poppins Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Hi Been married nearly 30 years - soulmates, best friends. Completely shocked when ten years ago found he had platonic relationship with girl from work, said he ended it but hadnt kept lying and eventually it did end. Then fbook relationships with women sex talk etc about 5 but never met up then completely devastated to find he had been in a full blown affair for two years with someone we both know who is twelve years older. This I found out nine months ago and my whole world has been blown apart, and my heart ripped out..all the others werent sexual so was able to 'deal' with them and move on, but this is devastating. He doesnt want her, never did, he is so full of remorse and so sorry for the hurt hes caused the whole family. We have had counselling and realised that i didnt give him or our marriage time or effort - he felt pushed away, so we worked really hard to put it right and became close again..but now find out that he lied to me as to the extent as to what went on taking her away etc he said it was the once it was loads..its all come up again. Ive tried really hard to make this work but dont feel the same about him - my gut says end it now, but my heart says one last try - what should i do
TaraMaiden Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 New Member, Welcome. first post. , Nice, brief first post. can my marriage be saved No. What's to 'save', exactly?
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 (edited) Sorry poppins, affairs are so damaging...its not something i could deal with ...one night stands ....no emotional investment.....even then... it was a logn tiem to continue ot deceive you ...the counselling should beongoing...i dotn know if you can work it out....i send hope your way because your heart resides in hope so ill send some more..... i gave an ultimatum when i found out "her or me...he chose her"....and i am glad that he did now....i dont think i would have healed otherwise...i am pretty sure it woudl have destroyed my heart more for him to stay than to leave.... what you have to decide is can you go through the really rough times....with a clean slate approach......let go of what you have to to move on adn strengthen what has been weakened which is your marriage .....keep up the counselling...are you willing to fight ......do you think your husband will stand by you even when you feel anger and betrayal ....or distrust........is he willing to put in as much effort as you?????....deb Edited June 11, 2013 by todreaminblue
Author poppins Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 thanks for reply...he wants to work at our marriage and is so ashamed and sorry for what hes done and for all the hurt. He wants to fight for us and I know on these forums it seems people can come out stronger for these 'affairs'..but i feel huge anger still and just feel what we had has gone. I dont feel the same anymore. I did confront the 'other woman' as I know her and she said she fell in love with him and she knows he doesnt feel anything for her. She said he was 'easy' as she was lonely and so all she did was find out where he was going via fbook and she would turn up and thats how it started. I had a lot going on in my life at this time and so didnt pay 'us' any attention..Cards on the table, i dont know if i have the energy or inclination to fight to save this marriage - we used to be great together, share everything, have fun and were very close - this has gone. what do you think
amaysngrace Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Is he sorry that he had an affair or sorry that you found out? If you've been married for 30 years he isn't exactly "young dumb and full of cum". He knew that his actions had consequences. Personally I think it's a dick move to blame you for his affair. What do you think?
todreaminblue Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 thanks for reply...he wants to work at our marriage and is so ashamed and sorry for what hes done and for all the hurt. He wants to fight for us and I know on these forums it seems people can come out stronger for these 'affairs'..but i feel huge anger still and just feel what we had has gone. I dont feel the same anymore. I did confront the 'other woman' as I know her and she said she fell in love with him and she knows he doesnt feel anything for her. She said he was 'easy' as she was lonely and so all she did was find out where he was going via fbook and she would turn up and thats how it started. I had a lot going on in my life at this time and so didnt pay 'us' any attention..Cards on the table, i dont know if i have the energy or inclination to fight to save this marriage - we used to be great together, share everything, have fun and were very close - this has gone. what do you think i have a never give up mentality.....and that is a flaw of mine.....it means that i kamikaze myself....in spite of the fact i get hurt..in my opinion ...if i were you...i would fight.......and fight hard ........ .some people take advantage of a never give up philosophy they allow you to do all the work and drain you of hope and motivation and spirit...i hope your husband is not this way and is willign to stand beside you like marriage should be "for better or worse"(that is my personal bias)........you both have to decide what this marriage is worth and if you cant look at him and see the reasons why you should fight.....you are going to find it hard to get back what is lost........because you cant see what is lost..so how can you find it again.......revisit the memory when you marriage was at its strongest if you can...how long ago was that....do you feel anything or are you numb....i feel for you and i hope what you really need and want becomes clear to you......and that god blesses you with the answer you need to move forward.....deb
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