grace777 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Well, I'm back. Dammit. I am 8 months post break up and I'm doing really well. And yet, here I am again... I would really like some insight. Me and my ex were together for over 3 years. She broke up with me. It was devastating and she (we're lesbians) really was unkind throughout the first few months of the breakup, especially initially. However after some time, I pulled myself back up and now, months later, I'm me again. For the last couple of months we've been sporadically talking on the phone or texting (she lives out of state). But a couple of weeks ago, these talks began to become agressive from her. She seemed to want to be angry at me. We were friends for several years even before our relationship and I really have wanted to rebuild a friendship with her now. Not because I want her back, I don't, but I miss her in my life. And I know she does too. Yet when she talks to me it's like she finds things to twist to make me look like a bad person. I have really grown a lot and have forgiven her for how rude she was back then. I've also looked truthfully at mistakes I've made and owned them. Once we started talking on a friendly level I even went out of my way to help her with a job and things that I know would make her both happy and help her financially. The last conversation was again twisted, and now she is literally ignoring me. I've sent a couple of texts and I'm getting zero response. I will not try again. But my question to LoveShack is, why is she holding onto such anger? Or not even holding onto, but creating it? To be totally honest, in this 7 month saga, I'm the only one who would have anything to be angry about - but I've done the work (hard as it was) and I've let go of that. Yet she is harboring all this resentment, and now this childish ignoring thing... I know I should just cut her out completely. Trust me, I'm close to that point. But this is not her. I've known her so long, and this is some weird wall. It just doesn't make sense to me. I care very much about her, but I can't be treated this way. So two questions: 1) Why is she acting this way? 2) What should I do about it? Before you all crucify me and tell me to let go and move on, I want to ensure you that I have moved on from the RS. I am talking to someone else who moves to my city in two weeks (STOKED), I got a raise in my career where I'll now be making 6 figures and I'm living a very healthy and organized lifestyle. These are all huge changes that I've now been able to make because I have let go of the idea of us being together. I simply want her as a friendly acquaintance in my life - and suddenly now, for the last two weeks, it seems like she's trying to convolute reasons so that she can literally hate me. It's hurtful and frustrating and it makes zero sense to me. And it all started happening just when we started talking, honestly and as legitimate friends again. Advice much appreciated. 1
Author grace777 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 It's not your job to know why she's holding onto anger and why she's behaving the way she is. But I will tell you why anyway. The opposite to love is not hate, it's indifference. She's not indifferent to you, because she's angry or whatever it is she's feeling. And you aren't giving her any space to deal with the grief over the loss of the relationship. You might be ready to be friends, but it sounds like she isn't. Stop paying attention to her words and start paying attention to her actions. She needs you to leave her alone. So do the right thing, the caring thing, and do so. And if she comes to a point where she can have you in her life, she will. Until then, you're suffocating her. Your post is all about you, and what you want, but she doesn't want the same things as you do. This is about her, and what she needs. She needs you to back off and leave her alone. This is very good advice. Thank you, Metal Chick. I really thought she was ready to be friends or I wouldn't have proceeded. This whole time she's seemed to be the stronger one, at least on the outside. But you're right. Maybe she hasn't even begun to process what I began last Fall. I haven't meant to be selfish - I just thought she was months ahead of me in the breakup process, so if I feel good then she must too... It's what she keeps saying/posting/etc. But yes, looking at her actions and taking her words out, I know that may not be the case at all. Very insightful. Thanks again.
Suave Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Cut ties. You should have done that a long time ago. A friendship will never work if one or both parties are harboring feelings of love, anger, hatred or guilt.
Author grace777 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 The above advice is stellar. Does anyone else out there have insight? I'd love multiple perspectives on my situation.
inaya42 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 are you sure that you have given up on the idea of a romance working out in the future? you said that the relationship grew out of a years-long friendship? are you hoping that a renewed friendship will repair the emotional damage of the breakup and open a doorway to a relationship? I ask because your fixation on this woman and her emotional states do not register as "friendly." I know that having a new someone coming to your town makes you feel like you have a place to invest explicitly romantic and sexual energy, but I'm not sure that you're as over the relationship as you proclaim... your ex doesn't trust you. your attempts at building the friendship do not feel emotionally safe for her. it is not uncommon for dumpers to process grief from a failed relationship both before they break up and much later when the dumpee is no longer available to them. and anger is a part of the grief process. your ex is not taking your (possibly) heavy-handed attempts at friendship well. the true demonstration of both your being over her and your wish to be friends sometime later is to leave her alone - complete NC with not another word. and focus your attention on this new prospective partner. if she is more than a rebound, this could be very exciting... I hope this helps. 1
iouaname Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I am the worst when I get ignored. I begin to overreact and feel this intense anxiety, as if it means that I am never going to hear from this person again and they hate me. I then make the situation worse because instead of taking a step back, I go into panic mode. If after 8 months this drama is still going on, I think it means the feelings aren't settled enough for you two to actually be friends. That is what I have taken away from the fact that after 6 months, my ex and I are still engaging in pointless drama over and over again.
