How much time to do I give him...

[Augustrain79]

I need some advice and I'm very torn...

 

Last Sept I left my husband. He was a good man, but very stubborn and so much of the affection and caring was totally lost in the marriage. It felt like we mostly lived as roommates and I was tired of fighting for him to show SOMETHING... I would try to hold his hand and he would let mine go after only a few seconds... and we didn't really touch each other anymore, even for sex. We often had disagreements about money because he had a nasty credit card habit and would get upset with me because I would buy something small while out and would get questioned about EVERYTHING because so much of our money went to paying off credit cards. He also basically totally stopped helping around the house and what not. My flight reflex kicked in HARD. I ended up moving out of our house after 8 years of marriage while he was out of town.

 

When he got home he was DEVASTATED.. it was so hard to cope with. I felt horrible but everytime he would try to contact me I would push him away because my stomach would be in knots about it. He showed up at my apt several times...

 

3 months after I left he met another woman online and within 2 weeks be moved her into our house. I found out just before Christmas. Weird that she totally looks like me... tall and larger build. I was so hurt that he moved on so fast but i have since read that she is most definitely the rebound. So we didn't talk again for a long while besides the occasional weird email or quick message from him to me. I dated a few people while separated but nothing even remotely serious and I knew I wasn't ready for that.

 

Then two weeks ago.... when we would normally leave on our yearly cruise vacation, we started writing each other. He told me that he was unhappy. He said that life with his girlfriend was not what he expected and that she wasn't and never would be me. He wrote me that he will never love anyone else like he does me. He showed me things he has done to try to better himself. He filed chapter 13 with his credit cards and would be debt free (besides our home) in 5 years, he made improvements to our home. He's told me that he knows he took me for granted and we didn't work as a team. He admitted to being stubborn..... He even planted a magnolia tree in the front yard smack dab in the middle by the road for me.... My fav flowers are magnolias and I have a magnolia tattoo

 

Our simplified dissolution of marriage case was scheduled for this Monday and I know he didn't want to do it because he constantly put off getting me the paperwork and looked for every excuse to not file the papers with me over those 9 months. In our emails and conversations over lunches he told me that he didn't want to get divorced but he understood if i wanted too. We started talking about possibly dating again afterwards and reconciling things and I started to get on board with that... I missed him a lot.

 

So the day of the court case.... I broke down in tears in the courtroom and the judge asked if we were actually ready... and I said no. It's been put off for two months and the judge told us to get counselling before then...

 

 

BUT.... he still has his girlfriend living in our home. I get the impression that he feels really badly about all this and doesn't want to come across as the bad guy to her and hasn't found the right time to ask her to move out. Today I told him that I am 100% on board with getting counselling and seeing if we can reconcile and that I love him and he told me he loves me and wants to work on us....

 

So today, with no movement from him, except for telling me about a text she sent him about "if he doesn't want to be with her to tell her" .... This made me feel that he is actually "freezing her out" instead of coming clean with her. Today I told him three weeks or else I'm going to assume he doesn't want to work on us and he text back "I understand and I love you".

 

I dont' know if I did the right thing! I felt like I had to put a time limit on how long I will wait. I truly feel that if he really wanted to reconcile he would tell her he wants to work on things with his WIFE and ask her to move out... but he hasn't. it's been almost 2 weeks since we started talking again.... Did I do the right thing??? Did I give him enough time??? too much time??? I feel ....confused and conflicted...

Edited June 11, 2013 by Augustrain79

[eleve82]

Augustrain79, what you did was completely within reason. By giving him clear conditions, he knows exactly what must be done to salvage the relationship. He by now should also realise the dangers of acting on impulse (here finding a rebound relationship so quickly) Sadly, as with every second chance, without upholding your requirements, he will not take them seriously. (You would also need to commit to changing your responses to him as well, if he has given you concerns).

 

It doesn't appear that he has committed to getting her out with her non committal reply and his communication issues may also need to be addressed.

 

Do keep us posted on what he returns with - I hope he comes to a sensible conclusion.

[Steadfast]

Did I do the right thing??? Did I give him enough time??? too much time??? I feel ....confused and conflicted...

