Here goes

[LYC]

I have been putting off telling my story because I know some of you will berate me but I need advice.

My boyfriend is married to a citizen of another country. They have a child together. He told me that when they fight or discuss divorce she says she will return to her home country with their child. I never want to come between him and his son and I am not pining for him to leave her. He has never promised to, I have never asked him to.

However, we also have a child together, a baby. Of course I don't want her to feel like a dirty secret. He and I are very much in love but her needs come first. And I realize his leading a double life is not sustainable long-term.

I don't think he would ever voluntarily tell his wife. I don't need financial help. I just want to do what is best for our daughter, within my control. I never know if growing up not knowing him is best or spending what time she can with him is best. I feel awful bringing her into this mess.

Anyone been through something similar?

[LYC]

Oh wow that's a tough situation.

 

Has he looked into the legalities of her taking the child? If he went to court for joint custody, wouldn't she need his permission to leave the country with the child?

 

I know I do, and my ex does but that's crossing the boarder from Canada to the states by vehicle. To go on a plane, all my children have needed was a letter from myself, not even notarized. I guess she could even forge a letter. Hmmm.

 

Is he on your daughters birth certificate? Does he pay child support? Does he have continuous access to her on a schedule?

 

Ok...now the bad part .....

 

He knew damned well what he was doing. There is always a chance of pregnancy. He took that chance and he has to man up. He took the chance to lose his family, and he has created a new one for you. Your daughter should NOT pay for HIS choices.

 

 

He isn't on her birth certificate. He doesn't pay child support. And he sees her several days a week but not for long.

 

You're right. We knew the consequences. When I found out I was pregnant he wanted me to abort her. I said no and that he could walk away and I would never come after him. He stayed and now calls her his miracle.

 

Honestly he probably could fight her leaving the country but I doubt he would.

Edited June 12, 2013 by LYC

[fllygirl]

Here is something to check for you

https://help.cbp.gov/app/answers/detail/a_id/268/~/children---child-traveling-with-one-parent-or-someone-who-is-not-a-parent-or

[LYC]

Here is something to check for you

https://help.cbp.gov/app/answers/detail/a_id/268/~/children---child-traveling-with-one-parent-or-someone-who-is-not-a-parent-or

 

Thank you. Very useful!

[LYC]

It's so horrible. The secrecy is so absurd in A's that the lengths some accept to cover for the mm, and to help hide the A and not disturb his "life" is detrimental to our lives.

 

WHY is he so damned special? It wasn't his choice to keep or abort the baby, and in any other case he would be on that birth certificate and obligated to help support her. He would have regular scheduled access to her so he could complete his role as her parent, her father. Instead you are hiding her from his family ( I'm assuming even his extended family are unaware of her existence as well). She is missing out on her brother, her grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Why is his son so much more important than his daughter?

 

He's a douche bag. In any other situation, even a one night stand he would be made to at the minimal, financially support the child. But because he fooled around, because he is married and a liar he gets to wipe his hands of any real responsibility.

 

I'm not saying that on your own you can't support nor successfully parent a child. It just maddens me that he can't even be man enough to own what he's done now that you two together have brought a new life into this world.

 

The only family member he has, besides his wife and son, in the U.S. is his mother. They don't see each other but the number of family members doesn't matter because you're right. He hasn't stepped up and I allow him to get off with no repercussions. That is why I am here asking for advice because I know it is messed up and I want to do what is right for my daughter. I can't see myself walking into the courthouse asking to establish paternity and exposing him. What I see happening is I will eventually tell him to step up or go away and he'll walk away and someday I am going to have to look this wonderful little girl in the eyes and tell her why "daddy" isn't around. And the fact that she has a brother she doesn't know.

 

I sincerely appreciate the comments. As painful as it is, I know you are right. I just don't know how to make it right.

[Journee]

I am not going to comment on the affair really but I want to speak with you as a child that was a "secret". I won't go into much detail as I do not want to thread jack but I can tell you that the relationship I have with the woman who gave birth to me is non-existent. She lied to me about my biological father when I looked to her for the truth about who I was. My origin and my identity. This is a very condensed version of things but anyhow. I have not seen or spoken to her in almost two years and we live in the same city. My torn and tattered relationship/history with her has made me a wreck of a person at times. I battled with depression and abused sleeping aids. I was in awful abusive situations with men looking for love and acceptance. I am plagued to this day with my insecurities and trust issues. I have never met my biological father as my mother lied and covered up his identity. She would rather not speak to me than be honest and make me feel that after 28 years I really do matter.

 

Now my situation is different from yours but knowing that one's own mother could not and would not stand up for them is life altering. I honestly don't even look at her as a mother. My mother is the woman that values me and has never allowed a cloak of lies to surround me.

 

I would really hate to see another little girl feel those things about herself as I have. Unloved, not good enough. Make your daughter matter in this world by giving her the truth. That way you can look her in the eyes one day and say that you did everything that you could and you will answer any questions that she has. That she is nothing to be ashamed of or kept a secret from anyone. That she is to be celebrated.

