swimswithjeans Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Long story short- and if you want the long story you can check out some of my previous posts- J and I were together for 6 months. We never fought, but, unfortunately, when he got emotionally overwhelmed he would disappear for a few days to a week (longer if I tried to contact him during that time). This past time he disappeared for almost no good reason and I was hospitalized (which he didn't seem too concerned about), he texted me a couple "I love you, goodnight"s and funny YouTube links- but I was SO frustrated, I did go off on him. Whatever. I get what I did; I think almost anyone would have done the same in my situation. In the last six months, we connected like no one else. I love(d) him more than anyone in the world... He made me feel loved and safe and told me he had finally met his match and he wanted to marry me. I believed him. The connection was undeniable. I had never met anyone who fit in my life the way that he did. Even my terribly traumatized rescue dog loved him. He called me beautiful every day and we talked anywhere from 1 to 5 hours per night never getting bored. I slept so well next to him. Towards the end of his last disappearance, I told him if he wanted out, it was fine, just to tell me. Then a couple days after I emailed him asking if he would call just for a couple minutes to talk; about NOTHING serious. Then he texted me saying 'let's just let go.' I tried to call him- no answer. I texted him and said if he wanted out i just wanted a conversation. No reply. The next day, I texted him and said I don't understand, but I wish him luck with everything. He just replied with 'you too.' This can't be the end, can it? I can't imagine how even the biggest of cowards could end a 6 month relationship that way. He was my very best friend. We've gone NC once before.. He came back after a couple of weeks. I desperately need comfort and deserve so much more than a 'let's just let go' text message. What the heck. I imagine- knowing him- I will hear from him again. Is it possible that he is just really overwhelmed and didn't want out, necessarily? If he REALLY wanted to break up, wouldn't he have said it?
CC12 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 This can't be the end, can it? I think it is. He ended it. And he did it in a spectacularly terrible way. The only way it's not the end is if you forgive him and take him back if he asks for that. And you should never forgive him for pulling the disappearing act multiple times and then breaking up over text. That is terrible treatment. I imagine- knowing him- I will hear from him again. If you get back together with him, you would be reinforcing the idea that it's okay for him to treat you like that. What incentive does he have to not cruelly shut you out whenever he feels the need to? If your relationship were to continue, you should just expect that the disappearing act will happen again and again. Do you really want to live with the fear that he might start ignoring you again at any moment? Come on. You have to demand better from your partners, and if they don't meet your requirements (like, say, basic communication) then you have to let them go. If he REALLY wanted to break up, wouldn't he have said it? It might be that he's just a coward, or there might be some truth to that - that if he REALLY wanted to break up, he would have said it. But is that really a good thing? I don't think it is, because that would mean he's manipulating you into leaving him the hell alone right now, but being vague enough about breaking up with you that he can later be like, "What? No way, I didn't mean that we should break up." Or, "I clearly wasn't thinking straight and didn't know what I was saying" or whatever. There is no excuse to treat someone you care about like that, and in no way should you accept it. I hope you choose to move on, and find someone who is both great for you and to you. 2
dreamliver7 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 The guy seems to have his set of emotional issues if i have to interpret his disappearing act. Knowing this, whether or not he comes back, do you want to keep up with an unstable person, irrespective of the good moments that you would have had with him. If he's done it a few times he'll do it again... probably his nature as part of the flight or fight response. If he loved you and made you feel secure and meant it, he wouldn't have abandoned you (sorry for the harsh but true words). You deserve someone better... someone more stable IMHO. Rather than hoping/waiting, my advice would be for you to consider moving on with no guilt since he is the one who suggested moving on. This may be a tough pill to swallow but I believe it is for your good over the longer run. 1
inaya42 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 i am of two minds about this: on one hand, he seems overwhelmed, exhausted, panicked, and he is afraid of you -- likely not because of anything that you do but because he knows that your very minimal expectations of regular contact are not being met by him. his disappearances and the text speak to both overwhelm and shame (possibly). on the other hand, NONE of this is your problem, or in the sphere of anything you can control. there is no relationship to be had with someone who engages in these behaviors. he has let you know in word and deed that he cannot be in this relationship with you. my suggestions would be to let go with love, or just to let go... i'm sorry about this. it is horrible to endure emotional neglect and mistreatment from someone you feel close to.
