BustedUpInside Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I have been broken up with my ex for about 5 1/2 months now. We haven't had any contact whatsoever in about a month and before that it was very limited and business related. I haven't really felt the urge to contact him or be contacted by him. That is.......until now. Every morning when I wake up, I look at my phone and for some reason I expect to see a text or Facebook message from him. When my phone beeps, I always get a knot in my stomach because I am assuming it will be him writing me to tell me something weird. I have been talking to a few guys online and am in the process of meeting one for coffee sometime this week. I also quit smoking and have been getting more exercise and sleep. You would think that all of these things would be making me feel better. However, I just feel depressed. I am not sure what I am waiting for. We already got all the closure we were ever going to get. Neither one of us are young. I am in my early 30's and he is in his late 30's. We had a long term relationship where we lived together. I just feel like no one is giving me good advice lately because they just can't relate to the situation. Can anybody here relate to this? I mean, it has been 6 months and I have been following all the steps for getting over a relationship pretty strictly. I just don't know what else to do.
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Wish I could give you better advice than just to say: maybe you just aren't ready yet. I'm older than you, and have been a year post BU. I have the opportunities, but guess what. I just ain't ready yet! I have no distortion of reality whatsoever- she's long gone. I'm well aware that I'm not a thought anytime throughout her day or night. But I'm still not ready! There is just no time limit on how long it takes one to grieve these deaths of ours. Some faster than others. So give your self some credit- you've been doing everything possible for yourself. The soul is just slower to heal than the body sometimes. You always say such positive things, and give great advice to everyone on this forum. It says alot about you as a person, you're sensitive to other peoples pain, because you are kind and sensitive period! Sometimes that works against people like us. Stay on this forum and continue to heal. You're doing a great job! Sometimes you cannot see the forest, despite the trees. 2
Author BustedUpInside Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I guess I just really thought I was almost done obsessively wishing for stuff that has no chance of happening. Why can't I stop thinking about my ex all the time lately. It is making me feel like a loser. I mean, I'm not a kid anymore trying to get over my "true love", so why is this happening?
aisuru Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Dunno. But you're in good company. The only thing keeping me from contacting my ex, who actually attempted to contact me last week (no clue what he wanted) is that I remember thinking I shouldn't be in the relationship before it ended. Actually, through the duration of the relationship. I desperately would love to hear from him and speak with him. I just know I shouldn't. Sucky suck. So yeah, I think you're in good company. 2
KPChick000 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Just wanted to offer my support as you so often do for me and others. You are still in the grieving process, which is ok! You've been NC for only about a month, and it will take more time. I'm over two months NC and I'm still not over the hump yet! I will tell you that while I don't expect or have any hope that my ex will contact me, I still look at my inbox everyday and wish to see his name pop up. I understand. And I'm sure we are not alone. Don't be discouraged that you haven't felt better yet. It will take time, once again (if time could only work its wonder more quickly, right?). Don't feel pressured to like the guys you're talking to or to make things work. Keep an open mind and think of it as just meeting new people or trying new things. It is ok to feel not ready yet to date. But, I think it will be a good distraction to meet some new people. You never know, right? I think some people just take longer to get over breakups than others. I am one of those people, and you might be one too. But we WILL eventually get there. Keep your head up high and don't be so hard on yourself. You are not doing as badly as you think! You've made progress over the past five months: living a healthier lifestyle, opening yourself up to the idea of talking to other guys, maintaining NC. This is progress you should be proud of. Time will do the rest. 1
Author BustedUpInside Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Thanks for the support guys. I just don't know how to fix this. At the beginning when I would have these feelings, I would just talk myself out of it and remind myself that there were bad times too. Now, it's like I don't care. I don't care if we didn't fit, I don't care about the deal breakers, I don't care that this is the second time he broke my heart, and I don't care if he doesn't want me back. I just feel like I want to beg. Just call him and beg him to come back and try again. This time it will work. I know that it is just a fantasy and there is no amount of begging that will change what has happened, but the urge is sooooo strong. I just don't know how to change my way of thinking, because I have already told myself that it won't work, and all of the bad stuff, and I still want to follow my heart....stupid and pathetic. 1