 

Good luck to you. You have the power to shape your daughter's perception of herself with the decisions that you make today.

 

Good luck to you.

[LYC]

Good luck to you. You have the power to shape your daughter's perception of herself with the decisions that you make today.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thank you for sharing. No matter what, I will not lie to her nor will she ever be expected to stay quiet or lie as well.

[LYC]

Smooch,

 

After reading your post last night, I have been mad. Mad at him but really angry at myself. It feels like I have just been numb since finding out I was pregnant. After her birth, I cried a lot and since, I have just felt stuck. Your new response literally has me bawling. I am truly sorry for the pain you have been through. I am sick to my stomach about what I am putting my daughter through. It's all too much. Thank you for the wakeup call. I don't even know what to say right now. Thank you.

[LYC]

First things first... if you aren't looking to him for support, the first thing you should consider is whether or not you should ask him to give up his parental rights legally... because someday, you might want to be with someone else that might want to give EVERYTHING to you and your child, and don't you both deserve that?

 

 

Second, you are an adult. If you make the choice to be with a married man, that's your choice. But your daughter didn't make this choice and the one thing that IS right is that she never be made to feel like a dirty little secret.

If he's going to be in her life, ask him these things.

• When she is old enough to use a phone can she call you any time of the day or night?
  
• If you and your daughter are out at the mall when she's 4 years old, and you run into him and his wife, and she yells "Daddy, daddy!!" and runs to him... what's going to happen?
  
• Is he going to go to Father's Day events or career day at her school?
  

Then make your choices based on that.

 

And even after he answers...

Will you feel that you have to hush her up in public about who he is? Because if so, that says a lot.

 

 

I was hoping you would weigh-in.

 

I agree she can't and won't be made to feel like a dirty little secret. I will never tell her to not talk about or to him.

 

The thought of her asking why daddy doesn't come to any of her school or sporting events is really sad. At this point I am trying to figure out if I bring it all out in the open now or tell him to decide and if wants to walk away, let him go.

[Spark1111]

Look, your the mama and your rights trump all, period.

 

you do not have to decide ANYTHING right now if you do not want to.

 

And yes, his wife could keep that child in a foreign country and it could take years and TONS of MONEY to try to get his other child back, if ever. IT IS RARE.

 

He doesn't seem all that committed to fatherhood, neither her baby or your baby.

 

he is a piece of work and NOT mature enough to be a father. he cheated on his pregnant wife with you, yes? And wanted you to abort your daughter with him.

 

He is a child, and claiming his wife could leave with his child is a ploy to invoke your empathy and KEEP you from making trouble for him with a wife he does not respect either.

 

he is a player.

 

So bide your time, talk to an attorney and find what your rights are here. Your daughter deserves all the financial support she deserves.

 

paternity tests are not that expensive. He owes her child support for life.

 

If and WHEN another man wants to take care of her AND YOU, this man will either sign her over quickly or not. So what? then she has one man adoring her and another having to foot the bill too.

 

Win-win.

 

I sure WISH his name was on the birth certificate. His tale of woe? He won that round.

 

get smart...for her. Start approaching the conversation with him...How he feels about her, what he could reasonably contribute towards her upkeep...watch his reactions and what he says.

[Spark1111]

Don't let him walk without getting papers done legally giving up his parental rights.If he does, even if he petitons for DNA testing later to "prove paternity" if he has a change of heart it won't matter. Tell him, you made your choice, you don't want to be 100% her dad right now, you don't get to decide you want that later either.

 

THAT is an option certainly, but right now I would be thinking about my daughter's future and child care, especially for a single mom, takes money....lots of it.

 

I wouldn't burn that bridge.....yet. the OP could still get sole custody AND child support.

 

Win-win.

[LYC]

I'm 100% pro-choice, but you know what? I also think guys should get a choice too.

If he is all for terminating a pregnancy and she is against it, he made his choice, she's making hers. She doesn't have to do what he wants, so why is it ok for her to force him to become a father?

 

That was exactly why I gave him the option to walk away in the beginning. I felt he should have a choice. He didn't want to but he didn't come clean either. Now that she is here and it is all sinking in how disgusting it will be to tell her when she asks for him over the weekend to wait for Monday, I am only trying to decide if I give him the choice again.

 

The question I have been stuck on and why I came here. Is it better for her not to know him at all or know him and only have him part time?

 

Thank you all for your input.

[Saba]

......Single moms everywhere do it without money from men. They do, it's hard, I get it, but she already said financials aren't an issue.

I'm 100% pro-choice, but you know what? I also think guys should get a choice too.

If he is all for terminating a pregnancy and she is against it, he made his choice, she's making hers. She doesn't have to do what he wants, so why is it ok for her to force him to become a father? Why should he be held responsible for 18 years when it was her decision? If he's willing to terminate his rights then so be it.

 

I would never take a dime for a child that someone asked me to abort.

I'd also not think he had a right to a moment with the child.

