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He said "You're paying on the second date."

Sweeetie

By Sweeetie
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Estate Established Member

Estate

Posted
Posted
And this was after we had agreed to a second date so it wasn't a discreet invitation to meet again! So the story is..

 

I went on a first date with a guy who I met online, last weekend. We live in different cities and he came on a 1-hour train journey to see me. I really appreciated him coming all the way so I offered to pay for both of our dinners, which he wouldn't let me do, he also bought us drinks afterwards. During the date I felt attracted to him. He wanted to kiss me goodbye but I don't kiss on the first date so he got the cheek and I hugged him.

 

After the date finished, while he was still on the train home I sent him a text saying "I had a wonderful time tonight and am looking forward to seeing you again. Thanks for travelling all the way to see me. Next time I shall do the travelling :)"

 

He replied saying "Me too :-) Yes and next time, dinner and drinks are on you too ;-)"

 

Isn't this a little rude, and also strange? I didn't ask him to pay for me on our first date, in fact I offered to pay for him, so this comment was quite unnecessary. It is something a guy would say to a male buddy, not to a girl he's dating. This guy is also quite rich and earns a lot, whereas I just finished university and have a simple casual job at the moment. Besides what is the point in insisting on paying for a girl if you tell her to pay next time- doesn't that ruin the point and isn't it against the "showing masculinity" thing?

 

This rudeness is a bit of a turn-off for me and it's scarred the good impression I had of him during our date. :sick: Should I talk to him about it?

 

He's just trying to be cheeky. He's not actually going to make you pay.

For god sake stop analysing.

  • Like 3
KungFuJoe Established Member

KungFuJoe

Posted
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It takes time to know people. There's been times where I thought this person was like this or that but it turned out to be different. Everyone deserves a fair chance. Btw a family member that I knew for years turned out has different character that I thought she had. In the end I stopped talking to her. I never knew it was coming for a long time.

 

People change, beliefs change and yes even a person's character can change.

 

Too many fish in the sea. I'm not gonna sit around and wait for someone's personality to adjust (if it's even possible) to what I consider ideal. I'll just move on and find her.

  • Like 1
RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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Are you sure?

 

How many people have told the OP that she should just overlook it because he's a guy and sometimes guys say stupid things?

 

People's bias is showing if they think rudeness should be overlooked because of their gender. Rude is rude. Tacky is tacky. The fact that so many men are given license to be rude and women are supposed to overlook it... is my point.

 

When a guy gets dumped or corrected for being rude or clueless, that is called 'feedback'.

 

I think my biggest problem with his text is this... I've always offered to pay my share since I first started dating. Everytime.

 

I've dated millionaires... and very powerful men... as well as those more humbly appointed... but still decent men nonetheless.

 

Never, not once, has any man said to me what this guy said to the OP afterward. Although, I certainly can spot an ungrateful dufus a mile away.

 

If he is feeling overextended, he can find a better way to address that without being passive-aggressive or rude...

 

A better comment from his end MIGHT have been.. "Me too!... It would be wonderful to have you come to my side of town. There are lots of places nearby in your budget."

 

Now... doesn't that sound a lot better?? Makes the same point without the resentful tone.

  • Like 1
Estate Established Member

Estate

Posted
Posted
How many people have told the OP that she should just overlook it because he's a guy and sometimes guys say stupid things?

 

People's bias is showing if they think rudeness should be overlooked because of their gender. Rude is rude. Tacky is tacky. The fact that so many men are given license to be rude and women are supposed to overlook it... is my point.

 

When a guy gets dumped or corrected for being rude or clueless, that is called 'feedback'.

 

I think my biggest problem with his text is this... I've always offered to pay my share since I first started dating. Everytime.

 

I've dated millionaires... and very powerful men... as well as those more humbly appointed... but still decent men nonetheless.

 

Never, not once, has any man said to me what this guy said to the OP afterward. Although, I certainly can spot an ungrateful dufus a mile away.

 

If he is feeling overextended, he can find a better way to address that without being passive-aggressive or rude...

 

A better comment from his end MIGHT have been.. "Me too!... It would be wonderful to have you come to my side of town. There are lots of places nearby in your budget."

 

Now... doesn't that sound a lot better?? Makes the same point without the resentful tone.

 

Being rude is NOT ok.

 

But this guy was just trying to be a little cheeky since she offered to pay, maybe he'll get her to next time...

Honestly, the way he phrased it sucked... instead of coming off as cheeky and making her smile and go "haha, yeah right...!", the wording sounded bad...

He was making a joke after he had a good time taking her out and he just didn't really calibrate it well... it wasn't rude.

KungFuJoe Established Member

KungFuJoe

Posted
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Even if he wasn't being rude, he has a weird sense of humor.