 

Generally speaking, when you leave someone, you've left them. I am certain that's how he saw it. His devastation speaks towards believing you'd never return, reinforced, no doubt by your continued rebuttals. From my seat, it seems your interest in him returned when he began seeing someone else. And while it is true he acted in haste, how can you judge it?

 

And you 'dated' as well, but nothing serious. What's the point in that? Oh...wait, let me guess. I do believe you're justifying at will here.

 

Conclusion: You left, reinforced it, but expected him to wait in limbo until you really made up your mind. Is this reasonable? I'd be confused too.

 

I'd suggest clearing the air by demanding no less than what you're willing to give yourself. I'm seeing a lot of emotions flying about here, but few of them are what I'd consider love. What do you really want?

[notbroken]

What you've asked for seems reasonable, but there seems to be some things missing.

 

Have you decided what you really want?

Are you 100% committed to making it work?

Can you put the hurt of him being with another woman behind you? Sure?

 

Has your husband decided? Is he 100% committed? Can he put the hurt of you leaving behind him? Is he sure about that?

 

Have you figured out and 'owned' your part in the split, instead of just his? Are you willing to work on that? It seems you left him without really discussing it that much. There will be trust issues that must be addressed (on both sides). My experience has shown unless both parties figure out their part then there is no real chance of improvement.

 

I hope it works out for you both. Definitely see a counselor.

[orionboxing]

Augustrain79 - I am exactly the same situation. Only I'm male.

 

I wanted out of my 3 year marriage due to my wife's poor behavior...we separated...and we divorced last November. I went 4 months without seeing, texting, or emailing her after the divorce was final. Once I saw her again, she was incredibly mean and hateful, and like your partner, seeing somebody or having some type of rebound relationship. It crushed me to hear this. I spent many nights crying my eyes out....but I never pleaded to her to give me another chance....I simply disappeared for another four months.

 

I was all alone and didn't want to date and was working on rebuilding myself to what I used to be.

 

I decided to start dating recently. Since April, I've been on four dates...made out with three girls and I have found someone that I'm about to be sexual with....and even through all of this, I still miss my ex-wife...A LOT. It seems like nobody compares. Love dies hard.

 

I think it's a good thing that you are communicating with him. I do not communicate with my ex at all. I wish it wasn't this way.

 

Like you, I still very much love my partner but the relationship was killing me and making me less of a person. In the time I've been a part from her...I have actually figured out what I would need to do to make our relationship a success again...but now, it might be too late for me. I completely regret my divorce.

 

It is not too late for you. Please try to save this. I'm telling you, the heartache of a finalized divorce is the most painful thing you can possibly endure. I have been there and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The mere fact that you made it to the courthouse, and couldn't go through with it tells me that there is something here worth saving.

 

You need to know that in order for this to work out, this other girl needs to leave immediately. You also need to realize that your marriage is DEAD...and that you need to begin a new chapter with him. Convey this to him. You need to look at him like a new partner and not as someone you have known for the past eight years. You both need to change in order for it work.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Augustrain79]

Thank you all for your replies. I am not judging him for his relationship. He did what he had to do to make himself feel better about what happened. Do I wish he hadn't moved her in to the house so fast, absolutely... but I don't blame him one bit.

 

He and I have sat down and discussed a lot of what went wrong. I know where I went wrong and he has also discussed where he went wrong. We both have accepted part of the blame as one of his texts to me after the court room fiasco was that we didn't work as a team and we need too.

 

I actually was a little hurt when I heard he was with her, and at the same time, I felt almost relieved he would be ok. He had told me that during that initial split up he contemplated suicide... I actually do believe that, I know I hurt him and I will always regret that. It wasn't right away or even when I heard he was with someone that I started thinking about my marriage and reconciling it.. it was all in the last month or so...they have been together 6 months now.

 

He is ready to ask her to leave, and has acknowledged my time limit to waiting. He told me that he doesn't really talk to her much, and I know that where she used to constantly tag him and post about him on facebook she hasn't in over a month. (I'm still friends with his family) She started a new job on Monday and he wants to wait until she actually gets a paycheck before he asks her to move out. I think that is decent of him and exactly what he would do. He has been in constant contact with me during this so far and he has said this is important to him.