aisuru Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Thanks for the support guys. I just don't know how to fix this. At the beginning when I would have these feelings, I would just talk myself out of it and remind myself that there were bad times too. Now, it's like I don't care. I don't care if we didn't fit, I don't care about the deal breakers, I don't care that this is the second time he broke my heart, and I don't care if he doesn't want me back. I just feel like I want to beg. Just call him and beg him to come back and try again. This time it will work. I know that it is just a fantasy and there is no amount of begging that will change what has happened, but the urge is sooooo strong. I just don't know how to change my way of thinking, because I have already told myself that it won't work, and all of the bad stuff, and I still want to follow my heart....stupid and pathetic. Must be the day. I'm right there. I actually looked at his twitter earlier today. Looked at the date I last sent him an email. Wondered if he'll contact me again. I know I just can't. Stay strong my friend. Sometimes I think reading this board sucks me in to wanting to speak with him again. I've had two good weekends back to back and been distracted. Tonight I couldn't wait to get home and embrace the 'missing him' feelings, bypassed the gym and now here I sit. With vodka. Not good. So now I'm in a suck pot of suck. Funny how that works. 1
Author BustedUpInside Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Sometimes I think reading this board sucks me in to wanting to speak with him again. I actually really think that might be an issue in my recovery. I have been trying to read less posts on here and offer less advice. I don't think I am saying anything special that someone else couldn't say in a more eloquent way, and I also feel like it is somehow tying me to the past. Like giving myself an excuse to keep wallowing. So, I basically haven't been writing much or reading much, but for the past three days, I have been dreaming about the ex EVERY NIGHT. Some good, some bad, some terrible, some boring. He just seems to be everywhere lately and it is making me feel like something is going to happen. Then I have to remind myself that I am a crazy person who looks for complex meaning in random things. It is just so annoying because I thought I was claiming my life for myself again but it seems like the past has stuch a hold on me. Oh well, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
KPChick000 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Ugh, don't you just hate those damn urges? I wanted to break NC soooooo badly last week. So badly wanted to plead and reason with him to give us another shot, tell him that I would love him better this time around, that that girl isn't right for him, etc. All the stereotypically crazy things exes say. I let the urge come and pass. I shed a few tears. Then, I came back to reality. I wasn't going to let myself break NC. I even made a counseling appointment (first time ever!) because I feared breaking NC so badly. I really have no advice on how to get over the urge but you're not alone. The urges won't always be so strong. You will have a good and bad day. Try to stay strong. 2
Lay Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 i agree! i realized this board was setting me back in my progress because it caused me to obsess and constantly think about my ex. maybe stay off this board for a week and see how you feel. write down all of your feelings today and then in a week right your feelings down again. see if/how they have changed. good luck! write down things you feel you need to say to him but don't give it to him.... it will make you feel better xoxo Lay
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 BUI - Regarding your original post. I can so relate. I was in a 3 year RS where we lived together the whole time. I am 41, she 31... Been broken up for 4 months and NC for 3 months. I too am still so depressed and so hurting. Mostly down, with tiny blips of up, but mostly down. The last few days have been really bad. So depressed. You are not alone!! Wish I had some advice, but I don't. I don't know what to do either. I guess just stay the course, work on yourself and stay positive. Just wish I could follow this myself right now... 1