 

All I know is that if a girl said that to me after a date, I would definitely think she was a bit weird.

  • Like 1
musemaj11 Established Member

musemaj11

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A smart man never asks a woman to pay on a date.

 

If you want to test a woman, just dont say anything and see whether she will voluntarily pick up the check because a good woman will have a sense of reciprocity anyway even as early as the first date. If she doesnt and you dont like it, simply pay and never see her again. Easy.

 

Saying something about paying to a woman is just gonna make yourself look bad.

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InsaneTrombone Established Member

InsaneTrombone

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Let me ask you this. What say you if he allowed you to pay for the first date? Do we get another thread saying 'I offered to pay on the first date and he let me?'

 

It sounded like he was being playful to me.

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TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

Posted
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This is absurd. He put a smilie face after the statement. He was clearly trying to be funny, and to acknowledge the fact that she offered to pay.

 

I can't believe people are overanalyzing it to this point. I can't believe the OP is overanalyzing it to this point.

 

Good lord, people. The man may lack some tact, or have said something not entirely "socially acceptable", but guess what? A lot of humor has those traits.

 

People's bias is showing if they think rudeness should be overlooked because of their gender. Rude is rude. Tacky is tacky.

 

Umm...no. Rudeness and tackiness, like most other things, are contextual and situational, and often in the eye of the beholder.

 

I think my biggest problem with his text is this... I've always offered to pay my share since I first started dating. Everytime.

 

I've dated millionaires... and very powerful men... as well as those more humbly appointed... but still decent men nonetheless.

 

Never, not once, has any man said to me what this guy said to the OP afterward. Although, I certainly can spot an ungrateful dufus a mile away.

 

So your biggest problem with this is that you personally haven't encountered this particular phrase in your own personal dating life?

 

O...k.

 

How is he being ungrateful? HE paid. It seems to be HER who is picking apart a stupid little text message after he traveled to see her AND paid.

 

A better comment from his end MIGHT have been.. "Me too!... It would be wonderful to have you come to my side of town. There are lots of places nearby in your budget."

 

No, because that would assume he knows her budget. Which I would imagine he doesn't. And which, at this point in their relationship (early), is really none of his business.

 

Now... doesn't that sound a lot better?? Makes the same point without the resentful tone.

 

No. It really doesn't. It sounds a little bit elitist and assumptive, actually.

 

Resentful tone? Which one? The resentful tone that was accompanied with a winking smilie?

  • Like 8
Tinie Established Member

Tinie

Posted
Posted

I'd chalk it up to a joke gone wrong. At least that's what it seemed to me when I first read it. I've sent really lame jokes to people with smiley faces, mostly because I didn't think they could be misinterpreted before I sent them. Oops.

 

HOWEVER. Whoever said something about rich people not willing to pay, etc etc, something to that extent, I disagree completely. Guys have always been quick to pay for me without fail (even though I'm practically having a tug-o-war with them over the receipt haha!). I remember a guy taking me to all these expensive restaurants where I'd need all my monthly savings to afford meals for the both of us (I'm a student and I live with my parents lol. I don't have time for a decent job). He'd always pay, no matter if I protested. He said, I make more than you do, I picked the restaurant so I pay. I'm aware that this is out of your budget, and I'll be picking up the bill.

 

He's done that every time without fail.

 

A guy who cares about a girl isn't going to get all stingy with his money. If he doesn't want to spend so much, he should pick a cheaper place or just not date. If the girl has any class, she'll offer to pay unless it's way out of her budget. His joke was lame and tacky.

SoulJazzBlues Established Member

SoulJazzBlues

Posted
Posted
This is absurd. He put a smilie face after the statement. He was clearly trying to be funny, and to acknowledge the fact that she offered to pay.

 

I can't believe people are overanalyzing it to this point. I can't believe the OP is overanalyzing it to this point.

 

Good lord, people. The man may lack some tact, or have said something not entirely "socially acceptable", but guess what? A lot of humor has those traits.

 

Resentful tone? Which one? The resentful tone that was accompanied with a winking smilie?

 

Cosign your entire post. She had a great time but one text is Aparantly outweighing his overall attitude and behaviour.

