He is not replying anymore

[BeholdtheMan]

I always knew he was a player, and a liar

If you jump into a swimming pool, you'll get wet

[groupergirl]

Although I am not where I want to be, reading this site has helped me more than you would know. The raw feelings and the raw truth kicked me up a notch and is helping me get over what many here have been through or are going through.

 

I refuse to let someone treat me the way my ex did. IT WAS MY FAULT FOR BEING WEAK FOR ALLOWING HIM TO WALK ALL OVER ME.

 

My ex is not the little innocent boy I once knew in grade school. He grew up to be a liar, user and a cheat. I will not be his only victim.

 

Continue to read the post for as long as you need but you must act on the knowledge learned here. NC means No Contact. Just in case anyone is wondering.

 

Thanks to many here I am now on my way. I am looking forward to meeting a really cool guy. My ex will be trying to keep his new relationship which was started under lies a float. I don't understand how someone can imagine a real relationship when they started out as the other women. He truly thinks he has traded up. Maybe he has but something tells me the drama is just beginning.

[forgetmenot75]

forgetmenot75 thank you so much for being so brave and sharing your feelings. I just read this whole thread and seeing you go up and

down and being so willing to reach out for help and be raw about how you're feeling is a HUGE strength.

I can totally relate to everything you've said and I think most people on this site can. You're also getting some wonderful advice. You need to get yourself together girl!

 

I'm 3 months NC after three years of being caught in a terrible unhealthy cycle of emotional dependence on a man like I had never experienced in my life before. I think you may be experiencing something similar so I'll share with you what's been helping me stay NC for 3 months. Because I have a long commute I listen to a lot of audio books, but these are available in print too.

 

Obsessive Love: When Passion Holds You Prisoner Audiobook | Susan Forward | Audible.com

 

Key things you'll take away from here is that:

• Rejection breeds obsession
  
• The obsession cycle is reinforced by your thoughts which generate feelings which lead to behaviors.
  These three things working together keep you stuck
  

 

Thought: "He only used me for sex while he was waiting for the older woman whom he loves to be available"

Feeling: anxiety, sadness, anger, rejected, less than, uninteresting, worthless, foolish...

Behavior: Cyber stalking him (to try to alleviate the feelings)

 

But the behavior of cyber stalking him doesn't make you feel better, it actually reinforces the obsession

because now based on new evidence your cyberstalking presented something like this will happen:

 

Thought: "What?!?! He posted pictures of the two of them on facebook? It's true he only used me for sex.

Now that she's available to him he'll never call me again and they'll be happy together forever while I'm alone and will be alone forever"

Feelings: shock, frantic, humiliated, helpless, hopeless

Behavior: Calling/Texting him

 

The compulsion to get rid of the feelings will be too strong because feeling those feelings is really quite awful.

That book teaches you how to break the obsessive cycle by interrupting it in one of those three areas: Thoughts -> Feeelings -> Behaviors.

 

The second book I'd like to recommend is called Neurosis and Human Growth by Karen Horney. It's a classic.

Here is a link to the chapter that rang so true for me and has helped me to really start to understand my situation:

Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization - Karen Horney - Google Books

 

I hope these help. The second book may be a little too dense (it's a classic!) and your situation is not as bad as mine, but I included it

because the beginnings of my situation were very similar to what you're describing and I don't want you to go through what I went through/am going through.

 

Thank you. I bought the audio book yesterday, the first one. Its hard to hear it though

[forgetmenot75]

This is not the truth and you know it.

 

Thank you. You always make me see how things are/were. I wish you were here

[Sunshine87]

How are you doing?

[forgetmenot75]

Hi,

 

I'm a little bit better, I think. I'm listening to that audio book about obsessive love and it's extremely revealing.

Still, he's on my thoughts 80% of the time. I go to the supermarket, I think of him and all the products he used to buy there. I;m driving, and I think I'm seeing his car everywhere. I remember being with him, and still feel stupid butterflies. I see I have no texts from him, and want to cry.

I remember when everything was OK (was never OK, cause he always rejected me, but at least we had contact) and I feel a deep, deep sadness.