 

Steadfast.... I was just trying to tell as much of the story as possible. THank you for taking out of it what you wanted too and rolling with it. It was very helpful. I never expected him to wait around.. I never expected to want to work on my marriage at the time. I personally think that people live and learn from their mistakes... whether the grass isn't always greener or you never know what you have until you lose it... or whatever the lessons in life are we are all here to make those mistakes. If I get a chance to redeem myself and work on my marriage I am happy with that. I'm editing to add: I do love him...this time apart has made me see that I don't want to love anyone else.

 

eleve- I think that counselling will hopefully help with the communication issues. He acknowledged them when we sat down and discussed what happened, and he has been very communicative about what's happening and why. I have my own issues to work out, and would love to learn some tactics to use to help myself deal with times when we disagree about some stuff.

 

notbroken- I actually HAVE asked myself how I will feel about another woman living in my house after all is said and done. I have a feeling I may have some initial issues with that. Maybe some insecurities. Another reason for counselling... I also believe we are both 100% invested in making this work, so I know we will get through it and it will take time I'm sure. I also think that he will probably have issues about me leaving again, and no, I wouldn't blame him for that. It only means to me that I will have to put in work to show him that I want this marriage and to make it comfortable again. I did this to myself and I know that.

 

Thank you Orionboxing. It was a simplified dissolution and supposed to be easy as pie. Everyone in the courtroom that went before us was so "absolute" in the way they presented themselves. It seemed so EASY for all of them. My husband sat next to me staring at the floor looking torn up and I was in tears. Something was wrong with that.... We were not so resolved as the rest of the people there getting divorced and when we left the courtroom he looked "happy" and we stood in the hallway hugging for like 10 minutes. I agree with you... that in and of itself says there is something worth saving. On that note I agree with starting over... I'm not moving right back home and he knows that.. we both agree we should "date" first and get counselling and slowly work on us again and build on our friendship too. We will always have those years of history though...not all of it was bad at all.

 

Since yesterday I actually feel better about waiting a bit. He has asked for some patience and told me he is just trying to do the right thing. I think my marriage is worth a little patience. Thank you to those that says I did the right thing. I am going to stand firm on my limit, but I don't think it will be a problem... I actually feel a lot of faith in that after talking to him yesterday and today. We are meeting to go to a movie one night soon... and I can't wait to see him and spend time on us...

Edited June 13, 2013 by Augustrain79

[JayS]

Generally speaking, when you leave someone, you've left them. I am certain that's how he saw it. His devastation speaks towards believing you'd never return, reinforced, no doubt by your continued rebuttals. From my seat, it seems your interest in him returned when he began seeing someone else. And while it is true he acted in haste, how can you judge it?

 

And you 'dated' as well, but nothing serious. What's the point in that? Oh...wait, let me guess. I do believe you're justifying at will here.

 

Conclusion: You left, reinforced it, but expected him to wait in limbo until you really made up your mind. Is this reasonable? I'd be confused too.

 

I'd suggest clearing the air by demanding no less than what you're willing to give yourself. I'm seeing a lot of emotions flying about here, but few of them are what I'd consider love. What do you really want?

 

I have to agree. I'll try to be brief. I put myself into a recovery home for alcoholism awhile ago. I wasn't physically abusive, but I was very verbally so. The shame I finally felt led me to seek help, and also save my marriage. I love my wife and children and I believe that marriage is forever. However, though my wife and I spoke daily on the phone while I was in the treatment center, she secretly planned to move, and did so. I came home to her and the children having left. To this day she won't tell me her address. I'm not a stalker...we had a good marriage (I thought). When I called her on her cell phone, she said that "maybe" it would work, and to not speak to her about anything other than our daughter. There has been ZERO talk about our future. I take the blame for her leaving, How she left still hurts me. We both use a 3rd party couple who is active in recovery circles, as our sort of mediators. I am told that she's waiting for me to prove myself, and that time will tell. Last week I met up with her to see my daughter. When we parted ways, I tried to get near my wife and she just walked away. No communication. It is very hurtful. To be left in Limbo, in my opinion, is cruel. I made the next move and decided to date again. One of my reasons...when we met, her ex was on the sidelines. One day he showed up out of the blue and said "Why are you texting me? Do you want me or your new boyfriend?" (me) So now there are two arguments against her..she moved out while telling me on the phone that all was fine, and when I met her, she didn't even officially end things with her ex. I'm not waiting to be the next one to be fooled. As much as I love her, I can't bring myself to hang onto a thread of hope, especially when she, now into 2 months of separation, refuses to even speak of a future outside of "maybe"

[Steadfast]

Thank you to those that says I did the right thing.

