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He said "You're paying on the second date."

Sweeetie

By Sweeetie
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Sweeetie Established Member

Sweeetie

Posted
Posted

And this was after we had agreed to a second date so it wasn't a discreet invitation to meet again! So the story is..

 

I went on a first date with a guy who I met online, last weekend. We live in different cities and he came on a 1-hour train journey to see me. I really appreciated him coming all the way so I offered to pay for both of our dinners, which he wouldn't let me do, he also bought us drinks afterwards. During the date I felt attracted to him. He wanted to kiss me goodbye but I don't kiss on the first date so he got the cheek and I hugged him.

 

After the date finished, while he was still on the train home I sent him a text saying "I had a wonderful time tonight and am looking forward to seeing you again. Thanks for travelling all the way to see me. Next time I shall do the travelling :)"

 

He replied saying "Me too :-) Yes and next time, dinner and drinks are on you too ;-)"

 

Isn't this a little rude, and also strange? I didn't ask him to pay for me on our first date, in fact I offered to pay for him, so this comment was quite unnecessary. It is something a guy would say to a male buddy, not to a girl he's dating. This guy is also quite rich and earns a lot, whereas I just finished university and have a simple casual job at the moment. Besides what is the point in insisting on paying for a girl if you tell her to pay next time- doesn't that ruin the point and isn't it against the "showing masculinity" thing?

 

This rudeness is a bit of a turn-off for me and it's scarred the good impression I had of him during our date. :sick: Should I talk to him about it?

  • Like 1
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Going to give you the stock answer that I give to all of these: If you feel his style isn't for you, you have every right to choose not to date him.

 

Personally, I do feel his comment was kinda out of place - I've never had a guy who was romantically interested in me say that to me, ever. But there are some people who enjoy this sort of blunt straightforwardness, and in his case it might have been a case of poorly-chosen humour. The fact that he had taken a 1-hour train journey to see you suggests that he is probably interested in you, though.

CryForNoOne Established Member

CryForNoOne

Posted
Posted

;-) means he was being coy and maybe not serious about it. I didn't interpret it as him "demanding" you treat next time. He certainly is putting it out there but jokingly at that, and may also be doing it to play a little hard to get and not seem desperate. Afterall he already travelled and treated for everything...

  • Like 7
ChessPieceFace Established Member

ChessPieceFace

Posted
Posted

Good to know dating western women is still a minefield nearly impossible to navigate. 1 mistake and you are discarded, even if you're rich, pay for everything and travel 2 hours to meet someone.

  • Like 8
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
Good to know dating western women is still a minefield nearly impossible to navigate. 1 mistake and you are discarded, even if you're rich, pay for everything and travel 2 hours to meet someone.

 

Uh, having lived in an Asian country for 20 years, I assure you that this guy's comment would have been the ultimate death knell for him, winky face or no winky face. The only women who might be potentially okay with it ARE Western women, or more specifically, women in a Western culture.

  • Like 4
sillyanswer Established Member

sillyanswer

Posted
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I thought he was teasing, but maybe not.

 

There's a giant thread somewhere nearby about who pays... maybe it'll contain advice for you.

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Sweeetie Established Member

Sweeetie

Posted
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May I bring your attention to the fact that I offered to pay for him on our first date. I even took the cheque first and he reached over across the table and grabbed it from me.

 

So this thread is not about "He should always pay, he's the guy!". It's about "Why did he tell me to pay next time when he rejected my offer this time- what was he trying to prove?"

ChessPieceFace Established Member

ChessPieceFace

Posted
Posted
Uh, having lived in an Asian country for 20 years, I assure you that this guy's comment would have been the ultimate death knell for him, winky face or no winky face. The only women who might be potentially okay with it ARE Western women, or more specifically, women in a Western culture.

 

You may have a point with this specific situation, but the larger overarching point is that this is just a single example of the 92,374 deal-breakers western women carry around to club men over the head with. Then they wonder "where are all the good men at?" and "why can't I find anyone?"

 

It's less about the specific issue of who pays, and more about the OP's extreme reaction and inherent distrust to the point where she'd discard a rich guy who paid for her stuff, just for probably joking that he might not pay next time. There's a word for this -- impossible.

  • Like 1
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Yes, OP, I get that.

 

Unfortunately, that is not an answer that you can get from a forum and a text message. There are a myriad of possibilities, most of which you need to get to know him better before knowing which ones apply. However, if you feel he was being rude and you don't feel any desire to get to know him better based on that, your prerogative.

  • Like 1
aussie sam Member

aussie sam

Posted
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I think it was just him trying to keep things playful. It's his way of saying that he will let you pay next time if you want (not a demand).

  • Like 1
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Sweeetie Established Member

Sweeetie

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
;-) means he was being coy and maybe not serious about it.

 

I interpreted it as him putting in the wink just to not make it sound too serious/cold; the alternative would be "Food and drinks are on you next time." Which would be enough to put a girl off.

