Went on a date with someone i met online, but worried about what my family will think

June 11, 2013

my family is very overprotective of me, especially my older brother (10 years older than me) and dad. Up until now, i have never gone on a date with anyone so this was never a problem, but not it may be.

I made an account with OKCupid, just for fun, to see what kind of guys were out there, and I've gotten a few good responses. I met up with one of the guys last night, and we had a good time, and he wants to do it again. I want to hang out again too. But I'm worried about what my family will think.

About the guy:

pros:

He's taller than me (which i like a lot since i'm 5'9)

He's Chinese (same as me)

He has a full time job and is going to grad school in the fall (Ambitious and driven )

He's very talkative (which is great for me since i'm really shy)

We seem to have a lot in common

Cons:

He has a history of smoking (even though he says he's trying to quit)

He parties a lot

He's about 5 years older than me.

I know my parents would like that he's chinese (since they have a strict asian policy when it comes to dating), but i'm not so sure how they would feel about my meeting him online, or his past history.

I'll be 21 in 3 weeks, but i still live under my parent's roof and commute to school. My parents take care of everything for me, so i don't want to disappoint them. How should i approach this situation, if my relationship with him gets serious?

June 11, 2013

my family is very overprotective of me, especially my older brother (10 years older than me) and dad. Up until now, i have never gone on a date with anyone so this was never a problem, but not it may be.
I made an account with OKCupid, just for fun, to see what kind of guys were out there, and I've gotten a few good responses. I met up with one of the guys last night, and we had a good time, and he wants to do it again. I want to hang out again too. But I'm worried about what my family will think.
About the guy:
pros:
He's taller than me (which i like a lot since i'm 5'9)
He's Chinese (same as me)
He has a full time job and is going to grad school in the fall (Ambitious and driven )
He's very talkative (which is great for me since i'm really shy)
We seem to have a lot in common

Cons:
He has a history of smoking (even though he says he's trying to quit)
He parties a lot
He's about 5 years older than me.

I know my parents would like that he's chinese (since they have a strict asian policy when it comes to dating), but i'm not so sure how they would feel about my meeting him online, or his past history.

I'll be 21 in 3 weeks, but i still live under my parent's roof and commute to school. My parents take care of everything for me, so i don't want to disappoint them. How should i approach this situation, if my relationship with him gets serious?

Your family isn't dating him you're dating him. They will have to accept your choices in men.

June 11, 2013

i'm just worried that they won't approve. Even though i'm starting to like him, they might not, and not let me date him. My family is extremely stubborn. One of my friends was disowned by her parents for dating a guy they didn't approve of. My family is exactly the same way. I don't want that to happen.

June 11, 2013

I'm half Chinese and though my family was not that way at all, we have friends/ family who were so I "get" it. Some Chinese parents can be totally insane. I have one friend who attempted suicide because he went to MIT at 16, graduated when he was 18, but failed to get his PhD before he was 21 so his parents deemed him a failure. He came out of the closet when he was in his mid 20's and they disowned him. Chinese parents are great at instilling some very good core family values, will sacrifice everything for family, but also have insane restrictions that totally clash with many Western values.

At some point you're going to have to choose your own path. Maybe 20 is too early, but you need to start testing the boundaries just a little bit. At some point they are going to have to accept you for who you are and what you want or it's not a relationship worth keeping. Of course let them be the one's that choose that drastic step. You just continue being you. As long as you aren't doing anything illegal or totally extreme, you can have a clean conscience.

June 11, 2013

I think if you really end up liking him you"ll have to weigh out whether they'll object to you lying (keeping the relationship on the DL) more or if they'll dislike him more.

That being said, his history of smoking is history, so it shouldn't matter much. The red flag of partying a lot will be the biggest issue. If they make a big deal out of this, it might be for your own good. Unless you're into partying too, at some point, it may cause an issue (example would be like if you don't want to go or if you feel that your family will disapprove but he goes anyway). Chinese families are notoriously conservative. Partially, I think it's due to fear. They see that the vast majority of their friend's kids behave a certain way and there is peer pressure to "Keep up with the Lee's" if you will. They don't want to be the dysfunctional family.

But Ripnet is right, ultimately, it's your life. Your parents and family will always love you. They just may not accept you at times. You have to know what you want and do it regardless of what others do or say otherwise it builds up lots of resentment. And who knows, they could be wrong. If they are and they see that you're doing well and that you're happy, they'll come around. If he's wrong for you then if a learning experience and you"ll know better next time. Have you ever seen the movie "The Namesake"? I think you'd relate a lot to it.