 

Some women do not feel they have a choice for a variety of reasons (religious, moral etc). There are many women rearing children they did not want. We all take a risk when we have sex and plan as we may accidental pregnancies happen. Its very simplistic to say that because abortions are available women that decide not to take that option (for whatever reason) become completely responsible for the child unless the father wants to be a part of the childs life. This option only seems reasonable to me if the women is pro-choice and has the resources to access an abortion.

 

Yep... I'm going to stop here as I think I am getting off the op's questions.

[Spotme]

I've not been through this personally, but here's what I know/think.

 

You cannot take MM's problems on your and your daughter's head. You have to make decisions based on your daughter's best interest, not on what his wife might do. If you are an empathetic person, that may sound harsh, but your daughter has to be your number one priority. She clearly is not MM's, even if he dotes on her while they are in the same room. His actions say otherwise. Do not let yourself be trapped into hurting your daughter because he is tugging your heart strings.

 

So, first, for the sake of her emotional health growing up, she cannot be a dirty little secret. You cannot control whether he chooses to see her and if he chooses not to, you should navigate that issue with her with the help of a counselor (for yourself while she's little and with her as she gets older if she seems to need it).

 

Second, she should know who he is and he must fulfill his financial responsibilities to her under the law. That is not about you and whether you can take care of her on your own, it's about their legal relationship and what is owed to her. The fact that he tried to get you to abort is irrelevant. It may offend some people's sense of fairness, but the fact is that a man makes the decision to become a father every time he has sex and once the child is born, the law is designed to prioritize their right to be supported while a minor. On a practical note, you can support her now, but none of us can say with complete certainty that our financial fortunes will not be reversed in the future.

 

Third, one poster suggested having him give up his parental rights if he doesn't want to be involved. I don't know where you are located country or state-wise, but as a legal matter, most states in the US will not allow a parent to terminate their rights unless someone else is already prepared to adopt the child, even if the other parent is alive and will be retaining their rights because, again, there is a legal relationship with rights and responsibilities between the two of them that you are not a party to.

 

Affairs are messy things and the children of each person involved are often hurt and it can be much worse for a secret child of both partners. Cut through all the clutter that is confusing your thinking and realize that your most important role in life right now is not as a person in a complicated relationship, it's as a parent. I'm not saying go make a big dramatic declaration to his wife, I'm saying make things right for your daughter.

[Spark1111]

That was exactly why I gave him the option to walk away in the beginning. I felt he should have a choice. He didn't want to but he didn't come clean either. Now that she is here and it is all sinking in how disgusting it will be to tell her when she asks for him over the weekend to wait for Monday, I am only trying to decide if I give him the choice again.

 

The question I have been stuck on and why I came here. Is it better for her not to know him at all or know him and only have him part time?

 

Thank you all for your input.

 

He will always be her biological father, like it or not. She has a right to know that, whether he is involved, on the periphery, or walks away and never sees her again.

 

Someday, she may NEED to know HIS family medical history. She may NEED close, biological relatives for health reasons. Who knows?

 

But you can bide your time on WHEN you decide to tell her, yes? And any man who becomes your life partner will certainly be the only real daddy she knows, so choose wisely and well.

 

You have time here. The bigger question is how involved will he choose to be?

 

Now that she is on the planet, courts find pre-birth abortion discussions irrelevant to custody issues, should he contest your wish to relinquish prental rights.

 

She is here and she is HIS child too. Start speaking to HIM about how he foresees the future with his daughter.

 

And speak to a lawyer too.

[sweet_pea]

Does his family know that she is alive? I'm under the impression that she will be a secret unless his side knows she exists.

[NotInProvence]

Oh boy, do I know this story....

 

My mother didn't know she was pregnant until she and my father were separated. In a moment of spite, she didn't put his name on my birth certificate.

 

My parents both had histories of infidelity. To make matters worse, Mom's best friend at the time was a guy; because of this, my father was able to use a law that was then on the books in my state to cast "reasonable doubt" on paternity. (This was decades before DNA testing.)

 

My father never had to pay child support. I got to spend my life in poverty as a dirty secret, frequently being told I was "a mistake." To this day, the only member of my paternal family who will openly acknowledge me is my half-sister, and that didn't come about until I was already an adult.

 

I have battled depression since childhood. I have made horrid relationship choices, trying to "win over" men who were as distant as my father. The result? A grown woman, never married and past her prime, with a still-hurting heart from a cheating ex. The only thing I did right was adopt my daughter...another little girl whose birth mama wouldn't name her dad.

 

For the love of little fluffy birdies, do NOT do this to your daughter, I beg you.

[LYC]

I told him today part-time is not acceptable. That we can go our separate ways or he can come clean. He said he definitely doesn't want to go away but he didn't care for the other option either. So I decided to break it off until he can publicly acknowledge our daughter and be the father she deserves. If that time never comes, she will still know who he is. And she will never be told she was a mistake because she is not one.

 

I knew what I needed to do. Guess I just needed a budge. I have to stay strong for our daughter.Thanks everyone for the advice.