adore-la-vie Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and half now and we just moved in together about 3 months ago. My problem is that here lately when ever we get into arguments and it is due to him, he gets really mean. Last weekend we got into a huge fight, and trust me when I say this fight wasn't due to me. Anyhow, he started calling me names, telling me to f*&^ off and f^%$ you, called me a stupid bit%$, told me I was nothing with out him, referred me to all of his ex-girlfriends, told me he was better off single, called me a piece of ****, said he was done with us, talked about how he didn't want a girlfriend, said he couldn't trust me, told me I was crazy and needed help, told me I had no right to know what goes on in his life, and that I could go back to my looser ex's because I was just like them. I said nothing back and just cried while he was yelling these things to me. I have asthma and it usually flares when I am really upset. After I got so upset that I was weazing and on the verge of an asthma attack, he finally stopped and he told me that he was sorry for the things that he said and that he loved me, he didn't meant what he said, that he was just mad, and that he needed me in his life. Later on during the day while I was at work, he called and left me a message saying that he was once again sorry and that he is lucky to have someone that cares for him like I do and that he loved me. This has happened more than once. About 3-4 times. My feelings are incredibly hurt and I feel like I'm nothing, like a low piece of nothing. I love my boyfriend with all that I have, but this time I am really hurt. Just thinking about last weekend brings me to tears. Can anyone explain why people do this when they are mad? I have never called him names when I am mad at him. I don't believe its right to do that just beause you are mad. Is this a form of verbal abuse? What can I do?
JoL Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 Yes, he is verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusing you. How do i know? I went through a similar thing with my boyfriend. Judging from what you have said is aware of his mistake AFTER he lets it rip- i give him that much, but it's NO EXCUSE. If you hit him in the face over and over but apologised for it over and over, woudl that be ok?! NO! His half- assed apologies are as good as it gets it seems..he has done it on more than one occassion and will do it again. I know it hurts LIKE HELL. my boyfriend did the same thing to me...a lot. He called me so many names while i was in hysterical tears over things that i didnt think normal couples would even fight about. He made comments that i felt were disgusting and degrading. I honestly started to think i was going crazy, i felt like i was having a breakdown, and the one man who was suppose to love and care for me above all was treating me like i was his common enemy. I told him how much he hurt me, how awful i felt towards him and how i couldnt be with him if he kept doing that. He promised he would stop. It didn't really work, we got into more fights (always started by him for one reason or another).. I then told him if he wants to play it that way then so would i. The next time we got into a fight, he started to get abusive and nasty and instead of sitting back and crying like i have done so in the past, i talked back, i yelled back, i NEVER called him names though. I wasnt going to stoop to his level and give him the satisfaction during the argument. Part of the reason the abuser keeps abusing is that, in their moment of anger, they want to hurt you as badly as they can because they are seeing red. they dont think straight..so when you react with tears, they will keep doing it because they know it's the quickest way to rip you apart. The thing is hun- people that abuse will NEVER change their ways unless they get serious psychological help. My boyfriend doesn't do anywhere near what he used to- but at times during arguments he will still say things, and i just hang up on him now and refuse to take his calls for a while. You have to show this guy that you arent going to take his b.s. Seriously, its hard to stand up to someone when they make you feel so degraded and humilated, but PLEASE don't take this from him. This sort of abuse can lead to violent abuse as well...you DON'T want that. You have to really make him realise that if he doesnt change his ways or get some help that he is going to lose you. Please go to this website it has a TON of links regarding abuse.. http://www.healthcyclopedia.com/mental-health/psychological-abuse.html If things dont change, id say you need to just consider how much of yourself you are compromising by being with someone with a temper and anger problem like him. Honestly, at the end of the day you arent happy with what he is doing to you. don't take it- for the sake of your wellbeing- emotionally and mentally.