 

Very sad because now I understand this is really over. In fact, we never had a start, we've had nothing indeed. It was all on my mind, he only saw sex where I saw love. Very painful to realize this.

[yyyme]

Hi! Awesome that you got the book, it helped me sooooo much. I hope it helps you too. That sucks about the sound though, did you get it through audible? I'm having no issues with it being too quiet and I've listened to it through my macbook with iTunes and on my iphone with the audible app.

 

Maybe you could try their support line? We?re great listeners, too « About Audible

[yyyme]

Ugh. my reply to you got erased accidentally. Hopefully there won't be a double post now

 

I tried saying that I know you're probably having to think all those thoughts so that you can grieve, but I hope you don't get stuck in them too long. Hopefully soon you'll get to the section in the book where she asks you to keep a journal of these kinds of thoughts and what triggers them for two weeks and then in two weeks you'll be able to go over it and start kicking love's ass. By the way this guy you're all spun on sounds pretty lame. Who has time to get drunk every night?

[forgetmenot75]

Ha, lately, I'm getting drunk every night ugh.

I don't know, he made me believe his life was full of parties, friends, women...He was always texting someone else, he was always with friends, always getting drunk at bars...I dunno. Maybe for that reason he had no time for me. Or maybe he thought I was asking too much...

thing is I have waves of desperation, like 15 minutes ago, when the simple thought of not having any plan to see him to have sex (yes, that's the truth, we always meet to have sex) left me feeling very empty and awfully sad.

 

 

Oh, I meant, the CD it was hard to listen, because the things it says, not because it has any problem. I find it difficult because I feel like its talking about me

[yyyme]

Oh, I meant, the CD it was hard to listen, because the things it says, not because it has any problem. I find it difficult because I feel like its talking about me

 

lol at me thinking you were saying there is something wrong with the audio.

 

Try not to get too down on yourself about the book being too close for comfort. When you're already feeling rejected and looking for things to beat yourself up with (and you're definitely doing that) anything can start to look like the answer or something to feel bad with. Use the book as a positive tool to help yourself build some skills to start to feel better. The part that connected thoughts to feelings to behaviors was revolutionary for me. I'm into my second week of obsessive thought journal. Honestly, I haven't finished the book yet. I bought it last week when I was about to crack and break my 3 months of NC.

 

I can relate a lot to what you're going through. I was also married and it's post marriage that I got into this obsessive emotionally dependent unhealthy relationship. I wasn't with my ex while I was married and I didn't leave my ex husband for my current ex, but I think my divorce had something to do with my current situation.

 

For example I felt incredibly secure and safe in my marriage and my ex husband was an awesome guy. I initiated the divorce and felt really bad about it. Then after we got divorced I spent 2 years running around dating. I got rejected once and I had two sort of mutual rejections; having no major drama other than the guilt of divorcing a man I promised to stay with for the rest of my life and I couldn't explain what he did wrong. And then I met my ex (the bar/girls thing you describe is very similar to my ex) and I can't type any more because I don't want to spend the rest of the evening obsessing

 

Did you have pretty stable relationships until this one? Is your pattern to kind of obsess or is this the first time?

Edited June 26, 2013 by yyyme
for clarity

[Sunshine87]

Ha, lately, I'm getting drunk every night ugh.

I don't know, he made me believe his life was full of parties, friends, women...He was always texting someone else, he was always with friends, always getting drunk at bars...I dunno. Maybe for that reason he had no time for me. Or maybe he thought I was asking too much...

thing is I have waves of desperation, like 15 minutes ago, when the simple thought of not having any plan to see him to have sex (yes, that's the truth, we always meet to have sex) left me feeling very empty and awfully sad.

 

 

Oh, I meant, the CD it was hard to listen, because the things it says, not because it has any problem. I find it difficult because I feel like its talking about me

 

 

Are you in touch with your ex- husband?

[forgetmenot75]

lol at me thinking you were saying there is something wrong with the audio.