 

That's the kiss of death if you're really sincere about growing as a person and seeking true fulfillment in life. See, even by liberal standards you've done very little right; except for exercising your right to do what you want when you feel like it. Adding justification that you've done the 'right thing' is your husband's (rather complex) willingness to work on the marriage despite you leaving him, ignoring him, and watching him move another woman in. The clincher? You'd rather see that woman in his life than deal with the guilt of him hurting himself over the breakup. Can you see this?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for marriage. In your case, the sooner you realize and accept the fact that love is a decision -not just an emotional feeling- the better your chances will be of having a sustaining marriage.

 

The benefits of loving commitment are not immediately seen; they must be earned. Pride, selfishness and neediness are the enemy of marriage.

[Augustrain79]

That's the kiss of death if you're really sincere about growing as a person and seeking true fulfillment in life. See, even by liberal standards you've done very little right; except for exercising your right to do what you want when you feel like it. Adding justification that you've done the 'right thing' is your husband's (rather complex) willingness to work on the marriage despite you leaving him, ignoring him, and watching him move another woman in. The clincher? You'd rather see that woman in his life than deal with the guilt of him hurting himself over the breakup. Can you see this?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for marriage. In your case, the sooner you realize and accept the fact that love is a decision -not just an emotional feeling- the better your chances will be of having a sustaining marriage.

 

The benefits of loving commitment are not immediately seen; they must be earned. Pride, selfishness and neediness are the enemy of marriage.

 

I hope I'm not focusing on the wrong part of your post, but that last statement hit home. Not as much for me but for him.... he was/is stubborn, full of pride and was very selfish in our relationship. Everything was his way or the highway and I ALWAYS gave in to keep the peace for 9 years... and he had admitted to that and knows that he was wrong. You act like I just left for no reason when you write, but there is much you do not know. I felt like his mother some days more then his wife. HE KNOWS WHY I LEFT (though I do hear ya on the that, I was not right either) You know very little of the dynamics that lead me to leave and thats why I am bothered by your post.

 

Thats one of the things I wanted to work on. This entire relationship and marriage is complex, so it bothers me that you are honing in on only the things I did that make you think there was no love on my part. I didn't want to do what i wanted to do when I wanted to do them... I'm not begging for him back..we are mutually communicating it. I didn't WANT him to move someone in, but YES I felt horrible for hurting him, because even though I left for me, I still care about him enough to not want to see him hurting. I don't think that is selfish of me at all... And dont think I just left and was ok with it either... I had a very very hard time with it.

 

I think in the end you are right in your first post... I left initially because of what I was willing to put up with. Maybe we shouldn't work it out... people don't change, but it doesn't mean I don't care about him and miss him and miss things we did together and want to work it out. This is a choice I'm making after the roller coaster of the last 9 months. HIS family, who knows him, supports me and has said that he has treated me poorly, and they've seen it..... Yes, after 9 years of it being about him, yes, I am going to make decisions for me... Do I plan on making changes in myself or the way I handle things. I do, and I am not always in the right...

Edited June 13, 2013 by Augustrain79

[Augustrain79]

