:o/

[frumpymummy]

Came across this forum while desperately searching the internet for someone to talk to for advice. This is a long story .....

 

My husband and I have been married for almost 27 years, at the beginning of our marriage he cheated on me, not just once but quite a few times. Because I loved him I forgave him each time and after a while he began to settle down. Everything was fine for around 11 years until I fell pregnant with out youngest child. Because of complications with the pregnancy I had to have a long stay in hospital which left the hubby at home coping with two young children and work. Work started being funny with him which led to him being diagnosed as having stress/depression. After our baby was born I was put through so much having to cope with a small baby & looking after a depressed husband who was so depressed I was almost afraid to sleep at night in case he wasn't there when I woke up in the morning. After a change of job everything seemed to pick up he got back to his old cheery self & life was good... Until about 5 years ago, another change of job, another boss who was a bully who made accusations that led to my hubby being suspended & investigated by CID (investigation concluded there was no case to prove & hubby returned to work, his boss later 'retired'). This led him to spiral back into his depressive state again, so badly so that he very nearly came to committing suicide. This period of depression has lasted 5 years, throughout that time I have been there supporting him through his illness. I've put my life on hold to focus all my attention on him. We lost all our friends because he didn't like being around people, we had no social life because he didn't want to go out, some days it took all of my time just to get him out of bed and when he did get up we'd be continuously walking around on egg shells for fear of upsetting him or making him angry (don't get me wrong he's never been violent but when angry he can say some very hurtful things). But I never once complained or thought of leaving him because I loved him and wanted to be there for him. Last year the Dr altered his medication & things began to improve, then at Christmas he suddenly made the decision that he didnt want to be depressed any more & would try his hardest with the help of therapy to get back to his old self, which I was very proud of him for making that decision.

 

My problem now is. ...... he uses facebook a lot & came across what he calls 'an old friend' (female) but to be honest she was just someone he briefly met through work over 15 years ago. Since then she has become his best friend, he not only talks to her on facebook but texts he numerous times every day... I know they're just friends and there's nothing more to it, she's happily married (or so he tells me) but the problem I have is that where as he used to talk things over with me if anything was making him feel down he now turns to her for support & advice, he even refers to her as his second wife. He's made me feel as though even after everything I've been through with him over the last 27 years that I'm no longer needed except for washing, cooking and housework. I've tried discussing this with him last week how I feel and I was more or less told put up with him talking to her every day or it's over. And by texting her it's not just the odd text it's 20 or more texts a day!I tried telling him that he makes her out to be such a saint when I've been there for years giving him support that she's only been giving for a few months & that I have to live with it 24/7 whereas she can switch off after the texts he said he'd give me a bit more consideration in future but the first thing he said when he came in from work was 'I've had such a laugh today with ******' making me feel unwanted again as I'd sent him numerous texts that he hadn't answered yesterday but he'd been able to answer hers. .... Anyway since then I've since found out that she's not the only one he's been texting, whenever he adds a female friend on facebook it's not long before he's got their mobile number & he's texting them too. I know he wouldn't stray again and I know he loves me, he tells me and eveyone else who will listen to him, but I just feel very uncomfortable with discussing our private lives with others rather than discussing it with me... I feel so useless and have spent the last few days while he's been at work in tears. I love him to bits but I don't like what he's become. When I tried discussing it with him he couldn't see he had done anything wrong, he even tried to turn the blame onto me saying it was my fault we don't have a social life or real life friends which is why he turns to his online ones. I just don't know what to do any more, I don't really want to end our marriage after 27 years but I know I can't continue like this anymore, it's already effecting my health, I can't eat and can feel myself slipping into the depths of depression, which after seeing him suffer for so long I don't want it to happen to me & put our kids through that again.

[PoopHappens]

FM, I feel for you. Referring to another woman "friend" as his second wife as if this it's some common salutation is so very callous. I don't think my wife ever strayed on me in the 25 odd years we were married until the day she told me she would never stray on me and that the friendship was required to do activities with since my injuries and illnesses were keeping me inactive. The long story is that it was load of malarkey.

You're an angel, or least a darn fine wife saddled with a tough situation. From your story I see a man with underlying self esteem issues. The depression being a symptom of that problem. Saying to you he wants to end his depression is obvious, who want to be depressed, but he will have to go after the root causes and that won't be easy.

[frumpymummy]

You're right that he has self esteem issues, whatever he does he never sees it as being 'good enough' which is part of his problem. Lately it's as though he needs the attention & compliments from other women to feed his ego & boost his self esteem, as if he's going through a mid-life crisis... I suggested this to him last week when we had it out which didn't go down too well.

 

The root of his depression we've only just discovered recently and funnily enough it was through my determination & speaking to his sister that he hasn't' seen since she emigrated 30 years ago. His parents split up when he was very young because his dad used to beat his mother. All four kids stayed with their dad but him being the youngest and their dad was in full time work he was pushed between sisters, grannies & aunties for most of his life. His mother, who suffered depression, committed suicide when he was about 10 years old, since that day non of the family would talk about his mother & it's only recently since I started researching our family history that he has found things out about his childhood that he never knew, his brother & sister who still live locally refused to tell him anything.