Merin Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 What your boyfriend is doing is abuse. The thing about emotional and verbal abuse is, although it doesn't leave any evidence outwardly the way physical abuse does.. it scars you emotionally, lowers your self esteem and confidence and stays with you. Verbally abusive people are very insecure and this is a way of getting control and making them feel empowered. As JoL said.. most verbal abusers do not get better.. and sadly enough more times than not verbal abuse can and will turn to physical abuse. Your boyfriend has got problems and he needs to get help. Please look out for yourself, and if he won't get help.. consider leaving. Good Luck
LaShawn Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 Not only is this absolutely emotional abuse....but why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone that would say such horrible things to you. I agree with the above that he needs help, but you need to be concerned with yourself. This is not a healthy place for you and it could very quickly turn into an unsafe place. Best of Luck to you
9Lives Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 RUN, RUN, Run.....He does not respect you. He does not respect himself. This is going to go on for years and years. He has a problem and you are going to have a big headache and lots of heartache. My heart goes out you because it takes a long time to heal when someone does this to you. It is very damaging. I would walk and give him some time to get some help with that issue.
ohbabyitsawildworld Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 wow... this is funny... not haha funny but rather coincidential... cause i have asthma too and my boyfriend says the exact same things to me. but when mine flares up he just laughs. i wish you the best of luck...really i do.... maybe you can be a better person than me and leave him.
JoL Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 I know it's very hard to understand and i DO NOT agree with being a victim, some people need more help than others to leave or stand up to a person. At the end of the day we ALLOW ourselves to be victims. Nobdody deserves to be talked to in such a manner, but by not walking away you are putting up with it, so he keeps doing it. I hope you visited some of those websites I suggested..
Adunaphel Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 He is being abusive, yes. You said that it happened 3-4 times, and it is a recent thing: My problem is that here lately when ever we get into arguments and it is due to him, he gets really mean. Do you think there is a particular episode that triggered this behaviour? Could he be mad at you for a reason that is not related to the problems you were arguing about? Like, he was building up anger/resentment and the argument just 'triggered' it. Do you have any big, not yet worked out problem in your relationship? I'm asking because on a a few occasions I shouted *very* mean things to my so ...I acted in a way very similar to the way your bf acted with you. (NOT something I am proud of) I was in very big emotional distress because of something my bf was doing(and had been doing for a *lot* of time) that was hurting my feelings pretty badly. *Not* that it justified my abusive words, but anyway I piled up anger and resentment until they 'exploded' and I started acting like your bf is doing now. If there is any chance his behaviour is dued to problems that have not been worked out, I suggest you either go to counseling or at least talk, talk, talk until those problems resurface and then try to discuss them. This might sound crazy, but have you ever tried to ask him why he thinks he is being verbally abusive to you? I hope things will change and he'll put some *serious* effort in stopping doing this. If he doesn't, I'd say walk away before you are hurt furhter.
alicia24 Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 If you are question whether or not its verbal abuse, then it is probably verbal abuse
FolderWife Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 YES. Get out now, before you fall deeper in llove with him...or worse, have kids with him.
Swanny Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 sometimes men tend to use bad language when they r with their friends becos its the thing they do. And he hangs around with his friends a fair bit (im guessing), so therefore u moving in with him creates a bond, a bit like a friendship. So when he gets angry with u he tends to use bad language and hurtful things to say to u becos he cant help it. Its in his nature. just try to talk to him. tell him that ur feeling hurt. There is no help in running away, u just make things worse for urself and him (u have to think for him too, its a relationship). and surely he must think that no matter what u'll love him for who he is, not what he does. im serious bout the talking to him, it will help alot.
SoleMate Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 You can talk to him. It needs to be a real talk - as in, with your requirements spelled out. Boundaries. Things that he CAN say when he is angry, and things that he can NEVER say. I would sit right down and write out a list together with him. Ask him to agree, and sign it, that he will never again use the following 20 words against you. If he breaks the agreement, there will be consequences, which could range from a 1 week break to outright relationship termination. Then stick with it. I have never called him names when I am mad at him. I don't believe its right to do that just beause you are mad. Lots of people agree with you, including many men. Wouldn't it be nice to have one of those? Especially with your asthma - how your supposed SO could be so cruel as to call you those horrible names while you're wheezing and struggling for oxygen, I just cannot imagine. Another thing: In a situation like this, always go for ACTIONS over WORDS. So if he SAYS he's sorry, but then DOES it again...guess what, he's not really sorry. Not sorry enough to exercise any slight amount of self-control. Food for thought: Does he have a job? Does he ever get angry at work? If so, does he scream insults at his boss the way he does at you? No? Why not? Because he knows that he then would no longer have a job - he'd be bounced out on his butt in a heartbeat.
