Imajerk17 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 (edited) A question was asked about real actionable items the struggling fellas can take to increase their attractiveness to women. We can't solve all your problems in one thread but here are some starters... --Take up a martial art. This is an extreme way to develop physical confidence but if you do it, man.... I took a couple of classes in Krav Magda. Intense. --Take up CrossFit. You'll get into amazing shape in a social environment. And you can develop leadership skills cheering on and teaching the newer members. That is like catnip to women. --Take up volunteering. Something to get you beyond your own pain. And givers in this world are far more attractive than takers--which is how ALL of you Struggling Fellas come across whining about your lack to be blunt. --Get a dating coach. There are several out there who will give you honest feedback as to how you are coming across and work on your conversational skills. --Approach, approach, approach! Practice makes perfect. There has been some advice given to hang out in female-centric places such as yoga. I think this advice is something of a mixed bag. It can work. Thing is though, you have to remember that you won't attract a woman by acting like a woman. (I get that this is not what the posters suggesting yoga were advising but there is a danger of guys coming across this way by hanging out at yoga, Lululemon, Weight Watchers (!) ect.) Many women in yoga tend to be leery of guys who join yoga, thinking that they are either trying to meet women or are too metrosexual. Anyway, yoga as a way of meeting women would work best for the guys who look like they don't do yoga (you're doing yoga to recover from your MMA injuries? Awesome!! You'll probably clean up there). Hope this helps.... Edited June 11, 2013 by Imajerk17 5
ThaWholigan Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 This should be a thread full of suggestions IMO. I'll chime in with a few that helped me out last year. 2
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 There are a lot of things to do besides whine. I like going to the gym. I also have Netflix so I like watching shows I never saw or movies I've never heard of. I also have some nice apps on my Kindle, that entertains me. Watching Orioles games, playing tennis with my sister. Going to odd museums or weird places. None of that stuff helps you meet or attract girls though. But, it's fun nonetheless. And that's the most important thing. Way more important than dating and relationships. And yes, I'm serious.... 8
Els Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 None of that stuff helps you meet or attract girls though. But, it's fun nonetheless. And that's the most important thing. Way more important than dating and relationships. And yes, I'm serious.... Actually, very true. I think this suggestion should be stickied, in fact. 3
pteromom Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 - Read self-help books and websites on confidence, positive thinking, living with gratitude, etc. Yeah, some of them will be pop-psychology garbage. But if you can come away with even a few epiphanies that help change your thinking, it's a win. - If you have female friends, talk honestly to them. They know better than strangers on LS what your roadblocks are in dating. Someone isn't going to come out and tell you something negative about yourself unless you ask. So ask. - Focus on that within your control. Yes, society's rules can be unfair. Women can be b!tches and users and manipulators. Great looking tall guys have it easier. But you can't CHANGE any of that, so it is pointless to focus on it. You have to focus on what you can control. Your own image. Your own confidence. Your own choices. Remember that just because the hill you have to climb may be steeper doesn't mean you can't get to the top. It wastes your energy being angry at the guy who was born on the top of the hill and never had to climb at all. 1
straightshooter82 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 There were some good suggestions mentioned in the OP. I would add church as religious differences make relationships difficult if one person feels very strongly about their beliefs. Also, I'm a big fan of running groups and aerobic classes in gyms as I prefer women who are physically fit, and I enjoy working out. This is much better than joining a gym and using their treadmills as all the women I see working out on their own in the gym have headphones and never look like they'd be very receptive to random guys approaching them. I also agree with the op about yoga. I'm getting into yoga as I have an interest in it and am a competitive runner so I have a good reason to do it. But I think it's a bad idea to get into yoga if you're simply looking for a way to meet women. In general, anything that gets you out of the house and doing things you actually enjoy can be a good way to meet a woman. I stress things you enjoy as I was into crossfit in the past and literally every woman in the class was married or dating someone already, but I kept going to class as it was something I enjoyed doing, and you never know when break-ups or divorces will occur. The challenge I have is determining if and when to ask women out on dates. It can be difficult as if the woman rejects you it can create an awkward environment in the group in the future for both of you. But hey, I guess you can say the same about school, work, social circles, etc
Treasa Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 -Stop posting here and start working on liking yourself. 7
CryForNoOne Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Watching Orioles games That's fun for the first time since what 1997??? Yay! 2
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 That's fun for the first time since what 1997??? Yay! I'll have you know that there were two Orioles games that were fun to watch from 1998-2011: the last game of 2011 when we knocked out the Red Sox from the playoffs and July 7, 2007 when Erik Bedard pitched a masterpiece against the Rangers. So, even when we're not winning, some games can be fun.
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 There are a lot of things to do besides whine. I like going to the gym. I also have Netflix so I like watching shows I never saw or movies I've never heard of. I also have some nice apps on my Kindle, that entertains me. Watching Orioles games, playing tennis with my sister. Going to odd museums or weird places. None of that stuff helps you meet or attract girls though. But, it's fun nonetheless. And that's the most important thing. Way more important than dating and relationships. And yes, I'm serious.... Well that is a very nice thought but what if you actually do want to date? So I'm not sure I agree.
