sunmoonstars Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Let me just preface this by saying that when we first got together I smoked weed with him, but I have since quit (about 3 months into the relationship, we have been together 3 and a half years now). At this point I think he’s addicted and I need some advice on what to do. When we first got together he lost his (good paying) job due to failing a drug test for…you guessed it, marijuana. He’s currently employed but the job isn’t great. In the past year and a half he’s been arrested twice for possession of marijuana. He’s currently on probation until this coming August. I’m dreading him getting off because he’s already planning on smoking and he’s even bought new accessories for his “piece” that he smokes with. After he was forced to quit smoking he started drinking a lot and became extremely irritable and just plain nasty sometimes. He never used to be this way. I don’t think being that dependent on any substance is good. I’m at a loss because I can’t stand the way he acts when he smokes (careless, boring, spaced out) or drinks (verbally abusive, angry, incompetent). His friends egg on this behavior and promote the weed smoking and drinking, I’d like to get rid of them too but one thing at a time… I don’t get it because he’s from a good family and his parents are very against drugs of any kind (he was even caught with weed when he was in high school, which they found out about). I know this is horrible but I’m thinking about leaving his probation officer an anonymous message letting her know that he is planning on smoking as soon as his probation is done. I know it’s a d*ck move but I’m at a loss as to what I should do. I don’t want to break up with him because I love and care for him but I really can’t stand this about him and I truly believe he is addicted.
jphcbpa Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 dont leave the message for the PO. get on with your life. you need to set some boundries and take care of yourself. i would suggest alanon or similar to help you deal with the addict, and detach with love. 2
Balzac Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Look up codependent. It's your problem that you've stayed in this relationship. He's allowed to make adult decisions concerning his behavior. 1
KatZee Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 You're in a relationship that's unhealthy and dysfunctional to you. I get that you've been with him for 3.5 years but it's really not your job to be a mother figure to him, to get him off drugs/alcohol, to get rid of his friends??? or to stick around to continue to be abused by him. He needs to want to change. He doesn't. It's very clear he's fine with his lifestyle. Now you have two options. 1. Stay and continue down this miserable path 2. Leave him If you're smart, you'll know which to choose. 3
Grumpybutfun Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 the way he acts when he smokes (careless, boring, spaced out) or drinks (verbally abusive, angry, incompetent). These are the issues. His behavior. No probation officer in the world is going to get him to stop since he had to have had a legal issue in order to get probation to begin with and that did not alter his behavior. You are in two different places in your life. You are growing up and letting go of teenage angst rebellion and he is stagnant. From years of observation, let me reiterate this to you so you will not waste any time thinking you can change him....the only person you can change is you. So unless you are okay with his drug use and alcohol consumption as it relates to his altering of personality and behavior, run very fast away from him. Love will not change him. Care will not change him. Laws will not change him until he gets extremely drunk and runs over someone. In fact, if this is a problem that has escalated since high school, you can be sure of one thing...past behaviors are firm indicators of future behaviors. The drugs and alcohol are only symptoms that your bf has some deep rooted issues that have nothing to do with you. If he will not stop these behaviors for you, then what makes you think he will for a legal system he doesn't care anything about or respect? You can contact his probation officer and when he finds out you will be starting a thread on here called...."Help! MY bf dumped me because I contacted his Probation Officer due to his Weed Use because he cares more about his drugs and alcohol than anything else in the world." This may sound harsh but it has been my observation from a personal standpoint and from a legal one. I hope you choose you when you have to make a choice between happiness and drama. Good luck, Grumps 2
