He said "You're paying on the second date."

[Art_Critic]

I took it more as him saying that no, you aren't going to pick up the first check (he is), but you're going to pick up the second one.

 

 

I think he was trying to be flirty, and it just backfired a little.

 

You have every right not to see him again. I, personally, would just pick up the bill next time if I liked him enough to see him again. But that is just MY reaction.

 

I agree with this, I think he stumbled some..

 

It is common for guys to just say "you pick up the next lunch" when we go out with our buds or guy coworkers..

 

I think he just got mixed up and said something in the text that was meant more for if he was going out with his buds.

[SoulJazzBlues]

Wait, I missed the part where he said you had to come see him next time. If he said that, then hell no. Next.

 

Now, if he came to see you again, then I would consider his original message to be awkward, but still flirty, and I'd pay for him next time and see if I liked him. If he kept up with the awkwardness, though, then no.

 

No. She offered to see him next time in her text that she initiated to thank him.

 

I feel like we're not getting the entire conversation between them. This is always a problem.

[xxoo]

Text back: Is McDonalds ok?

 

 

It has a winkie-face; he should know you are joking. But there is a message there, too. You seriously can't afford to spend on him the way he spent on you.

[Kamille]

If I liked him and felt that, throughout the date, he was genuine and interesting, I would let the comment slide. Actually, I would probably respond with something like: "Water and pizza slices it is then !" (And then I'd make sure I offer to take him out to a better restaurant that is in my budget, just in case).

 

Basically: it is potentially an attempt at humor. You're allowed to respond with humor.

[Art_Critic]

But again, this guy is better off finding a woman who won't question his every motive.

 

It was a date, I don't think she is questioning his every motive.

 

There were tons of things that had happened on that evening that she didn't question, including letting him pay.

 

She questioned on an anonymous internet forum something she was confused about that he said in a text message, she certainly didn't confront him and say bad things about him, in fact she said she was attracted to him and wanted a second date.

[Kamille]

Text back: Is McDonalds ok?

 

 

It has a winkie-face; he should know you are joking. But there is a message there, too. You seriously can't afford to spend on him the way he spent on you.

 

I was writing my response while xxoo was writing hers. Great minds think alike .

[Sweeetie]

I should mention something here; in my last relationship, where I was a student and my ex was in a well-paid job, I treated him 90% of the times we went out. I also showered him with gifts. It is because I like to do things for people who are special to me. I was not special to him at all; he never offered to pay any of the times except for Valentine's Day.

[Kamille]

I should mention something here; in my last relationship, where I was a student and my ex was in a well-paid job, I treated him 90% of the times we went out. I also showered him with gifts. It is because I like to do things for people who are special to me. I was not special to him at all; he never offered to pay any of the times.

 

So make sure you keep things more balanced this time.

 

Question though: did you at any point in the date with this recent guy mention this fact?

[Sweeetie]

Only you can tell if this was a bit if an awkward jokey text or if he's a bit bitter around money and dating.

 

 

Yes, This guy has been single for 4 years and said he didn't have a big social life at university, he is someone who keeps himself to himself. So I think he has forgotten how to treat women.

 

I found that text rude, and unnecessary.

 

It would cause me anxiety if I were in your shoes, because traveling to wherever he is, probably means he will be choosing where to eat, and I would worry it would be outside my budget, especially if he is wealthy, because he probably wouldn't consider what you could actually afford.

 

If you do consider going, maybe you can google the area and choose a place you would like to go, that you know you can afford, and then let him know. This way it shows that you are taking his text seriously with regard footing the bill, but also gives you piece of mind. If he doesn't like your suggestion, he might quickly change his mind about you paying.

 

Thanks for the advice, I will do that if I decide to go. But I can't believe that a girl would need to think of these things and plan ahead for the second date- the guy should be making the girl feel comfortable and special at this early stage, not making her look inside her wallet to see if she can afford something.

