Star Gazer Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 This is all really in the abstract, in general. I got to thinking the other day while on a run with my running buddy about what it really means to be "over" an ex or a past relationship, such that one is ready and emotionally available for a new relationship. See, my buddy is dating someone who's very recently divorced (as in, finalized last week), who co-parents with his cheating ex and sees her often. We wonder if he's ready to date. One of the guys I just recently started dating was similarly mercilessly and dumped out of the blue just 3 months ago. We wonder if he's emotionally available too. I hesitate to question whether either of them are rebounding, as the end of their relationships wasn't immediately recent. Then she and I both have our own histories of being heartbroken, and although it's not as fresh, we seem to carry those feelings around with us. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am "over" my last two exes, Skiman and SoldierBoy, at least isofar as romantic feelings are concerned. I have no romantic feelings for them, I don't wish them ill will, I feel pretty indifferent towards them. But, every now and again I feel like I'm not completely over the "situation." For example, when I recall how Skiman and I broke up, and specifically how his parents treated me at the end, to this day, I still get choked up. They hurt me more than he did. And when I recall how SoldierBoy wasn't there for me when I crossed the finish line of my first marathon because he couldn't be bothered to get his selfish arse up off the damn couch, I still get a little angry and a little misty eyed. Am I over the guys? I think so. Do these particular memories still sting? Admittedly, yes. Is this okay? How do you measure whether you're ready to date/enter new relationships? How do you evaluate whether someone you're dating or in a relationship with is emotionally available for a new relationship? Is there a difference between rebounding and not being completely ready to enter a new relationship?
Suave Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I still love my ex and probably will for a long, long time. But if she's out getting hers, you can be damn sure I'm doing the same thing. I have always made sure to be up front about my situation before getting involved with anyone lately. I am seeing someone now, but they know that I am nowhere near being ready for another relationship right now. I think people who get into committed relationships despite clearly still having feelings for another person are just coping. Is there a timeline? Well, no, there isn't. It's completely different for everybody. I am busy getting the last two and a half years of not being single out of my system and when that high wears off is when I'll settle down again.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I still love my ex and probably will for a long, long time. But if she's out getting hers, you can be damn sure I'm doing the same thing. I have always made sure to be up front about my situation before getting involved with anyone lately. I am seeing someone now, but they know that I am nowhere near being ready for another relationship right now. I think people who get into committed relationships despite clearly still having feelings for another person are just coping. What are "feelings" for another person though? I think back to some relationships that ended, and for years and years afterwards, I could confidently say, "I still love him," but that type of love had changed. It wasn't romantic, but it wasn't like brotherly/familial either. More like, a deep friendship. But those feelings didn't interfere with my romantic feelings for someone else. In fact, my best male friend is someone I once dated, and I say now that I love him (as a dear friend), although I never loved him (romantically) when we were dating.
Suave Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 What are "feelings" for another person though? I think back to some relationships that ended, and for years and years afterwards, I could confidently say, "I still love him," but that type of love had changed. It wasn't romantic, but it wasn't like brotherly/familial either. More like, a deep friendship. But those feelings didn't interfere with my romantic feelings for someone else. In fact, my best male friend is someone I once dated, and I say now that I love him (as a dear friend), although I never loved him (romantically) when we were dating. I'd say if you want to be back in a committed relationship with your ex, you are not ready to do the same with another person. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I'd say if you want to be back in a committed relationship with your ex, you are not ready to do the same with another person. Ah. That's a good way of putting it. What if you would just consider it? Like, you find yourself saying, "If s/he wanted me back, I would consider it, if [whatever contingencies, if any, were met]." That aside... I guess my biggest concern is, even if you know you'd never want to get back together with you ex, if you still feel moments or twinges of hurt, does that mean a new relationship just isn't possible?
Suave Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Ah. That's a good way of putting it. What if you would just consider it? Like, you find yourself saying, "If s/he wanted me back, I would consider it, if [whatever contingencies, if any, were met]." That aside... I guess my biggest concern is, even if you know you'd never want to get back together with you ex, if you still feel moments or twinges of hurt, does that mean a new relationship just isn't possible? I have seen my ex all of one time in the two months since we've broken up. She wasn't with anyone else at the time but I have no doubt that she's probably seeing someone as she's very attractive and I used to face constant pesky outsiders trying to take my place. But if she is, I don't want to see or hear anything about it and have instructed my friends to all but pretend she no longer exists. If there is any chance of us getting together again, it's a long ways down the road. That's just the way it has to be. As for your concern, the twinges of hurt will only come up in times of recollection. If you and the new person go to a movie and happen to sit in the same theater and section as you and your ex used to occupy, a twinge or two is perfectly fine. If, however, you find yourself comparing every little thing that they do to how your ex used to be, you are just not there yet.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 As for your concern, the twinges of hurt will only come up in times of recollection. If you and the new person go to a movie and happen to sit in the same theater and section as you and your ex used to occupy, a twinge or two is perfectly fine. If, however, you find yourself comparing every little thing that they do to how your ex used to be, you are just not there yet. Funny you should use that example, because that's the sort of thing that causes the twinge.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Sadly, I think that there are some relationships that a person just can't ever really "get over." We can still move on though ...
Suave Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Sadly, I think that there are some relationships that a person just can't ever really "get over." We can still move on though ... Indeed. I don't think I'll ever truly get over my ex for good and from what I gather she is the same way about me. We were absolutely perfect for one another but she decided to end things because our relationship was stagnating and becoming predictable. Really is a shame, but for now I can't obsess over it.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Sadly, I think that there are some relationships that a person just can't ever really "get over." We can still move on though ... Does it really come down to what "get over" means? Does it mean completely forget? Feel indifferent?
hellischrome Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Oh oh, this really is the thread for me. As I previously wrote somewhere else, I have been in a relationship for 6 months now of which the first three completely non existent as we used to a) argue all the time b) have sex as much. Therefore, for three months the relationship was stuck there. Also, we got together when we still where with other people (9 years for him, 7 for me). At the beginning I thought all was good and we both needed time, but now I am realising we both are in a rebound relationship. The problem is, I am emotionally available as I'd love to get serious with him - that's not the case with him even if he pretends he wants to, he is just "to stressed at the moment". Truth is he couldn't tell his ex that he didn't want to go back together when she emailed him a couple of weeks ago, and as you will see in some other thread I saw on his PC that he was watching her interviews on youtube. Now, is pretty clear that he is NOT over. I also think I am not over with ex but just because I shared a half of my adult life with him, and I will always care for him and love him even if at the moment he doesnt want to talk to me. As you see, it depends on the person. I know I am not over because I care, but I also feel ready for something else, and I show it pretty much everyday. But there you have the example of another person who is not over, is emotionally unavailable, and doesn't realise he's hurting three people at once (the ex, himself, and me). Worst thing is that he doesn't let go of me. Everytime I try, he cries and cries that "what if I realise you were the woman of my life?????". I think your friend will realise that soon or later, it's only a matter of time. Also, I am really introspective so I do a lot of self-therapy to get to know my situation and my feelings. Talking about it is good for her, because the sooner she realise IF he is unavailable, the less it will hurt and the quickest she'll get out of it. After 6 months, I am finding it really hard.
SJC2008 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Broken bones heal but you remember them. I still remember the embarrasment and pain I went through when my first gf dumped me and talked all sorts of crap about me to my co-workers 14 years ago. I'm over it 100% but I won't forget.
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