leafguy Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 (edited) Ok guys and gals... Not sure where to throw this one so my apologies if it is the wrong place. A buddy of mine has been with his gf for 2.5 years. I know his gf well as we went to high school together, stayed in touch and regularly see her again now that they have been together when I hang out with him. I met him in college and we hit it off and have been great friends since. They met through me as he saw her working one day (waitress) and I introduced them. Rest is history. I have the unfortunate issue of listening to both sides and have on numerous occasions been the source of both of them venting and not trying to choose sides. Now here is where my issue comes in that I am not sure if I am right on. The issue revolves around the fact that she has a more flexible job than him and has an extra week vacation. She also has a male friend that she has been friends with since they were kids. From what I understand, they lived up the street from each other, his mom babysat her, they went to elementary and high school together, and have still hung out since then. I know the guy well enough, but have never really saw him as a friend...more of an acquaintance, but she sees him as a brother from what she tells me. She introduced him to the SO on multiple occasions and has brought him along on group outings. Where the issue gets dicey is obviously revolving around the vacation. I should also mention the friend is single. Long story short, they have been talking about Disney World together and she asked her bf last night if he thought it was ok. He had told her no because of the fact he thought it was crossing a boundary of what a friendship should be when someone isn't single. He brought the issue to me for a second opinion and I agreed with him 100% that it is crossing a boundary and she should respect his beliefs with it. She ultimately played the controlling card and got mad. So my question to everyone is what stance would you take on this issue...past experience, stories, etc? Just curious if there are any different perspectives as I figure this will be a one sided issue, but I maybe surprised. Edited June 11, 2013 by leafguy
USMCHokie Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Is it just the two of them, or is it a large group? And is it for a whole week? In my experience and current understanding, travel with a female friend = I will be inside her at some point during the trip. I would be wary myself, especially if it's just the two of them for a whole week, to a place as magical (and expensive) as Disney World...
Author leafguy Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Sorry, guess I omitted and yes it would be just the two of them
USMCHokie Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Sorry, guess I omitted and yes it would be just the two of them Yea, I don't like the sound of that... Let me ask you this, if we replaced that other guy in your story with you, what result...?
BeholdtheMan Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Sorry, guess I omitted and yes it would be just the two of themYeah...what the fu** Ask this girl whether she'd be OK if the tables were turned: Her husband goes on a trip for two with "a really good female friend". I swear...
Eggplant Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Men sometimes imagine the worst-case scenario. I think they are programmed to be hyper-vigilant. Probably nothing to worry about. It is weird that she's going with him alone, though. Really, they need a third person...
USMCHokie Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Men sometimes imagine the worst-case scenario. We also imagine the most-likely scenario.
Eggplant Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I don't know. I went on a vacation while in a serious relationship with a woman friend and her male friend. I was madly in love with my boyfriend at the time and missed him terribly and phoned him constantly throughout the trip. I know I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend, so I have trouble understanding why men are suspicious. They think I think as they think?
USMCHokie Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I don't know. I went on a vacation while in a serious relationship with a woman friend and her male friend. I was madly in love with my boyfriend at the time and missed him terribly and phoned him constantly throughout the trip. I know I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend, so I have trouble understanding why men are suspicious. They think I think as they think? I s'pose not every girl (or guy) out there is like this... Would you have gone if the woman friend wasn't going?
Emilia Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Long story short, they have been talking about Disney World together and she asked her bf last night if he thought it was ok. He had told her no because of the fact he thought it was crossing a boundary of what a friendship should be when someone isn't single. He brought the issue to me for a second opinion and I agreed with him 100% that it is crossing a boundary and she should respect his beliefs with it. She ultimately played the controlling card and got mad. So my question to everyone is what stance would you take on this issue...past experience, stories, etc? Just curious if there are any different perspectives as I figure this will be a one sided issue, but I maybe surprised. You can't do something like this to a man. You can't do it to a woman either but especially not to a man. Guys have ego issues and a good girlfriend should understand this. She shouldn't even contemplate it. Not the hill to die on as Gorilla Theatre would say.
