2sure Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 In my marriage I am the one being unfaithful. If my husband found out, we would be done. If I found out he was cheating, I would be done (but admittedly moreso because it would be my out I'm glad you pointed out that DDay would be your "out" It seems like the logically out for a married person having an affair, wanting to leave, but not wanting to bring the divorce about their own . And for some, thats just what happens. But for many more WS's that have been stalling about leaving DDay has them not taking advantage of the out, but instead saying and sometimes doing anything they can to keep in the marriage with or without continuing the affair. They wouldn't divorce before having the affair, and after having it they often won't willingly divorce either. 3
2sure Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I'm always baffled too that AP's expect for the betrayed to walk away from their entire life. To be rock solid and rigid and make the break that the AP and MP couldn't make themselves. This is very important and I've never heard it put in such terms. It sums it up. If WS couldn't decide to divorce , why should anyone think it would be easier for BS to decide. 9
Prime Vera Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 It really shocks me that most spouses aren't just "done" once they find out about an affair. So yeah..just really curious as to how often the d-day leads to an instant seperation. It shocks me too. My husband's affair was an instant dealbreaker for me. Game over. I kicked him out on DDay with 2 hefty bags full of his crap, one colorful shiner and zero hope of ever getting back together. Today I am certain I made the right decision. No regrets. He made the choice to cheat and I made the choice to discard him like the POS he is. I raised my 6 kids by myself without a husband or any money to speak of, but with my self respect intact. Now I am happily remarried to a wonderful man and my prior marriage and the ugly affair that ended it seems like a bad fiction novel I once read long, long ago. I don't understand how a woman can stay with the one person who she trusted to have her back, but who put a knife in it instead. No thanks. I deserve better. 1
BetrayedH Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I'm pretty sure 96 tried to R' date=' but then found she had continued to cheat..that's when he went hardcore.[/quote'] I stand corrected. 1
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Well seeing as you are a MW having an affair, then why do you not simply just be done and leave your husband? Why do you want to leave it up to one of the BS to eventually maybe do it for you? this would not be the first time I have read on these boards that a woman in an affair realized her marriage is over, H finds out, they divorce, and her MM goes back to his wife. more often than I can count. 2
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 When this question arises from the AP, wondering why BS doesn't leave after Dday, the obvious motivation seems to be "What would make YOU leave so that I can have him?" Not saying that's what you were thinking OP, but its an obvious sentiment among many OW around here. I wonder why an AP would want the MP by default only? If the only reason a MM were coming to me was because his wife THREW him out, I'd tell him to get the hell on and slam the door. I SUSPECT it is often spun very differently to the AP...as in I told her I loved you and wanted to be with you so I left and here I am. AP thrilled to be chosen. My H had carte blanche to be with her. it was the lying to me, NOT the developing feelings for another, that enraged me. I KNOW he NEVER told her that..... 2
BetrayedH Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 No exactly a resounding fact based defense of your previous statement. Just more weak anecdotal evidence and your unfounded opinions based on conjecture. You are free to have your opinion, just don't state it as fact. Hmm. I don't feel like dragging out all of my books but I'm pretty sure it's well-founded that betrayed men are less apt to reconcile than betrayed women. I think it's also well-established that wayward women are less apt to reconcile than wayward men. Admittedly, I'm just going off of memory. 3
HopingAgain Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 It shocks me too. My husband's affair was an instant dealbreaker for me. Game over. I kicked him out on DDay with 2 hefty bags full of his crap, one colorful shiner and zero hope of ever getting back together. Today I am certain I made the right decision. No regrets. He made the choice to cheat and I made the choice to discard him like the POS he is. I raised my 6 kids by myself without a husband or any money to speak of, but with my self respect intact. Now I am happily remarried to a wonderful man and my prior marriage and the ugly affair that ended it seems like a bad fiction novel I once read long, long ago. I don't understand how a woman can stay with the one person who she trusted to have her back, but who put a knife in it instead. No thanks. I deserve better. I understand the thought process behind this, because everyone is different and some more forgiving than others. But do you feel that BS who stay have no self respect? If so, why? Also, if your current H were to cheat, would you leave him immediately as well?
