ses Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 There's a reason why my closest guy friend is gay. A boundary has already been established and it's incredibly reassuring. I fell hard for one of my best friends when I was 19 so I realize that "being friends" with the opposite sex can be a challenge, especially if you feel unfulfilled in some aspect. I would definitely minimize contact with your guy friend and focus on your boyfriend. No relationship is perfect, so take the time to reassess the state of things. I'm glad you acknowledge your attraction to him because it does demonstrate that your heart is in in the right place. Don't let this attraction get away from you. End it now and talk things over with your man. Best wishes! 1
Author TiffanyNychole Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Okay good. I wanted to ensure that there was sufficient equity in the relationship, before providing any advice. Now that you've provided sufficient information, chalk me up to the once a week or if time doesn't permit, biweekly date night idea. There's relaxing into a relationship and then there's complete boredom where all sense of romance is lost in mundanity. You're right. I think we just kinda have fallen into a pattern, that might I mention I'm not liking. We don't go out on dates anymore. Our time together consist of us laying in bed watching tv together at night.
Author TiffanyNychole Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 OK, he is doing way too much. It looks like you barely see him and it's no wonder you're developing feelings for somebody who gives you attention. You have to somehow convey to him that you need to spend more time together. I completely agree. We have no time to spend with each other anymore bc he's always working, and when he's not either I'm busy or he's too tired to do anything.
Author TiffanyNychole Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 There's a reason why my closest guy friend is gay. A boundary has already been established and it's incredibly reassuring. I fell hard for one of my best friends when I was 19 so I realize that "being friends" with the opposite sex can be a challenge, especially if you feel unfulfilled in some aspect. I would definitely minimize contact with your guy friend and focus on your boyfriend. No relationship is perfect, so take the time to reassess the state of things. I'm glad you acknowledge your attraction to him because it does demonstrate that your heart is in in the right place. Don't let this attraction get away from you. End it now and talk things over with your man. Best wishes! Thank you so much (: I already ended the flirtation with my guy friend...I told him I still wanted to be friends just we didn't need to be texting each other as much and didn't need to be spending so much time together. I'm hoping to be able to talk to my boyfriend tonight about our relationship and us spending more time together 2
electricjw Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Nothing has seemed to happen yet, other than just flirting. If you take it no further than this, you should be good. If you dont' want to do that, I wouldn't talk to him for a while. Also it does sound like you got a great bf, who is help paying your family bills, and is working 2 jobs. Working 1 job can be hard enough, but working 2 is a lot. You said he sleeps inbetween jobs, so you know that he must be exhausted, which is why yall are always laying on the couch/bed watchin tv. Since he got a good job, as you said, maybe he can even quit 1 job and be able to spend more time with you and not be exhausted all the time. Also do you work, is it full time? It also seems like you want to do stuff, so the date thing will probably hellp out, but dont force it (all the time) b/c he might need a day off from work to rest.
Author TiffanyNychole Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Nothing has seemed to happen yet, other than just flirting. If you take it no further than this, you should be good. If you dont' want to do that, I wouldn't talk to him for a while. Also it does sound like you got a great bf, who is help paying your family bills, and is working 2 jobs. Working 1 job can be hard enough, but working 2 is a lot. You said he sleeps inbetween jobs, so you know that he must be exhausted, which is why yall are always laying on the couch/bed watchin tv. Since he got a good job, as you said, maybe he can even quit 1 job and be able to spend more time with you and not be exhausted all the time. Also do you work, is it full time? It also seems like you want to do stuff, so the date thing will probably hellp out, but dont force it (all the time) b/c he might need a day off from work to rest. I do work. It's full time while I'm out of school. I understand the whole not being exhausted between having the two jobs. I just wish he would realize he doesn't need 2 jobs. I know he enjoys the extra money bc it's there in case we ever want to do something...but yea it's there, but we never have time to do anything
Aerrie Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 This is what happens when you are "best friends" with the opposite sex.