I have to agree. I'll try to be brief. I put myself into a recovery home for alcoholism awhile ago. I wasn't physically abusive, but I was very verbally so. The shame I finally felt led me to seek help, and also save my marriage. I love my wife and children and I believe that marriage is forever. However, though my wife and I spoke daily on the phone while I was in the treatment center, she secretly planned to move, and did so. I came home to her and the children having left. To this day she won't tell me her address. I'm not a stalker...we had a good marriage (I thought). When I called her on her cell phone, she said that "maybe" it would work, and to not speak to her about anything other than our daughter. There has been ZERO talk about our future. I take the blame for her leaving, How she left still hurts me. We both use a 3rd party couple who is active in recovery circles, as our sort of mediators. I am told that she's waiting for me to prove myself, and that time will tell. Last week I met up with her to see my daughter. When we parted ways, I tried to get near my wife and she just walked away. No communication. It is very hurtful. To be left in Limbo, in my opinion, is cruel. I made the next move and decided to date again. One of my reasons...when we met, her ex was on the sidelines. One day he showed up out of the blue and said "Why are you texting me? Do you want me or your new boyfriend?" (me) So now there are two arguments against her..she moved out while telling me on the phone that all was fine, and when I met her, she didn't even officially end things with her ex. I'm not waiting to be the next one to be fooled. As much as I love her, I can't bring myself to hang onto a thread of hope, especially when she, now into 2 months of separation, refuses to even speak of a future outside of "maybe"

 

 

I am so sorry for your story. It sounds like you were hurt. Alcoholism, for someone that rarely drinks though (like me), would be a deal breaker... and I'm willing to bet that she cares, but needs to know that she and her kids are safe. Do people not realize that once you verbally abuse or control someone for so long you are really pushing them away, sending them to that breaking point of "I need to protect myself right now."

 

As for that....I never left my husband in limbo. NEVER... He was never told there was a chance... I didn't think there was a chance. I felt done, done with the control and the selfishness.... No one told him that I was waiting for him to "prove" anything, least of all me.

 

Did he chose to tell me in emails that he has changed things and is wanting to prove himself now... that was his choice, and I was calm and thinking more clearly since time went by, and I have chosen to listen.... I still dont' think that means I need to tell him I love him when he tells me he loves me and then be ok with him spending his evenings with his girlfriend, and letting that go on forever... no, I will eventually have to cut contact... because if we are going to get counselling and work it out, then we need to be free too. That was the whole point of this post initially. sigh...

 

Nevermind... obviously I guess I should have not contacted him back when he wrote me a couple weeks ago by whats written here. I appreciate all the input... I'll stew it over...

[Steadfast]

...it bothers me that you are honing in on only the things I did that make you think there was no love on my part. I didn't want to do what i wanted to do when I wanted to do them...

 

I am taking a critical view of your actions because in my opinion, you need a critic. You state part of the issue was your husband's 'my way or the highway' demeanor, yet I'm getting from your words that you'd like to tip the control scale in your favor. You wanted certain things done. You wanted more say in decisions. You wanted to be respected. Can't you read in my words (based on experience) that approach won't work? Please read carefully; these are issues that should have been hammered out during the courtship/dating process. Not after vows are exchanged. In my opinion it is not too late to correct these areas. It's never too late to do the right thing.

 

It's just harder to backtrack. Yet, to be successful with him, you must.

 

I can and do understand your frustration regarding the woman living in your house. Not trying to be overly harsh, I cannot believe you are tolerating it...at least, in the context of attempting a marriage reconciliation. Please, look deep within yourself to find out why.

 

You strike me as a honest, intelligent young lady augustrain. One that certainly should be aiming higher. As I previously said, I am in favor of marriage and believe in trying. That said, I'd peel the earth back for the woman I love, and do it yesterday. Any less would cause me to wonder.

[Augustrain79]

Thank you Steadfast... you are right.. I do need a critic. The more time that goes by the more intent I get one wanting to be able to work it out and the more the balance tips back to him. I can sense it and feel it and know it. You were RIGHT ON THE MONEY about a little more say in stuff and some respect....

 

I'm not sure what to do though to right the ship permanently, or what I did wrong to get it this way. But I do WANT to save my marriage and I get from him that he wants too as well. I feel like I have to give him a little leeway for being scared that I'm gonna take off again... but how much?

 

It wasn't like this 9 years ago when we dated... he wrote me love letters and took me out and did everything for me and with me. It was a long honeymoon phase and we never fought about anything.... It changed along the way, gradually and slowly and I couldn't even tell you when and how everything turned into what it did. There was no "moment" and no way to know when it happened...

