Question about actions subsequent to D-day in affairs

[grassisorisntgreener]

This may be a topic for the OM/OW category, but I wasn't really sure, starting here. This is just a question based on my curiosity.

 

It seems like after a D-Day, especially for husbands that have been cheating, that they almost always go back to their wives and try harder to make the marriage work. This really surprises me. Not that they don't want to be back, but more that they are welcome back.

 

Are there any/many women or men on here that have found out about an affair that your spouse was having and it was an absolute deal breaker? It really shocks me that most spouses aren't just "done" once they find out about an affair.

 

In my marriage I am the one being unfaithful. If my husband found out, we would be done. If I found out he was cheating, I would be done (but admittedly moreso because it would be my out).

 

So yeah..just really curious as to how often the d-day leads to an instant seperation.

[secretlady76]

I agree you don't know what will happen until it happens.

 

I told my BS. I was given two options; either leave by yourself (without the kids) or stay.

 

Had my affair been a full blown PA (sex) then I think his reaction may have been different.

 

I decided to stay to give the marriage one last shot for the sake of the kids, him and me. Will it last? I don't know, we shall see.

 

Either way, I am on last chance saloon. If it happens again, I won't be forgiven and that is the marriage over.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Not that they don't want to be back, but more that they are welcome back.

 

So yeah..just really curious as to how often the d-day leads to an instant seperation.

 

"Welcome back" sounds like a party was thrown with a banner hanging over the door.

 

I don't know of any couple post d-day that did not walk on eggshells for a long time. Some couples separate for a short period to cool off. My IC suggested that I stay at an extended stay hotel for a week.

 

I was in the "instant dealbreaker" club too until I was faced with it. Having two small children and spending most of my adult life with my wife played a role in my decision to try to reconcile.

[BetrayedH]

What bringontherain said is pretty spot on from my experience and from two years of reading here. As a BS, you don't typically immediately fall out of love with your spouse.

 

When I confronted my wife with what I knew, I had already seen a divorce attorney. But when she broke down and cried, I found myself holding and consoling her. It was surreal. I gave her conditions to avoid an immediate divorce and she met them. This is pretty consistent with a lot of situations we see here. Statistically, about 90% of betrayed wives made an initial attempt to reconcile and it's about 80% for men. But based on my experience, too many waywards are staying out of guilt, obligation, and fear of exposure. This is additionally cruel to the BS because instead of truly investing in the marriage, we get a lot of minimizing of the affair, trickle truth, or the affair continues but just further underground. If some honesty could just be brought forth, a more respectful resolution could be found. But cheaters aren't known for such courage or they wouldn't be cheating; they would either fix the marriage or leave it. At first glance, this seems to be the case in your situation as well. It's unfortunate for both parties. Why not just put your cards on the table and then allow both of you to move forward with your lives? Chase your soulmate if you like and allow your BS to pursue their own life as well.

[Journee]

I'm always baffled too that AP's expect for the betrayed to walk away from their entire life. To be rock solid and rigid and make the break that the AP and MP couldn't even make themselves.

 

 

Not all affairs have the same background, length and other factors. Not all marriages are in the same place at the time of discovery.

 

People involved in affairs are often not dealing with the problems in their M head on anyway. They are deflecting and soothing with an affair partner. Cheaters and those that are faithful just seem to have a different way of dealing with conflict. The betrayed and faithful may have the personality characteristics that they are willing to (and prefer) to tackle problems. They don't just give up when it gets tough or they are not getting their way. They realize that M is hard work and that their spouse ,along with themselves, is not perfect. That their spouse cannot meet all of their needs 24 hours a day. Instead of having an affair of their own or abandoning the M they buckle down.

 

I can see why that is hard to understand when different personalities and grades of character come into play.

 

If APs can forgive being thrown under the bus, having deadlines broken, sex with the MP's spouse, unexplained NC, OOM/W, "white" lies, then why can't a spouse forgive?

 

Who says that the wayward is "welcomed" back. Most times I am sure it is very difficult for the MP to have to face their deeds. They can no longer ignore issues or runaway. That can be hard for just about anyone. They have to cut contact with their enabler and I am sure that can be hard also. Some go underground but that is subhuman, cruel behavior....but AP's can forgive that too. Even when the MP has an "out" they STILL stay but take the affair underground.

 

Both AP's and BS's have to swallow some pride to love a wayward.

Edited June 11, 2013 by Journee

[grassisorisntgreener]

I didn't mean "Welcome Back" as if it wasn't a hard choice.

