sarahfort Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 So , we've been dating for 2 1/2 years. It does't happen too often, but every now and then I will catch my boyfriend in a fairly harmless white lie. Except once I've learned about the "white lie" , its not harmless. It's usually something like... He'll tell me he has to be at work until 6pm, and he'll be over after that. And at some point during the day work will let him off early - and he'll go golfing for a few hours. Meanwhile, he's texted me again that work is busy and he'll be over at 6. I found out because he wanted me to read part of a text to his buddy that he met up with to golf, and I read a little more of the messages than he told me to. I immediately accused him of lying and he told me " If I told you I was off early and wanted to go golfing, you would have gotten mad". He doesn't understand that I'm angry about him hiding things and lying - and NOT that he went golfing. I tried explaining that if he is honest about things then I will never be angry - But when he tells stupid white lies to avoid me possibly being upset- THAT makes me angry. And now I feel like he's compromised my trust again. Why do people feel the need to tell white lies?? How can I get him to understand that it ISNT ok for me, and that i won't get mad over the truth ever, And even if i DID get upset about the truth it would pass much much quicker than being upset that he lied. I've tried explaining this several times, and he just keeps doing it. How can I make him realize that while he isnt cheating on me or lying about anything that could harm our relationship - that he is ruining the trust in this relationship and pushing me away. How do I make it clear??? I've tried explaining and giving examples in a non threatening way. I don't understand. I want to try and salvage this if possible, other than this issue, he is great - and I can see him in my future. But not if the little white lies are invited too.
Emilia Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Good question. My mother is a born liar and I never managed to convince her to tell the truth so maybe it's just not possible.
clia Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I immediately accused him of lying and he told me " If I told you I was off early and wanted to go golfing, you would have gotten mad". Why does he think you would have gotten mad? Have you gotten mad in the past over things like this? 1
Author sarahfort Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Never. Golf is part of his profession. And Summer is the busiest. I am aware, and have always been aware, and accepting of this. That is why it's especially frustrating, because he should know that I won't care if he goes for a few hours - ive told him a million times that I encourage him to get in the extra practice whenever he has the time for it!
Author sarahfort Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I guess I feel disrespected and like I don't mean anything. He tells me he loves me very much and often... He has told me I am the love of his life. Sometimes I just feel convenient.
jphcbpa Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I guess I feel disrespected and like I don't mean anything. He tells me he loves me very much and often... He has told me I am the love of his life. Sometimes I just feel convenient. maybe there are some underlying feelings that are in play here...this has nothing to do with golf. try to explore why you are really upset and why this is triggering you. and no, I am not condoning his behavior.
MidwestUSA Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 If he's texting you while golfing, saying that work is "still busy", I, personally, consider that a little more than a white lie. But, as someone else questioned, why does he think you would be mad if he told the truth?
Treasa Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I do agree with the others, but it's possible that he could be gaslighting you. I had a boyfriend do this to me without me ever getting mad at him for doing the things he lied about. And he would even occasionally say, "I never see my friends because of you." Mind you, we saw each other ONCE a week for four hours total, and we talked most nights right before he'd go to bed (he called me, not the other way around). The rest of the time he was free to do whatever the hell he wanted. I even asked him, "How is that my fault??" And he didn't have an answer. I really don't like it when people lie, and I don't think I could date someone who lies. I'm a pretty reasonable person.
Author sarahfort Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I just used golf as an example. It was his most recent white lie. It has happened before and I always explain to him that I wouldn't have been angry. The only reason I get upset is that he lied - and it kind of chips away at my trust for him. I always tell him honesty is the most important thing in a relationship for me - I promise to always understand if he tells the truth. We are both 23. I was in a highschool relationship for 4 years which ended with lies lies and more lies . On both my part and on his. So you can understand why honesty is so important to me.
Author sarahfort Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I really don't like it when people lie, and I don't think I could date someone who lies. I'm a pretty reasonable person. I too, consider myself extremely reasonable. I love him, and respect his space and need for outside interests. So why hide things and create problems with pointless lies. I don't know how to explain why this is unacceptable and I don't want to seem threatening or controlling with an ultimatum... But I cannot be with someone who continues to think this is ok.
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I would be pissed, and if my guy didnt show he thought it was wrong I would be even more pissed. The sad thing is that if he doesn't get it now, he probably won't later. 1
Author sarahfort Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Oh he always feels bad. But again with the respect issue, I feel disrespected because he knows it bothers me and puts a strain on the relationship - and yet he will do it every now and then. Thing will always be great for months and then I'll get that "nagging feeling" that he isnt being totally honest, and If i look into it or ask enough questions the truth ( although harmless) will come out. I am not a doormat. And I will leave him if I have to because I love myself more. That is what I want to tell him but I am not sure how to - I feel like an ultimatum is never a way to solve anything.
ddlovexx Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I went through this with my ex. Stupid little white lies about things I didn't really care about, but they eventually progressed into bigger lies, and gambling. I would talk to him about it and if it doesn't change, you have to figure out if it's worth it. As terrible as my breakup was (he left me for another girl, hello more lies) I am relieved that I am done wondering and dealing with the BS lies from the relationship. It's liberating. You don't lie to the person you're with.
KathyM Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Sounds like this is pretty engrained in this guy. Lying to avoid conflict, to shape your opinion of him, to avoid having to discuss things. That's pretty much a red flag IMO if he habitually lies to you and doesn't see the harm in that, and doesn't think there is anything wrong with that. A relationship with that kind of a guy is going to be difficult, because there will be big blow ups and lost trust when you find out you've been lied to. The lies will likely be concerning both big things and small things. Men who are conflict avoidant and use lies to shape or control their relationship do not make good relationship partners, and you will have a hard time trusting him on anything. I would walk away from this dude if I were you. Honesty and trust are the most important things in a relationship. Someone who doesn't value honesty and trust is pretty difficult to have a good relationship with for the long term. 1
Author sarahfort Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Anyone know how to kindly disguise an ultimatum? What I want to say is : I don't deserve to be lied to. I know my value. I know what I want. Lying of any form is not acceptable so If you really do love me the way you say you do, then please make a better effort to prove it to me with honesty and trust in ME that i will be accepting and understanding of ANY situation IF it has been approached honestly. If this isn't something you cant do- then I need to be with someone who shows me the respect I deserve. Actually no what I REALLY feel like saying is What the ****. how dare you and knock it off for good or else I'm gone for good. Choose. Lies OR Me. Thats a little rough around the edges. 1
amaysngrace Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Anyone know how to kindly disguise an ultimatum? What I want to say is : I don't deserve to be lied to. I know my value. I know what I want. Lying of any form is not acceptable so If you really do love me the way you say you do, then please make a better effort to prove it to me with honesty and trust in ME that i will be accepting and understanding of ANY situation IF it has been approached honestly. If this isn't something you cant do- then I need to be with someone who shows me the respect I deserve. Actually no what I REALLY feel like saying is What the ****. how dare you and knock it off for good or else I'm gone for good. Choose. Lies OR Me. Thats a little rough around the edges. I actually like it. It's what I would say. Here's the thing...he may always lie if its in his best interest to do so. Doesn't that scare the crap out of you?
FitChick Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 A guy once told me he was going out for the evening so couldn't see me. It turned out he wanted to work (he was an creative entrepreneur who worked from home). Just the opposite of the usual scenario. I did wind up going over to his place anyway, bringing dinner, after the truth came out. I think he was a bit ashamed that he was a workaholic with no social life. I prioritize lies. If he had said he was single but was actually married, that's a whole different thing. Who was it that said, "There are lies and then there are damned lies"?
Recommended Posts