hellischrome Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 We have been dating for 6 months now but things were pretty bad at the beginning and starting to work a bit better since 1 month. He left her after 9 years for me, but he still "has feeling", meaning that he still cares a lot about her and suffers cause she is unhappy (I bet she is!), and says sometimes he feels confused and cannot enjoy our relationship cause he still thinks of all the bad things he has done to her. Yesterday we were on the couch and he had a few pages open in the browser, one of them being a video of her on youtube (an interview she did for some local TV about her job as a designer). At the beginning I kinda freaked out inside, then thought that I didn't know how and why he was watching that video and decided to let it go having second thoughts now about the importance of the thing. What do you guys think and what should I do?
shexy Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 It sounds to me like he's still into her. A lot. He left her for you, and now he's regretting it. That kind of sux. I really wouldn't want to be with someone THAT hung up on their ex.
Author hellischrome Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Isn't it normal to still care about someone that shared such big part of your life? I have been together with my ex for 7 years and left him for this guy (kinda; I would have done it anyway eventually), and I still check his facebook page to see what he is up to or who comments, just out of curiosity. Should I start this topic with him again, facing him and telling him that I feel weird about it?
shexy Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 But he said he can't enjoy your relationship because of her. That would bother me. He's basically saying he's not happy. If it's not bothering you, you shouldn't say anything to him. But if it is, I really think maybe you should talk to him about it.
Author hellischrome Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I see your point and you are right. Things have been moving really fast between us - because of the way things happened. I think I should clear my mind about what I want from him - which I think is a relationship where he thinks about me and that's it, caring is OK but ruining his life and mine doesn't make sense. The problem is that he says things and I don't get the same feelings in his actions. When we argue he cries and says he loves me and doesn't wanna end what we have because if he realises too late that I was THE RIGHT PERSON he couldn't cope with that. But then he watches her video and stuff - which doesn't really make sense with what he says. Thank you for your replies Shexy, Australian time here and no one online to talk to... you are really helpful
KatZee Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 We have been dating for 6 months now but things were pretty bad at the beginning and starting to work a bit better since 1 month. He left her after 9 years for me, but he still "has feeling", meaning that he still cares a lot about her and suffers cause she is unhappy (I bet she is!), and says sometimes he feels confused and cannot enjoy our relationship cause he still thinks of all the bad things he has done to her. Yesterday we were on the couch and he had a few pages open in the browser, one of them being a video of her on youtube (an interview she did for some local TV about her job as a designer). At the beginning I kinda freaked out inside, then thought that I didn't know how and why he was watching that video and decided to let it go having second thoughts now about the importance of the thing. What do you guys think and what should I do? You're in for a world of pain, my friend. My ex sounds exactly like this. He met me and he wound up leaving his gf of 6 years to be with me. He too still kept in touch with her behind my back. One night he went out with his friends, she was there, and he wound up cheating on me with her. I didn't find out until we were together for 3 years. Our entire relationship became a lie. Listen, if he left her for you, he WILL leave YOU for someone else as well. That's exactly what happened with my ex as well. He wound up emotionally cheating on me, so that made it the SECOND time he cheated, and he wound up leaving me for the new girl. Any person that jumps from relationship to relationship, and especially a person who throws out years of relationship for someone else, isn't someone to be trusted. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have run for the hills. You should too. 1
CherryT Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Did you both cheat on your partners and leave them to be with each other? It's hard to have a strong relationship when it started like that. Sure, he picked you, but there was a lot of mistrust in both of you. I don't want to sound harsh, but it sounds like your BF is afraid to be alone. He hurts because he hurt his ex, but cannot let you go because maybe his ex would never take him back. You've only been dating for 6 months... If it was right, your relationship shouldn't be so difficult this early on. What happens when things get serious and you've been together for years, you would not want him to leave you dry like he left his ex.
Author hellischrome Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 (edited) No, he actually told me she wrote to him saying she wants him back but he doesn't want to, because he wants to stay with me. He has been really clear on his thoughts about this, but still I felt hurt by the thing he is emotionally in contact with her. The problem is also that he told me everything just after we started to argue about it, and not before. He said he needs time to elaborate things, and that is why he is having a hard time in coping with all of this. He also said he'd like to see a therapist to sort out things that bother him and finally be in a relaxed relationship with me. Also, I know they cannot be physycally together as we live in Oceania and she is in Europe, but emotional cheating is too tough as well. The thing is that I know him (we have been bestfriends for a year before this happened, and got to know each other well but not from a love relationship side, that's why we have a tough time understanding each other), and I know he is a caring person with pretty much everyone, and of course he is like that with her as well. But he didn't reply to her when she said she wanted to go back with him, and I felt hurt by that as well. Why didn't he clearly said -Look, no, I am with someone else-? I told him I don't wanna be with someone who tries to keep both doors open, and he said he is not doing that. He just wants to keep things open with me, but he is having a hard time in getting over his past relationship (and not specifically the person), and how relaxed he was in it. Edited June 11, 2013 by hellischrome
KatZee Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 No, he actually told me she wrote to him saying she wants him back but he doesn't want to, because he wants to stay with me. Watch what he does, not what he says. My ex said these same things. Him and his ex weren't right together, he didn't love her and hadn't in a long time, he tried to end it so many times but he wanted out. You SHOULD be more worried than hurt that he's in contact with her. And you DEFINITELY need to pay attention to the fact he's doing it behind your back and wasn't up front about it. Again, exactly what my ex did. It was only after I brought it up did he come out and say certain things. I would just be very cautious dating someone fresh out of a 9 year relationship. Regardless if he wants her back or not, there are TONS of memories, and feelings there. Those don't just go away when the relationship ends. Be prepared to be dealing with this for a long time to come. I guarantee you he won't just stop talking to her for you, and if he says he will, he'll just do it behind the scenes so you don't find out. As of right now, again, despite wanting to be out of a relationship with her, she still holds top spot. There has just been too much invested there, and you guys are very new. I see you making the exact same excuses I made for my ex. "He's too nice. He's too caring." I remember saying these exactly same things. When I first started dating my ex he came off super nice, caring, loving, and it made sense that he would try to "be there" for his ex who was sad. Fast forward years I find out he's nothing but a liar, a cheater, doing sneaky things behind my back and not really a nice, or caring person at all. I would never in my lifetime ever seriously date anyone who had an ex still in the picture, or an ex they went out of their way to keep in touch with. It's best to get over one relationship before getting into another.
AMusing Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds very similar to my experiences with my ex; he also ended a very long-term relationship to be with me (no cheating involved). She lived across the country from us. He also continued to keep in very close contact with her, and her pain/struggles dealing with their breakup kept him from fully investing in our new relationship. She begged for another chance, he said no. When he realized how bothered I was by their contact, he started hiding it from me, lying about who had called. A year later, he ended up flying to see her when she got very ill. I snooped, and read some email messages about that weekend he sent to his friends. Nothing happened between them, but the emails made it clear he wished it had. Broke my heart & convinced me never to date someone fresh out of a relationship ever, ever again. You are in dangerous territory, and you have every right to be concerned. I guess my only advice, if you choose to stay with this guy, is to move very, very slowly, and try to protect your heart as much as possible until your boyfriend is able to really move on. 1
Recommended Posts