athousandquestions Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Though this is my first post, I have been lurking these forums over the past month. I am amazed at the kindness and great advice that is often given and though for a while I debated about posting, I decided that I would. In this post I am asking for advice and wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation - and how I should react. My exboyfriend and I broke up just shy of our year anniversary. We are both young (undergrads). We both had plans to be together for a very long time (he had often spoken of marriage, but I did not want to rush things being so young) Here is where it gets kind of strange. Towards the end of our relationship, I was less happy with him. It had less to do with him and more to do with myself - I had returned home from university and my job was yet to start, thus I found myself with A LOAD of free time and was insaaaanely bored. He had a lot more to do than I did (with work and friends, etc). I became really upset because I wanted to be doing something all. the. time. (not necessarily with him) but because he obviously could not be with me 24/7 to entertain me, he felt like he was hurting me. Before we called it off, I had identified this and thus started entertaining myself (taking summer courses, working out, the works) and I knew in a week things would be better. Then he ended things. He felt as if no matter what he did, I was never pleased or happy (and in hindsight I can see and understand why he felt this way). He felt like he was hurting me, and was scared of saying something to upset me. I know he 100% believes he was doing this for me, as some of his friends even told me 'he was so happy being with you but always felt as if he wasn't good enough'. He ended our breakup conversation by telling me he loves me, and to call him in the morning. I obviously did not contact him. A few days later he wanted to meet and talk. We talked and this time he told me what sounded (to me) a lot like GIGS. He basically said that because we are so young, he was afraid of screwing up. In his mind, we are meant to be together, we are meant to get married. But if we keep dating at our age, one of us is bound to mess up (cheat, etc) and ruin any future we have together. So if we have an amicable breakup, it leaves things open to reconcile in the future. I went NC on him immediately which really upset him. He felt abandoned and alone - but to me it was like.... buddy, you dumped ME! He would text me about people I have on Facebook (I deleted him after the breakup, not out of spite but to allow myself time to heal) and on other social networking sites. He would ask me what I was doing, who I was with if he heard I was out. He heard through a mutual friend that I went out on a date. He was hurt that I had moved on so quickly. He texted me on our anniversary and I replied, but we quickly got into an argument (that was one of the first times we had spoken and how I know he had been viewing my social networking and was upset I had moved on.) I also know that he has not been with anyone else yet, and I don't believe he has plans on doing that for a while. But in my mind, what else is there to do? I have to move on. I am struggling to maintain NC with him. He is adamant that he doesn't want to lose me from his life. I have accepted our breakup but I do not see us getting back together. Though I do wish that we would. I miss him a lot, and I do still love him - but it is tainted because I now love him differently; he has hurt me in ending things and you can't love someone who doesn't want to be with you with the same, unfaltering love you have for someone who does. I am not going to backburner my love for him for the next few years, to rekindle later on. Because I would literally end up waiting and waiting for him to come back - and maybe he never will. I do not want to be friends with him, not yet, and maybe not ever. I know that I am young, and that obviously things grow and change - I am confident I'll be okay, and that I'll fall in love with someone else and all of the things I felt about this boy will happen again with someone else. The fact that I know I'll move on is very painful as well, and right now that is what is hurting the most. I just want another point of view on this whole situation. Someone who is more experienced, I suppose, or if someone has gone through a similar situation.
Sneaky Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I'm by no means an expert or anything, but I’ll give you my opinion after reading your story it kind of sounded like he wanted to have it both ways. Like he wanted to go out and do whatever he wanted and have you to fall back on later; it didn’t work out like he pictured, you moved on. Joke’s on him, I guess. 1
Author athousandquestions Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Update So everything pretty much went to ****. We had started talking over the past few days again and I really, really didn't know what to do. He has sent me such hot and cold messages and I have been so confused because I really do love him still but I don't know what to do besides move on. Last night he went out with his friends and I went out with mine. I was drunk, but knew what I was doing and ended up kissing another guy. Today he texted me in the morning and I immediately asked to meet up and talk. I wanted to lay it all on the table and say, make your choice - either be with me or we need to go NC. But the conversation quickly derailed because he asked if I had hooked up with anyone and I could not lie. I told him I had kissed another guy and he lost his ****, and will not speak to me. He left, and then texted me 'Do not speak to me again.' I didn't reply for a few hours and finally sent him a lengthy text saying that I had messed up. I wanted to talk to him today to see where we were because I either need to give up and move on, or work on being with him. I said I know he's angry and to take his time but I'll be here when/if he wants to talk. What the heck do I do? He broke up with ME, and I thought I had made it clear that I wanted to be with him this whole time (but I wasn't going to grovel and beg him. I was actively trying to move on and I guess this made him think I did not love him anymore). I am very confused and very upset.
SadPanda22 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 He broke up with you. That was his choice, and now he has to live with it. Your life is no longer his business. You are single now, and you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, with whoever you want. Your EX has no right to be angry with you for living your life. He got upset and felt abandoned by you because you went NC with him after he dumped you?? This guy is ridiculous. He broke up with you, what the hell did he think was going to happen? It seems like he wants you in his life, but only on his terms. I think he actually expected you to pine for him like a lovesick little puppy. Eff that. You were doing the right thing by implementing NC and trying to move on with your life.
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