 

Try not to get too down on yourself about the book being too close for comfort. When you're already feeling rejected and looking for things to beat yourself up with (and you're definitely doing that) anything can start to look like the answer or something to feel bad with. Use the book as a positive tool to help yourself build some skills to start to feel better. The part that connected thoughts to feelings to behaviors was revolutionary for me. I'm into my second week of obsessive thought journal. Honestly, I haven't finished the book yet. I bought it last week when I was about to crack and break my 3 months of NC.

 

I can relate a lot to what you're going through. I was also married and it's post marriage that I got into this obsessive emotionally dependent unhealthy relationship. I wasn't with my ex while I was married and I didn't leave my ex husband for my current ex, but I think my divorce had something to do with my current situation.

 

For example I felt incredibly secure and safe in my marriage and my ex husband was an awesome guy. I initiated the divorce and felt really bad about it. Then after we got divorced I spent 2 years running around dating. I got rejected once and I had two sort of mutual rejections; having no major drama other than the guilt of divorcing a man I promised to stay with for the rest of my life and I couldn't explain what he did wrong. And then I met my ex (the bar/girls thing you describe is very similar to my ex) and I can't type any more because I don't want to spend the rest of the evening obsessing

 

Did you have pretty stable relationships until this one? Is your pattern to kind of obsess or is this the first time?

 

Yes, all my life I've been wanting what I cannot have. this time, however, is the worst, because of the sex involvement, and this powerful desire to be with him, and be part of his life.

I got obsessed before, but it was mostly platonic, and never lasted very long. I have difficulties letting go though, I'm worried this time will take a lot of time an effort.

I can't see any improvements yet, so, yes I'm very worried right now. I'm doing whatever is necessary to let him go, thoughts are the hardest part since I find myself thinking about him and daydreaming (still).

how are you feeling today?

[forgetmenot75]

Are you in touch with your ex- husband?

 

 

Yes, I am still in touch. I feel nothing for him, I see him as a friend, though he still loves me. I am the dumper and a the dumpee at the same time. how funny is that?

[Sunshine87]

Hmmm it is ironic. Did you hurt him?

[forgetmenot75]

Yes, he's hurting.

[Sunshine87]

Are you sure that you feel absolutely nothing for him?

Otherwise how are you feeling today?

[forgetmenot75]

I feel that at this point, the only thing I can feel is pain for the lost relationship.

I stopped loving my husband so long ago, and it was all dead at the time I started seeing the other guy.

 

I feel like my life is a complete mess right now, my feelings all over the place.

Why would I wanted to be with someone who didn't love me at all? Why did I put myself in such situation? I got rejected by him a lot of times, yet I continued insisting, and chasing him, and hoping he will love me and save me.

In the meanwhile, I decided not to pay attention to the man who loved me inconditionally, with whom I spent a considerable amount of time.

 

Gladly I'm doing some counseling, and listening to the audiobook some one recommended me here, to try to put some order in my life. I believe this was something it was going to happen sooner or later

[forgetmenot75]

I woke up exhausted this morning, thinking how can be possible he just stopped contacting me like he did. He couldn't care less and he's happy for sure now, starting a relationship with the love of his life.

I just hate to be in this horrible position. I feel rejected, ignored, used.

 

I'm starting to talk to another guy, we havent meet yet, but comparisons are there all the time. I miss the mystery, the excitement, I miss being with him. I miss trying to fix him and to make him love me. I know it sounds sick, but I miss the obsession and the uncertainty of not knowing what was coming next with him. I feel empty without these things, and I don't know if this other guy can make me feel butterflies again.

 

I'm angry my ex disappeared from me. It's going to be three weeks soon, I'm hoping all the remaining feelings will slowly disappear...

[aloneinaz]

I woke up exhausted this morning, thinking how can be possible he just stopped contacting me like he did. He couldn't care less and he's happy for sure now, starting a relationship with the love of his life.

I just hate to be in this horrible position. I feel rejected, ignored, used.

 

I'm starting to talk to another guy, we havent meet yet, but comparisons are there all the time. I miss the mystery, the excitement, I miss being with him. I miss trying to fix him and to make him love me. I know it sounds sick, but I miss the obsession and the uncertainty of not knowing what was coming next with him. I feel empty without these things, and I don't know if this other guy can make me feel butterflies again.