Rez Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 Yes, theres no doubt this is verbal abuse. As a few others have pointed out, he may need psychological help. He definitely has some anger issues. He may honestly be sorry later on, but being sorry will only help him keep his anger in check for so long. As someone pointed out, what good is the apology if he keeps doing it. Its like an alcoholic who keeps saying hes sorry and wants to quit, but keeps drinking. Its also possible hes doing this (either consciously or unconsciously) to lower your self esteem in order to give himself more control. If he continues to say these things and you continue to hear them, chances are your self esteem will get lower and lower until youre to the point that you believe the things he says and will have an even harder time leaving him because you'll feel you dont deserve any better. It may be his way of keeping control and keeping you around. Either way, its not right to treat someone you love that way.
Swanny Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 every male has anger issues, its called testosterone (TNT).
ziggue Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 It's strange how people who are emotionally abusive yell and scream at you then a second later act like they have done nothing wrong suck up to you which sux you right back in and then scream and yell at you again. Wonder how many times has he done this? I dumped my Ex 2 years ago because of the same reason. He drew the line where he acted like that infront of my friends. At a 21st party. For no reason at all. Is that how it was with your boyfriend? Plus he had anger problems and a lot of hang ups in his life. Glad I am not dealing with that at all now. If it was a one off thing maybe something triggered his anger. If it happens more then once and keeps happening leave and get out of the relationship before things get worse. Otherwise you will never be happy.
cassieali Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 I came across her story about her boyfriend verbally abusing her and I thought I was reading about myself. My husband says some of the same exact things as she described. I don't know what to do because I am married and have a four month old baby. I don't have a job or anywhere to go. Even if I did, I also have a eight year old child that I don't want to hurt and drag through a nasty divorce. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't leave, but I also feel like I can't take being called one more name. I think that some men use verbal abuse as a means of control. That's when my husband does it. Like if I don't do something just the way he would've he gets mad and starts calling me names and criticizing me. The thing I don't get is he gets mad over the dumbest things like, I wiped the table off wrong. And, whenever he calls me names he says it's my fault for making him mad. What is a married girl to do without leaving? Please help. I can't hardly deal with this anymore.
mymojo Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 A lot of drama queens play the "I have asthma" card to get out of discussions and arguments that aren't going their way.Perhaps his anger is related to the fact that when he tries to discuss things more calmly you get "too sick" to talk?
katty Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 I don't care how mad he is there is no excuse for that type of abuse. Sweetheart know that you are worthy of respect and you do not accept this type of behavior, it is not enough that he feels so sorry and he was just mad, BS. He knew what he was doing. He is trying to break your spirit. Its a control thing. Please trust that I know what I am talking about. I married a man who started out this same way. If you love him and want to save your r/s I suggest you leave him and do not take him back until he agrees and is in some kind of therapy. The man obviously has some major anger issues and he is getting his point across by verbally abusing you. I only wish I could explain this better to you so that you would know that this is a situation that you need to be out of asap. If you dont' leave this abusive r/s it will destroy your self-esteem and self-worth. It isn't worth it to stay and you will be actually doing your r/s and the guy a favor by insisting on his getting help. If he is a genuine caring person who loves you he will want to get this anger intact . God bless and keep you. Kat
JoL Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 That is TOTAL b.s mymojo. you are so incredibly naive for even suggesting such a thing. A NORMAL person can get angry, say how they feel, explain themsevles and maybe even raise their voice a little bit. Normal people don't swear, threaten, degrade, humiliate, scream the house down, use demeaning language. Ive been there, believe me, if i were an athsmatic, i would be have had trouble breathing during the fights with my boyfriend too. it is an awful experience to have to go through, with someone who is suppose to love you..