  • Like 1
Xinreeki Established Member

Xinreeki

Posted
Posted (edited)

I agree that in this case it most likely is a joke gone wrong, and I agree that noone should be "expected" to pay on a date. Because as soon as expectations creep into dating and people feel under pressure to "put on an act" and not be themselves, then eventually its all going to fall apart anyway, because they very likely won't be able to keep up that act indefinitely, and even if they can keep it up for sometime the resentment in them will just continue to build up until it reaches critical levels.. :(

 

So OP again I say, it is completely up to you whether you continue to date this guy or not, but if it was me I would give him the benefit of the doubt in this case. :)

 

And if you are in financial difficulties yourself and aren't able to pay for dates, then it is only fair that you tell him such, so that if he has a problem paying you can arrange to have dates somewhere much cheaper or even just meet up and have fun for free! :)

 

Because it is possible to have a fun date where no money is involved! Most of the best dates I've had have been free / very cheap ones! :p So dating doesn't have to be expensive for either person involved if you don't want it to be. :)

 

Best of luck! :)

Edited by Xinreeki
skydiveaddict Established Member

skydiveaddict

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

After the date finished, while he was still on the train home I sent him a text saying "I had a wonderful time tonight and am looking forward to seeing you again. Thanks for travelling all the way to see me. Next time I shall do the travelling :)"

 

He replied saying "Me too :-) Yes and next time, dinner and drinks are on you too ;-)"

 

Isn't this a little rude, and also strange?

 

Yes I think so. I think it's strange for a man to ever ask a girl to pay for a date. It's very effeminate tbh

Edited by skydiveaddict
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Sweeetie Established Member

Sweeetie

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Posted (edited)

It is great to see so many postings on a thread that I started. I want to re-iterate that this is not a gender argument at all; had I posted this thread on another forum with the same words except pretending to be a man talking about a woman this time, the same responses would have been obtained save for the sexist comments against women. People are using this thread to have an argument about a different matter which exists in the world but which is not applicable to this thread.

 

The problem is not the fact that I do not want to pay on the second date. As I said earlier, I paid for my ex-boyfriend 90% of the time and showered him with bought gifts despite him never doing these things. On all the first dates i have ever been on apart from with this guy and with someone I met earlier this year, i have literally put my side of the cash in front of the guy when he does not let me pay. I am not that kind of woman who believes the man should do everything. The problem is that it is simply not right for someone to literally tell someone else to pay. And that, at such an early stage where you're trying to show your best side to someone you are trying to impress, brings with it red flags. You don't make a joke like that.

 

It is like, someone makes you a batch of cookies, gives it to you, then you send them a thank you and appreciative text after they go home and they reply with "you are going to bake me a cake tomorrow ;)". That might have been what you were planning to do for them anyway, but this message defeats the sweet gesture completely and makes you think "ah so that's why you made me the cookies."

 

The whole reason why he paid, whether to impress me or to just show his manly side, has now gone completely out the window for this comment, and I respect him less. It ruined the gratitude and awe I had for him because he literally told me to do the same for him (not that I wouldn't have anyway).

 

But I thought I would get to know who he is a little bit more. The man and I have arranged a 2nd date, for this weekend. I am travelling to his hometown and we are going for dinner there, he chose a restaurant there which he said is "average-priced" (I asked him if it was an expensive place to just see if he was being serious).

Edited by Sweeetie
Typo
  • Like 2
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
May I bring your attention to the fact that I offered to pay for him on our first date. I even took the cheque first and he reached over across the table and grabbed it from me.

 

Late entry into the thread and I haven't read any of the posts.

 

I will often do this when on the first date she offers to pay all or part of the check, as a segue into a second date, by saying "no, I'll get this one, you can pay for the next one." In which she responds "ok, sounds good :)" with a chuckle. We might even talk about what we'd like to do next for a second date. It's a good casual no-pressure transition that makes the girl feel comfortable about me paying for her, while I can expressly suggest my desire for a second date.

 

In my feeble little mind, I think the lesson here isn't the paying part, but the fact that he texted this and the message was misconstrued. Lesson for the guys is, stop texting so much.

  • Like 1
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Sweeetie Established Member

Sweeetie

Posted
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Late entry into the thread and I haven't read any of the posts.

 

I will often do this when on the first date she offers to pay all or part of the check, as a segue into a second date, by saying "no, I'll get this one, you can pay for the next one." In which she responds "ok, sounds good :)" with a chuckle. We might even talk about what we'd like to do next for a second date. It's a good casual no-pressure transition that makes the girl feel comfortable about me paying for her, while I can expressly suggest my desire for a second date.

 

In my feeble little mind, I think the lesson here isn't the paying part, but the fact that he texted this and the message was misconstrued. Lesson for the guys is, stop texting so much.

 

Thanks for your post, but if you read the first line in the first opening post I made to start the thread, my first sentence was that this was after we had organised a second date. That's why I put it there; it was nothing to do with that.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
Thanks for your post, but if you read the first line in the first opening post I made to start the thread, my first sentence was that this was after we had organised a second date. That's why I put it there; it was nothing to do with that.

 

I can't believe I completely missed that. :o

 

Point still stands. Guys, stop texting so damn much. You can't convey tone.