 

I don't see myself as an angel... I just see myself as doing what any other wife would do .... as the saying goes 'in sickness as in health' ... his mental health problems I could deal with but what as I see as his betrayal of me I can't deal with.

[aMguilts]

hi frumpy

 

sorry for what you are going though

 

i admire you for your loyalty in your marriage:)

 

but you know that he will never change don`t you?

as long as you put up with it, he wont change

 

aM

[frumpymummy]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Well I had it out with him a couple of nights ago and told him exactly how I feel but it just doesn't seem to have sunk in how much him texting this other woman affects me. Don't get me wrong, I know there's nothing going on between them, I know he's not cheating .. that way I trust him completely. What does bother me is the amount of time he spends texting her, it's every day and it's sometimes 20 or more texts per day ... I'm lucky if he texts me once! It hurts that whenever he's feeling down he no longer confides in me but turns to her instead. Anyway after having it all out with him the other night he said he would try harder to make me feel more appreciated .... yeah right ...as if continuing to text her numerous times per day is making me feel appreciated. I just don't know what to do anymore, I've tried talking to him & that hasn't worked. I do love him with all my heart and the last thing I want is for us to split up but to be honest I think if I had some money behind me & wouldn't feel so guilty about leaving him with out debts I'd be gone, I think I'd be much happier by myself. But I'll give it yet another chance, I'm a sucker for love,and see what happens. I don't even think this other woman knows just how much upset their relationship is causing, she knows we've been on rocky ground lately & that it almost caused us to split but she doesn't know that she played a major part in our problems he'd have kept that from her.

[latergater]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Well I had it out with him a couple of nights ago and told him exactly how I feel but it just doesn't seem to have sunk in how much him texting this other woman affects me. Don't get me wrong, I know there's nothing going on between them, I know he's not cheating .. that way I trust him completely. What does bother me is the amount of time he spends texting her, it's every day and it's sometimes 20 or more texts per day ... I'm lucky if he texts me once! It hurts that whenever he's feeling down he no longer confides in me but turns to her instead. Anyway after having it all out with him the other night he said he would try harder to make me feel more appreciated .... yeah right ...as if continuing to text her numerous times per day is making me feel appreciated. I just don't know what to do anymore, I've tried talking to him & that hasn't worked. I do love him with all my heart and the last thing I want is for us to split up but to be honest I think if I had some money behind me & wouldn't feel so guilty about leaving him with out debts I'd be gone, I think I'd be much happier by myself. But I'll give it yet another chance, I'm a sucker for love,and see what happens. I don't even think this other woman knows just how much upset their relationship is causing, she knows we've been on rocky ground lately & that it almost caused us to split but she doesn't know that she played a major part in our problems he'd have kept that from her.

 

You're his wife. She isn't. If the constant texting etc. between them is a problem for you, it should BE a problem for him. If the communications are as frequent as you say, and its causing you angst, it needs to stop. He needs to put an end to it. Period.

 

Why? Because SHE is not his wife. You are. Your emotions ..your needs come first!

 

If he refuses to do as you say and refuses to back down, there is most likely a reason why. I'd certainly want to know what that reason was. Good luck.

[TaraMaiden]

I think a poster's name reveals a lot about what they think of themselves.....

 

 

Sadly, frumpymummy, I think your self-esteem has taken a huge knock as well.

You feel belittled and intimidated by the fact your H seeks intellectual stimulation elsewhere, from other women.

 

Let me put this bluntly:

 

He IS cheating on you.

 

No question.

he is having an Emotional Affair with this woman, and he's doing it right under your nose.

 

And you keep putting up with it 'because you love him.'

 

THis bit, is utterly ridiculous.

 

I had to read it twice to make sure I wasn't imagining it, in fact....

 

But I'll give it yet another chance, I'm a sucker for love,and see what happens.

 

So it seems you're prepared to lie like a doormat, have him tread roughshod over your loyalty, integrity and emotions, and carry on doing exactly what he wants to do because "You're a sucker for Love"....?

 

At the risk of shocking you - this isn't love.

It's a needy dependency.

You've stated that if it weren't for money, you'd probably leave.

 

Well?

Leave.

Contact your family and tell them you need some shelter for a while, to sort your mind out.

 

Go.

Let him chase you:

And when he does (and he will) then you start laying down some stiff ground rules:

 

Deletes his FB account.

Ceases texting this woman, immediately.

Hands over his phone and lets you see everything on it.

Agrees to Counselling and attends MC with you, no arguments.

 

I think then it will be appropriate to say "We'll see what happens" because trust me - only then, will anything positive, happen.

 

If you really want to dedicate more of your life to this man, then YOU have to MAKE something happen.

 

Otherwise, we can all tell you precisely what will happen.

 

Lather, rinse - repeat.