Author grace777 Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 thanks, inaya & iouaname - you are both right. IOU - initially, i totally did freak out. thankfully i stepped back before making it worse (I'm learning). Inaya - you know, I'm not sure if I have hope for the future. I used to think this, but lately I do not. I sincerely just wanted a friendship. However, between you and another response, it seems like I really do need to just step back and give her space to process this. She did enter a relationship within about a week or two of our breakup. I always thought she never had time to process the breakup. And now, maybe she's starting. I have no idea. But honestly, it's not for me to figure out. What I will do is leave her alone. This drama has taken me back a few steps, and that is so unnecessary for this point in my life. I believe she'll contact me later on down the line. Until then, she needs to work on herself and I'll do the same. I just really didn't realize that maintaining a friendship, after all this time, was a bad idea. Ah well. Perhaps in the not-too-distant future we will get to that point.
cavalier99 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 (edited) Hey gal whats up? I havent been around much so i was happy to see someone i know. i think she might be processing the BU some again now that you are unavailable. I have had a simialr experience with my ex. We have been in contact and i felt that since she is in a new RS and i am in a new RS all is cool. However, i have been getting some weird vibes from her recently. Sorta like i am unbalancing her. Seems that im more recovered than she is. They never had to suffer and grow like we did and they just rolled into a new rs ...so they might be doing some additional processing now that we are back in touch. Not sure that she is too happy deep down that im in a new rs and just view her in a friendly non romantic sense. She likes to be desired and now knows that im not an option for her. And i made this abundantly clear. I think im just going to leave her alone for a while. Weve already caught up ecetera so it is sorta pointless to keep on talking for the moment. plus i already got my ego boost from her by getting in touch. Being indifferent, talking about how great my new RS is ecetera. It was awesome! What comes around goes around. maybe i never even wanted a friendship i just wanted to rub her face in it some. Soooo evil and i felt sooo good. lol by the way im sooo over it. She could get gang banged by all my best friends and i woudnt care. And i find her her very unatractive now. New guy can have her. Just glad i escaped. Weird how that works. Lol hope all is well. Cav Edited June 12, 2013 by cavalier99
hinatticus Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 My ex at the time(we're working in things right now) did the exact same thing. She seems like the strong type from the outside, but inside she is an emotional mess at times. Basically I had lots of time to recover and work on myself but she didn't. She is now though thankfully. She would also twist things around purely out of resentment. She was the dumper btw, and I believe dumpers don't get the luxury of us dumpees to take a look at ourselves and work on self improvement. It was like everything I said, be it possitive or neutral came out like an attack from her point of view. Resentment is a b*tch. Anyway, I believe there are some lingering feelings invovled otherwise she wouldn't be so resentful. She could also possibly be experiencing rough times in her life as well. My ex had crap going in her life which made her more resentful towards me.
Author grace777 Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Hey gal whats up? I havent been around much so i was happy to see someone i know. i think she might be processing the BU some again now that you are unavailable. I have had a simialr experience with my ex. We have been in contact and i felt that since she is in a new RS and i am in a new RS all is cool. However, i have been getting some weird vibes from her recently. Sorta like i am unbalancing her. Seems that im more recovered than she is. They never had to suffer and grow like we did and they just rolled into a new rs ...so they might be doing some additional processing now that we are back in touch. Not sure that she is too happy deep down that im in a new rs and just view her in a friendly non romantic sense. She likes to be desired and now knows that im not an option for her. And i made this abundantly clear. I think im just going to leave her alone for a while. Weve already caught up ecetera so it is sorta pointless to keep on talking for the moment. plus i already got my ego boost from her by getting in touch. Being indifferent, talking about how great my new RS is ecetera. It was awesome! What comes around goes around. maybe i never even wanted a friendship i just wanted to rub her face in it some. Soooo evil and i felt sooo good. lol by the way im sooo over it. She could get gang banged by all my best friends and i woudnt care. And i find her her very unatractive now. New guy can have her. Just glad i escaped. Weird how that works. Lol hope all is well. Cav Hey Cav! Great to hear from you too! Well you know all the nitty gritty from my backstory, and I think you're right...she may just be beginning the recovery part. Who knows for sure though. Regardless, I'm so happy that you're in a new, fulfilling relationship! Congrats to you, sir!!
