The pain of social media

[The Situation]

Break-ups are hard enough as it is, but I unfortunately bumped into my ex (we'd both had a few drinks and were in the same bar) for the first time in two months after we broke up, and although we spoke very briefly, it appears that she's driven herself mad by social media and all its b/s.

 

It was an on-off relationship, with elements of rebound as I had come out of a previous long-term relationship that couldn't have ended much worse.

 

The recent ex had always liked me (we'd known each other around 6 months or so), and she was there for me, and eventually made her move, which in hindsight I wish I'd rejected in order to recover properly, but being how attractive and lovely she was, plus my inexperience, I had little choice.

 

She became my therapist as I struggled to deal with my previous, long-term, cheating ex. I was devastated, but the recent ex was there for me, and as much as she tried to fix me with words and amazing sex, it was never enough to stop me drawing comparisons (she was 5 and a half years younger than me, which was well out of my comfort zone. I'm 26, she's coming up to 21), questioning everything, in addition to me not having the headspace to get to know her, no matter how much I wanted it to work and how much affection I had for her. There was always this nag in my heart that I wasn't in the right relationship, or if I was, it was the wrong time.

 

So we were on and off three times in a year and a half. After the third time, we kept in touch for four weeks until she finally gave up on my lack of reassurance that I wanted her, and told me not to contact her.

 

That's fine, I've accepted all that and the times when I really should have treated her better. It's taken two months of no contact (plus a year and a half) to fully get over the first break-up, and then the recent ex, who I still care deeply for and love a lot.

 

In order to deal with it, though, I had to remove her from all social media, because it was only prolonging the pain. Eventually I stopped checking her Twitter account and accepted that our lives were separate. I thought I'd done the responsible, correct thing for us both, not just for me.

 

So, we bump into each other a few days ago. I was extremely nervous but thought we'd have an amicable conversation and see how it went. Instead, she tells me she doesn't want to speak to me, that seeing me had ruined her day, that I'd messed her up, that I'd cut her off Facebook etc and offended her, and then she left.

 

I'd never known her to be like that. I'm a good person, was just messed up and neither of us knew better at the time than to give me space, and attempt a relationship when I was over the first one. Instead, she made me feel awful about myself, and its set me back a long way after I'd begun to discover what I wanted in life, work on my insecurities, find out who I was and indeed look forward to going on dates and eventually finding a new girlfriend.

 

Now all I want is some of her time to talk, to make peace, and even get back with her. I miss her, and love her, and want to fix things, but she won't give me the time of day and I'm really offended by it. She was always patient and reasonable with me. If she regrets cutting me off, then she needs to swallow her pride and tell me, right?

 

In time, I'd take her back. We had an incredible connection at our best, and I thoroughly believe I could spend the rest of my life with her, but what can I do when social media has in fact made things worse for her over the last two months, even though I've not actually spoken to her?

 

I was letting go, and hoping we were both forgiving each other. I certainly was. Knowing there's now animosity there has killed my progress, and it's all because of some stupid social media sites. If it was a clean break, I'm certain it would've been better. Instead, she's forgotten who I am, and that really hurts.

 

In short: will she ever forgive me for cutting her off after she wanted no contact? And why was she so offended by it? Was it unreasonable of me? I didn't want to cut those ties as I wanted to be with her and really make a go of it, but if she has regrets but won't admit to them, can I do anything to get her to speak to me? Or is it up to her?

 

Sorry for the long message, but I needed to get a lot of it down. It's been a tough, stressful year and a half. Thanks for reading if you stayed with me, and any opinions are welcome.

Edited June 11, 2013 by The Situation

[TaraMaiden]

TL; DR.

 

Stay No Contact.

Don't ask questions which can never truly be answered, honestly. Not even by her.

They're pointless.

 

It's over.

Keep going your way, don't break NC and walk to heal.

 

Best advice I can give you.

[The Situation]

Yeah, I thought that post was too long!

 

Anyway, thanks, I guess I knew the answers. It offends me that it's got so sour. I dropped her a text yesterday to apologise for the situation and help clear my conscience, but that's it. I'd progressed well until that point, and hopefully the process will be quicker this time.

 

I'm off on a two-week tour around west coast USA on Saturday, and the timing couldn't be better.

 

Thanks for the response!

[aloneinaz]

She's not mad in my opinion about the social media aspect. She's mad that you broke up with her again. I'm sure she's feeling like she was ALWAYS there for you and helped nurse you through your healing of the other ex. She's no doubt hurt and upset and is trying to move on and can't do it with contact w/you. You even stated you're not sure you want her back full time anyway and are questioning the age difference.

 

Be fair to her and leave her alone so she can move on. If you really can't, write her one last email/letter and tell her that you blew it and will always be open to conversation if/when she wants it again. Then leave her alone.

[The Situation]

Thanks for the responses, both.

 

I'm over the age gap now. I'm over the first ex. I'm over the problems I had with self-esteem. I know what I want yet her memory of me is negative.

 

I realise there is little chance of getting her back as the trust will be almost zero, but now I trust myself she'd need to give me time to prove it. She was my best friend, an incredible lover, we shared the same humour and interests. It was almost perfect, other than the timing.

 

I was at the point of acceptance last week, but seeing her again has rocked me. It was better when I pretended she didn't exist. Now I'm tearful again.

 

If we both end up regretting it, it'll happen, right?