Developing crush on my guy friend, but I have a boyfriend

June 11, 2013

I'm sorry if that was confusing, but basically I have been dating this guy for almost 3 years...we started dating our freshman year of college. We met in high school. Everything is great, I have a promise ring, we have been living together for about a year and a half, he's great, he just got a really good job. He really is a great guy, my dad lost his job a year ago and they have had some issues paying bills and he helps them out...he knows he doesn't have to, but does it anyways. He trust me and loves me unconditionally. Would do anything for me, if I need something...or just want it he will go get it for me.

Our relationship was kinda rocky at first, but it isn't now. Besides the fact that he works almost all the time and is almost always tired when he gets home and goes to bed...which I understand, bc he has a second job too. That one is at night. He use to do it all the time, but it was getting too much for him so he took less hours. So now he doesn't do it everynight

Anyways on to the crush. Me and this guy have been friends for about a year or two now. We became really close. He's almost the only guy friend I have left...the rest of them don't talk to me, bc I have a boyfriend. I always thought he was really sweet and kind of cute, but never thought anything of it...until recently, We we've been talking a lot the past week. He always text me, he even stayed up with me last night bc I couldn't sleep. I find myself developing a crush on him...I don't know what to do. I can't help but flirt with him...I know flirting is harmless, but it's the fact that I'm starting to like this guy when I have a boyfriend that I love so much. I couldn't see myself with anyone else...I really can't.

Any advice you can give me would be great. Even if it's just telling me I have nothing to worry about as long as I don't act on these feelings.

Edited June 11, 2013 by TiffanyNychole
left out a few things

June 11, 2013

This is an easy one. Because your BF works so much does he show you much love and attention? I doubt it, or it is rare. I would suggest speaking to him about this and try to make it a point that at least one or two days or nights a week you go on dates and do something outside of just sitting at home and watching TV.

I too fell in to a similar situation as you are in now... on both ends of the spectrum. I was like your BF, and I was also like you at one point... at least in the relationship sense. Anyway, when I was like you, I developed a crush on a really attractive (model attractive) friend of mine from my classes (my original threads I posted when I first joined were about her). Although I lived with my fiance (gf at the time), we were kind of in a rut because our schedules never meshed. However, over time I came to realize that I am truly happy with what I have and that I, me, Will, has to make some changes in order to keep this relationship a floot. In stead of hanging out with my guy friends every saturday night (she works weekends, I don't... the only free time we have is saturday afternoon and night) I would go on date type stuff with her during the day and early night, and sometimes late night... and see my friends maybe once or twice a month. I noticed once I did that that my gf at the time (now fiance) was more responsive, more kind, more loving etc... and I found that my fleeting attraction to my friend was gone. Sure if I were single and she was single i'd go after her, but that is not the case.

Anyway, the point is... even though you love your BF, you are tired of the routine and feeling like you don't get enough attention and love from him. Your "friend" offered you such attention, and that is why you are attracted to him. So my response, if you truly want this relationship to start working a little better is this... first off, you need to stop leading on your friend, and only text him maybe a few times a week at most, nothing flirty either.... secondly, you need to talk to your great sounding BF and try to plan at least one afternoon / night of the week where you all can just have "you" time and do date type stuff. You will notice that if you do this, and he trully follows through, that your desire for your friend will lessen, and that you will be happier with your Bf.

Now, if this is a thread where you are asking for "having your cake and eating it too" advice, then no, I'm not going to suggest cheat on your BF with this guy. Your BF, even if he was a total slime ball, deserves some respect, and especially in your case, he seems like a great guy and def deserves some respect. Thankfully, I don't think that is what you are asking.

Good luck!

June 11, 2013

I'm sorry if that was confusing, but basically I have been dating this guy for almost 3 years...we started dating our freshman year of college. We met in high school. Everything is great, I have a promise ring, we have been living together for about a year and a half, he's great, he just got a really good job. He really is a great guy, my dad lost his job a year ago and they have had some issues paying bills and he helps them out...he knows he doesn't have to, but does it anyways. He trust me and loves me unconditionally. Would do anything for me, if I need something...or just want it he will go get it for me.