June 11, 2013

i'm just worried that they won't approve. Even though i'm starting to like him, they might not, and not let me date him. My family is extremely stubborn. One of my friends was disowned by her parents for dating a guy they didn't approve of. My family is exactly the same way. I don't want that to happen.

You won't know for sure until your parents find out. My family was against of my sister's marriage because 14 years of age difference. Yet my parents accepted him.

June 12, 2013

Most parents want what they feel is best for their children and often have very good reasons for coming to the conclusions they do about the people their children choose to date/marry.

Rather than just wave off your parent's objections, you might want to do a little digging around the topic and find out exactly why and how they came to those conclusions.

If you have the kind of parents that are more 'do as I say because I'm the parent', that could be tough...

However, since you are 20 now, you may be surprised that they may be more willing to have an adult conversation with you about these things. You also might try reaching out to another family member who might be more objective.

In other words, they have valuable experience you at least ought to consider before making a choice.

June 12, 2013

i know my family wants what's best for me. But sometimes i feel like their overprotectiveness is too overbearing. My dad even told me "You will not have a bf while under my roof. I forbid it." I hope this works out.

June 12, 2013

i'm sure thats not it. I just think thats my dad's way of being overbearing. He says i'm still too young to have a bf. And he's also using my brother as an example. My brother is 30 and he's getting married next year. Maybe that's why? I'm his little girl, so i don't think he wants me to grow up.

June 12, 2013

hard to say... my brother got engaged really quickly, so maybe he's expecting the same for me, or he would rather prefer it. I don't know how to bring it up with him without setting a bomb off. He got really upset when i told him i didn't want him calling me his pet nickname for me. I can't imagine how he'd react to me wanting to start dating.

June 12, 2013

I think that its 2013 and a lot of people do online dating. Is there really still a negative stigma?

June 12, 2013

I think that its 2013 and a lot of people do online dating. Is there really still a negative stigma?

She lives in 19th century China...

June 12, 2013

my family is very overprotective of me, especially my older brother (10 years older than me) and dad. Up until now, i have never gone on a date with anyone so this was never a problem, but not it may be.
I made an account with OKCupid, just for fun, to see what kind of guys were out there, and I've gotten a few good responses. I met up with one of the guys last night, and we had a good time, and he wants to do it again. I want to hang out again too. But I'm worried about what my family will think.
About the guy:
pros:
He's taller than me (which i like a lot since i'm 5'9)
He's Chinese (same as me)
He has a full time job and is going to grad school in the fall (Ambitious and driven )
He's very talkative (which is great for me since i'm really shy)
We seem to have a lot in common

Cons:
He has a history of smoking (even though he says he's trying to quit)
He parties a lot
He's about 5 years older than me.

I know my parents would like that he's chinese (since they have a strict asian policy when it comes to dating), but i'm not so sure how they would feel about my meeting him online, or his past history.

I'll be 21 in 3 weeks, but i still live under my parent's roof and commute to school. My parents take care of everything for me, so i don't want to disappoint them. How should i approach this situation, if my relationship with him gets serious?

Story of my life. My parents are Russian, born and raised in the Soviet Union, and have lived there for almost all their lives (left after the collapse of USSR). They are so overprotective, it's stifling. They pushed me when I was younger, really really hard (now I spend most of my free time doing extra homework, I'll be graduating with chem honours degree and I'm the top of my class, and I'll be applying to an Ivy League after. And oddly enough they're wondering why I have never dated yet haha!)

My parents have their own idea of who they want me to date. Obvs a Russian guy, or some dude who is like, French or German or something, so I can move there and take my parents there. But the thing is, this is YOUR life. Your parents are trying to live it for you, and I realize that they do that because they actually CARE, but they need to let their children live and breathe a little for themselves.

If you like the guy, date the guy. That's how you get experience. It's not like you're marrying him or something. How do you even know if he's the one until you try? Like I said, this is your life. You make the decisions, and you make the mistakes. Your parents are probably trying to stop you from making the mistakes because they care, but sometimes that's inevitable.

If your parents ask, just mention that atm it's casual and you aren't planning anything big. Make it sound like it's not permanent, like you're getting experience, and perhaps over time your parents will get used to the idea of you dating that guy and they'll get off your case about it.

June 12, 2013

i don't, but my parents do. haha. hard to change their values and opinions.

June 12, 2013

i have before, but my parents didn't like it. They want me at home. I don't know how to break away from them without causing a major blowup, because when i had my own place, my parents and I fought nonstop.

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Went on a date with someone i met online, but worried about what my family will think

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