Stupid things that a WS will say to a BS

[dreamingoftigers]

It doesn't suggest the spouse wouldn't find out, it suggests they didn't do it to hurt their spouse. It means it was collateral damage. Wanting to prevent collateral damages by concealing their action supports what they're saying.

 

I would say, " I didn't mean to hurt you," would equate to," I knowingly risked hurting you, but did it anyways thinking I wouldn't get caught", is more accurate. The other way implies malicious intent rather than carelessness.

 

Essentially:

 

"It wasn't to hurt you, I just didn't consider you at all."

[Spark1111]

How about the opposite... from my WS: I did it in part b/c I wanted to hurt you. You were so mean to me I wanted to punish you.

 

Really?! Then why did you lie about it and cover it up when I started to figure it out?! Why did you continue lie about it when I presented irrefutable evidence?!

 

THAT is classic FOO issues....hello.....was Daddy mean? neglectful? manipulative? YOU were being punished for something that happened long ago!

 

Someone didn't TRY hard enough to meet her needs and make her happy. it was NOT YOU!

 

A grown up says, I need this from you....OR, when you say or do this it makes me feel less than...GET IT?

 

To say you, the spouse, did not try hard enough to make them happy sounds like a tantrumming child....

 

I hope she is in IC so she never blames you again friend.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

"what do you mean you've filed for divorce? On what grounds??? You can't do that! They put that in the paper! People respect me!"

 

First laugh I'd had in a long time! I literally sprained a rib!

[2sure]

During our first reconciliation we had a post nup drawn up that (I thought) would give me more protection shoud we divorce. It was a show of good faith for him.

 

After the second DDay, I found out it was not iron clad and I was screwed.

 

So, I took him back for another reconciliation attempt. This time , because he really had to show me some good faith - we nailed down the terms, iron clad.

 

And THEN I divorced him.

 

Him: " How is it possible you would do this to me after you swore you could forgive me? "

 

Me: "I lied . I made it ALL up. Im actually giddy that you believed me."

[Spark1111]

During our first reconciliation we had a post nup drawn up that (I thought) would give me more protection shoud we divorce. It was a show of good faith for him.

 

After the second DDay, I found out it was not iron clad and I was screwed.

 

So, I took him back for another reconciliation attempt. This time , because he really had to show me some good faith - we nailed down the terms, iron clad.

 

And THEN I divorced him.

 

Him: " How is it possible you would do this to me after you swore you could forgive me? "

 

Me: "I lied . I made it ALL up. Im actually giddy that you believed me."

 

remind me to recommend you for divorce consultation!

 

how about, 1000s of texts, emails, many hotels, future planning bull.....and the very first text I RECEIVE, after I had thrown him out to be with his soulmate was.....

 

"please don't tell anyone....."

 

WHAT???????

[Confused48]

 

and the very first text I RECEIVE, after I had thrown him out to be with his soulmate was.....

 

"please don't tell anyone....."

 

WHAT???????

 

LMFAO! Like he could ask any favors at that point! Holy Cow!

[NordicStripes]

During our first reconciliation we had a post nup drawn up that (I thought) would give me more protection shoud we divorce. It was a show of good faith for him.

 

After the second DDay, I found out it was not iron clad and I was screwed.

 

So, I took him back for another reconciliation attempt. This time , because he really had to show me some good faith - we nailed down the terms, iron clad.

 

And THEN I divorced him.

 

Him: " How is it possible you would do this to me after you swore you could forgive me? "

 

Me: "I lied . I made it ALL up. Im actually giddy that you believed me."

 

Oh, I really like that!!! :-)

[Coolit]

My former MM is lying thru his teeth right now. So bad he even lied to my face about events that transpired between us. And told me I lied to my H. Umm yeah because confessing everything even about fooling around in the same house as my husband was in is a sign I'm trying to make myself look better. One thing I learned from here is if you want to reconcile you have to confess it all. And it was hard. But I digress. The biggest lies exMM is telling his wife

 

1. "We never did anything you didn't know about" (he was in a semi open marriage). If that is true why did he lead me to believe we were doing things that would tick her off... Oh i know. She didn't know

2. "She persued me" i've seen other people say that is common. We were very mutual on this but in most things as someone who was more experienced he took the lead and I followed willingly along because we BOTH wanted it. But now apparently i threw myself at him until he couldn't take it anymore.

3." I was too drunk to remember what happened. The whole weekend is a blur." really because a few days later sober you had no problem remembering. And you weren't that drunk (i do believe people get drunk to the point of blacking out but he was not)

4. She took advantage of me while I was drunk" yep, that's right I raped him...

 

The thing is his BS believes him. Or at least she acts like she does. So I suppose that for some people lying through your teeth does save your butt!