 

I left, I did everything I could (apart from counselling because it just never seemed to happen) and then I left. Is it sad that I just want the man I married back??? he is that man still in a lot of ways. I've received really nice emails from him these two weeks and texts saying that he loves me. Even when he is home at night he is chatting with me by text or like tonight playing words with friends with me. And knowing my husband I do think he's "freezing her out" by not talking to her as much etc. Thats not very nice but he definitely has severe communication problems... as in like, can't put his feelings into words ever. It caused a lot of issues because I have NO PROBLEM communicating how I feel or what I'm thinking... He has ALWAYS had trouble vocalizing his thoughts and opinions with everybody and thats why we communicate best through writing. There were times we fought and actually had the fight by email because it was the best way to get it out and clear the air.

 

There is a long history with him in his life and abuse by his mother who was seriously ill and put into a nursing home eventually, and he and his sister were shipped out of state because of the abuse. He has A LOT to work through and he is 40 this year. But there are times he is so darn wonderful and times I've looked at him and I've knew I love and loved him more then anything else. Thats what I want to save... and I want him and us to get help. After we split he was on antidepressants for awhile and he thinks they helped him a lot...

 

sigh.. IDK why I'm telling you all this.. you are making me think about everything. Maybe I AM just justifying everything that has happened... and is happening. Maybe you are right... I just want my marriage to work so badly still....

 

What is the best course of action to work through this and preserve the balance and us working together. Even he said "we didn't work as a team" ... I don't know what I need to do.... I'm lost.

Edited June 14, 2013 by Augustrain79

[Augustrain79]

This is my problem with these things.. I leave the thread and I think it through and I'm confused. You said not to late to do the right thing.. but what is the right thing? I spent my whole marriage "letting go of my pride" because his was so big and that didn't do anything but make it worse. Is the right thing to keep it now and make my expectations clear to myself if we want to start again...

 

Should I just back off.... He's so stubborn. When I asked for the divorce he didn't even flinch and he did things to further it before I even thought about moving out of the house.... let alone even looked into splitting at all. The first thing he did the next day was move to the spare bedroom and change his beneficiary information at work. He didn't even flinch, and instead he used his power trying to get me to crack...(which has always worked, only this time it just made me run).... So is there really a way to fix the marriage and make it what it should be?

 

or is all this just for me in the end anyway... for me to stand my ground and realize that it may never be what I want/need it to be??

[Steadfast]

You said not to late to do the right thing.. but what is the right thing?

 

First of all, please try to relax and breathe. No matter how good the advice is here, you will not be able to solve every issue or answer every question at once. Like most everything in life, problems and issues are dealt with one at a time.

 

I also suggest you stop worrying about what you can't control (that would include almost everything to do with him) and focus on you. Generally, you must determine what it is that you want. Specifically, pinpoint exactly what kind of person you desire to be, then see how that vision of yourself fits into the marriage. The point? You can only work on this two-sided marriage from one side. You only control you. The reality? This would be true whether you were happily married or not. He can't make you happy and you can't do for him what only he can to do for himself.

 

The right thing is the healthiest, most honest choice at any given moment.

 

I spent my whole marriage "letting go of my pride" because his was so big and that didn't do anything but make it worse.

 

Any marriage that is a dictatorship isn't a happy marriage. How can two people grow and discover when one person is calling all the shots?

 

Reacting just to what you've written, I'd wager your husband's control antics are a result of insecurity. As long as he's in control, he won't get hurt. Until he trusts you enough to let that go, it'll never change. These things must be resolved. You can take it halfway, the rest is on him.

 

Know this; I believe the ability to heal and grow lives within all of us. The critical ingredient is desire. When that's in place, we must develop the skill set to carry them out. Communication is key. Patience. A whole list of 'grown up' attributes that clearly are missing from your relationship.

 

Can you both grow up? Do you want to? Do you understand that in life, we all must carry our own water? Marriage should not be a prison; it should provide the platform for two people to chase their dreams. In my opinion.

 

One problem at a time. Right now, that one problem seems pretty obvious. Agree? Until that's resolved, you're stuck. At least as far as this relationship is concerned. Only you can decide when enough is enough. No one else.

Edited June 14, 2013 by Steadfast

[eleve82]

Very rarely will you find someone who will be 100% aware of the things that are causing your interactions to deteriorate, particularly if that person lacks self awareness. The hardest part in life is often realising when the right time to let go is. Understand that everyone matures at a different rate - only you can judge whether you can help them reach the stage where they realise that pride has very little place in a real relationship or if it will take a sudden and major event to cause this.