Our relationship was kinda rocky at first, but it isn't now. Besides the fact that he works almost all the time and is almost always tired when he gets home and goes to bed...which I understand, bc he has a second job too. That one is at night. He use to do it all the time, but it was getting too much for him so he took less hours. So now he doesn't do it everynight

Anyways on to the crush. Me and this guy have been friends for about a year or two now. We became really close. He's almost the only guy friend I have left...the rest of them don't talk to me, bc I have a boyfriend. I always thought he was really sweet and kind of cute, but never thought anything of it...until recently, We we've been talking a lot the past week. He always text me, he even stayed up with me last night bc I couldn't sleep. I find myself developing a crush on him...I don't know what to do. I can't help but flirt with him...I know flirting is harmless, but it's the fact that I'm starting to like this guy when I have a boyfriend that I love so much. I couldn't see myself with anyone else...I really can't.

Any advice you can give me would be great. Even if it's just telling me I have nothing to worry about as long as I don't act on these feelings.

So let me get this straight. You have this incredible guy, whom you've known for a long time, he's sweet and good, breaks his back working and even helps your family.You say you love him, and you're developing a crush on a "friend" whom you've known for only a year? and you flirt with him? How do you think that's going to end? Obviously you cannot see him as a just a friend anymore, so you either stop seeing this guy AT ALL, like zero contact and the crush, as all other crushes will pass... Or you leave this wonderful man you have at your side and see what happens...

I really don't get women these days, they complain how most men are jerks who use them, and when they finally find a proper man, they start fantasizing about others...

June 11, 2013

Thank you Will, this really helped...you're right I don't want to "have my cake and eat it too" I don't even want to have a crush on this guy...but I think you're right. Me and my boyfriend use to do everything together and spend a lot of time with each other, and now that he has two jobs we barely ever get to spend time together...the time we do spend together usually consist of laying in bed and watching tv or playing a video game together. I will definitely take your advice to heart and talk to him...I truly love him and don't want to lose him bc I had one moment of weakness. Thank you so much for not being judgmental and understanding (:

June 11, 2013

Thank you Will, this really helped...you're right I don't want to "have my cake and eat it too" I don't even want to have a crush on this guy...but I think you're right. Me and my boyfriend use to do everything together and spend a lot of time with each other, and now that he has two jobs we barely ever get to spend time together...the time we do spend together usually consist of laying in bed and watching tv or playing a video game together. I will definitely take your advice to heart and talk to him...I truly love him and don't want to lose him bc I had one moment of weakness. Thank you so much for not being judgmental and understanding (:

You're welcome. As someone who has been in both your shoes and your BF's shoes I completely understand. It is best to nip this problem in the bud now, before this friend of yours starts crushing really hard on you and vice versa. I would cut contact or minimize it greatly starting now. And as I said, and as you said, talking to your BF asap and trying to work out at least one day/night a week where you do date stuff is important... it helps reconnect you two. Even if it is just a nice dinner and a walk around town, that will do wonders for the relationship... trust me.

Also, you were just texting the guy...you might have started a quasi-emotional affair, but you have not physically cheated or done anything romantic with this guy. Chalk it up to lesson learned.

June 11, 2013

You're welcome. As someone who has been in both your shoes and your BF's shoes I completely understand. It is best to nip this problem in the bud now, before this friend of yours starts crushing really hard on you and vice versa. I would cut contact or minimize it greatly starting now. And as I said, and as you said, talking to your BF asap and trying to work out at least one day/night a week where you do date stuff is important... it helps reconnect you two. Even if it is just a nice dinner and a walk around town, that will do wonders for the relationship... trust me.

Also, you were just texting the guy...you might have started a quasi-emotional affair, but you have not physically cheated or done anything romantic with this guy. Chalk it up to lesson learned.

Thank you so much. I will do that. I'll tell the other guy that I need to work on my relationship and even though he's a good friend that means not talking to him for a while. And when my boyfriend gets home I will definitely talk to him about doing a date night at least once a week. You have been very helpful (:

June 11, 2013

Thank you so much. I will do that. I'll tell the other guy that I need to work on my relationship and even though he's a good friend that means not talking to him for a while. And when my boyfriend gets home I will definitely talk to him about doing a date night at least once a week. You have been very helpful (:

I agree with Will's advice. But with the bolded above- I'd strongly suggest leaving out anything about having to work on your relationship. It's just bad etiquette to talk about your relationship with others of the opposite sex who are anything but clearly/permanently platonic friends. Saying anything about the state of your relationship to a guy who you've got a bit of a crush on and 99% guaranteed has one on you is very uncool.

