Beastie Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Hi everyone, first of I want to say hi, I'm new here:bunny: I want to see other people's view on this. When you are out with your partner, do you show affection to them in public? (I don't mean a hug, a kiss on the cheek etc.) I mean do you have a problem smooching say in a club, or showing everyone how crazy in love you are when you see them? Do you think it's inappropriate? Is there a stage in a relationship where this starts to be okay/not okay? I am just wondering because I've never had a problem with it, in fact I love displaying my feelings ''out loud'' and don't really care what someone might think and all my ex's were okay with it except for the guy I'm seeing now. He seems to think that it's immature and he feels that it's somehow inappropriate (he never actually explained this to me). I am a very passionate and affectionate person and can't hold it in, but it looks like it's really bothering him. One night when we were out he even sort of pushed me away when I tried to kiss him. I am very confused about this and don't know what to think, I feel pretty disappointed in the whole seeing him situation but I'm still giving him chances to maybe open up more..? I don't know. He doesn't have a problem with it when we're alone, but when we're out all I get is a quick kiss when he meets me and when we depart. I am starting to see this as a problem, so I wanted to know what other people thought about this. What could be the reason? The only one I can think of is that he is not comfortable being seen with me. I really really hope that's not the case, but I can't find out as he just doesn't have a good enough explanation.
will1988 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I don't think it has to do with him being uncomfortable being seen dating you in public, it may be, but i doubt it. It probably has to do more with the fact of his upbringing. Maybe he thinks that making out and other forms of PDA should be left in the house. Even if he doesn't think that way, he could still be hard wired that way because of how he was raised. I was raised in an intellectual but conservative family. Although I see myself as a bit more liberal than my family I am just not in to PDA. I love my fiance very much, but making out in public for the whole world to see, is not desirable for me. Thankfully, my fiance is a Southern Belle type of a woman, so she is not overly in to PDA either. Neither of us are proodish or puritanical at all, especially behind closed doors... anything goes. However, when we are in public we will hold hands when out in about, hug a little, give her a quick kiss on the cheek or on the lips, but that is as far as it goes. sometimes I may want to feel her ass or breasts in public, but she gets really embarassed when I try doing that. In return she will try to grab my junk in public, and in turn I am equally as embarassed... so now, we don't do that. I've never been one to want to have sex on a park bench or grope my fiance on the metro train. That is not my thing, nor is it hers. Now, if other couples want to do all of that stuff, personally I don't care, as long as it isn't distracting me in a bad way from something (now if it is two hot lesbians making out and practically screwing each other, than by all means ladies continue! lol). So long answer short, it might not be your boy friend's thing. He may honestly just not like PDA. He be embarassed by it. He may just have been brought up conservatively. Who knows? I would not push it too much though. Now if it is something you must have in a relationship, then you need to decide whether or not to leave him or stick with him and put up with it. No use in trying to change the guy. 1
sweetkiwi Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 He's not compatible with you. But you'll probably stick around a while longer till **** gets really bad then realize he'll never change. PRO TIP: don't attempt to change the next ones either. 2
KathyM Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, and if PDA are so important for you, that it must be done. Personally, I have always engaged in PDA with my husband, starting from when we first started dating, but they were within reason. Holding hands, hugging, non-sexual touching, kissing. But, of course, we don't subject strangers to the more heavy stuff, since that not only might be offensive to them, but would be too intimate to enjoy while strangers are watching. I would suggest telling your boyfriend that you have a hard time containing your love and affection for him when you are out with him, and so you don't see the harm in being affectionate with him in public. Maybe he would be willing to be more affectionate if he knew it was this important to you. Maybe it's a matter of helping him to get over his fear and embarrassment, and you can do that in small but graduating steps until his comfort level is increased. I would suggest leaving the more heavy stuff, though, for your private time with him, since a lot of people are not interested in seeing strangers groping each other or swallowing each other's tongues in public.
Author Beastie Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I don't think it has to do with him being uncomfortable being seen dating you in public, it may be, but i doubt it. It probably has to do more with the fact of his upbringing. Maybe he thinks that making out and other forms of PDA should be left in the house. Even if he doesn't think that way, he could still be hard wired that way because of how he was raised. I was raised in an intellectual but conservative family. Although I see myself as a bit more liberal than my family I am just not in to PDA. I love my fiance very much, but making out in public for the whole world to see, is not desirable for me. Thankfully, my fiance is a Southern Belle type of a woman, so she is not overly in to PDA either. Neither of us are proodish or puritanical at all, especially behind closed doors... anything goes. However, when we are in public we will hold hands when out in about, hug a little, give her a quick kiss on the cheek or on the lips, but that is as far as it goes. sometimes I may want to feel her ass or breasts in public, but she gets really embarassed when I try doing that. In return she will try to grab my junk in public, and in turn I am equally as embarassed... so now, we don't do that. I've never been one to want to have sex on a park bench or grope my fiance on the metro train. That is not my thing, nor is it hers. Now, if other couples want to do all of that stuff, personally I don't care, as long as it isn't distracting me in a bad way from something (now if it is two hot lesbians making out and practically screwing each other, than by all means ladies continue! lol). So long answer short, it might not be your boy friend's thing. He may honestly just not like PDA. He be embarassed by it. He may just have been brought up conservatively. Who knows? I would not push it too much though. Now if it is something you must have in a relationship, then you need to decide whether or not to leave him or stick with him and put up with it. No use in trying to change the guy. this actually makes sense, as he does show some signs of conservative upbringing in his behavior. I guess I just neglected that option and quickly assumed the worst. It's not the most important thing to me, I was just wondering as I genuinely couldn't understand the reasons behind it, I'm very liberal and open minded so I'm not bothered by seeing others show PDA either. 1