 

Let me give you an example: a relative of mine treated his family with emotional, verbal and physical abuse for many years, and was a very proud man who believed he could do no wrong. It was only when he contracted a terminal illness that he began to crumble and realise his family was the only one supporting him. From a man who never said "thank you", he began to express his appreciation to everyone and changed his ways. It took him years to reflect on himself and appreciate what he has. It is too late for him to make amends now but everyone has seen the change in him.

 

The thing is, he may or may not ever reach this point where he will put aside his pride to work on the marriage - you will never know. But since you have the wisdom and courage to have a bigger and longer term perspective on what is important, YOU can improve your own situation by controlling how you react to this: talk to him rationally, without any finger pointing, be open to hearing what he has to say about you too but be firm that you want to see commitment to improve things (and that you are committed to doing so too). when you have tried your very best, without a positive response, you will know when it is time to move on.

[Augustrain79]

Thank you both. It's very confusing for me but I'm feel already like enough is enough. LOL Nothing about this situation is right. It's Friday, and I'm giving him the weekend to make a change. I let him know in a very calm email last night that I think the marriage should be worked on by both sides and if we can't make the first step then there is nothing to build off of. I told him to contact me when/if he breaks it off with her, and we can talk about counselling, but I'm gonna work on me.

 

Make no mistake, it will hurt if he doesn't choose to work on the marriage. But you are both right... For me, it starts with me, and I need to know that no matter what he chooses to do I will be ok. Everything was going so well for me and I really felt like I had a grip on stuff until all this happened. This has in some ways reinforced that I have to decide whats best for me first, and maybe that will give me the changes I need.

 

On that note, this is the first morning in awhile I haven't received a text from him or some sort of communication. It's these times that I used to fall apart and give in... the times when he was silent. I have no desire to do that anymore... I did go see a counselor after I left Larry for awhile. She told me that I needed to let someone work for me as much as I work for them.... and she was right... and somehow I'VE already fallen into my own habits and patterns.

 

Thank you both so much... even if I was a little annoyed with you at first Steadfast... lol! I will let you know what happens. No matter what, I'm sure everything will be ok.

[eleve82]

I hope for the both of you that he will do the right thing, crossing my fingers! Keep us posted and I hope to hear positive news soon.

 

Wishing you lots of love n luck!

[Steadfast]

I told him to contact me when/if he breaks it off with her, and we can talk about counselling, but I'm gonna work on me.

 

This is a positive step in the right direction.

 

...this is the first morning in awhile I haven't received a text from him or some sort of communication.

 

Meaning, I would confidently assume, he hasn't broke it off yet.

 

The ball as they say, is in his court. I do hope you're sincere about making positive changes regardless of what he does. Finding your path upward is something you'd want to undertake anyway; whether he was the best husband in the world, or a snake. Take courage in knowing you control your own happiness. That's why I never write 'good luck' to posters seeking advice. You don't need luck. Happiness isn't random chance, it's choice.

 

Please do keep us posted.

[Augustrain79]

well... he broke down and lied to me yesterday telling me that he has asked her to move out. He told me that the night before she slept on the couch. I let myself trust him and got excited about it and he ended up coming over and I made some dinner and we watched some TV together. It was kinda nice... and then he said he had to go. I started to let my emotions get the best of me and I looked at their facebook pages which still said they were in a relationship with his pic and her pic both being of them still.

 

Needless to say what happened after that is how I found out he lied, I'd rather not go into specifics about it but lets just say I went to the house, confronted him calmly and told him to choose... he didn't choose me, but he remained neutral so I walked away. This also ended up precipitating her knowing everything that has happened because she stood on the other side of the front door listening in. Last night after all that he deleted his facebook page and she changed her profile picture.

 

I feel relief in knowing that I was willing to work on us and he wasn't and I'm walking away. It takes two work on a marriage, and I am not going to be in this on my own. I initially left to find my happiness and thats what I'm going to do. I am going to set a higher standard for how I wish to be treated in a relationship and hopefully I find it... and if not, I actually have a ton of friends and people who love me and I'll be good. Doesnt' make the pain right at this second of being lied too so that I wouldn't stop talking to him any less though... just doesn't. I'll be ok though... thank you both....

