chuzzbug Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Perhaps the fact that I'm posting this in the Breaks and Breaking Up section speaks volumes. I'm going to rant a little. It's impossible to have a conversation about feelings with my GF (2.5 years). This is been the case from the start. We're in our early 40s. I am open with my feelings, but she is clearly uncomfortable with the landscape of emotion in general. When I express mine, whatever they may be (good, bad, angry or sad) she doesn't respond empathically. She's never held my hand and looked into my eyes and said things like "I'm sorry", "I want to make it better", "Let me help you", "Tell me what's wrong", or whatever the appropriate response is. Obviously this is more difficult when the feelings are of the angry/sad variety than happy ones, because that is when I need an emotional response. As a child her mother was absent, emotionally, so she's learned that feelings are a liability. She's blocked them off. Pretty deep, I think. I don't think having emotional exchanges are a value to her. While she tells me she cares, she doesn't exude this. I sometimes think we are truly from two different worlds. It creates a lot of conflict in the form of disappointment. And this makes me immeasurably sad. After this long, I've lost the ability to tell whether my desire for emotional connection is amplified to an unhealthy degree by her inability to meet it. Thanks for listening. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Communication can be very tricky, especially between people who do it differently. Have you considered writing a letter telling her exactly what you just wrote on LS. Nothing will change if she is unaware of what you need. Also, she may have a hard time expressing herself for fear of being derided or hurt emotionally. I feel your pain and am very sorry that you feel so ignored in your emotional needs. Making the effort to be clear and concise while asking for what you need is the only way to make a difference. If this doesn't work, it may be beneficial to call a relationship counselor who can help mediate your conversations just to make sure both of you are being heard and valued. Good luck, Grumps
Author chuzzbug Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 This has taught me that I cannot last forever in "giving" mode. Early on, I really really tried to understand her by talking about her past and her approach to things (emotional or otherwise). At some point I became very frustrated. We broke up a few times, largely for these very reasons. Each time this happens, we come back to something even less. More strained and thinned out. I believe for her "I'm sorry, I made a mistake" is equivalent to "I'm a bad person". For example, acknowledging that what she said hurt me and apologizing (particularly when I'm crying over it), should be automatic. Hugs now, and sort the logic out later. I never really get the hugs now. Nor the logic later. I think I've been in mourning over this relationship, despite the fact that it's still going. This might be the backward way of doing it. 1
youngnlove89 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Same here OP. My boyfriend has communication problems. His mother was also not there for him emotionally when he was young and complete ignores her to this day. He does not have any relationship with his mother. Does your gf still communicate with hers?
Author chuzzbug Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 She despises her mother. She sees her mother as weak and impotent. Her mother has a long history of mental health instability and is morbidly overweight. So, no, she doesn't have a relationship with her mother. There's obviously a ton of unresolved, and unresolvable, issues there. Someone in another thread posted this list of traits of children of alcoholics. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brew I'm also reminded of Alice Miller's Drama of the Gifted Child, which is an accounting of the effects of having dysfunctional parents. http://www.psych.yorku.ca/eavitzur/documents/Dramaofthegiftedchild.pdf I'm sorry to hear that your BF suffers from this issue. Many days I just wish I had conflict with my partner of what is said, not over the fact that nothing is said.
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