CryForNoOne Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I'll have you know that there were two Orioles games that were fun to watch from 1998-2011: the last game of 2011 when we knocked out the Red Sox from the playoffs and July 7, 2007 when Erik Bedard pitched a masterpiece against the Rangers. So, even when we're not winning, some games can be fun. Amen brotha! I'm a East Coast transplant living in So Cal. I think I saved that Red Sox game on my DVR for months and rewatched Crawford trapping that Andino liner at least a dozen times...
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Well that is a very nice thought but what if you actually do want to date? So I'm not sure I agree. Well I want to date, I'm just not willing to undergo the short term pain that's required for long term gain. It's not like working out which has a similar formula (short term pain long term gain) because at least when you go to them gym you can release endorphins that make you feel good. Going up to some girl and talking to her knowing she's probably secretly laughing at you or totally repulsed by you isn't at all the same. So, instead of whining about how the world isn't fair or whatever, do something fun. You'll still die a virgin, but, "if you got to go, go with a smile"...
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Well I want to date, I'm just not willing to undergo the short term pain that's required for long term gain. It's not like working out which has a similar formula (short term pain long term gain) because at least when you go to them gym you can release endorphins that make you feel good. Going up to some girl and talking to her knowing she's probably secretly laughing at you or totally repulsed by you isn't at all the same. So, instead of whining about how the world isn't fair or whatever, do something fun. You'll still die a virgin, but, "if you got to go, go with a smile"... THAT is what you are advocating?? Seriously?? I strongly disagree. You might think being happy staying down is the answer but I don't. I think you should do what you can to get the life you want and this includes dating.
PJKino Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 THAT is what you are advocating?? Seriously?? I strongly disagree. You might think being happy staying down is the answer but I don't. I think you should do what you can to get the life you want and this includes dating. Why is it "staying down" if you learn to be happy not attmepting to try to get a women anymore? Ive found it a much happier place then constant rejection
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 THAT is what you are advocating?? Seriously?? I strongly disagree. You might think being happy staying down is the answer but I don't. I think you should do what you can to get the life you want and this includes dating. I'm advocating that people be the person they feel comfortable being. Within reason of course. I'm not saying people should be obese couch potatoes because it's convenient. Isaac Newton never married or had sex. I think he had a fairly accomplished life. Meanwhile Jeffrey Dahmer had quite a few relationships and he had a much less productive life, at least IMO. So it really depends. Not everyone is going to pair off. You can either tie yourself in knots over it or deal with it... 5
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 For what it's worth, there is this guy in his 20s in my class that obviously only goes to yoga to pick up. He positions himself at the back of the room and then blatantly stares at our butts as we do different positions. It's creepy. 1
AD1980 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I tried im just too sensitive to rejection at this point..I dont care to go through tons more and finally get one yes to a women who i probably wont even be that attracted to. I know some guys here are so deseprate that theyve thrown attraction out the window and will take anyone they click with no matter what they look like, id rather be alone.
PJKino Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 - Focus on that within your control. Yes, society's rules can be unfair. Women can be b!tches and users and manipulators. Great looking tall guys have it easier. But you can't CHANGE any of that, so it is pointless to focus on it. You have to focus on what you can control. Your own image. Your own confidence. Your own choices. Remember that just because the hill you have to climb may be steeper doesn't mean you can't get to the top. It wastes your energy being angry at the guy who was born on the top of the hill and never had to climb at all. Its hard when the person who was born on top of the hill is your best friend who youve heard women complain about how argroant or full of himself he is yet go with him anyway because hes really good looking while im ignored. Contrary to popular belief most women attractions is from their groins reaction to a guy. 1
CryForNoOne Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Well that is a very nice thought but what if you actually do want to date? So I'm not sure I agree. Well it doesn't matter what your interests are. If you enjoy life to near its fullest (I added "near" to not sound too cliche) and are happy with yourself, that is more important than ANY class, hobby, or activity you pickup to "meet chicks". The thing I learned as I got older is that a self confident "nerd" will get laid a lot more than an insecure "jock". Within every nerd herd there is always one who always has a hot girlfriend. Why? Because he's completely comfortable in his own skin - and some women, actually many women find that combination with nerdiness very sexy. I've dabbled in almost every geeky hobby over the years - D&D, comic books, anime, board games, model planes, science fiction, fantasy baseball/football... Some I've outgrown, some I haven't. I used to try to downplay them and was pretty secretive about some of my hobbies with my "cool" friends. Nowadays, I don't care. If anything I go out of my way to express my passion. It's actually shocking how many lawyers, doctors, stock brokers, athletes, actors, bartenders follow my lead and come out of the woodwork sharing their nerd hobbies of the past. Just with almost anything it's 20% what you say, and 80% your attitude, body language, and all things unspoken... I always thought a great Hollywood example of this was one of the main characters in this sleeper comedy I recommend to anyone who had/has geeky hobbies Free Enterprise (1998) - IMDb Just a few weeks ago I took my new GF to Star Trek on opening night. At one point I passionately talked about what an impression Star Trek and Star Wars had on me as a kid - in rather extended detail. She smiled and said "I never knew you were such a nerd!" I could tell she liked me even more after that and the next day she went out of her way to tell what a good time she had that whole night... 3