HopingAgain Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Hmm. I don't feel like dragging out all of my books but I'm pretty sure it's well-founded that betrayed men are less apt to reconcile than betrayed women. I think it's also well-established that wayward women are less apt to reconcile than wayward men. Admittedly, I'm just going off of memory. I think the part about Wayward Women is very true. Once a womans heart leaves the relationship, it usually stays gone! 2
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 No exactly a resounding fact based defense of your previous statement. Just more weak anecdotal evidence and your unfounded opinions based on conjecture. You are free to have your opinion, just don't state it as fact. I agree with Underwater. Women are more likely to have exit affairs. The Walkaway Wife is a social phenomenon being studied today by anthropologists, psychologists, and evolutionary biologists. Men are more likely to desire sexual variety and can be cake-eaters, never intending to leave the wife. The worst predictor of marital longevity, according to Dr. Shirley Glass, is a Woman who cheats early in the marriage. Why? because she believes she married the wrong man. This does not mean the marriage cannot be righted or that feelings change. there is a lot of research to support this. Google and educate yourself. 3
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Hmm. I don't feel like dragging out all of my books but I'm pretty sure it's well-founded that betrayed men are less apt to reconcile than betrayed women. I think it's also well-established that wayward women are less apt to reconcile than wayward men. Admittedly, I'm just going off of memory. Men are much more visual and sex is how they express their love. if a man cannot overcome those sexual mind movies of his wife with another man, no, he will not be able to successfully reconcile and he knows this fairly quickly. Women's sexuality is tied very closely to their emotions. If he shows remorse, treats her respectfully, she will be more likely to forgive him and have sex with him again. But that romantic card he sent his OW? THAT will haunt and anger a woman longer than any BJs. 8
Prime Vera Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I understand the thought process behind this, because everyone is different and some more forgiving than others. But do you feel that BS who stay have no self respect? If so, why? Also, if your current H were to cheat, would you leave him immediately as well? No, although I don't understand, I do not judge the self respect of BSs who stay. My hat is off to anyone who can truly forgive infidelity and go on to be genuinely healed and happy. I could not. If I had stayed I would not have been happy. I would always feel like I was accepting less than I deserved by my own choice. If my current husband were to cheat I would leave him immediately as well. 2
Summer Breeze Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I asked my xH if he was cheating and I could see it on his face I was right. No evidence. Only a gut feeling. He cheated. I was true to all the feelings pre A. I was true to all of the conversations we had about infidelity. It was a dealbreaker. In a matter of a day or two I had my step kids talked to and their emotional support in place. I had a spare room in my new house so they could come stay with me if they wanted. I spoke to his family. I bundled up my toddler D and I was out of there. To this day I don't understand how anyone can R. I respect the fact we all are in different situations and are different people so accept it happens and sometimes happens successfully. I couldn't do it and to me it wouldn't have mattered if I had been with him 5 minutes or 50 years. BTW he's been M to his OW for a long time now and from all accounts he's been faithful and they seem very happy. I sincerely think my reaction and actions made him realize exactly what he did and may have helped out keeping him faithful.
So happy together Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I SUSPECT it is often spun very differently to the AP...as in I told her I loved you and wanted to be with you so I left and here I am. AP thrilled to be chosen. My H had carte blanche to be with her. it was the lying to me, NOT the developing feelings for another, that enraged me. I KNOW he NEVER told her that..... Interesting you say this. My bf told me this the other day... that his stbxw had an issue with the dishonesty of it all. In her words "You lied, you cheated and you left". Of course he countered with his gripes, but because she learned of the affair she will never look at herself as any part of the problem. I hope at some point there is some introspection on her part. I know my bf and I are both doing ours. 1
drifter777 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Hmm. I don't feel like dragging out all of my books but I'm pretty sure it's well-founded that betrayed men are less apt to reconcile than betrayed women. I think it's also well-established that wayward women are less apt to reconcile than wayward men. Admittedly, I'm just going off of memory. I read this as well and I'm sure it's true. However isn't this saying the same thing? Betrayed men are cheated on by wayward women so it seems to be the same scenario. Anyway, your overall point is well taken.