Author grace777 Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 My ex at the time(we're working in things right now) did the exact same thing. She seems like the strong type from the outside, but inside she is an emotional mess at times. Basically I had lots of time to recover and work on myself but she didn't. She is now though thankfully. She would also twist things around purely out of resentment. She was the dumper btw, and I believe dumpers don't get the luxury of us dumpees to take a look at ourselves and work on self improvement. It was like everything I said, be it possitive or neutral came out like an attack from her point of view. Resentment is a b*tch. Anyway, I believe there are some lingering feelings invovled otherwise she wouldn't be so resentful. She could also possibly be experiencing rough times in her life as well. My ex had crap going in her life which made her more resentful towards me. Wow - this is EXACTLY what's going on! Like to the tee! I agree that I did have the processing time, although I don't know that I'd call it a luxury ha. It was pretty much Hell on Earth for several months, but now I'm stronger and more secure, so I guess there's the silver lining. What you said here "It was like everything I said, be it possitive or neutral came out like an attack from her point of view." This is SPOT ON! Weird. I'm so glad I'm not the only one. She has been going through a bad phase in many facets of her life too, but her new RS (she always portrayed) was "perfect" - she's been talking about marrying the new girl since a month after our breakup... Still, I do not understand the resentment. I mean, what have I done? Literally nothing, but pick myself up, move forward, and now that I'm me again, try to redevelop a relatively decent friendship with her. Not sure what she has to be resentful over. Anyways, it's very interesting that your situation is so similar to mine. Has your ex ever explained why she acts/acted that way?
hinatticus Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Wow - this is EXACTLY what's going on! Like to the tee! I agree that I did have the processing time, although I don't know that I'd call it a luxury ha. It was pretty much Hell on Earth for several months, but now I'm stronger and more secure, so I guess there's the silver lining. What you said here "It was like everything I said, be it possitive or neutral came out like an attack from her point of view." This is SPOT ON! Weird. I'm so glad I'm not the only one. She has been going through a bad phase in many facets of her life too, but her new RS (she always portrayed) was "perfect" - she's been talking about marrying the new girl since a month after our breakup... Still, I do not understand the resentment. I mean, what have I done? Literally nothing, but pick myself up, move forward, and now that I'm me again, try to redevelop a relatively decent friendship with her. Not sure what she has to be resentful over. Anyways, it's very interesting that your situation is so similar to mine. Has your ex ever explained why she acts/acted that way? The luxury part was a joke haha. Anyway, she acted that way for a couple of reasons. I was an ass in the relationship. So there was that. Also, she noticed I was improving myself. She was pissed that I didn't do that sooner. Also, her life was full of dissapointments. She realized that the grass isn't greener. The guys she met weren't as kickass as I am, haha. I think part of her resentment was because she truly loved me. After we decided to work on us she told her counselor the reason she came back to me. I was shocked at her answer. She said she loved me and that I was the love of her life. And as we all know, love makes you do dumb things. I guess holding onto resentment is one of those things. I think the main reason she took everything I said so negatively was because she wasn't happy with herself. Being unhappy just puts a dark cloud over everything. I still can't believe I am where I am regarding us. There were so many times where she told me she was done and her being resentful for so long just confirmed that for me. I guess our love we shared was strong enough. We're nowhere near being the comfortable lovers we once were, but we're working on it. I'm just glad she was able to let go some of the resentment to see clearly again. She was so not herself during our break up. Anyway, I believe your ex is resentful because she sees you moving on and happy and possibly because her life sucks right now. There's always the possibility that she's still in love with you. Either way you just need to focus on yourself and just live the happiest life you can. I hope everything works out the way you want.
inaya42 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 hi, through the haze of shock, devastation, and deep betrayal that most dumpees feel, it is very hard to assess one's behavior in the relationship. and the dumper seems to be the bad guy simply for leaving. when the initial post-bu phase ends for the dumper (relief, guilt, etc.), they might get angry because they too lost the relationship and may feel like they were not treated well and were unhappy. by now the dumpee is healing and moving on. I really think that in a long-term relationship dumpers are often just the ones who were brave and/or self-interested enough to end the dying relationship...
Author grace777 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 inaya42 - I can't say that I fully agree with you on your last post, but I appreciate the perspective. All I can go on is my own personal experiences, but this explanation isn't really applicable to my situation.
bluegreen Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Wondering did they even read what you sent them or not
Author grace777 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Bluegreen- wait, what do you mean? When I sent them what?
Author grace777 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 oh well i only texted her a couple times, but yeah, she read them
SweetiePie12 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Why is she acting this way? Might she have a chemical imbalance?
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