 

And this isn't a question that is stemmed from me worrying about a D-Day, I was simply just asking if there was anyone out there that had a D-Day and that was it, done, the end. I wasn't trying to make this about me, at all.

[So happy together]

I am thinking you do not truly love your husband or yourself and that is why its hard for you to understand what true love is-its forgiving and forever, thats why when DDay hits the BW continues to love their husband and why the husband learns to forgive themselves-because in the end, true love does conquer all-

 

 

You have no right to say that, for you do not know OP. You've no idea the circumstances that led to the affair, or much else for that matter with regard to OP. OP was simply asking a q... one which I have wondered about for a long while.

 

As for not just leaving the M on a dday, mine did. Plans to move to his city in a couple of months. We're really happy. He's happier than I've ever known him.

 

And stbxw is upset that he isn't willing to work on the marriage when he feels he tried for years to no avail.

 

In a matter of a year our lives are completely different and we are so glad. We believe in living life well and being happy. If you are unhappy in your circumstances, change them. I am super proud of my bf. He is finally doing what is best for him rather than what is best for everyone else. Nobody stops to think that if MM is taking care of everyone (pre affair) and they are all out taking care of their own needs, nobody is taking care of MM. Our happiness comes from ourselves and in us finding what truly makes us happy. That includes a partner who loves and understands us, who wants our happiness too. It just fascinates me that BS is calling my bf selfish when he has taken care of her every need for years, and he was being ignored (yeah yeah, you say I can't know that, but I do), but when he finally changed his life to a happier one, he's an ass. He's suddenly this horrible liar who can never be trusted. I trust him implicitely. We're older, his kids are raised, so it's a little different for us, not having young kids and everything that entails. It was easier for him to finally walk.

 

And I also believe that love conquers all. I've known my bf for 18 years. FINALLY it is our turn to have a true and meaningful love in our life. If BS decides to take back their unfaithful partner, I hope it works for them. But I just don't know how you do it.

[whichwayisup]

You don't know what goes on after a D-Day. You assume his BS has taken him back, with a big welcome. Chances are much greater that when she found out, she FREAKED OUT and told him to get the F out, tried to kick him out of the house and he begged for forgiveness, begged her not to kick him out, to give him a chance. Out of pure desperation and emotion, fear of losing everything and being alone.

 

Anyway, at the end of the day, people deserve second chances if they are genuinally ready to give it their best and work hard to fix things. You say you'd divorce, but after xx amount of years of marriage, children and a life built together, to just up and divorce without trying to at least fix things is not good either. For the kids sake, BOTH owe it to their kids to give it their best before throwing in the towel.

[waterwoman]

Welcome!?? Ha! Poor old H has been alternately shouted at and hugged. Alternately blamed and forgiven. I have wept, yelled, cursed, and gone for long long long walks when he had no idea where I was. I have ignored him. I have ravished him when he wasn't expecting it, I have refused sex because I hated him. He had to admit to old friends what he has done and been told he is a twat, one couple couldn't see him as the wife reckoned she wouldn't be able to resist punching him . He had to confess to his youngest sister.

 

It's not been a tiptoe through the daisies. But he's still here and OW isn't. So I guess he's prepared to put up with it. And mostly my reign of terror is over and life is getting better.

[Confused48]

I didn't mean "Welcome Back" as if it wasn't a hard choice.

 

And this isn't a question that is stemmed from me worrying about a D-Day, I was simply just asking if there was anyone out there that had a D-Day and that was it, done, the end. I wasn't trying to make this about me, at all.

Grass:

 

To answer you more specifically, yes it does happen. People do sometimes take a very hard line about this. To see worst case scenario stories for a woman in your situation just look at anything posted ever by a guy that goes by 96nole. Or this guy in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/386834-caught-wife-cheating-her-best-friend-s-husband

 

These are some examples that I think you were asking to see. However, they are not typical. Most people who think they would never take a wayward back just have not been tested. It is very tempting to try to recon with a wayward. It is very difficult too.

 

Don't fear the worst case scenario. If you come clean before being caught you will likely have a chance to recon with your H. In any case you will put an honorable end to a dishonorable episode in your life. You will be becoming the better person that you know you can become. For the key to having a second chance with your H read the post locked at the top of this section entitled "What every wayward spouse needs to know."

[BetrayedH]

nofool4you is the one poster I can recall that pretty much immediately called it quits. I think it took him about 2-3 weeks and he's about the most hard-line person here I can think of. As someone else mentioned, 96nole is another for whom it was non-negotiable. You aren't likely to find many others. Everyone says it would be a dealbreaker. Very few have such clarity on Dday.