June 11, 2013

Well you're human and things like this do happen. TBS the fact that you seem to feel guilty about it and that you want to stay with your BF tells me you have a good moral compass and that you're not letting your emotions override your logic.

I do think a big part of it is that you're BF is very busy like another poster said so I think you need to talk to him and see if yall can work in some more quality time.

As to the flirting, just picture an tiny snowball at the top of a giant hill!

June 11, 2013

I agree with Will's advice. But with the bolded above- I'd strongly suggest leaving out anything about having to work on your relationship. It's just bad etiquette to talk about your relationship with others of the opposite sex who are anything but clearly/permanently platonic friends. Saying anything about the state of your relationship to a guy who you've got a bit of a crush on and 99% guaranteed has one on you is very uncool.

Thank you for the advice. I completely agree. Everybody has helped me so much on this issue...I have already talked to my guy friend and he was understanding that I didn't want to talk to him for a while and we didn't need to be spending one-on-one time with each other anymore

June 11, 2013

Tough situation.

What I'm about to say might sound cliche-ish and not realistic, but I believe that if you're with someone you are really into and love, you won't develop feelings for someone else.

It would appear that this new guy has something you want that you aren't getting from your current guy.

June 11, 2013

Well you're human and things like this do happen. TBS the fact that you seem to feel guilty about it and that you want to stay with your BF tells me you have a good moral compass and that you're not letting your emotions override your logic.

I do think a big part of it is that you're BF is very busy like another poster said so I think you need to talk to him and see if yall can work in some more quality time.

As to the flirting, just picture an tiny snowball at the top of a giant hill!

Thank you (: I understand the snowball reference...while flirting can be completely harmless...it becomes an issue when the other person or you start developing feelings for the other. Somebody is bond to get hurt in this situation if I don't put a stop to it now...I don't want anyone to get hurt...especially my boyfriend. I don't know what I would do without him. Yes I have been feeling neglected lately, but that isn't his fault. He has been working his ass off to help out my family

June 11, 2013

Tough situation.

What I'm about to say might sound cliche-ish and not realistic, but I believe that if you're with someone you are really into and love, you won't develop feelings for someone else.

It would appear that this new guy has something you want that you aren't getting from your current guy.

You're right. The attention...I'm not so much attracted to him as the attention I'm getting from him. I have put a stop to it though. I completely agree. I don't think you can be truly in love with someone if you start to develop feelings for another.

June 11, 2013

You're right. The attention...I'm not so much attracted to him as the attention I'm getting from him. I have put a stop to it though. I completely agree. I don't think you can be truly in love with someone if you start to develop feelings for another.

Do you feel your current bf doesn't give you enough attention or isn't as "into" you as this new guy?

June 11, 2013

People won't like this OP. but here it is.

You aren't married to you're BF yet.

The good thing about being married is that either person can walk away without any legal consequences, and a fraction of the emotional consequences of being married (with children in particular). Here is what I want you to consider.

Does your BF have time for his friends, his sports, his video games, his hobbies...but not for you? If so you need to ask him for some of that time in a nice way. Date your BF. Don't stop dating just because you are living together. Heck, roomates live together. Date your BF. Married people do this as a strategy to see eachother, they say lets make sure that X number of days we will spend the evening together no matter what. Date your BF.

If you're BF only wants you as a maid with benefits then he isn't your BF.

The good thing about not being married is, as much as I know this sort of thing hurts, you can just walk away.

June 11, 2013

People won't like this OP. but here it is.

You aren't married to you're BF yet.

The good thing about being married is that either person can walk away without any legal consequences, and a fraction of the emotional consequences of being married (with children in particular). Here is what I want you to consider.

Does your BF have time for his friends, his sports, his video games, his hobbies...but not for you? If so you need to ask him for some of that time in a nice way. Date your BF. Don't stop dating just because you are living together. Heck, roomates live together. Date your BF. Married people do this as a strategy to see eachother, they say lets make sure that X number of days we will spend the evening together no matter what. Date your BF.

If you're BF only wants you as a maid with benefits then he isn't your BF.

The good thing about not being married is, as much as I know this sort of thing hurts, you can just walk away.

Thank you, that was very insightful. You're right he does have time to sit there and play his video games and watch his tv shows...I think he expects me to want to do the same thing...and don't get me wrong, we have a lot in common and I love videogames...I like some of the same shows he watches, but I am a girl and I crave that attention and to be taken out every so often. I had already planned on talking to him about us spending more quality time together...but this made me realize just how much I need to ask for that. Yes we live together, but that shouldn't take all the passion and romance out of the relationship.