 

Wait, I missed the part where he said you had to come see him next time. If he said that, then hell no. Next.

 

Now, if he came to see you again, then I would consider his original message to be awkward, but still flirty, and I'd pay for him next time and see if I liked him. If he kept up with the awkwardness, though, then no.

 

Yes. I said "Next time I will do the travelling. " and his reply was: "Yes. And food and drinks are also on you. ;-)"

 

I agree with this, I think he stumbled some..

 

It is common for guys to just say "you pick up the next lunch" when we go out with our buds or guy coworkers..

 

I think he just got mixed up and said something in the text that was meant more for if he was going out with his buds.

 

Exactly! It makes me feel that he regards me as more of a buddy than a girl he is dating! That was the first time we even saw each other in person. I attribute it to him being single for 4 years, however when you are trying to impress a girl- quite unimpressive. Not worth my time.

 

No. She offered to see him next time in her text that she initiated to thank him.

 

I feel like we're not getting the entire conversation between them. This is always a problem.

 

Direct quote from my texts: I said "Next time I shall do the travelling. " and his reply was: "Yep, and food and drinks are also on you. ;-)"

 

 

So make sure you keep things more balanced this time.

 

Question though: did you at any point in the date with this recent guy mention this fact?

 

No, I never talk about my ex while on a date with a new guy.

 

 

All in all, I am confused- this guy extended the date as much as he could (he stayed for 4 hours and got the last train back), he wanted to kiss me at the end, and yet he spoke to me as if I am just a male buddy- weird. Perhaps it's best for me to not get involved with him.

[Kamille]

 

All in all, I am confused- this guy extended the date as much as he could (he stayed for 4 hours and got the last train back), he wanted to kiss me at the end, and yet he spoke to me as if I am just a male buddy- weird. Perhaps it's best for me to not get involved with him.

 

The "male buddy" is one potential explanation for the comment. Another is that he was trying to make a joke that backfired. Yet another is that he is actually serious.

 

But, to me, it sounds like you are looking for reasons to feel anxious about this, in spite of the fact that there is no way for you or us to know for sure which of the explanations is the right one. Are you sure you're ready to date?

[Sweeetie]

The "male buddy" is one potential explanation for the comment. Another is that he was trying to make a joke that backfired. Yet another is that he is actually serious.

 

But, to me, it sounds like you are looking for reasons to feel anxious about this, in spite of the fact that there is no way for you or us to know for sure which of the explanations is the right one. Are you sure you're ready to date?

 

Yes I am ready to date and I have been dating a bit; it has been a year since my ex and I split. I met another guy on this dating site a few months ago who was only after a casual fling whereas I wanted a relationship so it didn't work.

[Kamille]

Yes I am ready to date and I have been dating a bit; it has been a year since my ex and I split. I met another guy on this dating site a few months ago who was only after a casual fling whereas I wanted a relationship so it didn't work.

 

Good! Then why not go on a second date with this guy and see how things unfold? If it turns out, over the course of a few dates, that he always expects you to make all the financial and time sacrifices, you can politely say that it was great meeting him, but that he is not what you're looking for. If, on the other hand, it becomes clear he was only joking when he made that comment, you will have your answer.

 

In other words, you're allowed to prioritize your well-being. Which means you can, at all times (even now if you really think this is a bad sign), walk away from dating him.

[Treasa]

I should mention something here; in my last relationship, where I was a student and my ex was in a well-paid job, I treated him 90% of the times we went out. I also showered him with gifts. It is because I like to do things for people who are special to me. I was not special to him at all; he never offered to pay any of the times except for Valentine's Day.

 

Let me stop you at "I'm my last relationship." This is a different guy. New situation.

 

I would use the humor approach, like the others suggested.

 

My very first response was going to be, "Ok, but you better put out at the end of the night."

 

But one of you might have taken that too seriously.