Edited June 15, 2013 by Coolit

[krazikat]

Me: you have been cheating on me.

Him: what? Why would you even think that?

Me: try again, i know you have been cheating. For a long time.

Him: no, i love you. I have never wanted to cheat on you. Where is this coming from?

Me: the gig is up, i know. I effin know. i just got off the phone with your little girlfriend...your secret phone. you need to leave...

 

And this, my friends, was the initial conversation on dday.

 

Gaslighting, anyone?

[seren]

The stupidest, or maybe the thing I didn't need or want to hear was that she could have been anyone, she was a (enter derogatory term), it meant nothing.

 

I would have much preferred to hear she was wonderful, was loved, even liked, was worth putting a bomb under our marriage for. Despite H knowing that my hearing this was a better way for me to understand, he continued to say he was sorry, he couldn't say these things as it just wasn't true and he had lied enough.

 

After D Day I said he was minimising the OW, was not being fair as he too was in the A and it wasn't her fault. I railed when he said things about her that were derogatory and stopped anyone saying things they thought would make me feel better. I needed to hear it was the whole nine yards, the, couldn't stop it because it was so good, not that it was the destructive experience that it was.

 

It would have been easier for H to say that he loved her and it was wonderful, I needed to hear that, but on reflection I am glad that he chose to finally tell the truth. Not so glad for the OW, she fell in love with H and was hurt, I may get flamed for thinking this, but when H has the A he was royally screwed up mentally, that he was able to find a sort of escape from his mind demons by having an A tore me up, but that he had an escape at all was good for him. Just wish that in the process he had found a way that didn't result in any hurt, for either of us.

[Reelyhappening]

drifter, you stayed with your wife after an affair? You were a huge soul to let that go. You didn't let go of all of the bits though, if your curiosity wanted details of the affair. On the other hand, you forgave her and she should be good enough to give the details when you request the details. BUT she wasn't honest with you when she had the affair, when does the honesty begin or end? You've made the big move to forgive, I think wanting the details is just lemon juice on the ouchy...Though I would also add how she is being unfair any way you look at it, to you AGAIN because she wants to please you but wont help destroy your security when you ask her to.

[Damia]

During our first reconciliation we had a post nup drawn up that (I thought) would give me more protection shoud we divorce. It was a show of good faith for him.

 

After the second DDay, I found out it was not iron clad and I was screwed.

 

So, I took him back for another reconciliation attempt. This time , because he really had to show me some good faith - we nailed down the terms, iron clad.

 

And THEN I divorced him.

 

Him: " How is it possible you would do this to me after you swore you could forgive me? "

 

Me: "I lied . I made it ALL up. Im actually giddy that you believed me."

 

Thank you ,thank you this has just made my night :lmao:

[AbeNormal]

I read a few of these on another website and it was surprisingly cathartic to see what some WS's actually said to their BS. The crap they can come up with is amazing.

 

Here's one my wife says all the time:

 

“Oh, I honestly don’t remember that, you have a much better memory about my affair than I do.”

 

Her refusal to clarify facts from back then drives me nuts. I mean, how can you forget details about having sex with another man? She doesn't understand that this is the lie that hurts the most. The thought that she thinks she's "protecting" me is such an insult. She won't believe that coming clean with all the details is the only way to show me she is completely sorry and really is willing to do anything to make it up to me.

 

Drifter,

 

I think we are about the same age. Which leads me to this (possible) realization.

 

Good news for your wife - her long lost twin has been located.

 

She is my wife.

[Lamplight]

My EXWS tried to blackmail me into staying married and to keep my mouth shut. We worked for the same employer at the time and he threatened to schedule a meeting with our bosses and tell them all my secrets. At that moment, I knew I wanted this man out of my life for good. So I got another job and sent him packing for good.

[Queen of Sheba]

WS when asked about the first time they had sex in a hotel room. "I don't know how that happened."

Me: Don't be ridiculous. You had been texting each other God knows how much every bloody day, you had bought her an Xmas present, you spent the day shopping with her and you told her that you wanted to be with her not with your family and it was Xmas.

WS: I don't how we got to the point of being in the hotel.

 

Huh?

 

When I found out "It's not what you think it is"

[save150]

Yep me too. Heard them all.

 

1. I'm glad its over. You finding out is a blessing (DDay 1. HUH? A blessing for WHO?)

 

2. I never meant for this to happen. (Yeah, well, you didn't MEAN for your manhood to find her....[censored] and [censored].