clia Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Although I'm not into PDA at all, I don't have any problem with hand holding, quick pecks on the cheek or lips, hugs, etc. when others do that in public. But it sounds like you want to go beyond that -- what exactly are you talking about doing in public? I personally find it immature and kind of gross to see other people hard core making out, french kissing, feeling each other up, and all over each other in public. The phrase "get a room" comes to mind. 1
Author Beastie Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I would suggest leaving the more heavy stuff, though, for your private time with him, since a lot of people are not interested in seeing strangers groping each other or swallowing each other's tongues in public. Of course there are things that need to stay private, between two people and no one else. I am not remotely interested in showing anything sexual in public, just talking about sheer affection for one another
meeji Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I don't mind holding hands or touches, hugging ect but full on smooching in public makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel more intimate moments like that aren't really for everyone to see. Some people would have sex in the middle of a crowd if they wouldn't get arrested for it. Just liike I don't expect my friends to have fights in public, I don't expect them to share there private moments with the whole world. Everyone is different. If you feel rejected, the above commenter is probably right. It is a compatability issue. 1
tricolors Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I think people just probably have different levels of comfort with this sort of thing. Some kissing is okay with me in public as long as it's in at least a slightly out of the way area. I wouldn't chalk it up to him not wanting to be seen with you, some people just aren't into it, I've had girlfriends in the past who hated even a minor kiss anywhere in public. The woman I'm with right now is into PDA more than anyone I've dated before, but it's still subdued enough, and I enjoy it. We hold hands a lot while walking, after dinner while sitting at a table, once while drinking wine at a hotel bar...that's the innocuous part. We kissed in front of a road overlooking a bay at a small airport a couple of weeks ago, eliciting a car honking at us as it drove by (which I thought was funny.) We then later, when it was dark outside (and this was a really small parking lot that I'm sure no one else was outside, but it was still a very public space) proceeded to full-on make out for a solid five minutes or more. She's grabbed me for a kiss a few times in front of our vehicles as we're about to leave somewhere, innocuous enough, again, but she keeps me close for more than just a lingering kiss (15 or 20 seconds.) Again, these are all "out of the way" areas, so I feel it's acceptable. No ass grabbing or anything like that, though.
KathyM Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Of course there are things that need to stay private, between two people and no one else. I am not remotely interested in showing anything sexual in public, just talking about sheer affection for one another So you just want him to be naturally affectionate in public, but nothing too sexual. That's understandable. All I can suggest is that you communicate to him how important it is to you that he not try to stifle your affection, and he allows you to express your affection openly, and that you enjoy being affectionate to him. And then tell him you want to help him get over his reservations about it, so you are going to be affectionate with him in public until he's comfortable with it. Then engage him in public. He will eventually get over his fear/embarrassment the more you do it. He just needs your help in feeling more comfortable with it. 2
yessy21 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I can understand why you would think that. I honestly do not see anything wrong with public display of affection as long as your not straddling someone in front of a large group... then ill just think your an attention whore.... there goes my A.D.D again giving me a visual.... back to my opinion.... like i said... there is nothing wrong with that. He might be a very shy, conservative man. He was raised in a different enviorment than you and his personality and brain have a completley different wiring system that all of us. I dont think its immature at all. Maybe your in two different pages... the truth is if you dont overcome this... you will start seeking that affection somewhere else. 2
will1988 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I can understand why you would think that. I honestly do not see anything wrong with public display of affection as long as your not straddling someone in front of a large group... then ill just think your an attention whore.... there goes my A.D.D again giving me a visual.... back to my opinion.... like i said... there is nothing wrong with that. He might be a very shy, conservative man. He was raised in a different enviorment than you and his personality and brain have a completley different wiring system that all of us. I dont think its immature at all. Maybe your in two different pages... the truth is if you dont overcome this... you will start seeking that affection somewhere else. I stated a similar opinion earlier. I am a liberal, at least socially. However, like I pointed out and like the above commenter pointed out, I'm not in to PDA... then again I'm not really in to making out too much either, in to every thing else, and I mean it... but I dunno. I was brought up to always be on your best behavior in public, and act like you are being judge or watched. I know that is a crazy half-truth... and I've gotten over it. But it is engrained in my psychy. So when my fiance and I are out and about, sure I will hold her hand for a bit, sure I will give her the occasional peck on the cheek or kiss on the lips. But anything more and I feel like the whole damned world has its eyes focused on my relationship. So it becomes embarassing. So for me, I was engrained to do my sexual stuff behind closed doors and to always act like everyone is judging you while in public. The OP's BF is probably the same way. 1
Els Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I don't see why you need to show the public your tonguing skills to show how 'crazy in love' you are with someone. Straight-out PDA is really just unappealing to me. Holding hands, hugging, etc, is fine. Watching that girl try to reach her bf's tonsils with her tongue while groping him... not so fine. On the other hand, semi-hidden sexuality is all good. Fun in the car, vibe underneath, go for it. But when it's ALL just out on the open... bleh. Kinda like the difference between wearing a slightly low-cut blouse, or just letting your boobs hang out in the open, if you get my drift.
yessy21 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Yes i was put out to be the same way. Ill get very red on the face. My AP were very strict when it came to behavior and public persona. I mean for goodness sake i made sure that i was over 18 to get pregnant because i was embarrassed in regards to respect towards them. that should tell you all.
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