Uh oh...on the cliff

[zevahc]

Almost hesitate to even say anything. I know it isn't good...

 

So xMW (saying x loosely) contacted me today wanting a NSA meeting.

 

Quick history as of past few months. We have been NC a few times and failed and have settled into LC.

 

Boundaries have worked well. No more talks on intimate level. No saying things triggering the deep feelings about missing or loving etc...no talks about our relationship or hers.

 

It's been several months since the PA, and I feel like we've progressed a little ways into something more healthy all things considered. I'm still going to IC and working on these issues.

 

What gets me is how it started. My fault in some way. I told her that I hope our friendship doesn't entirely die. It's obviously never going to be as deep or intimate but that there is effort in any friendship to maintain. Since we don't hang out outside of work anymore I feel like it will take a conscious effort. I realize this is the flaw I committed in general. So she doesn't say a thing other than responding by message that she wants the encounter...

 

I haven't acted on anything. I'm single and tempted...but man...how many steps back am I taking!!!!

 

Ok...throw the stones....i guess I'm trying to be honest here. I'm ready.

[HonestNeurotic]

What's NSA? No Strings Attached code for let's have sex?

 

Because if that's what it is - well - it can't be that for YOU, personally, can it? Because you are in love with her. You want MORE - not just a little bit here and there.

 

Not gonna throw stones. But just don't hurt yourself. If you ultimately want one person to be by your side - then she's not going to be it. If you're cool with a little here and there - then carry on. That's your choice - not hers - but YOURS.

[zevahc]

What's NSA? No Strings Attached code for let's have sex?

 

Because if that's what it is - well - it can't be that for YOU, personally, can it? Because you are in love with her. You want MORE - not just a little bit here and there.

 

Not gonna throw stones. But just don't hurt yourself. If you ultimately want one person to be by your side - then she's not going to be it. If you're cool with a little here and there - then carry on. That's your choice - not hers - but YOURS.

 

I guess that's just it. I don't think I can be the no strings type of guy. I want more. I feel like I'm a puppet to her at times and she knows i am weak. I think she feels like this is her way of showing or telling me she still loves me. I know that's messed up, but I'm kind of noticing a pattern. Like any time I got insecure over the past 2 years this was the "reply"

[ScarlettKaren]

No stones. Just please think about your ultimate well being here. This has more heartbreak for you all over it. It is going to rip what progress you've made away and that can't end well.

[Clemenza]

You have seemed to be fairly rational about your situation since you started posting, so you probably know to proceed with caution and skepticism. You stated you couldn't be the OM anymore, but do you think you could even be her friend? We're in similar positions, and I know I couldn't be just friends with my xMW. It doesn't mean I love or care about her any less, just as it doesn't mean that for you, it's just self preservation. I can't be friends with someone with whom I'm in love but can't be with. Add to that the fact that she might stay in her M after all. I don't think there's any healthy way to carry on a friendship in that situation.

 

If you two just have sex, there's a good chance it will restart the coping clock. Is it worth it just to be with her one or a few more times? I know that's not easy to answer. I have no idea what I would say if my xMW wanted to have sex again with NSA. Actually, I kind of do know. We had sex 4 weeks ago after having not had sex since late November. It was amazing, but it made me miss her even more. Do I regret it? Eh, not entirely. I think the subsequent chain of events would have happened regardless, so part of me is happy that we had "goodbye" sex. The a-hole side of me was happy that I gave her something to remember, in case she ever forgot out much physical chemistry we had. But it did make me pine for her more right after that. Right after it happened, as she was leaving my place, I did tell her that I didn't want to revert back to sneaking around. I said that it was something we were obviously holding in for a while, but it couldn't continue. So at least I was aware of that fact that I didn't want to continue being the OM (even though my actions said otherwise), and I expressed it to her.

 

I don't know what you can handle emotionally but, yeah, proceed with caution.

Edited June 10, 2013 by Clemenza

[AussieLady]

I'm standing with you on the cliff zevahc and trying not to jump off. Maybe we can pull each other back off the edge so we both don't do something we are going to regret?

 

Three weeks ago, after our first NC, we planned a meeting for today (in 2 hours time). At no stage, even after initiating our second NC (almost 2 weeks ago) did I say I wouldn't be there.

 

It wouldn't hurt if I just drove past to see if he was there, would it? It doesn't mean anything is going to happen. I also proposed the NSA and he agreed, but hearing from both you and Clemenza has made me realise that it only weaves the strings stronger.

 

Doesn't help that things aren't good at home, but I just need to keep looking at my kids to see what I would be throwing away.