 

3. It was a mistake.

 

4. I'm only trying to get her to end it because she became despondent and I didn't want anyone to commit suicide over me. (After 2nd and 3rd DDAY. Never mind the fact that his BS - me - was contemplating it.)

 

5. She keeps contacting ME! (After 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th. UH, what part of GET LOST or F**K Off did she not understand?)

 

6. I only started talking to her again to make sure you weren't hacking her accounts. (She started a smear campaign against me with some of their mutual high school friends that knew about A. That was number 5, my Nuclear Blast)

 

And the final CLASSIC: #7. I don't know.

[Queen of Sheba]

Someone write a book! Just with lines from the WS and the interpretation from the BS. Might bring some light relief in these horrible times!

 

Here's another on showing the text I was sent from her. "This is just what I didn't want to happen and I tried to avoid" Yep he continued it because he didn't want her to tell me until it all got too much and he had to finish it for his sanity. Pity he didn't do it earlier. Why not? Oh yeah, didn't want to. Same risk.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

As a fws, when the first dday hit my husband didn't know. His bs wanted to keep it a secret for fear of the families, church, etc (most of you know how that ended up). I am not exactly sure what he told her, but he (xom) was trying to keep us both happy and in some weird twisted way she was a part of this triangle.

 

Anyway, many of the lines used are very familiar. I used them.

 

"I don't know if I ever really loved you" - this was sort of blown up when my mother in law produced one of the letters from my husband when we were going to be married and it was so sweet and we WERE very much in love, albeit young.

 

"You are always so controlling". My husband is probably one of the least controlling people - I had more freedom than most.

 

When I discovered my husbands affair almost two years later.

 

"We're just friends" - friends don't text I love yous and say "I want you all of the time" "looking forward to chair time" - yes I had copies of all of those because of spotlight search on the iPhone he didn't know was there.

 

Me: "when did it become physical"

Him: " only recently"

Me "you sure."

Him: "no"

Me: when did it start?

Him: "a few months ago"

Me: "when?;

Him: "February " (this was October when I confronted)

Me:"where and when did you meet"

Him: "only on Tuesdays and at the office - we never went to hotels like you did"

Me: "that makes me feel better - only on Tuesdays?"

Him: " we'll, some Saturdays"

Me: "do you love her"

Him: no

Me:"you told her you did"

Him: "guys will say Anything for sex - you abandoned me"

*mind you we were having sex and I thought recovering fairly well*

 

Ahh yes - affairs suck

[Queen of Sheba]

The stupidest, or maybe the thing I didn't need or want to hear was that she could have been anyone, she was a (enter derogatory term), it meant nothing.

 

I would have much preferred to hear she was wonderful, was loved, even liked, was worth putting a bomb under our marriage for. Despite H knowing that my hearing this was a better way for me to understand, he continued to say he was sorry, he couldn't say these things as it just wasn't true and he had lied enough.

 

After D Day I said he was minimising the OW, was not being fair as he too was in the A and it wasn't her fault. I railed when he said things about her that were derogatory and stopped anyone saying things they thought would make me feel better. I needed to hear it was the whole nine yards, the, couldn't stop it because it was so good, not that it was the destructive experience that it was.

 

It would have been easier for H to say that he loved her and it was wonderful, I needed to hear that, but on reflection I am glad that he chose to finally tell the truth. Not so glad for the OW, she fell in love with H and was hurt, I may get flamed for thinking this, but when H has the A he was royally screwed up mentally, that he was able to find a sort of escape from his mind demons by having an A tore me up, but that he had an escape at all was good for him. Just wish that in the process he had found a way that didn't result in any hurt, for either of us.

I got all this. Just sex, used her, was ill. Don't know that I would have wanted to hear that he loved though. I see what you are saying about the risks. It is truly heartbreaking and unbelievable that my OH could have taken the risks that he did, he could have caught something and passed it to me, he could have got her pregnant, he treated me appallingly while it was going on (to the point at one stage I was considering leaving, the only thing stopping me was that I kept telling myself he was ill, it was in fact the stress of continuing his affair - his choice), he knew she was a bit nuts from a couple of weeks in but did NOTHING to reduce the risks of what she might do if he broke it off, in fact he gave her more ammo, pictures of him, our child and texts, bad mouthed me, pushed me away, wouldn't get help because that would mean stopping the affair, brought her prescence into the house by giving our child 2 presents from her passing them off as off the back of a lorry from someone at work, the selfishness, the hypocrisy, the time away from his family, the lies, all this for something that wasn't important apparently. Now, hearing that he took all those risks, treated me like he did for someone he loved would certainly have been more understandable but as for less hurtful, no. More hurtful? Don't know.

