Rubix123 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I'm in a long distance relationship and its hard when I can't talk to my boyfriend. I'm 24 he's 25... We live 5 hours apart atm. We're saving up to move together to somewhere Inbetween. Recently he has been snappy and short with me which is also a bit of my fault and sometimes he doesn't talk for hours due to busy with family etc I always talk to him when I'm with my family as he expects but where it's the other way around he doesn't for hours It upsets me and usually doesn't tell me when we not gonna talk and just sometimes stops talking for 4 or 5 hours am then when we do talk I wnd up having a go and getting really upset He doesn't listen properly cause my voice just goes on and on and I can't find a way to stop I get so angry and annoyed he need told me and expects me to just keep looking at phone yet I don't text for 30 mins sometime and then he gets really short and snappy about it He seems to have hardly talked to me the past few days And whenever I try ask him why He just shouts and says he doesn't know why and that he's busy And that he's sorry I know he is But he said he's talked even less is cause everytime we talk I get funny and upset basically hysterical at how he hasn't talked and he can't cope but yet he is the same when he gets upsets when I do the same for less time. What can I do?
Roadkill007 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 it's all right to be upset.... but can you please... type.... legibly? Because I seriously have no idea what's going on besides you feeling upset, and thus I can't answer your question. Thanks.
sillyanswer Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I always talk to him when I'm with my family as he expects but where it's the other way around he doesn't for hours It upsets me and usually doesn't tell me when we not gonna talk and just sometimes stops talking for 4 or 5 hours am then when we do talk I wnd up having a go and getting really upset You get upset that he doesn't talk to you for a few hours?
Author Rubix123 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Sorry just he expects me to tell him when I stop talking... But when he does it's okay? He doesn't tell me when he stops talking, I always tell him why I won't be texting him if I'm gonna be busy for a good few hours but yet he doesn't even tell me til later on that night.... Sometimes doesnt talk for 5 hours. Then if I don't reply he would constantly ask why I didn't reply soon enough to a reply from him 5 hours later yet if he does this he thinks it's okay and that I shouldn't make a big deal out of it but yet he makes it out to be a big deal if I do this.
sillyanswer Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 When you say "talking" do you mean talking? or texting? It sounds like you mean texting, so I'm going to suggest that you have a phone call instead and then get on with your own lives for the rest of the evening. You can be upset about it if you like, but make sure you tell him why you're upset (preferably on the phone, not via text message). 1
Author Rubix123 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 When you say "talking" do you mean talking? or texting? It sounds like you mean texting, so I'm going to suggest that you have a phone call instead and then get on with your own lives for the rest of the evening. You can be upset about it if you like, but make sure you tell him why you're upset (preferably on the phone, not via text message). Thanks for your reply. And the Answer is both... Text and phonecall.. I always try to explain but he always makes out that I'm over reacting when I'm not I'm just upset and he doesn't listen to me properly he just goes on and tries to change the subject and says 'well were talking now' but that doesn't help..... He hangs up on me somemtes and says I'm being stupid but what he doesn't remember is that this is the exact same way he acts with me and worse... Hmmmm yeah but we have our set times at night to skype.... He always wants to skype me at night... But then always falls asleep half way through the call or video call... Hence why I want to try talk to him throug the day... I feel although it's a constant battle with myself as if I'm hitting against a brick wall... He just doesn't understand and this is making things worse for me and he gets the wrong end of the stick.
sillyanswer Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 It sounds like this relationship isn't working for you, perhaps due to the two of you wanting/needing different levels of communication. It seems that you want/need to be in touch constantly, and perhaps he doesn't. If it feels like a "constant battle"... why are you still in this relationship? 1
hotpotato Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 You are smothering him, and its driving him nuts. He probably thinks you are acting very needy. I have never met a guy who wanted to talk on the phone frequently throughout the day. Maybe its time for both of you to pick up some hobbies? 1
Treasa Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Stop talking to him when you're doing things with your family, even if he gets angry. Let him get angry. You're supposed to focus on the people you're actually with. Mirror his actions completely. Get hold of your emotions. That's pretty much all I have.
Ursa Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I agree that you both are probably talking too much throughout the day and it's becoming an unrealistic expectation. I disagree that that means that YOU are smothering HIM, as you have said repeatedly that he gets angry/upset when you don't text/call him back right away--I can't really tell, however, if you are getting upset when he doesn't call you back right away primarily because he's being a hypocrite, or if you're just as upset when he doesnt' text back right away as he is, and his hypocrisy is an added frustration tacked on at the end. In any case, it makes perfect sense that you would feel annoyed and disrespected by him not listening to your concerns when they are the same concerns that he expresses to you, and expects you to listen to. However, you do admit that you go 'on and on' about it, presumably with high emotional levels and I'm guessing you get a little incoherent about expressing the heart of what you're really upset about. That part is on you to fix. You need to take a deep breath, pinpoint the sources of your emotional upheaval, and try to express yourself clearly and perhaps more succinctly. Some men have a tendency to write off any emotional language as "hysterical", even if the content is something they themselves get emotional about. If he is that kind of guy, it might be up to you to decide whether you can handle the kind of communication skills that will demand, or whether you want to be with somebody who makes you 100% responsible for mediating all communication issues, or otherwise he'll blow you off. I would personally not find that quality very attractive in a man, however, maybe once you manage to speak calmly to him about it he will see your point and start meeting you halfway. Give him that chance, if you really care about the relationship. I definitely think you both need to come up with more realistic expectations of each other re: calling and texting. It sounds like it's getting a little out of hand, and this is coming from someone who was in an LDR that involved lots of daily communication. However, our communication with each other was a joy, not a battle. Who wants to stay locked in an endless battle? Also agree with PP that you should be paying attention to friends/family when you are with them IRL. Your grumpy-ass boyfriend can wait sometimes, it's not going to kill him. You guys should want each other to have other good things in your lives. Set up some guidelines about communication etiquette. If you're going to be out of contact all day, and you like to handle that by giving him a heads up text instead of just ignoring several incoming texts from him, that's fine and that's the way I like to handle it with my husband too, but people see things differently and have different desires/expectations around texting etiquette. ASK him if he appreciates that, and if he does, if he would be willing to reciprocate. You'd be amazed how just asking someone a simple request can do wonders, over berating them after the fact for not anticipating. Maybe part of the problem is that he's just got his heels dug in like a mule because he doesn't appreciate the way you have approached the issue. Of course, expressing that better is on him. If, after talking with him more calmly and pointedly about this, he still thinks it's acceptable for him to dodge your calls if he's busy, while holding you to a different standard and then refusing to listen when you point out the hypocrisy, well--then you should drop him like a hot potato. That is very controlling behavior and not something anyone should put up with. 1
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