 

Good luck, thinking of you.

[whichwayisup]

No, don't go meet her. It'll mess you up and there's no way a no strings attached deal can happen.

 

Do NOT go hook up with her.

[georgia girl]

The poster who said that this would not be an NSA meeting for you was right. SHE may be having an NSA meeting; YOU would be hoping to reconnect with her. You have different objectives and hope for different outcomes. So, it's NOT an NSA. Is this really something you want to do? IMHO, it sets you up for so much more hurt and disappointment, but it needs to be your call.

 

In my long ago past, I did that once with an ex-boyfriend. We had broken up, stayed apart for a pretty long time and then had become "friends" again because we shared the same social group. One day, we had a "what's the big deal?" hookup. Well, it was a big deal. I was not being honest with myself and I had wanted more. I got my heart broken all over again. In fact, because I knew it was going to happen, I cried immediately after the act. I wouldn't recommend anyone set themselves up for that kind of hurt.

 

Please think. That's it. And if in the end you decide to risk it, then go ahead. I wish you luck and I won't judge you either way.

[zevahc]

You have seemed to be fairly rational about your situation since you started posting, so you probably know to proceed with caution and skepticism. You stated you couldn't be the OM anymore, but do you think you could even be her friend? We're in similar positions, and I know I couldn't be just friends with my xMW. It doesn't mean I love or care about her any less, just as it doesn't mean that for you, it's just self preservation. I can't be friends with someone with whom I'm in love but can't be with. Add to that the fact that she might stay in her M after all. I don't think there's any healthy way to carry on a friendship in that situation.

 

If you two just have sex, there's a good chance it will restart the coping clock. Is it worth it just to be with her one or a few more times? I know that's not easy to answer. I have no idea what I would say if my xMW wanted to have sex again with NSA. Actually, I kind of do know. We had sex 4 weeks ago after having not had sex since late November. It was amazing, but it made me miss her even more. Do I regret it? Eh, not entirely. I think the subsequent chain of events would have happened regardless, so part of me is happy that we had "goodbye" sex. The a-hole side of me was happy that I gave her something to remember, in case she ever forgot out much physical chemistry we had. But it did make me pine for her more right after that. Right after it happened, as she was leaving my place, I did tell her that I didn't want to revert back to sneaking around. I said that it was something we were obviously holding in for a while, but it couldn't continue. So at least I was aware of that fact that I didn't want to continue being the OM (even though my actions said otherwise), and I expressed it to her.

 

I don't know what you can handle emotionally but, yeah, proceed with caution.

 

You're probably right. I'm not sure there is any way I can ever just be friends with her...I'll always hurt...always wish it was more. Does that mean I can't do that? I'm not sure....i think I can be one of those people that carries some hurt around...I'm hoping that ultimately it's erased by someone. I'm not sure it's healthy either.

 

I'm standing with you on the cliff zevahc and trying not to jump off. Maybe we can pull each other back off the edge so we both don't do something we are going to regret?

 

Three weeks ago, after our first NC, we planned a meeting for today (in 2 hours time). At no stage, even after initiating our second NC (almost 2 weeks ago) did I say I wouldn't be there.

 

It wouldn't hurt if I just drove past to see if he was there, would it? It doesn't mean anything is going to happen. I also proposed the NSA and he agreed, but hearing from both you and Clemenza has made me realise that it only weaves the strings stronger.

 

Doesn't help that things aren't good at home, but I just need to keep looking at my kids to see what I would be throwing away.

 

Good luck, thinking of you.

 

Thanks AussieLady. I'm here if you need me to try and talk you off the cliff...I appreciate your encouragement....

[zevahc]

She'll never pick you. She'll never leave her husband. She will continue to make you settle for less than you deserve.

 

She wastes your time, your energy and your love. She compromises your ability to live a full, healthy life, filled with worthy dreams and aspirations.

 

She is a rock tied around your waist, dragging you under the waves. She will eventually drown you. Then she'll cut and run, while you have to try and recover.

 

Do you need more?

 

Metal_chick...while 51% of me tells me you're right...this 49% of me thinks otherwise....and for some damn reason...that is enough at times. I want more..I really do..and I'm trying to crawl out...IC is helping a lot....but I think it's a slow road for me. I truly truly think she is a selfish person...and will drag me down...even though maybe she wishes she wouldn't....I say that because she has told me herself how selfish she is...she wants me...doesn't want someone else to have me...and says she knows it's selfish...says she loves me...wants me to move on...but then at the same time she doesn't.. She hopes something will work itself out...but I don't know what she is expecting...I think she wishes her marriage issues would resolve themselves (him asking for a D) rather than her having to face it and be the mean one....

