Fantasy Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 This is going to be extremely long and I do not know where to start. Perhaps a good place would be with some information of my previous relationship with the man I love. I will not say names, but let’s call him “N.” N and I met when I was very young. There is a decently big age gap that I will not mention, as I do not want negative feedback. N was the first, and only, guy I was in love with. I had, had previous relationships before, but I didn’t take to anyone like I did him. We had fun together, we were comfortable with one another and we enjoyed each other’s company. We were affectionate with one another; however, it was not a clingy/needy type of affectionate that never fails to turn people away. It was comforting and safe; we were trusting and never doubted one other. We were in love and together for four years. However, a year into the relationship, N had to travel for work. I was much too young to travel with him, so our relationship turned long distance in the early stages of our relationship. Still, we continued to be together, and for quite some time it worked very well. He’d come see me as often as he could, but his job got more and more demanding. There was nothing we could do at the time because of my age then. Two and a half years of a long distance relationship passed before we finally decided to end our relationship. We didn’t end it because we were fighting or falling out of love, it just was not the right time. We mutually separated and we both dated other people, but nothing serious came from any of our other relationships. It was very hard for both of us to move on, so we decided to stop contact for a while and try to get on with our lives. I believe, to this day, that what we had never fizzled. Now, I’ll introduce my current boyfriend. We will call him “J.” J is a little younger than me. He is very emotional and needy. When I met him, he was very depressed and suicidal; I felt a need to help him. I think from the very beginning, that’s where I went wrong in our relationship. J was the first guy, since N, that I had strong feelings for. I loved him, but I was not in love with him. J was needy, clingy and way too attached, but he was sweet and good to me. The over-attachment made him very dependent on me. He’d say many, many times that I saved his life when he was down and that he’d kill himself if he didn't have me. Aside from the aforementioned problems, another big deal was the fact that any time something bothered me, he’d have this inexplicable gift to turn it around on me. He’d always say he wanted me to be open and honest and express my concerns to him. However, whenever I did, he would say how bad of a boyfriend he was and literally suck up to me, then tell me he hasn’t done anything to make me feel that way; which, in turn, made me feel guilty for mentioning it. Shortly after, I stopped expressing any problems or concerns to him because of this. About 7 months into our relationship, I felt much smothered, too relied out and to be honest, just plain creeped out about J’s neediness. He’d tell me how he wanted to marry me and be with me for the rest of his life. He’d even say he never wanted kids because they would take me away from him. I decided to end our relationship because I just felt too uncomfortable with his level of attachment. Our separation did not last long; A week actually. We agreed to be friends, which may have proved to be a bad mistake. Because we decided to stay friends, he felt the constant need to have me entertain him 24/7 for the next week of separation. J became very depressed, though. He stopped eating, stopped sleeping and just made himself sick from this. He would often call me and scream and shout about how terrible of a person I was and how I betrayed him and broke his heart. He’d proceed to tell me that he wanted to die and that he would kill himself. I know some of you might think that this as a way for him to control me, like so many do, but I do genuinely believe that he was severely depressed that I left him and I did feel scared and guilty that he would kill himself (suicide is something that hits very close to home because of previous issues with my mother). This scared me, and although I knew I was not in love with him and wouldn't ever be in love with him, I still cared deeply about him and got back together with him shortly after (and yes, partly because of the guilt I had felt). All I felt was guilt for a while. He really was very good to me, except for when we broke up, and I felt selfish for not being happy or satisfied in a relationship with someone who cared so deeply for me. We picked our relationship up where we left off, counting the next month as our 8 month anniversary. Around the time of our 10 month, my ex, N, contacted me again. As I said before, I do believe what we had never fizzled. Just talking to him platonically for the past few months have made me feel more alive than I have in a little over a year. N mentioned his decision to move back near where I was and also mentioned that he’d like to start where we left off, but closer this time. I expressed to him that I had a boyfriend, but he also knew that I was unhappy with my relationship. N understood and was completely supportive on whether or not I stay with J, as long as I kept some sort of contact and friendliness with him. I absolutely cannot deny that even to this day, I am very much in love with N still. Now, a week away from my 1 year anniversary with J, I feel more conflicted than I ever have before. I know my feelings for N will never fade and I know my feelings for J will never grow, but I have this extremely guilty feeling that won’t stop nagging at me. I know that the guy I want is N, but I would feel very selfish, worried, scared and guilty to end my relationship with J. J knows I’ve been acting different, he mentions it every day, and I guess, as terrible as it may be, that in some sense, I am pushing myself away from J. Maybe I am trying to have him break up with me instead, so the guilt would be less? I really am not sure. I know what I want and who I want, but I also know what I don’t want and as much as I cannot see a future with J, I do not want to hurt him as badly as I believe breaking up with him would. He is generally a very good person to me, very nice, very sweet, and I feel awful and selfish for not being satisfied with this, but I can’t shake the feeling that this relationship is not right. Is there a way to somehow make him break up with me by pushing him away or becoming distant enough to where he doesn't feel the relationship is progressing? Should I just grow a pair and break up with him, but feel this extreme guilt and worry? I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or what, but any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.