[Queen of Sheba]

I still cannot understand this one in response to why he told her he loved her.

 

"They were only words, don't always believe in what you hear"

 

Okay buddy

 

Now I don't believe a word he tells me in fear of it having no meaning.

yep got that over and over and I said the same thing. How do I know you mean it when you say it to me?

Him: you know if someone means it when they say "I love you".

Really so how come you kept saying it to each other then? Why bother? Both knew you were both just lying. How peculiar why bother? And of course what then what does it say about what you say to me? Oh yes of course you carried on lying after d day after saying you wouldn't. Repeatedly. So you want my trust when exactly?

[Queen of Sheba]

You should all read up on how the brain works, as it would explain a lot of things in this thread. The WS is actually being quite truthful in most cases when they say they don't know why they've cheated. Most people don't know why they do most things. They assume and rationalize, but can't really trace the origination of a thought.

 

All things start out in the subconcsious mind, which does all the thinking, and then feeds the ideas to your conscious. Then your conscious makes decisions on what to do with these impulses, ideas, emotions, etc... The kicker is that the subconscious part of your brain can override your conscious.

 

I know this because I have lower latent inhibition, so stimuli floods my brain like a river, and most people have a babbling brook. To keep from going insane, I had to limit that information so I can concentrate. Uses a tremendous amount of will power. As a side affect, I'm hyper aware of every emotion, impulse, and thought. For most people, they are damming up a river, so these things flow in a corrupt your conscious constantly.

 

Back to my origninal point. The differenence between a cheater and non-cheater comes down to the negative association with actions. The non-cheater feels bad right away, even for flirting. To them, they can't understand how others do it. However, the subconscious will start to alter perceptions of things like cheating, when hormones and brain chemistry alter. When this happens, the subconscious snuffs out the anti-cheating philosophy, and starts feeding your conscious nothing but impulses to act on. Basically, the little angel on your shoulder ceases to exist in that moment. They actually have no clue why they cheat, because it's not rational thoughts driving their actions, just impulse pushed by instinct.

 

Then there are the cheaters that want to. These people just simply didn't have monogamy become a determining part of sexuality in their subconscious.

 

People with strong wills as we call it, don't actually have strong wills necessarily. Instead, they keep feeding their subconscious constantly with fears and negative thoughts about cheating, which makes it tremendously harder to override them. A natural consequence to this though, is often sexual dysfunction.

Alternatively, particularly when it happens more than once and continues for some time and there are periods of time when one can think, it boils down to one thing and one thing only. Pure selfishnesses. Any other trait leads to the same thing, doing it all for selfish reasons. If there was a glimmer of anything that meant the WS thought about the BS at any point the WS would stop. Pure and simple.

 

Also, following your train of thought - one loses their moral compass whilst the subconscious has taken over? Hmmm so how ocme when most if not all of us have really negative thoughts about someone and wantt o hurt them we don't? Or we don't break the Law? Because it is quite possible to override the subconscious with logic and morality! If it wasn't possible to over ride desires for having an affair then those same people would be susceptible to breaking the Law etc. Your argument is flawed and clearly comes from someone who is trying to make excuses. There are no excuses for having an affair. A reason perhaps, but then there is a reason for breaking the Law. How many WS break the Law? Very few I imagine.

Edited July 11, 2013 by Queen of Sheba

[Queen of Sheba]

I'm on a roll:

Told me that he knew from very early on she was a bit nuts, worried that she would tell me and that I should understand how difficult it was for him to get out. Hmmm so why continue for another 3 months after discovering that AND take more risks AND spend more time on her AND be more horrible to me at the time. It was ok for HIM to carry on what he was doing knowing that she was a little bit nuts and to actually actively choose to increase the damage more and more and more and make choices about doing more for her to use but not ok for me to not understand that it was hard for him to stop. My heart bleeds...!

 

Oh and "I might have told you when it was finished but she never gave me a chance". Oh right, it apparently took 3 difficult weeks to finish it knowing that she would probably tell me. Hmmm why not tell me at the start of that 3 weeks save the "hell" you were apparently going through and tell me you had an affair and were now ending it. That'll be because you had no intention of being honest with me ever methinks! Not thinking of telling me in that 3 weeks so you didn't think it the day you finished it did you for crying out loud!

 

Must stop thinking of things to put on this thread I didn't realise just how much crap there was.

[Queen of Sheba]

Liked this thread so much thought it worthy of a resurrection!

 

"It wasn't an affair it was only sex" We worked out over it was over 50 hours a month spent on getting sex. That'll be an affair then.