Confused48 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 What would you like Spark to say? You are correct that nobody here, or anywhere, can say the OP will not have a chance at a second chance. ONLY her BH will know what he will do if he is told. Thus we can only give an opinion based on our own experiences and those of published professionals. I think all the comments on this thread are very helpful to the OP. She can take the experiences of others and make a decision for herself and have an idea of what to expect. But regardless, she won't know what will really happen until she tells her BH. How about hard statistics. Facts. People at least at first were spouting their opinion as if it was fact. Just say "in my opinion....." Instead of, if you are a woman and you cheat your man is going to kick you to the curb, for sure. 1
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Interesting you say this. My bf told me this the other day... that his stbxw had an issue with the dishonesty of it all. In her words "You lied, you cheated and you left". Of course he countered with his gripes, but because she learned of the affair she will never look at herself as any part of the problem. I hope at some point there is some introspection on her part. I know my bf and I are both doing ours. but she's right...and his response should have been, You are right. I did. If he was hoping she would introspect and improve herself, having an affair, lying about it and now leaving to be with you will set back personal introspection and accelerate her substance abuse problem for.....oh, about 5 years. sorry, affair trumps all..... 5
seren Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 So Happy, the reason most of us BS stay is because we too believe love conquers all, some of us have also known our husbands or wives for a long time and while we hate the A and hate that we were lied to, we are part of the D Day and beyond situation from our personal experience and know what each of us and our partners have said and make our informed choices based upon what we need to do. Many AP's hang around for years waiting for the WS to leave or make a decision because they love and believe. Many BS stay because they too love and believe, only difference is that after D Day, in most instances, there is no more deceit. Having happily reconciled I agree, love does indeed conquer all. 4
96nole Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 How about hard statistics. Facts. People at least at first were spouting their opinion as if it was fact. Just say "in my opinion....." Instead of, if you are a woman and you cheat your man is going to kick you to the curb, for sure. If hard statistics is what you're looking for, I suggest going somewhere other than an online message board where people are going to give their opinions. Nowhere on Loveshack does it state that those who post are certified medical professionals.
William Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) Thread title changed to reflect content and one member banned so far. Still working. Post with our community guidelines and desired social climate in mind. Thanks! Edited June 13, 2013 by William Redacted forum move
So happy together Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 So Happy, the reason most of us BS stay is because we too believe love conquers all, some of us have also known our husbands or wives for a long time and while we hate the A and hate that we were lied to, we are part of the D Day and beyond situation from our personal experience and know what each of us and our partners have said and make our informed choices based upon what we need to do. Many AP's hang around for years waiting for the WS to leave or make a decision because they love and believe. Many BS stay because they too love and believe, only difference is that after D Day, in most instances, there is no more deceit. Having happily reconciled I agree, love does indeed conquer all. I truly do wonder if, even if we don't want to admit it, BS's and OW/OM are just flip sides of the same coin. 1
Nyla Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I grew up seeing a lot of infidelity, so I can say with confidence that I would end my marriage if my husband was cheating on me. I have seen the damage that infidelity causes firsthand and many times over. I would NOT want that in my marriage. It is one of the reasons I don't want children; I do not want to feel forced to stay with my husband if our marriage ever goes sour. I lost respect for my mother when she not only took my father back, but she continued to cater to him by doing all the housework! My mom tries to pretend she's this strong and tough woman, but she was too cowardly to be a single mom, despite having a good job at that time and the certainty of a hefty divorce settlement. 3
Spark1111 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I grew up seeing a lot of infidelity, so I can say with confidence that I would end my marriage if my husband was cheating on me. I have seen the damage that infidelity causes firsthand and many times over. I would NOT want that in my marriage. It is one of the reasons I don't want children; I do not want to feel forced to stay with my husband if our marriage ever goes sour. I lost respect for my mother when she not only took my father back, but she continued to cater to him by doing all the housework! My mom tries to pretend she's this strong and tough woman, but she was too cowardly to be a single mom, despite having a good job at that time and the certainty of a hefty divorce settlement. Did she love him? Did she forgive him? Do YOU believe she stayed so the children could have a nuclear family, mommy and daddy? I'm sorry. I do not know your back story.
Confused48 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 It is hard sometimes to see that men and women can be on the same/opposite sides of various issues. I doubt you intended to be sexist in your comments but I take it them that way. And apparently so do a lot of the other followers of this thread. Not that they object, as I do. They confirm their sexist views by piling on in support. . It seems like after a D-Day, especially for husbands that have been cheating, that they almost always go back to their wives and try harder to make the marriage Wives do too. You are not a cheating WW or a BH so you don't see that. You are not looking for those examples. But they are there. Are there any/many women or men on here that have found out about an affair that your spouse was having and it was an absolute deal breaker? It really shocks me that most spouses aren't just "done" once they find out about an affair. This is not sexist. It is completely neutral in its presentation. I hope you know that if you tell your H what has happened, you have as good a chance at reconciliation as anyone who ever posted here. It does not matter that you are a WW rather than a WH. You can come clean and hope for the best. I wish you well in your journey.
Act Two Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Do you have statistics on this? I have not heard this to be true. Maybe it is, I just don't think you should say something like that unless you know it is true. In Not Just Friends, Shirley Glass cites infidelity studies that say married women who cheat more often do so after marital distress, more often than men do. From this you might conclude, as other posters have mentioned, that women are more likely to have exit affairs due to marital dissatisfaction than men are.
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