Author BustedUpInside Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 BUI - Regarding your original post. I can so relate. I was in a 3 year RS where we lived together the whole time. I am 41, she 31... Been broken up for 4 months and NC for 3 months. I too am still so depressed and so hurting. Mostly down, with tiny blips of up, but mostly down. The last few days have been really bad. So depressed. You are not alone!! Wish I had some advice, but I don't. I don't know what to do either. I guess just stay the course, work on yourself and stay positive. Just wish I could follow this myself right now... Don't feel bad. That is often the case when I read your posts too. I don't have a lot of advice, but just hope that you will feel better. I usually do feel better, but just lately (in the past week or so) I have felt like I am just back into total denial. Where I just keep expecting my ex to come and make it like the past almost 6 months have never happened. There is absolutely no reason that I should have this hope. I have not been given anything from him that would suggest he has even paid me a passing thought in the last couple of months, but it is suddenly there. No matter how much I try to squash it. It just keeps growing. I can't understand it. I tell myself he doesn't love me, he doesn't want me, our relationship is over, we are never ever getting back together, he has probably found someone else, I am supposed to be trying to find people to at least talk to, we live in completely different states. It doesn't do me any good. I dream about him every night, and as soon as I wake up there is just this continued feeling that he is going to call me or text me or whatever very soon and I should be ready for him to say things that I want to hear. It is ridiculous. I know it makes me sound crazy, but I can't shake it. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Don't feel bad. That is often the case when I read your posts too. I don't have a lot of advice, but just hope that you will feel better. I usually do feel better, but just lately (in the past week or so) I have felt like I am just back into total denial. Where I just keep expecting my ex to come and make it like the past almost 6 months have never happened. There is absolutely no reason that I should have this hope. I have not been given anything from him that would suggest he has even paid me a passing thought in the last couple of months, but it is suddenly there. No matter how much I try to squash it. It just keeps growing. I can't understand it. I tell myself he doesn't love me, he doesn't want me, our relationship is over, we are never ever getting back together, he has probably found someone else, I am supposed to be trying to find people to at least talk to, we live in completely different states. It doesn't do me any good. I dream about him every night, and as soon as I wake up there is just this continued feeling that he is going to call me or text me or whatever very soon and I should be ready for him to say things that I want to hear. It is ridiculous. I know it makes me sound crazy, but I can't shake it. Guess we're just a couple of sad sacks!! At least I visit my therapist tomorrow. Think I am going to increase my frequency a little bit, as other parts of my life are kinda turning to shyte right now too... I feel like my back is against the wall and it's time to make a stand!! Do or die!! 1
SuperGeek Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 (edited) OP, I'm assuming your relationship was a long one and 5 1/2 months is still a short time to heal. Cut yourself some slack and give it more time. It took me a few years to fully get over my ex and I'm still at about 98% recovery, which is basically indifference with a few thoughts about the ex every few months. As time goes by, your brain will just forget the pain and you will move on. Time will just move you past it at some point it's a guarantee unless you make it a point to keep it in your mind everyday. Don't date too early either. Simply just chill out for awhile if you need to. I know you gals with your dating websites get flooded with dudes looking to go out, but maybe just chill for a few more months? Essentially, don't force life right now. You'll know when to date. You'll know when you are over it. Just acknowledge the feelings you have and I think they will subside a bit. Just my opinion of course. Edited June 11, 2013 by SuperGeek 1
SuperGeek Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 (edited) No, the date is an excellent idea. Don't even call it a date. Call it meeting new people. It's just a coffee, not a relationship. She can meet him for an hour, then say she has "other plans". SIGH. Sounds like fun. I should meet up with some women, have a drink with them, and then totally ditch them as well. What a great way to treat people! Edited June 11, 2013 by SuperGeek
Author BustedUpInside Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 SIGH. Sounds like fun. I should meet up with some women, have a drink with them, and then totally ditch them as well. What a great way to treat people! Haha! I don't think she is suggesting that I order a bunch of expensive stuff and then wait for him to go to the bathroom and then just duck out the door. I think, and correct me if I am wrong, that it should be treated as a more casual hang out, and so if I start panicking or I am not having a good time, I can politely leave, citing that I have other plans that I must attend to (errands, family get together, friend's birthday etc). I would never just bolt on somebody unless they were seriously weird and creepy. 1
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