Question about actions subsequent to D-day in affairs

[Confused48]

Wives do too. You are not a cheating WW or a BH so you don't see that. You are not looking for those examples. But they are there.

.

 

Confused here. Right, you are the WW. But WW's are given a second chance. Some do not want it. Some do not know how to make it work. Same goes for WH's. My point is don't give up just because you are a female.

[Act Two]

Are you posting to me? I'm not sure that you are. If you are, it's too late for me. I wouldn't give up just because I'm female, but the point of those studies is that often the affair occurs after the woman has actually left to some degree. My stbx said that about me- he said I left him really about 2 years before the affair, in my heart.

 

I was not in the affair for the sex. In fact, I wasn't having any sex at all for well over a year while in the affair. For me, I had checked out of the marriage and had checked into the affair with my heart. It satisfied me emotionally, and then also became physical.

 

This pattern makes reconciliation very difficult, and is certainly not the case for every woman. I'm sure there are many women in it for sex or the thrill or something different.

 

I was given chances by my betrayed spouse, and sadly I blew them.

[who_am_i]

For what it's worth my therapist told me it is her experience that couples who've faced infedelity fall into 3 groups of thirds. 1/3 will leave...no question, 1/3 will stay not knowing what they want...they always seem to have one foot in and one foot out, and 1/3 will do anything it takes to make things right again. Out of the people who chose to stay...only 50% will still be committed to staying together after a year of gut wrenching therapy.

 

She says that she has seen reconciliation happen and believes that it is possible only if both parnters are 100% dedicated and neither can imagine living without the other. Unfortunately, she said, far too often this isn't the case.

 

She explained it to me like this...

Imagine when you're first married that the two of you are surrounded by a fence. As time goes by things happen and the fence starts to look a little shabby...but, still keeping you together. Finally one day the things that caused your fence to become shabby create a hole in it..they don't have to be big things either...but now there is a hole. This hole is going to continue to get bigger unless you choose to do a little maintenance. The longer you wait for maintenance....the more costly....the more difficult to repair. Eventually, the hole is big enough to see out...so you start looking. The longer the hole is around and the longer you're able to look outside the hole the less likely you become interested in patching the hole at all. Sooner or later the hole is big enough to crawl out...or for someone else to crawl in.

 

It doesn't matter where the hole came from...who's fault it was...you saw the hole and chose to let it go...we'll fix it tomorrow...until sometimes the hole is just far too big to repair. Sure! It can be done...but it's going to be a tremendous amount of work and will most likely never be like it was.

 

For the record she tells the story far better then I ever could...but you get the point. Somewhere along the line a hole was created in the marriage which makes you accessible to others.

Edited June 13, 2013 by who_am_i

[busdriver]

WH here. When my W found out about my A, I was afraid she would leave. We had never really talked about what would happen if one of us cheated, but I was afraid it might be a dealbreaker. But her feeling is that marriage is forever, and families should stay together. She didn't consider divorce an option. At least not for cheating. She believes there's nothing we can't work out.

 

My OW never wanted a permanent relationship with me, so that was not an option or a factor in the decision to reconcile.

[Anna-Belle]

So yeah..just really curious as to how often the d-day leads to an instant seperation.

 

In our case Dday led to instant separation. He told her he was in love with me and was continuing our relationship. She said she wouldn't share him. So he immediately started looking for an apartment and is moving out this month.

[Confused48]

Are you posting to me?

 

No, that was meant for Grass.

 

I'm not sure that you are. If you are, it's too late for me. I wouldn't give up just because I'm female, but the point of those studies is that often the affair occurs after the woman has actually left to some degree. My stbx said that about me- he said I left him really about 2 years before the affair, in my heart.

 

I understand this phenomenon. I also know that this can happen to men and a woman can be in the situation you describe your husband as having been in.

 

Whatever the gender of the parties to this situation is, the party who "check out" can be drawn back over time. With patient but not overly needy behavior by the BS. It is tough though to be a BS and have to wait for your WS to even want to come back.

 

I was not in the affair for the sex. In fact, I wasn't having any sex at all for well over a year while in the affair. For me, I had checked out of the marriage and had checked into the affair with my heart. It satisfied me emotionally, and then also became physical.

 

This pattern makes reconciliation very difficult, and is certainly not the case for every woman. I'm sure there are many women in it for sex or the thrill or something different.

 

I was given chances by my betrayed spouse, and sadly I blew them.

 

I'm sorry it did not work out for you. As you say, the dynamics of the situation were difficult to overcome. But I can't think of any kind of affair dynamics that are not very difficult to overcome. You sound like a very thoughtful person. I hope you are well now.

[cocorico]

I SUSPECT it is often spun very differently to the AP...as in I told her I loved you and wanted to be with you so I left and here I am.

 

AP thrilled to be chosen.

 

 

Sure. ..and sometimes the BS spins it that way to hide the fact that he left despite her begging, and despite the huge paper trail she left pleading for another chance, and her best efforts to stall or derail the D.

 

I'm sure whoever is the dumped party is prone to reinterpret events to come out looking as though they chose the outcome they got. Few people are comfortable admitting that they were discarded by someone who purported to love them.

 

Without access to the emails, etc, exchanged subsequently, it's hard for anyone to know what happened. Certainly the participants will choose to represent themselves in a favourable light in any retelling.