 

You say your H would immediately be done. It's quite likely that you're wrong.

[Spark1111]

GIG, I often sense among APs that they hope for a dday as a catalyst towards divorce; that the BS will walk out the door with a suitcase of MORE courage than either AP had during the affair, and file for immediate divorce.

 

This is rarely the case.

 

As emotions explode and accusations are made, few BS will have the presence of mind to DECIDE anything for awhile as they deal with their devastation of being lied to and betrayed.

 

MY fWS and fOW talked as nauseum about divorce and all the vicious things I would plot and plan.

 

Their opinions could not have been further from the reality.

 

I wished him well, promised an amicable divorce and threw him out to be with his AP.

 

It lasted three weeks.

[underwater2010]

I have heard of it happening many times. I have also heard of the marriage ending even after a true attempt of reconciliation.

 

It shouldn't be a shock that an affair is more likely to end a marriage when it is the wife cheating. Men have been proven less likely to stay in the marriage, after their wife was screwing someone else.

[Confused48]

It shouldn't be a shock that an affair is more likely to end a marriage when it is the wife cheating. Men have been proven less likely to stay in the marriage, after their wife was screwing someone else.

 

Do you have statistics on this? I have not heard this to be true. Maybe it is, I just don't think you should say something like that unless you know it is true.

[HopingAgain]

Its not that cut and dry. I started packing WHs belongings immediately after getting confirmation he was cheating. I told him to leave and he was set to go that weekend, then the pleading and promising on his part started. And I reconsidered only under MANY stipulations that he take certain actions consistently or get the Hell out. So there is quite a tug of war going on behind the scenes many times in the decision making to stay/go.

[dichotomy]

Are there any/many women or men on here that have found out about an affair that your spouse was having and it was an absolute deal breaker? It really shocks me that most spouses aren't just "done" once they find out about an affair.

 

So yeah..just really curious as to how often the d-day leads to an instant seperation.

 

The decisions BS make to leave, stay, and/or reconcile has been discussed here before. Everyone has their reasons.

 

In my case, I called it as I saw it - an EA and a betrayal. Wife at first would not even admit wrong doing. I did some digging and thinking to make reasonably sure it was limited to EA . My condition for staying in the marriage was NC and that it was not a PA.

 

However, had it been a PA - I would have left. If I ever find new evidence it was a PA, then I would ask her to leave right now. Also I found out that she had continued talking or seeing OM after NC was issued and all our therapy - I would ask her to leave as well. But that's my situation, given what I know of wife and the OM. Everyone situation and person is different in how they deal with affairs and betrayals.

[HopingAgain]

When this question arises from the AP, wondering why BS doesn't leave after Dday, the obvious motivation seems to be "What would make YOU leave so that I can have him?" Not saying that's what you were thinking OP, but its an obvious sentiment among many OW around here. I wonder why an AP would want the MP by default only? If the only reason a MM were coming to me was because his wife THREW him out, I'd tell him to get the hell on and slam the door.

[HopingAgain]

The decisions BS make to leave, stay, and/or reconcile has been discussed here before. Everyone has their reasons.

 

In my case, I called it as I saw it - an EA and a betrayal. Wife at first would not even admit wrong doing. I did some digging and thinking to make reasonably sure it was limited to EA . My condition for staying in the marriage was NC and that it was not a PA.

 

However, had it been a PA - I would have left. If I ever find new evidence it was a PA, then I would ask her to leave right now. Also I found out that she had continued talking or seeing OM after NC was issued and all our therapy - I would ask her to leave as well. But that's my situation, given what I know of wife and the OM. Everyone situation and person is different in how they deal with affairs and betrayals.

 

In a lot of ways, I guess I think like a guy on this. Most men seem way less likely to forgive a sexual affair. My WHs almost reached that point, making out was as far as it got physically, but if it had been full blown sex it would have been over and I told him as much. He's lucky I have proof it only went as far as it did, cause I wouldn't have taken his word for it at that time!

[underwater2010]

Do you have statistics on this? I have not heard this to be true. Maybe it is, I just don't think you should say something like that unless you know it is true.

Try researching all the BS boards. You will see it to be true. What also effects this is that most women engage in exit affairs.

 

Men are more likely to be cake eaters.