June 11, 2013

Thank you, that was very insightful. You're right he does have time to sit there and play his video games and watch his tv shows...I think he expects me to want to do the same thing...and don't get me wrong, we have a lot in common and I love videogames...I like some of the same shows he watches, but I am a girl and I crave that attention and to be taken out every so often. I had already planned on talking to him about us spending more quality time together...but this made me realize just how much I need to ask for that. Yes we live together, but that shouldn't take all the passion and romance out of the relationship.

Good. People sometimes forget, that, as we get attached to someone and comfortable with them, are they making us happy? If you are thinking of another man, then odds are your BF just isn't making you happy.

If he can play video games, and watch TV he can at the very least find games you both like and shows you both (I mean really not just him caving to your demands either... you both have to really like it) enjoy.

If he just can't make you happy anymore then really, think about what I said. A committed relationship =/= marriage.

June 11, 2013

TiffanyNychole, are you working and/or going to school?

June 12, 2013

Tell your BF that you want to spend more time with him.

Does he really have to work two jobs?

June 12, 2013

TiffanyNychole, are you working and/or going to school?

Yes. I am. Well I'm taking the summer off for school, but I do work

June 12, 2013

Good. People sometimes forget, that, as we get attached to someone and comfortable with them, are they making us happy? If you are thinking of another man, then odds are your BF just isn't making you happy.

If he can play video games, and watch TV he can at the very least find games you both like and shows you both (I mean really not just him caving to your demands either... you both have to really like it) enjoy.

If he just can't make you happy anymore then really, think about what I said. A committed relationship =/= marriage.

Thank you. I will take what you said to heart. I really do love him, but you did make me realize that if he just can't make me happy anymore...maybe he isn't the one for me. /:

June 12, 2013

Yes. I am. Well I'm taking the summer off for school, but I do work

Who makes it possible for you to take the summer off to go back to school and what part of the bills do you pay for, whether during your summer off or normally?

June 12, 2013

Tell your BF that you want to spend more time with him.

Does he really have to work two jobs?

Yes, He really has two jobs. He works for an oil company full time during the day and at night he does floors for his friends business. He was also taking 9 hours of classes. /: I'm really proud of him and everything he is accomplishing. He doesn't even need to work as hard as he does...I work too we would make enough money together...but his thing is he wants to be able to do things for us. For us to be able to go out, but the thing is we never do.

June 12, 2013

Who makes it possible for you to take the summer off to go back to school and what part of the bills do you pay for, whether during your summer off or normally?

I don't take off the summer completely I'm still working, just not going to school. I'm going to start back next semester though. I actually pay for my schooling...the part that my scholarships don't cover anyways, which isn't much don't get me wrong. We split the bills. The only thing he has paid for that I didn't have the money for was he gave my parents part of the money for their house payment so they wouldn't lose it, but I have helped them out too, bc my dad has been without a job for a year now. He can't find anything.

June 12, 2013

I don't take off the summer completely I'm still working, just not going to school. I'm going to start back next semester though. I actually pay for my schooling...the part that my scholarships don't cover anyways, which isn't much don't get me wrong. We split the bills. The only thing he has paid for that I didn't have the money for was he gave my parents part of the money for their house payment so they wouldn't lose it, but I have helped them out too, bc my dad has been without a job for a year now. He can't find anything.

Okay good. I wanted to ensure that there was sufficient equity in the relationship, before providing any advice.

Now that you've provided sufficient information, chalk me up to the once a week or if time doesn't permit, biweekly date night idea. There's relaxing into a relationship and then there's complete boredom where all sense of romance is lost in mundanity.

June 12, 2013

Yes, He really has two jobs. He works for an oil company full time during the day and at night he does floors for his friends business. He was also taking 9 hours of classes. /: I'm really proud of him and everything he is accomplishing. He doesn't even need to work as hard as he does...I work too we would make enough money together...but his thing is he wants to be able to do things for us. For us to be able to go out, but the thing is we never do.

OK, he is doing way too much.

It looks like you barely see him and it's no wonder you're developing feelings for somebody who gives you attention.

You have to somehow convey to him that you need to spend more time together.

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Developing crush on my guy friend, but I have a boyfriend

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