Tree_Salmon Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Let me just preface this by saying that when we first got together I smoked weed with him, but I have since quit (about 3 months into the relationship, we have been together 3 and a half years now). At this point I think he’s addicted and I need some advice on what to do. When we first got together he lost his (good paying) job due to failing a drug test for…you guessed it, marijuana. He’s currently employed but the job isn’t great. In the past year and a half he’s been arrested twice for possession of marijuana. He’s currently on probation until this coming August. I’m dreading him getting off because he’s already planning on smoking and he’s even bought new accessories for his “piece” that he smokes with. After he was forced to quit smoking he started drinking a lot and became extremely irritable and just plain nasty sometimes. He never used to be this way. I don’t think being that dependent on any substance is good. I’m at a loss because I can’t stand the way he acts when he smokes (careless, boring, spaced out) or drinks (verbally abusive, angry, incompetent). His friends egg on this behavior and promote the weed smoking and drinking, I’d like to get rid of them too but one thing at a time… I don’t get it because he’s from a good family and his parents are very against drugs of any kind (he was even caught with weed when he was in high school, which they found out about). I know this is horrible but I’m thinking about leaving his probation officer an anonymous message letting her know that he is planning on smoking as soon as his probation is done. I know it’s a d*ck move but I’m at a loss as to what I should do. I don’t want to break up with him because I love and care for him but I really can’t stand this about him and I truly believe he is addicted. I've been in this same situation, it doesn't get better or change. It doesn't matter what kind of family he's from. This is a lifestyle you dont seem to share so don't force yourself. I wouldn't stick around.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 This IS who he is (for now). He has a problem. And you have a problem. You apparently love the image you've made for him. You can't fix him. You CAN fix yourself though. Moving on would represent a test for him as to where you truly stand in his world. Is weed more important? You'll find out if he does nothing to clean up and try to get you back. Even at that, what he's fooling with is something bigger than just cleaning up and it takes a lot of time. IMO and in my experience, pot use equivocates into getting off the maturity boat. That realization has to sink in on a person and becoming mature has to come to matter more than getting high--not just getting a g/f back but achieving some new perspective which illuminates the wrongs of intoxication. I'm not even sure one can make up for lost time. Maturity growth can't be gauged by a former user until five to ten years of abstinence have revealed things.
RogerWallace111 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 (edited) All the responses I expected... As someone who's smoked dank regularly for years at a time, hasn't for years at a time, and currently does on occasion but not regularly, I can sympathize with your boyfriend. If you smoke weed for any long period of time you can get to where it becomes a kind of ingrained promise of escape that lingers in your sub-conscious. Multiple times, a few months out from a smoky period, I've thought "jesus I'll never be into that **** again". And then another 6 go by and you take a puff somewhere just because. It can be a bitch to throw permanently. And the increased drinking is a classic side effect for myself plus other former stoners I've known. And taking up cigarettes. My point being it's a sh*tty cycle and your man's not the only one who has that sort of pattern. It's not some make-or-break, crisis of a situation like some replies are saying. You need to really talk to him about how you feel. If you make your position fully clear and he disregards it or insists on maintaining his behavior, then it's time to leave. Best to get things out now before he actually starts blazing again. As you said, the "withdrawals" from marijuana can make someone very unpleasant to be around and create an extra element of worked-upness. Tell him he's way more fun when he's not smoking, but that replacing it with heavy-drinking isn't gonna work either. As someone who used alcohol and at times green as an escape during a long term relationship that his since passed, personally- in hindsight... It was about me being bored with the routine my life had become (which was not her fault, nor a desire on my end to be with other girls). It's just easy to get into a rut, and even if it's generally comfortable, it can eat away at you on another level. And when you don't foresee fun/exciting change of any kind, you can end up turning to substance as a way of accepting that reality for a time. Or escaping it. Anyway, just be kind but honest with him about how you're being affected and give him a clear but somewhat gently-put message that you won't be "hanging in there" with it much longer. Edited June 11, 2013 by RogerWallace111 1