 

The point here is, a man offers to pay for a woman to show his masculinity and impress her. And why bother doing that if he tells her to pay next time. It defeats the purpose.

Edited by Sweeetie
Sunshine87 Established Member

Sunshine87

Posted
Posted
The only women who might be potentially okay with it ARE Western women, or more specifically, women in a Western culture.

 

True. I currently live in an African country although I am a citizen of and went to school in the UK and travel Europe frequently. So I have experienced both cultures. This would be a huge turn off for African women. However, I don't think you should cut him off solely because of this. Could it be that he is wary of women "taking advantage" of him because of his wealth?

 

Some rich men tend to feel very paranoid about women dating them for

their money and find it difficult to weed the good from the bad. Plus, since he insisted on paying, he might be testing you....who knows?

 

Or if you pay for the second date, he might insist on paying for all other dates. Who knows?

 

You know very little about his background and his generosity or lack of. So I wouldn't rule him out solely on this text. If I were you, ild go out on the second date AND the third date, to gauge the situation accurately iorder to make an informed decision.

 

I understand your worries. But don't over think. Give it two more dates at least.

Best wishes.

  • Like 1
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Sweeetie Established Member

Sweeetie

Posted
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Posted (edited)
True. I currently live in an African country although I am a citizen of and went to school in the UK and travel Europe frequently. So I have experienced both cultures. This would be a huge turn off for African women. However, I don't think you should cut him off solely because of this. Could it be that he is wary of women "taking advantage" of him because of his wealth?

 

Some rich men tend to feel very paranoid about women dating them for

their money and find it difficult to weed the good from the bad. Plus, since he insisted on paying, he might be testing you....who knows?

 

Or if you pay for the second date, he might insist on paying for all other dates. Who knows?

 

You know very little about his background and his generosity or lack of. So I wouldn't rule him out solely on this text. If I were you, ild go out on the second date AND the third date, to gauge the situation accurately iorder to make an informed decision.

 

I understand your worries. But don't over think. Give it two more dates at least.

Best wishes.

 

You make a lot of sense and you've changed my way of thinking. Thanks. :)

Edited by Sweeetie
pinkstar Member

pinkstar

Posted
Posted
You make a lot of sense and you've changed my way of thinking. Thanks. :)

Well it happens to me once and I posted here. Everyone blamed me he was ok to say in my face next time your shout!! I got really angry and after he paid for our lunch I paid for the drinks twice !! By the way he asked me on next date and I said I wasn't interested :) I do believe the guy you dated wasn't joking and he was serious .but it's your call to make a final decision

Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
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Cool of you for going through the date (you mentioned you had doubts) offering to pay, and sending that text. His text back was unsmooth but let it slide.

  • Like 1
jolie_baby Established Member

jolie_baby

Posted
Posted
And this was after we had agreed to a second date so it wasn't a discreet invitation to meet again! So the story is..

 

I went on a first date with a guy who I met online, last weekend. We live in different cities and he came on a 1-hour train journey to see me. I really appreciated him coming all the way so I offered to pay for both of our dinners, which he wouldn't let me do, he also bought us drinks afterwards. During the date I felt attracted to him. He wanted to kiss me goodbye but I don't kiss on the first date so he got the cheek and I hugged him.

 

After the date finished, while he was still on the train home I sent him a text saying "I had a wonderful time tonight and am looking forward to seeing you again. Thanks for travelling all the way to see me. Next time I shall do the travelling :)"

 

He replied saying "Me too :-) Yes and next time, dinner and drinks are on you too ;-)"

 

Isn't this a little rude, and also strange? I didn't ask him to pay for me on our first date, in fact I offered to pay for him, so this comment was quite unnecessary. It is something a guy would say to a male buddy, not to a girl he's dating. This guy is also quite rich and earns a lot, whereas I just finished university and have a simple casual job at the moment. Besides what is the point in insisting on paying for a girl if you tell her to pay next time- doesn't that ruin the point and isn't it against the "showing masculinity" thing?

 

This rudeness is a bit of a turn-off for me and it's scarred the good impression I had of him during our date. :sick: Should I talk to him about it?

 

You cannot tell the whole truth out of one text. Althought there is a good possibility he actually thinks you should pay next time.

 

The only case of when I would talk to him about it is if you will not be OK with paying next time if you actually do the travelling, and paying for dinner and drinks... otherwise you can just let it go...

 

I admit that I do offer to pay almost everyday (but the guy will not allow it) unless they have aready made it clear that its them paying, and I would be OK with paying for one out of two dates or so... although the guy paying would make me think he is more interested and willing to invest.

 

Actually, with my last LTR, I used to pay two out of three times or so but simply because he was trying to save some money and I made more than he did back then. I never gave it much thought because we were together long term.

 

So I would sugget that you figure out how (and why) you feel about it then see whether you would want to go a second date or not...

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

hahahaha. Sorry. I was just thinking about how my Russian friend would have reacted:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

In some cultures, the woman would literally walk off and leave the date, without further contacting the dude. Although some of them would say a few choice words to them, after.