[Treasa]

If you really can't afford it, tell him he can pick for you to either come visit him, or for you to pay, but not both.

 

Don't offer to pay for things in the future unless you can comfortably afford them.

[Drseussgrrl]

I think people really need to learn the real definition of "gold digger" and "prostitute". Neither have anything to do with getting a free steak and a diet coke on a date a dude asked you out on.

 

Jesus.

[Xinreeki]

You may have a point with this specific situation, but the larger overarching point is that this is just a single example of the 92,374 deal-breakers western women carry around to club men over the head with. Then they wonder "where are all the good men at?" and "why can't I find anyone?"

 

It's less about the specific issue of who pays, and more about the OP's extreme reaction and inherent distrust to the point where she'd discard a rich guy who paid for her stuff, just for probably joking that he might not pay next time. There's a word for this -- impossible.

 

I never do get this line of reasoning...

 

If someone has such impossible standards and expectations of you, then don't date them, as it doesn't seem they are worth the hassle of dating anyway, in my eyes.

 

Much better to date someone who meets YOUR standards and expectations. Much better to date someone who is compatible with YOU. And if it becomes apparent that someone's standards and expectations of you are too high, too unreasonable, then don't date them. Simple really.

 

As for the OP's situation. I would give the guy another chance in this case. As he clearly cares about you to have traveled such a long way to meet you. And the comment may well have just been a brief moment of social unsmoothness (as Imajerk17 suggested).

 

But at the end of the day it is your decision. I think Elswyth said it best though -

 

 

Going to give you the stock answer that I give to all of these: If you feel his style isn't for you, you have every right to choose not to date him.

 

Personally, I do feel his comment was kinda out of place - I've never had a guy who was romantically interested in me say that to me, ever. But there are some people who enjoy this sort of blunt straightforwardness, and in his case it might have been a case of poorly-chosen humour. The fact that he had taken a 1-hour train journey to see you suggests that he is probably interested in you, though.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best!

 

(I did type this out before, but seems I didn't upload it properly.. Oops )

[RedRobin]

This is why I suggest that early dates are free or very cheap. Lots of things to do that don't require anyone to pay.

 

To your question, OP. He's not terribly diplomatic. Kind of a buzz kill. You tell him you had a great time and gratitude... and he kills the mood with a weak "me too", followed by a long string of words designed to do what exactly???

 

For me, this isn't about his desire (joking or serious) about you paying next time. That's just the details.

 

No... to me it's about taking the sentiment and good feelings you had for him and returning it with something that feels...hmm... (at a loss for words here)... transactional... resentful.... not sure. Definitely would put me off.

 

empathy, gratitude, and ability to delay gratification. Three top criteria for me. Especially gratitude. That is what you were missing before... so I don't blame you that this text put you off...

 

Also... an hour train ride is quite a long haul. I wouldn't agree to seeing someone that far away. My bet is that when he didn't get his on the mouth kiss on the first date, he was doing the math that he wasn't going to get laid as soon as he'd like and is now hedging his bets... maybe even a bit resentful for going all that way and kicking himself for paying... you can bet he's probably going to act like a pouty little boy in other areas too.

 

BUT... I could be wrong... Pretend he has nothing but the best intentions and see what happens. Go on a couple more dates and see how he does.

[miss_jaclynrae]

It's tacky and I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think about it like this, if I asked a guy out and payed for the first date I would NEVER say something like that back, winky face or not. Through text too? Bleh, it's just flat out tasteless in my book.

[Treasa]

It's tacky and I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think about it like this, if I asked a guy out and payed for the first date I would NEVER say something like that back, winky face or not. Through text too? Bleh, it's just flat out tasteless in my book.

 

Now that I'm not making breakfast, lunch, getting ready for work, etc., and can actually think about this, I agree.

 

It's tacky to tell someone that they're paying for something.

 

I also wouldn't take an hour-long train to visit someone unless I knew them really well.