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I wouldnt leave a message for the probation officer in my opinion .....try to get the guy you are with to admit it himself, to come clean because it is the right thing to do.....to own that he has a problem, if he does then that would be the first step for him in recovery..........i wish you much luck ...i struggle to get people to own up they have a problem with pot.....my daughter has a fiancee addicted.......avoidance is the issue...avoidance is so much easier......to get out of it...then things dont seem bad.....the worst worry is who ate the last cupcake in the munchie session....but then reality comes back....that normally hits when the pot runs out.....and the craving for it begins...the agression the agitation the arguments...... if they dont feel they have a problem ...it cant be fixed as i said i wish you much luck...he needs to take responsibility you cannot do that for them..deb
sillyanswer Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 If he wants to help himself, now would be a good time to get onto a substance abuse program... so that he has support in place when the legal reason stopping him from smoking expires in August. But, I'm not sure if he does want to. Some substance abuse / addiction programs can help people like you - ie not the user but someone close who is affected by it. At least you could get some advice if you want any. Don't forget to look after yourself... if he can't give up the booze / weed (or get it to a level where it doesn't cause problems) then you may need to consider giving him up - ie leaving him. Good luck. 1
El Brujo Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Ratting on him to his probie is going a bit too far... but the guy sounds like a pleasure-centered personality. I realize this doesn't sound very nice, but he's in love with Mary Jane and not you. The only way he's going to learn is the hard way... you better not be anywhere near him when THAT happens, because it'll be messy. I know because I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and all the drug users I remember from back then, either ended up vegetables, in prison, or dead. You can't help him, because he's on a personal mission to find the ultimate high.
thatone Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 (edited) Pot isn't addictive like other drugs are, I still don't think one can be 'addicted' to pot in the way that, for example, someone is addicted to opiates. There is no physical withdrawal from a pot smoker simply not smoking pot. But people who have addictive tendencies can be addicted to anything. And they won't be helped until they want to be. The reactions to the different drugs (lazy, spaced out or violent, abusive in the case of alcohol) are the drug talking, not him. So in effect you are in a relationship with the drug when he's drunk or high, not him. Since he clearly prioritizes the drug over work, money, family, etc, then it would stand to reason that as long as you are in a relationship with him you will continue to be in a relationship with the drug, as much as in a relationship with him. Edited June 12, 2013 by thatone
Tinie Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Why are you still with this douchebag? Kick him to the curb already and move on to someone more worthwhile.
shexy Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 All the previous posters have given you really good advice - for me, drug use is a deal breaker, and I wouldnt put up with it. Alanon is a GREAT program, and can help you to not be codependent, and to put yourself first. Do you really want him dragging you down? Loving him is one thing, but is he worth trashing your life for? What happens when you're with him, you guys get pulled over and he shoves his bag of pot into your purse? YOU go down with him. Then you could lose your job and end up in legal trouble. I don't think weed is the worst drug in the world, but I see nothing charming about a pothead.
Keenly Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 All I have to say on the subject is that you don't get to be with some one for 3 years and then say "these are the things I don't like about you, and here is what you need to change ." 2
Keke1 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 All I have to say on the subject is that you don't get to be with some one for 3 years and then say "these are the things I don't like about you, and here is what you need to change ." This guy is right. You also encouraged it in the beginning OP. Leave or stay and continue to deal begrudgingly. Those seem like your only options until he WANTS to stop.
scorpio1978 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I absolutely disagree that pot is not addicting. Sure, there are no withdrawal symptoms like other drugs, but one can very easily be addicted to the numbness that come with being stoned. He sounds like my ex! He would get up and smoke week before he even got out of bed, spent 200 on a piece to smoke weed out of and turned into a really nasty, verbally abusive a**hole. I think weed masks a lot of underlying issues. He obviously has a problem this BF of your because he lost a job and has been arrested over this. It's not recreational use at this point and you know it. I too smoked weed with my BF in the beginning but stopped and he never did. Come to find out my guy had a closet cocaine addiction too and cheated on me all the time. Point is, it sound like this guy is going nowhere fast. Do not leave a message with his PO, just get out of there.
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