worst that I have ever, ever felt.
Author swimswithjeans Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 I have a degree in psychology and would like to offer to those reading that my perspective in regards to my own situation at this point is completely and utterly SHOT. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I have had a multitude of premature goodbyes in my life and thought I was immune to them. Really, the last time I saw him, I was sick and he was drunk... It wasn't bad, nothing bad happened... But I don't remember our hug goodbye. I didn't know it was goodbye. Normally I know it's goodbye. I have waves of control and then I have tsunamis of grief.
frostythesnowman Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I want to text him so badly right now... I want to text him and ask him to come over tomorrow- I know it's his day off. I know I have come five whole days NC... But feel like I have nothing to lose. I feel like he got the last word; I WANT to have the last word. I want to tell him I miss him and want him to be happy and really will always love him but wish he had the guts to say he wanted out. Unless he didn't. I am so so so so so lost. I feel like if he really wanted out, he would have said it flat out. He said he needed space and I didn't give it to him. And fully understand what I am saying now is not definitive logic; but rather what I am feeling right now. I don't think you should spend any time with him. A couple months ago I made the mistake of hanging out with my ex. And honestly, it was everything I wanted it to be. But that only lasted for a few hours, and slowly as days passed, things started to go back to the way they were and eventually it all blew up again. This made me sadder than ever and makes thinking about her now harder than ever because I feel like I have some strand of hope with that being so recent. Its not a good idea 1
Author swimswithjeans Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 I think there is a 50/50 chance he would say yes. I really just wanted a goodbye. A real one. Let me clarify; that is what I THINK that I want.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I think there is a 50/50 chance he would say yes. I really just wanted a goodbye. A real one. Let me clarify; that is what I THINK that I want. Why? Goodbye is goodbye, whether it's stated or not. I mean, I'm not a fan of the silent treatment at all, but you aren't going to get closure if you talk to him. It will just cause more questions, more what ifs and more turmoil. The fact that he's not saying goodbye is a more telling goodbye than actually getting one. 1
Author swimswithjeans Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 I get it.. I get the actions speak louder than words thing, I really do. But I understand why I am upset when our (seemingly) beautiful six month relationship ended in a vague text that said 'let's just let go.' Not 'I want to break up' or 'I don't love you anymore' or 'don't talk to me again ever.' Really, all of those things would have been better. It still makes sense to me as to why I would have at LEAST wanted the decency of a phone call. Or, you know, maybe a two sentence text message.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I get it.. I get the actions speak louder than words thing, I really do. But I understand why I am upset when our (seemingly) beautiful six month relationship ended in a vague text that said 'let's just let go.' Not 'I want to break up' or 'I don't love you anymore' or 'don't talk to me again ever.' Really, all of those things would have been better. It still makes sense to me as to why I would have at LEAST wanted the decency of a phone call. Or, you know, maybe a two sentence text message. The result is still the same. His delivery sucked, but it's not going to change the overall message. 1
Author swimswithjeans Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 MY PHONE JUST RANG AND IT WAS HIM. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. I DIDN'T ANSWER BECAUSE I WAS STUNNED. NO VOICEMAIL. He probably called by mistake... right? Oh God. I hate this. My heart is kathumping everywhere.
Author swimswithjeans Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 No... The phone only rang for like 3 seconds... Maybe he called by mistake, but he has never ever done that before.. So I don't know. I figured if he really wanted to talk... He would really pursue it... At least leave a voicemail or something or call multiple times... Sigh. I don't know why he would do that though. Although if his 3 second phone call presented me with a sea of hope and possibility.... I probably shouldn't have talked to him anyway. As much as I think I want answers.. Maybe I don't. I'd rather live in this ignorant bliss than hear he met someone else.
totallylost5040 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Don't respond just yet. He's playing a game with you right now. If it hasn't happened before, its a game. Give it a day and if you want just be like... ummm you called? (i don't recommend this but go ahead if you want) He'll call or text again if he really wants to talk to you. My ex after 4 months of dating emailed me 2 weeks after tearing my heart out and sticking it on a pike. I didn't respond for 2 days lol. Mainly because I was angry and didn't give a crap. But being the person I am, I took the high road and responded with a short message. Give it some time and patience, do the things you wanted to do while you were together, that's what's been keeping me afloat. You never know, it may just attract them back. Actions speak louder than words. Either way, doing the things you wanna do... win/win situation!
frostythesnowman Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 No... The phone only rang for like 3 seconds... Maybe he called by mistake, but he has never ever done that before.. So I don't know. I figured if he really wanted to talk... He would really pursue it... At least leave a voicemail or something or call multiple times... Sigh. I don't know why he would do that though. Although if his 3 second phone call presented me with a sea of hope and possibility.... I probably shouldn't have talked to him anyway. As much as I think I want answers.. Maybe I don't. I'd rather live in this ignorant bliss than hear he met someone else. It's good you didn't pursue it after he called though. Keep it up, we are all in this together
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