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 (edited) I will add one point. If you are struggling guy in your 20s (or even younger 30s if you're in a metro area), then go out and do all of the socializing and activities you can and get your swings in. Don't pass up any opportunities. Because when you're over 30 and especially mid 30s, things change drastically. If you're a struggling guy in your 20s and a less naturally social type of person, and you think you have it bad now, oh boy, wait until the pool dries up even further when more than half the women are off the market and your friends aren't helping you anymore because they are married and have kids and younger women have no interest because you are 10 years older than them. Of course, I took my swings in the 20s, and missed on just about all of them, but tangential to the thread really. I would savor having those kinds of chances again. You also need to get in where you fit in. If you are a struggling guy and your buddies are taking you to hot clubs or Vegas to go hit on women, that's not likely to be productive to your ego. I did a little too much of that. If I could go back 10 years with what I know now, I think I could do a little better. Edited June 11, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 (edited) Well, yes, I agree with your advice that you need to embrace who you are. BUT you have to understand that my response was to the particular poster. He decided to take himself out of the dating pool. For all he has going for him (which is a lot), he sadly has given up so to speak on dating. It is what it is. I intended this thread as a "this is how you can improve your dating life". NOT "how you can be happy being an incel". I also gave steps on how guys can improve both their physical and social confidence, which is something many struggling guys lack. Well it doesn't matter what your interests are. If you enjoy life to near its fullest (I added "near" to not sound too cliche) and are happy with yourself, that is more important than ANY class, hobby, or activity you pickup to "meet chicks". The thing I learned as I got older is that a self confident "nerd" will get laid a lot more than an insecure "jock". Within every nerd herd there is always one who always has a hot girlfriend. Why? Because he's completely comfortable in his own skin - and some women, actually many women find that combination with nerdiness very sexy. I've dabbled in almost every geeky hobby over the years - D&D, comic books, anime, board games, model planes, science fiction, fantasy baseball/football... Some I've outgrown, some I haven't. I used to try to downplay them and was pretty secretive about some of my hobbies with my "cool" friends. Nowadays, I don't care. If anything I go out of my way to express my passion. It's actually shocking how many lawyers, doctors, stock brokers, athletes, actors, bartenders follow my lead and come out of the woodwork sharing their nerd hobbies of the past. Just with almost anything it's 20% what you say, and 80% your attitude, body language, and all things unspoken... I always thought a great Hollywood example of this was one of the main characters in this sleeper comedy I recommend to anyone who had/has geeky hobbies Free Enterprise (1998) - IMDb Just a few weeks ago I took my new GF to Star Trek on opening night. At one point I passionately talked about what an impression Star Trek and Star Wars had on me as a kid - in rather extended detail. She smiled and said "I never knew you were such a nerd!" I could tell she liked me even more after that and the next day she went out of her way to tell what a good time she had that whole night... Edited June 11, 2013 by Imajerk17
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I had most of my dating successes AFTER 35. Yes many people marry in their 20s but they divorce in their 30s. And yet they (both genders) date again, even though they are well past the age of 30 or even 40. It's not nearly as grim as you make it sound. I will add one point. If you are struggling guy in your 20s (or even younger 30s if you're in a metro area), then go out and do all of the socializing and activities you can and get your swings in. Don't pass up any opportunities. Because when you're over 30 and especially mid 30s, things change drastically. If you're a struggling guy in your 20s and a less naturally social type of person, and you think you have it bad now, oh boy, wait until the pool dries up even further when more than half the women are off the market and your friends aren't helping you anymore because they are married and have kids and younger women have no interest because you are 10 years older than them. Of course, I took my swings in the 20s, and missed on just about all of them, but tangential to the thread really. I would savor having those kinds of chances again. You also need to get in where you fit in. If you are a struggling guy and your buddies are taking you to hot clubs or Vegas to go hit on women, that's not likely to be productive to your ego. I did a little too much of that. If I could go back 10 years with what I know now, I think I could do a little better.
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I had most of my dating successes AFTER 35. Yes many people marry in their 20s but they divorce in their 30s. And yet they (both genders) date again, even though they are well past the age of 30 or even 40. It's not nearly as grim as you make it sound. Eh, if I get to be 35 without ever kissing a girl, I'm not sure if I'll want to date a divorced woman (who potentially has children). That would just be too much for me, personally. Not a scene I want to be a part of. Though I'm sure I wouldn't turn down a woman who fit that criteria...
Sun Devil Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I dont want to wait until after my prime when I start improving my dating life. Do you think your suggestions would work on a guy in his early 20s?
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I dont want to wait until after my prime when I start improving my dating life. Do you think your suggestions would work on a guy in his early 20s? They would work at least as well for you. Get to it!
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