SoleMate Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 Yeah. Mymojo, I think your suggestion is totally unfounded. I saw nothing in what the poster said to make me think she was a drama queen and not genuinely asthmatic. In addition, even if she jumped into an iron lung whenever he tried to talk to her, that wouldn't justify her bf calling her "nothing", a "stupid b*tch" and a "piece of sh*t". Those are extremely harsh insults. As to why people use this kind of language, I can think of several possible reasons: * to control and manipulate, as several posters have suggested * fear of abandonment/fear of intimacy * don't know any other way to behave * somehow learned that this is a good way to behave
Amberaine Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 I was in a similar relationship and one thing is for sure, it will not change! He obviously has a problem with controlling his anger. Or better stated he chooses not to control it because it makes him feel good to release it on you! He has remorse after because he knows you are not the reason he feels this way but he has not discovered another way to release his feelings and this works for him. Every person gets upset and angry, that normal, but his actions are not healthy, for him or for you. You love him and I understand that, you can't make that stop, but remember tolerating this is not loving yourself. Eventually you will resent him and maybe even guard yourself from future relationships. For What! To put up with his crap. If it is something he is willing to change give it a shot, but if he doesn't see it as a problem..RUN. Also is he says he will change it and he brakes that promise, RUN, at that point he is just telling you what you want to hear. Good Luck!
MelodyJ Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 Hell yes this is verbal abuse, along with emotional and psyhological as well as previously stated, and no, it won't change. He has anger issues, and is is only a matter of time before it turns physical, in my experience, because one day instead of tears, you are going to get angry and talk back, and he won't like it at all. It will anger him further. Unless he seeks counseling and attends anger management therapy for his behavior, and you are willing to stick with him through it because you truly want a life with this man, get out now. It won't fix itself, and will leave you scarred inside. My b/f couldn't understand when I told him the bruises on my body healed, the scars in my heart are never going to. Unfortuntley, I did see the warning signs early in the relationship, and I ignored them. I let him convince me he was sorry, and believed him. Five years later I get the strength to tell him never again. Don't wait that long.
Author adore-la-vie Posted December 3, 2004 Author Posted December 3, 2004 Mymojo: For you information...my asthma is not a so called "drama queen" act. I very rarely have issues with it. It ususally flares up when I am exercising heavy or when I am very emotionally mad/upset. As for my boyfriend getting mad at me because he is unable to talk to me due to my asthma, that has never happened and it never will. When you have someone saying the things he told me, yelling and screaming them in your face, making you highly emotionally upset, and to top it off you have a slight case of asthma, you will more than likely have an asthma attack.
Author adore-la-vie Posted December 3, 2004 Author Posted December 3, 2004 Thanks to everyone that replied. It was nice to know that what I thought was verbal/emotional abuse really was. We had another fight since my last post and his verbal lashings were ALOT milder and fewer than the last one. Still, they were still very hurtful and uncalled for, so I packed a bag and started to leave. I think that action triggered something in my boyfriend's head. He was on his knees begging me to stay, crying, etc. I have never seen him act this way. He said that he realized how serious his words were and how much they hurt me (even if they were out of anger). I think he realized how serious I was about leaving. I told him the following story: I was in a physically abusive relationship about 8-9 years ago that never turned verbal, it was only physical (weird because they usually fall hand in hand). That boyfriend FINALLY ended up in jail after he tried to kill me by strangling me in front of my parents house all because I left him. Physical abuse heals and then goes away, emotional/verbal abuse leaves scars that never go away. I told my boyfriend that I left that relationship and I would leave this one just as well. I decided to give my boyfriend one more chance. If we get into another arguement and becomes verbal again, you can bet that I am out of here. I realized that if I had the strength to leave a physically abusive relationship and strong enough to survive being attacked the way I was, then I have the strength to leave this one. This one will just hurt more. Thank you....
clandestinidad Posted December 4, 2004 Posted December 4, 2004 I guarantee this will get worse. My ex was verbally and physically abusive. He would verbally push me over the edge, I would go into a room and lock the door, he would open it and throw me around, saying later that he did it because he thought I was going to hurt myself. We got married b/c I got pregnant, and a few months later he grabbed my neck. 2 weeks later he did it again the day after I had surgery, and that was the end of it for me. Chances are, your "man" blames his anger &/or his reactions on something you do. GET OUT NOW, dont believe anything he says, cut off communication b/c he will only manipulate and confuse you. Get out before youre injured, and before you lose all self-esteem and cant get out. Everyone's worth so much more than this, and someone will treat you wonderfully if you allow them the chance to make it happen. Get this guy as far from yourself as possible
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