[seren]

For me it was all about balance, we had been together for almost 23 years on D Day, the A had lasted 8 months, but in total time spent maybe less than a week. So, I looked at all we had weathered, shared, all the love we had shared all the times we had supported each other and at the result of our do we stay or go conversation and balanced that against what the A really was all about. I don't do denial, fairytales, excuses, nor am I a pushover or a doormat. What I was, was someone finding out from her H that he had an A and that he had ended it and wanted to stay, he also said a whole lot more as did I, but the bottom line was that he owned his actions, was honest and I looked at it all and made an informed decision to give our marriage the respect it deserved by staying and working through it. It was so not easy, for either of us. I never chose to be a BS, out of the A traingle members, I was the only one who wasn't given a choice, on D Day I took that choice and am glad I did.

 

There are so many of us who have said it would never happen to us, that our marriages were bombproof, that we knew our WS with all that we have and that we believed them when they told us there was no one else, that we were loved and that they would tell us if there was a problem. Many of us also said we would leave if there were an A, and then life bites you on the arse and all that you thought is no more, but at least there is honesty and choice.

 

I and H are so glad we are where we are today, both in location and in where we are at with us. The end of the A is the beginning for the BS and for the WS. I know that I would rather not have our relationship as it is with an A as part of its history, but it is, well maybe it is part of what was, but, we are where we chose to be despite the A and we are dammed good.

[Sadwife37]

I always thought I would be done. No questions asked - I thought I would kick him out and never look back. Even on D-Day I thought I was done. He cried and begged and pleaded and I sat stone calm saying we are done and he should have left 3 years ago when this A started. I He had lots of opportunities to leave. I questioned if he was faithful many many times and he denied denied denied. He could have waked away any time. I have never yet begged him to stay or in any way tried to make leaving difficult for him. I had full intention of delivering his belongings to OW's home. I told her to prepare for his arrival. Her H would have loved that!

 

Deciding to R and actually making it work has been unbelievably difficult. And it certainly wasn't my first impulse. My H was desperate to save his family and has worked very hard at that. I absolutely would have written us off.

[Confused48]

Try researching all the BS boards. You will see it to be true. What also effects this is that most women engage in exit affairs.

 

Men are more likely to be cake eaters.

 

No exactly a resounding fact based defense of your previous statement. Just more weak anecdotal evidence and your unfounded opinions based on conjecture. You are free to have your opinion, just don't state it as fact.

[Ninja'sHusband]

nofool4you is the one poster I can recall that pretty much immediately called it quits. I think it took him about 2-3 weeks and he's about the most hard-line person here I can think of. As someone else mentioned, 96nole is another for whom it was non-negotiable. You aren't likely to find many others. Everyone says it would be a dealbreaker. Very few have such clarity on Dday.

 

You say your H would immediately be done. It's quite likely that you're wrong.

I'm pretty sure 96 tried to R, but then found she had continued to cheat..that's when he went hardcore.

[drifter777]

nofool4you is the one poster I can recall that pretty much immediately called it quits. I think it took him about 2-3 weeks and he's about the most hard-line person here I can think of. As someone else mentioned, 96nole is another for whom it was non-negotiable. You aren't likely to find many others. Everyone says it would be a dealbreaker. Very few have such clarity on Dday.

 

You say your H would immediately be done. It's quite likely that you're wrong.

These people are my hero's and I hope to be like them when I grow up!

[96nole]

I'm pretty sure 96 tried to R' date=' but then found she had continued to cheat..[b']that's when he went hardcore.[/b]

I don't know why, but that made me laugh. Sure didn't feel like it at the time. I was a broken mess, but yep, I went hardcore.

 

The Ninja is correct. I tried to R at first as well. Looking back, it was more out of shock than anything. I also wanted to save the families. We had a long history and I didn't want that thrown away.

 

I know now that she was trickle-truthing the hell out of me. If she told me during d-day #1 that she had sex with him, I might have been done right then. But she told me they only kissed. So I tried to R. Went to counseling. Bla Bla Bla.

 

I don't know what the real truth is because cheaters aren't the most honest of people around. I don't have any solid proof, but I don't think dirtbag is the only one she had cheated with.

 

But D-day #2 is when I went "hardcore" . That morning I found out she was cheating again. That afternoon I made an appointment with my lawyer. That evening I threw her out. Then during the whole divorce process I did not do anything that would be what she wanted or would be easiest for her. I spent 8 hours in mediation fighting for a fair agreement. I have now been absolutely NC for the past 12 months. I've blocked her phone so she can't text or call. I've set any email from her to be immediately deleted so I can't see it.

 

Over the past year she made a few stupid requests to me through the lawyers. (one of which was because she was pissed I wouldn't respond to her. Hmmm, I wonder why.) The latest was a few months ago. I waited a week to respond ( just to piss her off). Hopefully my response was very clear that I don't want anything to do with her again. She's been on radio silence since. And it's been wonderful.