USMCHokie Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 You can't do something like this to a man. You can't do it to a woman either but especially not to a man. Guys have ego issues and a good girlfriend should understand this. She shouldn't even contemplate it. Not the hill to die on as Gorilla Theatre would say. Yea, this isn't really about whether she should go or not. It's more that she shouldn't have even considered going alone with the guy or without her bf. 2
Emilia Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Yea, this isn't really about whether she should go or not. It's more that she shouldn't have even considered going alone with the guy or without her bf. Absolutely. I'm all for opposite sex friendships as you know but a very clear line/boundary needs to be drawn in these things. Trust is to be earned and nurtured.
Eggplant Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Would you have gone if the woman friend wasn't going?No. This woman has a very close male friend. If the situation were reversed, and my boyfriend were travelling alone with a close female friend, I would be very jealous.
therhythm Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 No. This woman has a very close male friend. If the situation were reversed, and my boyfriend were travelling alone with a close female friend, I would be very jealous. Well that is the case here... I don't think this is about women or men... I am a big live the life and enjoy freedom defender but couples need to live up to the boundaries they set for themselves... if the guy is not comfortable with this situation and has already make it notice to her, she would be very selfish to put the relationship on stake to satisfy her 1 week holidays with her male friend. just my 0.02$ 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Is it just the two of them, or is it a large group? And is it for a whole week? In my experience and current understanding, travel with a female friend = I will be inside her at some point during the trip. I would be wary myself, especially if it's just the two of them for a whole week, to a place as magical (and expensive) as Disney World... Interesting to note that this is how you think 2
Emilia Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Interesting to note that this is how you think That's what I thought 1
Els Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 It's not even about whether or not they'll sleep together, IMO. Personally, I think it's just inappropriate and disrespectful to one's SO. I don't even bloody care if they both have chastity belts locked onto them. Spending several whole days together 1-on-1 with a non-relative of the opposite sex is a no-no in my book. That being said, I honestly don't think it's any business of yours, OP? I don't see any benefit in taking one of their sides over another. In your shoes, I'd just tell them that I don't want to meddle with their relationship stuff and they should sort it out themselves. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 That's what I thought If Hokie ever invites you to travel with him.... 1
Els Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Edit: Also, it seems unnecessarily dramatic to me for the couple to involve you in it and ask you to take sides? I don't see why an adult couple would do this at all. It's one thing for each of them to confide in their individual best friend, another thing altogether to make you the tie-breaker.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 It's not even about whether or not they'll sleep together, IMO. Personally, I think it's just inappropriate and disrespectful to one's SO. I don't even bloody care if they both have chastity belts locked onto them. Spending several whole days together 1-on-1 with a non-relative of the opposite sex is a no-no in my book. That being said, I honestly don't think it's any business of yours, OP? I don't see any benefit in taking one of their sides over another. In your shoes, I'd just tell them that I don't want to meddle with their relationship stuff and they should sort it out themselves. I agree with Els. I have a few male friends (and I am single) and if I spend a lot of time hanging out with one of them 1-1 it always feels a bit....weird. There is always some "tension" there, even when absolutely nothing happens. 1
Els Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I agree with Els. I have a few male friends (and I am single) and if I spend a lot of time hanging out with one of them 1-1 it always feels a bit....weird. There is always some "tension" there, even when absolutely nothing happens. Yep. I guess I'm more wary about the potential for emotional attachment than straight out sex. Bf and I do each get coffee or work lunch or something with opposite sex friends sometimes, but I'd definitely draw the line at a whole-day outing, let alone a week's travelling. The solution in this case seems fairly simple though - if they want to go to Disneyland so much, invite a few other people and form a co-ed group. Surely they have SOME mutual friends... or do they always just hang out 1-on-1?
USMCHokie Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Interesting to note that this is how you think Yea... 1
USMCHokie Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 If Hokie ever invites you to travel with him.... :laugh: Looking back, yea. Hindsight is 20/20. 1
tman666 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Yea, this isn't really about whether she should go or not. It's more that she shouldn't have even considered going alone with the guy or without her bf. Yessir. If I were the guy, I'd be planning an exit strategy. If she (the girl) thinks that this is ok, but failed to obtain "permission" this time, next time she'll just go behind the guy's back.
Recommended Posts