 

This has nothing to do with genders, either. He didn't have to travel to visit you.

[crude]

As always, it's a question of whether you believe in equality or you believe "masculinity" is synonymous with being a chump who lets women take advantage of him. I thought it was traditional for a man to pay for the 1st date, then it became the first few, then it became the early stages of a relationship, then it became a man should always pay, but I do nice things for him like bake cookies. A guy has to draw the line somewhere. The OP sounds like a great person being sucked into the orbit of the evil women who think it's a man's duty to pay for everything like a schmuck. What's wrong with 2 people taking turns treating the other? If the man in this case is affluent, his dates can be expensive, while the woman's can be simpler and much cheaper. Every outing doesn't have to be expensive, but the idea that she should never pay for anything because he has more money isn't right either. How many rich women would be thrilled with a man who expected her to always pay for everything. The name calling would reach a fever pitch on LS.

[Treasa]

What's wrong with 2 people taking turns treating the other? If the man in this case is affluent, his dates can be expensive, while the woman's can be simpler and much cheaper.

 

Nothing is wrong with it, but it's still super tacky to say "Next time you're paying," and I think it's tacky regardless of which gender says it, and I don't see why a man necessarily pays for more than a woman does. If all other things, like income, are equal (I know in this case they aren't), then it's silly to say that that's always the case.

 

I often spend just as much on a guy as he does on me. No, wait...I usually spend more. Because I make more, and can afford to do it.

 

That being said, continue on with your anti-female protests.

[Drseussgrrl]

Nothing is wrong with it, but it's still super tacky to say "Next time you're paying," and I think it's tacky regardless of which gender says it, and I don't see why a man necessarily pays for more than a woman does. If all other things, like income, are equal (I know in this case they aren't), then it's silly to say that that's always the case.

 

I often spend just as much on a guy as he does on me. No, wait...I usually spend more. Because I make more, and can afford to do it.

 

That being said, continue on with your anti-female protests.

 

Yeah, because the first thing I'm thinking when a cute boy treats me to dinner is, "How much more can I squeeze outta this poor sap."

 

LOL

[Treasa]

Yeah, because the first thing I'm thinking when a cute boy treats me to dinner is, "How much more can I squeeze outta this poor sap."

 

LOL

 

You're a bad, bad person! So selfish.

 

I'm usually thinking, "I hope I get home in time to work out before I go to bed."

[miss_jaclynrae]

Nothing is wrong with it, but it's still super tacky to say "Next time you're paying," and I think it's tacky regardless of which gender says it, and I don't see why a man necessarily pays for more than a woman does. If all other things, like income, are equal (I know in this case they aren't), then it's silly to say that that's always the case.

 

I often spend just as much on a guy as he does on me. No, wait...I usually spend more. Because I make more, and can afford to do it.

 

That being said, continue on with your anti-female protests.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeppppppppp.

It has nothing to do with her not wanting to pay or expecting him to, it's the fact that he felt it was "flirty" to automatically make her feel like HE was expecting her too. Maybe that wasn't what he meant, but that is how it came off, and it's just TACKY.

 

 

I am sure if it was the other way around and the woman said that some of you men would still make her out to be a money hungry ho. Lol

The fact of the matter is that he said something that I as a HUMAN wouldnt say unless I knew the person really well and knew it wouldn't be misconstrued.

[Treasa]

Yeppppppppp.

It has nothing to do with her not wanting to pay or expecting him to, it's the fact that he felt it was "flirty" to automatically make her feel like HE was expecting her too. Maybe that wasn't what he meant, but that is how it came off, and it's just TACKY.

 

 

I am sure if it was the other way around and the woman said that some of you men would still make her out to be a money hungry ho. Lol

The fact of the matter is that he said something that I as a HUMAN wouldnt say unless I knew the person really well and knew it wouldn't be misconstrued.

 

Yep. I totally agree with this.

 

Sorry, not feeling too eloquent today.