[NHStrider]

Good for you!

 

You gave him a chance and now you know it's time to move on.

[Steadfast]

Own your part of this Augustrain. Don't deceive yourself into believing his actions alone put you where you are now. Being anything but 100% honest with yourself will slow healing and weaken your resolve. Own your part.

 

You tried, and for that you'll gain much inner peace. It was the right thing. This time is now for you; to rebuild your spirit and rediscover your passions. Don't worry about the pain, it has its place in this situation. It is the pain you'll remember in the future when making critical decisions. The memory of this pain will remind you when you begin to question your instincts.

 

Keep posting. You'll have much to offer others here in the future.

[Augustrain79]

Yes, today I find myself grieving what I thought was going to be a second chance. I suppose thats why I originally posted this in the "second chance" section and someone moved it to this area of the board. I can get through today and move forward tomorrow. I am allowed to give myself this time. It will be much easier then when I left originally.

 

I want to own my part... I think my part happened years ago, when I started letting him walk on me and just did what I thought I needed to to please him. I think he started losing respect for me and knew he could treat me however he wanted too. I think I trained him to be the way he is. If he closes up.. guess who's there trying to make it up or make it better... ME! He knew exactly what to do to get my attention and he used it to his advantage and took control of everything. It's funny... this last week when I got to excited about us going to counsellling and working on things.. I could feel the tides turn, and I could feel him pulling away to see how far he could pull before I cracked. Part of me being that way is because I hate conflict. I hate going to bed mad... and I'd rather fight it out quickly and make up. I have a lot to work on with that before I get into another relationship.

[Yasuandio]

Augustrain,

 

I want to point out something beyond this drama mess with this man. It is very simple. Look in the mirror. Do you see what I see? You are a STUNNING YOUNG BEAUTY! Have you forgotten that? (Not to mention what you bring to the table!)

 

Imagine what might happen in your life if you planly focus and act ONLY on the affirmation, "It's all about me!" Young lady - you can have your choices in life, you a a queen! Lose the RRA (Relationship Related Anxiety).

 

1. Smile and smile and smile everywhere you go.

2. Fix up your car. Get a personalized tag.

3. Dress to the 9's everywhere you go - even to the grocery.

4. Change up your style - maybe little short summer dresses and minis, bright colors. High heel sandles.

5. Get up-date on your blonde locks, something really edgy. High gear.

6. A bright new lipstick.

7. Mani, pedi. If you already have that - then totally change it - go French tips, or super long, just different.

 

What I'm saying is do a whole bunch of girl stuff for you. It doesn't have to be expensive. I shop ebay for all my stuff. About a month ago, I found a flirty, ruffled summer Chaps/Ralph Lauren Summer Skirt for 5 bucks! Really makes me feel like a girl. Changed my look too. Not as short as I usually wear - sort of an assymentrical look.

 

A little treat can make a big difference. Having my hot little car clean and polished makes a big diffence in how I feel driving it. I did the detailing myself.

 

Do you have a pet, a dog? Get a little cute halter for your dog - and start walking doggie in new neighborhood, prance and smile. HaHa. If you don't have doggie, maybe go flirt at doggies in the window, just for fun! A doggie will be nice to you with no smart mouth or two-timing. But you don't have to get to enjoy and flirt with them. Just take it under consideration.

 

Take EVERYTHING UNDER (your) CONSIDERATION. That is the point. Put yourself in control. Rearrange the whole flat! Apply wisdon to your situation......Time alone, time that is yours, ooooooo, la-la! That means you are a free woman! When was the last time you were a free woman? Can do anything you want? That is the good side of the situation. Enjoy this. Get out of the RRA - it will get you deeper into depression. A man that chose another woman and advertised it on Social Media is not a man tha is YOUR man. Even if he removed it from the social platform, the footprint will always remain. He will NEVER be able to UN-RING the bell on that act, honey. Red Flag!

 

These are just some little ideas. Get focus on you! Keep focus on you! Hope this helps. Yas

Edited June 15, 2013 by Yasuandio