  • Like 2
starrynightz45 Established Member

starrynightz45

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That's REALLY rude and tacky. It's not even a matter of masculinity/who pays yadda yadda. You just don't come out and SAY things like that.

 

He paid on the first date. If we really wanted to get to know you more, yo uguys would set up a second date, meet up, and then you would have offered to pay. Whether or not he knew you would offer/not offer, it's still totally impolite. I mean, worst case scenario: when you met up for the 2nd date and assuming you made no move to offer to pay, THEN he could have casually mentioned "Hey maybe you could get this, etc." But to text it like that? Seems rude. I'd be totally turned off.

 

It would be the same if you paid the first time and the followed up by texting him that. It's just socially inept. And I think the smiley face was just an attempt to make it sound like it's a "hardy har har" joke, when it's really not at all.

 

You coudl talk to him to about it or move on. But I wouldn't meet up with him again without mentioning it. Just think - if he's that tactless on first date, where will things be on the 10th date?

  • Like 1
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Sweeetie Established Member

Sweeetie

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That's REALLY rude and tacky. It's not even a matter of masculinity/who pays yadda yadda. You just don't come out and SAY things like that.

 

He paid on the first date. If we really wanted to get to know you more, yo uguys would set up a second date, meet up, and then you would have offered to pay. Whether or not he knew you would offer/not offer, it's still totally impolite. I mean, worst case scenario: when you met up for the 2nd date and assuming you made no move to offer to pay, THEN he could have casually mentioned "Hey maybe you could get this, etc." But to text it like that? Seems rude. I'd be totally turned off.

 

It would be the same if you paid the first time and the followed up by texting him that. It's just socially inept. And I think the smiley face was just an attempt to make it sound like it's a "hardy har har" joke, when it's really not at all.

 

You coudl talk to him to about it or move on. But I wouldn't meet up with him again without mentioning it. Just think - if he's that tactless on first date, where will things be on the 10th date?

 

Exactly. He has not done a lot to lead me to think he is boyfriend material to be honest. I'll see how the next date goes, I doubt we will get together eventually.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
Just think - if he's that tactless on first date, where will things be on the 10th date?

 

"I really like that yacht. You're paying. ;)"

  • Like 1
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Sweeetie Established Member

Sweeetie

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"I really like that yacht. You're paying. ;)"

 

LOL that cracked me up!! :laugh:

escafeld Established Member

escafeld

Posted
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Uh, having lived in an Asian country for 20 years, I assure you that this guy's comment would have been the ultimate death knell for him, winky face or no winky face. The only women who might be potentially okay with it ARE Western women, or more specifically, women in a Western culture.

 

Can I ask why you wouldnt be ok with or take it as the tongue in cheek joke it was obviously meant as?

  • Like 1
escafeld Established Member

escafeld

Posted
Posted
Exactly. He has not done a lot to lead me to think he is boyfriend material to be honest. I'll see how the next date goes, I doubt we will get together eventually.

 

Take your chequebook ;)

 

Ps..the little winky thing suggests I was joking!

Estate Established Member

Estate

Posted
Posted

This thread is everything that's wrong with dating.... it's 9 pages long now!?!?!

It's a total none issue... be tried to be funny, he's wasn't really funny, so what????

 

I've done SIMILAR things before and it was fine.

 

If a girl offered to buy me a drink, I'll often say I'll get it and cheekily say "you can get the next one ;)"

I've joked about girls chosing the next date or venue or things like that.

 

 

The point is the girls ALWAYS knew I was playing about and they played along, one girls actually DID take me on a pub crawl because I was joking that she's have to show me around town when I was new there.

 

This guys was faced with not timing his joke well and meeting and overly prude woman to turn this into a 9 page thread. He doesn't expect her to pay, he made a joke, it wasn't funny, that's his only crime.

 

Newsflash!!! Men make dumb jokes... ALOT!!!... if you can't handle that, don't date them.

  • Like 3
escafeld Established Member

escafeld

Posted
Posted
May I bring your attention to the fact that I offered to pay for him on our first date. I even took the cheque first and he reached over across the table and grabbed it from me.

 

So this thread is not about "He should always pay, he's the guy!". It's about "Why did he tell me to pay next time when he rejected my offer this time- what was he trying to prove?"

 

He's trying to prove whether you share his irreverent sense of humour.

 

If you're able to get the 'joke' it's an indicator of whether you're likely to get on in the future on a superficial level.

  • Like 1
starrynightz45 Established Member

starrynightz45

Posted
Posted

Really? A joke? That is a pretty lame, poorly timed, poorly worded, ineffective joke.

 

And, more importantly, it was not a joke.

  • Like 1
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