Author Fantasy Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 (edited) No suggestions? Edited June 12, 2013 by Fantasy
undergroundlife13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Honestly leave J, its not fair to stay with him when you dont want to,but do not stay in contact and do not turn back. If you cant give 100% to someone then dont do it. KEEP IN MIND things with N may not work out. It has been a while. You need to really think about what you are going to do..
Author Fantasy Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Honestly leave J, its not fair to stay with him when you dont want to,but do not stay in contact and do not turn back. If you cant give 100% to someone then dont do it. KEEP IN MIND things with N may not work out. It has been a while. You need to really think about what you are going to do.. Maybe it sounds as though I would be leaving J for N, however, it isn't like that. It's just..untimely? My question is more so HOW to leave J. He is very emotional and attached and I am scared of what he'd do to himself
undergroundlife13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Regardless he is going to be hurt, but you are going to have to be clear its over, and discuss as much as he feels he needs. After that cut off contact. Make sure he gets into therapy, and make sure this is what you want to do. It does sound like you are doing this for N but regardless it needs to be done if you feel its necessary
inaya42 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 has N already relocated back to your city? you have listed your reasons for wanting to break up with J. would you be happy to be free of this relationship even if things do not work out with N? N doesn't sound 100% reliable, given that he left you before. would you prefer to be single than be with J? to figure things out, i think you should put the emotional affair with the ex on hold so that you can gain clarity and give the end of your current relationship the respect it deserves. when you break up with your current beau, do so in person and tell him the truth. tell him about your unhappiness in the relationship, about not being completely over a past relationship, thank him for having loved you, wish him well, and tell him you will need NC to process the breakup and move on. do not use the usual dumper platitudes and excuses. telling him your real reasons closes the door respectfully and with finality. even though he will likely be a basket case after the breakup, he will like both you and himself better and heal faster if the end of your romance is conducted with honesty, respect, and integrity. good luck. 1
blotter Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 "He is very emotional and attached and I am scared of what he'd do to himself" how ****ing condescending can you get? Oh I have to do something against my will because he will kill himself if I leave him! Trust me, staying with him when you really want to be with someone else is 100x more damaging to him than if you were just honest about not wanting to be with him. It's kinda...evil to string him on like that when your heart is not into it. 2
Author Fantasy Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 has N already relocated back to your city? you have listed your reasons for wanting to break up with J. would you be happy to be free of this relationship even if things do not work out with N? N doesn't sound 100% reliable, given that he left you before. would you prefer to be single than be with J? to figure things out, i think you should put the emotional affair with the ex on hold so that you can gain clarity and give the end of your current relationship the respect it deserves. when you break up with your current beau, do so in person and tell him the truth. tell him about your unhappiness in the relationship, about not being completely over a past relationship, thank him for having loved you, wish him well, and tell him you will need NC to process the breakup and move on. do not use the usual dumper platitudes and excuses. telling him your real reasons closes the door respectfully and with finality. even though he will likely be a basket case after the breakup, he will like both you and himself better and heal faster if the end of your romance is conducted with honesty, respect, and integrity. good luck. J hasn't relocated yet, but he's been looking at places and his mom is willing to help him get up here. I have many reasons for wanting to break up with J, and I have since the first time I broke up with him. After the first time, I tried to force myself to love him as he loved me, and it just can't work like that. I'd be content with being single if things didn't work out with N and previous times with N didn't work out because of his work and I being too young to tag along with him at the time, In all honesty, It's like beating a dead horse with my current relationship. I tried to get some sort of satisfaction from it, and I feel awful for not getting that, but I just don't. I do plan on having NC after the breakup, because I think it would be easier for him, but just the thought of what he might do if we break up scares me very much
Author Fantasy Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 "He is very emotional and attached and I am scared of what he'd do to himself" how ****ing condescending can you get? Oh I have to do something against my will because he will kill himself if I leave him! Trust me, staying with him when you really want to be with someone else is 100x more damaging to him than if you were just honest about not wanting to be with him. It's kinda...evil to string him on like that when your heart is not into it. I don't think it's condescending to feel guilty and responsible for someone's life and happiness when you care about them still, but okay, thanks for the input.
