Moving on

[Thesimplestplan9]

Sorry for the long post, I would just really like some opinions and advice on my current situation..

 

I was with my ex for almost a year and a half. We lived together for over a year,

so

we definitely rushed into that too soon. I've known him for over 10 years though. We had a connection, but always got into huge fights over absolutely nothing. Some days I felt head over heels for him and others, I complained he wasn't romantic enough, never wanted to have sex, never went out of his way for me and didn't put in nearly as much effort into the relationship as I did emotionally. He was much more independent than me and had his hobbies, which is wonderful, but all I had was him.

He broke up with me after the fighting continued because we weren't worrying enough about ourselves, and he thought we needed time apart. I begged for him to tell me how he felt and that he still loved me after we broke up (which was ridiculous, but I was really hurt at first), and I knew he still cared but holds his emotions in & said that one of us had to be strong. He told me there was no "us" anymore and that we needed to move on and if we're meant to be, we will be together eventually.

 

Well, a couple weeks later I had this great opportunity to move to out of the state and I decided to do it

so

I could start over and get a fresh start, just worrying about myself. Little did I know, I was going to get involved in a new romance right before I left. I started hanging out with a guy from work who I've always gotten along

so

well with. We just clicked. Of course, I ignored it when I was dating my ex, but feelings came out at my going away party. & we hung out every day for over a week before I left. It was a difficult situation because it had only been a month that me and the ex had split, but I didn't have much time and I really had a thing for this new guy. We have

so

much in common, and I didn't have to think twice about being myself around him. It just flows.. He always makes me feel good about myself and brings out the best in me. Not trying to compare too much, but I almost feel like my ex did the opposite. I can't blame my ex for my insecurities and depression I dealt with, but he was very judgmental and made it hard to be myself around him at times. This new guy showed he cared more than anybody ever has. Plus great sex, super romantic, really puts emotion and passion into his feelings towards me.

 

At first, it was a little overwhelming because it was a new romance and he got a little carried away with romantic gestures really soon, but I was leaving and he wanted to make my time there special before I left. I'

m

really starting to fall for this guy. I just can't figure out if I'

m

completely over my ex. I miss him as a person, but felt we had to try too hard to make it work and I'

m

not really sure if time would've helped that.

 

I am a very codependent person, but I had no intentions on rushing into another relationship. I wanted time to worry about myself, but it just happened and felt

so

right. Now I'

m

living 2,000 miles away and me & the new guy Skype every night. There's never a boring moment with him. I don't think I was replacing my sadness and loneliness with a new love, but I do know I'

m

not 100% over my ex and the new guy knows it. I'

m

extremely honest with him. & recently I told my ex about the new guy and it crushed him. He wants absolutely nothing to do with me and can't believe I could move on

so

soon. I felt horrible about it, but when it feels right, shouldn't you just go for it?

 

The new guy is also 13 years older than me, which is big deal for me because I've always dated guys my own age. But he doesn't act like it, but yet he is still mature. I'

m

23 & he's 36. Is it wrong for me to have jumped into something that just felt

so

natural

so

soon, or am I just more worried about my ex's feelings than my own? I hate hurting people, and always try to look out for others before looking out for myself. & I feel like I'

m

finally looking out for myself for once.

 

Now I'

m

in a predicament. I feel like I didn't have enough time to mourn over my ex, and wonder if things would've been differently if we ended up back together. He was optimistic about it working in the future, but I just felt like our personalities are

so

different. He holds things in and doesn't express his feelings, and I'

m

the opposite. I feel like I need that love and affection. He thinks people can change over time, but I feel that's something that sticks. It would be selfish of me to ask him to change for me and be somebody he's not. Now that I've found somebody I feel is right for me, I can't help but feel remorse towards my ex right now. Any advice? I'

m

clueless..

[salparadise]

A month was not even close to being enough time. If you and the ex fought all the time it's best you go separate ways––it's an incompatibility in temperaments and communication that's hard, if not impossible, to change.

 

The thing with the new guy is a rebound. That's not to say the two of you couldn't have been been compatible, but you've made a mistake by getting started with him before dissolving the attachment to the ex. The emotions driving the new thing are fueled by the pain from the breakup. You're masking it rather than resolving it.

 

You actually said you're codependent. If you want to get things right you need to be single awhile and try and work on the codependence in therapy. Your best move at this point would be to tell new guy that you have to cool it and take get clear of the past. Perhaps the two of you can pick it back up in the future, but it's going to end up being a mess if you don't take care of unfinished business first. The fact that you moved will help. I think you're going to need at least six months and maybe a year to sort it all out and be ready for a new relationship.

[undergroundlife13]

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Edited June 16, 2013 by undergroundlife13
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