 

Personally? Yeah, I just don't "feel it" when a dude doesn't pay the first few times. In a longer term relationship, sure. Totally normal.

 

I have never met a guy that was seriously into a woman, who did not at least offer to pay the first few times.

  • Like 1
sydneysider1978 Established Member

sydneysider1978

Posted
Posted

Hi sweetie,

 

The 'next time you're paying' text was weird and a little awkward.

 

I'm a 50-50 girl but I like a guy to pay for dinner with good grace, not because they are keeping score. And I'll do the same in return.

 

Only you can tell if this was a bit if an awkward jokey text or if he's a bit bitter around money and dating.

 

Could be worth giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted

Yeah, I would next him. If a guy doesn't pay the first few dates it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's not even if he is into me or not but more how he views money. I HATE people that are tight a $$ es as friends or lovers. I am extremly genereous with money so it points to incompatibility long term.

  • Like 1
Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
May I bring your attention to the fact that I offered to pay for him on our first date. I even took the cheque first and he reached over across the table and grabbed it from me.

 

So this thread is not about "He should always pay, he's the guy!". It's about "Why did he tell me to pay next time when he rejected my offer this time- what was he trying to prove?"

 

I took it more as him saying that no, you aren't going to pick up the first check (he is), but you're going to pick up the second one.

 

 

I think he was trying to be flirty, and it just backfired a little.

 

You have every right not to see him again. I, personally, would just pick up the bill next time if I liked him enough to see him again. But that is just MY reaction.

  • Like 1
ChessPieceFace Established Member

ChessPieceFace

Posted
Posted
1. This thread is about a specific situation not your hunch on what happens out there.

 

A hunch about what's happening "out there"? It's happening right here.

 

2. That comment must not be a joke because it wasn't funny so we're left with it being rude as all get out.

 

Or, misunderstood.

 

I'm very experienced at saying the wrong things. Much of it is because I live by a different rulebook. I'm trustworthy and genuine so sometimes I might make a joke which requires knowing that to understand me.

 

I frequently think back to a disaster of a date / day I had with one girl (one of the few.) I had nothing but the best of intentions and tried my hardest. She misinterpreted so many things I said, and always assumed the worst intentions. Incredibly frustrating and hurtful. You women are doing that right now to the OP's date. All things being equal, you assume the worst of intentions. GL with that attitude.

 

With me, actions speak louder than words. He insisted on paying for the first date. That action speaks much more loudly to me than the words later, which could easily have been his own second guessing of the date after the fact "oh man, she wanted to pay and I insisted, why was I so insistent, I could have put her off; I know, I'll tell her she will pay next time." That is exactly the kind of thing I would say with the best of intentions and it would be interpreted as the worst.

 

But again, this guy is better off finding a woman who won't question his every motive.

  • Like 2
Titania22 Established Member

Titania22

Posted
Posted

I found that text rude, and unnecessary.

 

It would cause me anxiety if I were in your shoes, because traveling to wherever he is, probably means he will be choosing where to eat, and I would worry it would be outside my budget, especially if he is wealthy, because he probably wouldn't consider what you could actually afford.

 

If you do consider going, maybe you can google the area and choose a place you would like to go, that you know you can afford, and then let him know. This way it shows that you are taking his text seriously with regard footing the bill, but also gives you piece of mind. If he doesn't like your suggestion, he might quickly change his mind about you paying.

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted

Wait, I missed the part where he said you had to come see him next time. If he said that, then hell no. Next.

 

Now, if he came to see you again, then I would consider his original message to be awkward, but still flirty, and I'd pay for him next time and see if I liked him. If he kept up with the awkwardness, though, then no.

SoulJazzBlues Established Member

SoulJazzBlues

Posted
Posted

He travelled over an hour to take you on a date that he paid for and you're getting annoyed over a text.

 

This is why texting is just so ridiculous. You cannot properly get tone and personality across. If I liked him enough from his actions, I would definitely brush this text off as "maybe" a joke gone wrong. I think he was trying to be witty, Though personally I don't find anything wrong with it especially since it had a smiley face! Ladies love smiley faces don't they?!

 

But if you want to let him go over one text?

  • Like 6
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted
Yeah, I would next him. If a guy doesn't pay the first few dates it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's not even if he is into me or not but more how he views money. I HATE people that are tight a $$ es as friends or lovers. I am extremly genereous with money so it points to incompatibility long term.

 

 

 

Yeah, the best people I know are the types who would give you their last 5 dollars, if you needed, say, a bus fair home.

 

As a student on an allowance (although not for long I have a set job whooo) I shout people.

 

My parents were both extremely generous, which probably explains why I have been, to a fault, most of my life.

 

I remember at school, I would get cool lunches and the kids would all be like " Leigh cool can I have some" Until I had nothing left:lmao:

 

Being TOO generous, is not cool, either:lmao:

 

I would not want a man to insist he pay for everything. Unless he was realty well off and I was only on a student budget!

  • Like 1
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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