undergroundlife13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 What you are not understanding is its wrong to be with someone you do not want to be with. You are prolonging his hurt, you should have never got back with him. You are stringing him along. What i fear is when things dont work with N you will run back to J. DO NOT DO THIS. J deserves someone who truly wants to be with him, and you are not helping him by pretending as you do. Imagine how you would feel? 1
Author Fantasy Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 I fully understand what is wrong and what isn't. I'm asking for advice on how to break it off, am I not? I understand it's wrong, which is where I need the help. I got back with him half out of guilt, and half because I thought that I could make it work, which I realize now I can't. That doesn't make me a bad person. My reasons for wanting to end things with J have nothing to do with N. I stated numerous reasons for wanting to end things with J and no matter what happens with N, I know my feelings for J will not grow, so I'm not at all worried about getting back with him if things with N do not work out, as I stated previously.
CptSaveAho Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 J's a loser just tell him its over, change your phone number, email address etc when he stalks you after the fact... call the police
undergroundlife13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Im not saying you are a bad person at all. What you need to do is leave J immediatley, and be truthful. But you cannot be friends. There is no easy way out, you will have to face the hurt you caused.
Author Fantasy Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 I suppose there's no easy way about this huh? I mean, it's not that I do not care about him at all. I do, just not in a romantic way and to be honest, I am scared of his attachment to me. It was kind of cute at first, but then I guess I realized he was serious about it and that totally turned me away. I was hoping that maybe someone had some easy, guilt free way, but I think everyone looks for that and never really finds it!
undergroundlife13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Sadly there is no easy way out. The best thing you can do is give him honesty, and be truthful. Most on here, including myself never got answers. Answer his questions, be patient, he will hurt, but after that go NC immediatly. If he says he will kill himself alert his mother if you need to.
Author Fantasy Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 One of the worst parts about it is that generally, he is very sweet and kind, yet I do not feel satisfied in a relationship with him. I know many woman who would kill to be with a guy like him, and a lot of my guilt comes from the fact that I do not feel that way. Is that normal, like a preference of something, or am I just weird for being that way?
undergroundlife13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 No its not weird to feel that way, but you cannot force yourself to love someone as much as you wish you could. If you truly care about him, you would not string him along anymore.
Author Fantasy Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Is there a good time do this or is there just not a good time to break up? He usually goes home and is very grumpy until he speaks with me when I get off work, so most of the time he is grumpy about something and I'd hate to make him more upset, but I'd also hate to ruin a good mood, as well.
undergroundlife13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 There is never a right time. As hard as it may be, i would do it in person. You have been stringing him along so its only fair that you do so. I wish my breakup could have been this way, i would have been able to cope easier. He will hurt regardless, but the longer you wait the more he will hurt. expect anger from him, but dont get mad at him. you have no right to be mad, as you truly have hurt him.
Author Fantasy Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Well, thanks to everyone for the suggestions! Hoping to get it over with this weekend
inaya42 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 (edited) what I'm going to say here might sound a bit harsh, but I really think you need to stop talking to N and start talking to J. through the haze of happy hormones at the exciting other possibility, it can be hard to make good relationship choices. reading your post makes me feel that you attracted to unavailable men, emotionally and physically unavailable men. tell J everything you are telling us about how you're feeling. don't belittle him in order to give yourself a pass and not be honest and show sufficient respect. right now you're pretending that everything is okay while you conduct an emotional affair behind his back. no matter how he responds to a breakup, your guilt will come from not treating him well before and during the breakup. dumpees get strong over time and are able to discern what went wrong in their relationships over time. moving on is so much harder when you realize you've been strung along, cheated on, dumped for someone else, and that the person has been telling everyone that you're crazy in order to justify how they handled things. leave J well. he loves you and could become a dear friend in time... Edited June 12, 2013 by inaya42
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