chuzzbug Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I think you have one option, and after this you leave it alone. Send him a very kind and warm email and let him know that you're willing and ready to listen to whatever is bothering him. Tell him that sometimes people run away despite what they feel, and that you're there for him to act as an ear, friend, and comfort. End the message respectfully. Tell him that ultimately everything is his choice, but that your bond should be built on love not broken by fear. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you care and will not judge. If he does not respond to this, then you'll have to let him go. By the way, I have a friend who is emotionally very fragile and he will periodically run away. When we talk about these episodes, it's clear that he wants people to reach out to him, but will never ask. I know this, so I reach out. But it can be hard to do when this is a partner.
lailax3 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I can relate with you. Especially the disappearing act. I was dumped 3 and a half weeks ago. I wondered the same things as you are. I initiated contact during the first two weeks which he completely ignored. I sent a final text that I was gone for good, and to my surprise, received a phone call. I never answered. Upon completing week one of no contact, although I never received my closure, just like you, it just shows when these kinda men want out, that's what they want. This undeniable connection that we've both felt with these men seem to be one sided. Cliché but true, actions speak louder than words. If they wanted us as much as we wanted them, nothing is stopping them. Stick to no contact. It'll give you time to focus on yourself and clear your mind. I hope it gets better for you, nobody deserves to feel this way x
IS IT Better late Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 It's not just men lailax. Many women exhibit the same inconsistent behavior. At the end of my relationship she would go Hot then Cold, wants to text, then doesn't, wants to chat then doesn't. Wants to hangout then doesn't All while I'm left trying to figure her out. Mind f-ing me the whole time. But Actions are the key.
Author swimswithjeans Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 This is the problem if you get back together but don't fix the underlying problem. You need to figure out what the problem is and fix it. In this case: Why is he psychologically overwhelmed in the first place? Did you two fight? What was the problem that caused the fight? Or does he have a real mental problem and need to see a psychologist and psychiatrist? You need to figure out the problem so you the relationship last. J was likely overwhelmed because of his dying father and divorce that is in its end and more intense stages. (Luckily, they never had kids). He had told me he "wanted time to just be me." I told him that I support that, but there is no reason for us to not be in contact during that time if he wants to be in a relationship. I told him he can't be in a relationship with himself AND be in a relationship with me; these are two extremes for him, clearly. I can't imagine it's from me that he is flying; I try so hard to be a source of happiness and calm for him from his otherwise intense life circumstances. The fact that he is able to compartmentalize the way he is and disappear whilst knowing the hurt it causes me is very, very scary. Also, his prior marriage was pretty intense and awful; maybe he just does not know how to be in a relationship without drama so just does this because he knows that it is the one thing that will really make me angry. To put it plainly, the only source of conflict so far in our six month relationship is him disappearing. We have had one fight about something else... Well, no, it was actually about him disappearing but it was the only time that he was also angry about it as he felt I didn't give him his space- which, by the way, he did not ask for. I am NOT a mind-reader. He has called me one of a kind and a fantastic communicator. Which is true. And I am a patient person but he tests that with his little disappearing acts. At 37 years old, I cannot imagine how he carried on a 10 year relationship with his ex-wife with behaviors like this. I am hurt and fed-up... And I would LOVE nothing more to send the ex-wife a Facebook message asking her for some insight into this and perhaps will get all the answers I need... But I understand this is crossing a line. If he told me what he wanted or how much space that he needed- preferably before he decided to take it. If he had said something like 'honey, I am overwhelmed right now and need time to myself but will call you on Friday.' I'd be like cool, okay, whatever. But I hate how much power he is exhibiting by not telling me any of this. My favorite was the time he disappeared for about 5 days, and then came back. Clearly I questioned what had happened. He said he didn't disappear, just chose not to be a participant in communication for that time. Oy. I want this to work. I do. But maybe I'm the only one. Maybe he really is doing the best he can. But I don't think so.
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