 

Anyhow...you guys have all been there for me...a voice of reason at many times...and for that...I am very very thankful. This place has been the one place I could turn when I couldn't cry or talk to anyone.

[Lillyfree]

Metal_chick...while 51% of me tells me you're right...this 49% of me thinks otherwise....and for some damn reason...that is enough at times. I want more..I really do..and I'm trying to crawl out...IC is helping a lot....but I think it's a slow road for me. I truly truly think she is a selfish person...and will drag me down...even though maybe she wishes she wouldn't....I say that because she has told me herself how selfish she is...she wants me...doesn't want someone else to have me...and says she knows it's selfish...says she loves me...wants me to move on...but then at the same time she doesn't.. She hopes something will work itself out...but I don't know what she is expecting...I think she wishes her marriage issues would resolve themselves (him asking for a D) rather than her having to face it and be the mean one....

 

Anyhow...you guys have all been there for me...a voice of reason at many times...and for that...I am very very thankful. This place has been the one place I could turn when I couldn't cry or talk to anyone.

 

why do you settle for 49% of a possibility that someone isn't treating you like cr*p?

 

sorry man, but metal chick is 100% right. not only has MW shown with her actions what she's like, but she's even TOLD you - and you still hang onto some hope that it's she's not like that...

 

if she's willing to have a NSA 'meeting' with you, and she's staying married - her feelings aren't as deep as yours. if she loved you and as much as you do her she'd be staying away. out of respect for you and to protect herself.

being able to throw you a mercy shag every now and then... i don't even know where to start with that one. it speaks loud and clear what you are to her.

how can you love someone like that? she's weak, indecisive, a user.

 

what is it that you love about her?

[Praying4Peace]

I know how you feel. If she saw once more what you had she would change her mind, that there might be a CHANCE she would change her mind.

 

Right?

 

That would be a normal feeling.

[zevahc]

Metalchick is 100% right. I shouldn't settle for this for my life. And don't plan on it. I think honestly though that as jacked up as it is, she is just as messed up. She probably does really love me. I know she does in fact. It's just her selfishness is bigger than her love in the weak moments. Not saying its right. It's fact.

 

But thank you for being so in your face. It's what I need.

 

I know the feelings are normal. I'm actually not expecting at all for her to change her mind. I think she's perpetually stuck in a loop of what she wishes and what is...from what I know the H is a good guy. Just not what she thought about marriage being. And there isn't more. She realized she can't have everything but also realized she made a choice when she said yes...she may not be living the vow out how she should. But I think she is unwilling to walk away. So choice is made. I'm just going through the motions...and even though it doesn't sound like it, I feel like week to week I'm making some strides with the boundaries that have been there as well as IC.

[zevahc]

I know how you feel. If she saw once more what you had she would change her mind, that there might be a CHANCE she would change her mind.

 

Right?

 

That would be a normal feeling.

 

Kinda. I'm not really expecting any changes. I still haven't pulled my heart away entirely. Wish I could, but it just hasn't been like that...no bad or bitter endings. Just walking away because its the thing to do.

[zevahc]

Hearing that never gets old. Some of the peeps on the Break Ups forum act like I've skinned a puppy in front of them when I dole out advice..

 

You are seriously funny...this made me laugh.

 

Go 100% NC. Don't sign off. Change your number. Disappear.

I wish it were that easy...I work with her...otherwise...i would have stayed NC for much much longer...I did and have enjoyed the forced NC's during vacations etc...because they were healthy...not because I didn't miss her. I'm making strides...just not there. I'll keep you posted ;-)

[AussieLady]

There are no obstacles to love, except people. People stand in the way. Not vows, not mortgages, not having kids, nothing.

 

This is an interesting thought and surprisingly one my OM also kept saying to me. . I know deep down I do love my husband, but it is the vows I made and the kids we have that are the obstacle to pursuing the love I feel for OM. I get that I, as a person, am making that decision so technically I am the obstacle but if not for the kids and the vows I made, I would not be trying to work on my marriage.

 

I think if I looked at it as if I was the only obstacle I would be with him now, so I need to believe there are other obstacles.

 

Then again, I am having a bad day today and I am trying to convince myself that NC is essential.

 

Sorry for hijacking your thread.

[zevahc]

Sorry for hijacking your thread.

 

Well, it certainly isn't just about me...I think we are all are struggling with human weaknesses that are similar enough that we can learn from one another...and grow.