[Minnie09]

You have no right to say that, for you do not know OP. You've no idea the circumstances that led to the affair, or much else for that matter with regard to OP. OP was simply asking a q... one which I have wondered about for a long while.

 

As for not just leaving the M on a dday, mine did. Plans to move to his city in a couple of months. We're really happy. He's happier than I've ever known him.

 

And stbxw is upset that he isn't willing to work on the marriage when he feels he tried for years to no avail.

 

In a matter of a year our lives are completely different and we are so glad. We believe in living life well and being happy. If you are unhappy in your circumstances, change them. I am super proud of my bf. He is finally doing what is best for him rather than what is best for everyone else. Nobody stops to think that if MM is taking care of everyone (pre affair) and they are all out taking care of their own needs, nobody is taking care of MM. Our happiness comes from ourselves and in us finding what truly makes us happy. That includes a partner who loves and understands us, who wants our happiness too. It just fascinates me that BS is calling my bf selfish when he has taken care of her every need for years, and he was being ignored (yeah yeah, you say I can't know that, but I do), but when he finally changed his life to a happier one, he's an ass. He's suddenly this horrible liar who can never be trusted. I trust him implicitely. We're older, his kids are raised, so it's a little different for us, not having young kids and everything that entails. It was easier for him to finally walk.

 

And I also believe that love conquers all. I've known my bf for 18 years. FINALLY it is our turn to have a true and meaningful love in our life. If BS decides to take back their unfaithful partner, I hope it works for them. But I just don't know how you do it.

 

 

OMG.....how many times can someone possibly use the word happy (and different versions thereof, like happiness, happiER, unhappy etc.) in one post? Jeeez. Who do you guys want to convince that you are HAPPY and did the right thing? Yourselves? Yes, we get it......everyone has a "right" to be HAPPY......yawn. Why did he have to wait till DDay though? If HAPPY HAPPY is so important? I don't get it. Almost two decades of happy happy sneaking around behind the back of the W who made him sooo unHAPPY? Please. And you're sure it was his decision?

[MissBee]

This is very important and I've never heard it put in such terms.

It sums it up. If WS couldn't decide to divorce , why should anyone think it would be easier for BS to decide.

 

Precisely.

 

I think often times, especially from APs' sides, all responsibility to divorce as well as blame for the cheating/unhappiness of the WS is put on the BS, whereas the MM is otherwise: trapped, obligated, hands are tied etc. and his indecision is painted as understandable and reasonable and many see the term cake-eating as a horrible and false accusation, and he's just a noble man who is unhappy but can't leave because he is soooooooo responsible and duty bound. But if the BS chooses to stay put all her reasons are seen as flimsy or otherwise negative.

[Nyla]

Did she love him? Did she forgive him? Do YOU believe she stayed so the children could have a nuclear family, mommy and daddy?

 

I'm sorry. I do not know your back story.

 

She never forgave him because she STILL talks about it to this day.

 

My mom did say that she stayed for her kids and I believe that, however I did tell her she should leave him so it obviously wasn't for me.

[seren]

Seren I apppaud you for working on your marriage' date=' however your WSs affair was short, if it were five years, would you have felt differently?? You realised early and that was a good thing definitely. You were on the ball, You for instance, would not have let it go on and ignored it, hoping it would go away. There lies the difference enitrely.[/quote']

 

J'adore, you have said this to me before and I think that what you may not understand is that it isn't the length of an A. but that there was an A at all. I also think that our 23 year relationship would have withstood a 5 year A, but I cannot say for sure, as it wasn't. I didn't realise at all, so was not on the ball, I was totally blindsided, H told me, I don't know of many BS who ignore A's and let it go, maybe some do, but not any I know. Had I known rather than told, I would have told H the same as I did, if he loved her to leave and be with her, if not, then what next and gone from there.

 

As with all relationships, there are differences in both A's and marriages and the reasons people have A's. The outcomes too are very different, I can only speak from my experience of both the A, H's reasons for it and ours for reconciling. I have said it before and will repeat, I hate all A's, but not those who have them. I don't live their lives, just mine. H's A was for 8 months, had it been for 8 minutes, 8 days or 8 years it would still have ripped the heart out of me, it is the deceit, not the time it took and it is the action, not the words that have made it possible for me and H to reconcile. He is the beat of my heart and I his, always was and always will be. For us the A is a part of our marriage history, but not its future, for some that will never happen and that's their choice.

 

I just wish for everyone to have truth to make an informed choice about their life, if that means a D Day then I am glad they happen, far better that, than anyone to live a life based upon an untruth. I wish all AP's would have a line in the sand that has the WS tell the BS, so all can have informed choice and truth - it's the right thing to do, I don;'t think anyone, BS, AP or WS should have secrets that impinge upon the right to an informed choice about their life. Whether that be the WS telling the BS they are leaving or telling the AP that they are not.

Seems to me that very often jibes and barbs are traded by the wrong people, the BS doesn't know, the AP is getting their information from the WS and truly doesn't know, the common denominator is the WS, who, IMHO, holds all the truth cards. It really isn't the length of time, the number of meetings, if that were true then most AP's would only have met with the WS for a few months at most in a chronological reckoning, does it matter that a WS has been married 2 years or 20 years to an AP? It is the lack of truth, the gaslighting and the believing all that has been told that matters. On D Day it is a time for level playing fields and that is what I wish for everyone.