Mrlonelyone Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 This is what happens when you are "best friends" with the opposite sex. Ideally ones best opposite sex friend, hell, one's best friend period would be the SO. The thing is, if that is not true, does it mean swear off opposite sex friends, indeed all friends, to ensure a SO is that best friend? I don't think so. If one's SO honestly isn't their best dearest friend (as well as their passionate sexual lover) ... then they are in the wrong relationship. Passions fade, honeymoons end. The word for it is limerence. It is a well known false form of love which, young adults in particular, mistake for the real thing. It feels so strong, so addictive, so powerful. (I know it well). Now, Limerence can transition to real lasting love. It often does, as often as it does not. However it is not the same thing as love. Nor is it necessary that Limerence must come before love. I want to hilite a couple things for you. False Forms of Love: Limerence and Its Alluring Lies | What is Love, Dr. Cookerly? The Science of Being Love Sick - Relationships and Limerence - Oprah.com "You won't have withdrawal symptoms," says Dorothy Tennov, PhD, author of the groundbreaking 1979 book Love and Limerence and the woman who originated the term. "And 18 months sounds short to me. If the limerence is requited, it can last up to three years. But you won't wake up nonlimerent on your anniversary. It's a gradual decline." Helen Fisher, PhD, the author of Anatomy of Love, gives it two years. "Two, maybe three. During this stage, what I call infatuation, you experience increases of norepinephrine and dopamine levels in the brain and of testosterone, too, since lust is involved," she says. "When you move into the attachment stage, where you see an increase of vasopressin and oxytocin, the other hormones return to normal. The bottom line of my advice is this. He has time which he isn't spending with you like he used to. You have an emotional need for that time. Try asking him for it. It may just be that you and him are over the limerance stage and onto the stage where you need to make real choices, with a clear mind, and a well formed idea of who each of you are and who you are as a couple.
Author TiffanyNychole Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Ideally ones best opposite sex friend, hell, one's best friend period would be the SO. The thing is, if that is not true, does it mean swear off opposite sex friends, indeed all friends, to ensure a SO is that best friend? I don't think so. If one's SO honestly isn't their best dearest friend (as well as their passionate sexual lover) ... then they are in the wrong relationship. Passions fade, honeymoons end. The word for it is limerence. It is a well known false form of love which, young adults in particular, mistake for the real thing. It feels so strong, so addictive, so powerful. (I know it well). Now, Limerence can transition to real lasting love. It often does, as often as it does not. However it is not the same thing as love. Nor is it necessary that Limerence must come before love. I want to hilite a couple things for you. False Forms of Love: Limerence and Its Alluring Lies | What is Love, Dr. Cookerly? The Science of Being Love Sick - Relationships and Limerence - Oprah.com The bottom line of my advice is this. He has time which he isn't spending with you like he used to. You have an emotional need for that time. Try asking him for it. It may just be that you and him are over the limerance stage and onto the stage where you need to make real choices, with a clear mind, and a well formed idea of who each of you are and who you are as a couple. Thank you so much. I think we may have things worked out now.
Teknoe Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Tiffany, check out some my started threads. I am in a similar situation. I am a single guy. I have developed a friendship with a girl currently in a relationship, but we've been hanging out 1 on 1 a lot lately. The difference is, she openly admits that her BF is a bit weird/funky/semi-crappy (in so many words). Therefore, she seems open, but I haven't confessed my interest in her yet. However, I think she knows, and has known for a while now. Girls are not dumb. Yet she's spending time with me, and I think for now, I'm just going to let it develop naturally, while keeping my eyes open for single girls. I do feel slightly guilty that I'm hanging out with a taken girl so much, but the fact that he treats her crappy gives me the justification to go ahead and see her. We don't come close to being physical. We don't even hug. Our friendship is just talking heads. We love to talk and share. She might be using me for emotional support that she doesn't get from her BF. I have to be careful about that, but truth is, part of me is using her too, for her own emotional support. I just don't get the physical to go along with it. Anyway, dunno if this helps at all or not. Communication is key and you should hash out issues with your BF before they snowball any further.
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