 

I'm angry my ex disappeared from me. It's going to be three weeks soon, I'm hoping all the remaining feelings will slowly disappear...

 

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right".. Remember that quote. You're allowing yourself to be fixated on this failed relationship, on a guy that doesn't want you in his life. It's not easy to simply push those thoughts out of your mind. I get that. I'm 4 weeks since break up and NC with my toxic ex. I know in my hearts of hearts that I should of dumped her ass months ago. Do I still think about her, hell yea but I also remember all the crappy things she did to me over the past 6 months as well. This keeps me on track to continue to move on away from her. Each week gets easier. I'm a huge believer in Karma and know what comes around goes around. I feel in control of this situation. I'm glad I didn't end it because I would of always had doubts about the decision even though I know I should of ended it.

 

I feel like I have some power now. I'm very proud of the kind of boyfriend I was to her and her kids. I loved all three of them unconditionally. I miss her kids like crazy. But, at the end of the day, she said to me by dumping me, "I don't want you in my life anymore".

 

Two things help me. I'm glad I disappeared from her life after she did this. She'll never hear from me again. When I think about her or have stupid thoughts of getting back with her again, all I can think about is how quickly the honeymoon phase would end and she'd go right back to her nasty self.

 

I'm dating and you should try too. Is it a magic cure to get over a relationship, no. But it is nice to have attention from the opposite sex and remind me that there are SSOO many other women out there who don't have all the SERIOUS issues my ex had and want a normal, loving, supportive relationship.

[Infinity0]

Hi, I'd never guessed he could do this to me. This is a guy who I've been having a relationship for the last 6 months.

We texted Saturday night, we agreed to meet today, yet he told me he had to see if he was available, and never confirmed. I went to sleep.

Yesterday I texted him that I was assuming we weren't meeting today, and that I saw him online in a dating site, that I was very sad and angry.

 

No reply.

 

This morning I texted him again: "This is the first time ever you don't text me back. Your actions, more than your words, represent what you really are. I don't know how you can be happy being like this. Good luck with your life"

 

That was 6 hours ago. no reply

 

I proceed to block him (I can't block him on my iphone though). I'm very sad, I always knew he was a player, and a liar, but be always was there for me, and he never cancelled our meetings. I'm feeling awful, I don't know how to feel better now...

 

"ur actions represent WHAT u really ARE?" "Good luck with your LIFE"???? come onnnnnn don't give him that kind of power!!! Ur first mistake was to act so bothered. I wouldn't contact u if I were him either.

[forgetmenot75]

"ur actions represent WHAT u really ARE?" "Good luck with your LIFE"???? come onnnnnn don't give him that kind of power!!! Ur first mistake was to act so bothered. I wouldn't contact u if I were him either.

 

OK, now I'm feeling awful and totally messed up. Should I text him apologizing for my behavior?

[aloneinaz]

OK, now I'm feeling awful and totally messed up. Should I text him apologizing for my behavior?

 

 

NNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 

 

He's going to get a restraining order on you and think you're a total nutt job!

 

Let it go. It was a short relationship. Where's your pride and self esteem? You got this guy in a relationship, you can get another that might be MUCH Better than him.

[forgetmenot75]

NNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 

 

He's going to get a restraining order on you and think you're a total nutt job!

 

Let it go. It was a short relationship. Where's your pride and self esteem? You got this guy in a relationship, you can get another that might be MUCH Better than him.

 

gosh...it sounds like I am nuts. what's wrong with me??

I just don't want him to think I am nuts. I was always like this with him, always getting mad because he was dating other women. It's like he got the worst of me, because I was so angry all the time. ugh.

 

But I don't want him to be scared of my actions! I'm a nice girl, just a little obsessed

[aloneinaz]

gosh...it sounds like I am nuts. what's wrong with me??

I just don't want him to think I am nuts. I was always like this with him, always getting mad because he was dating other women. It's like he got the worst of me, because I was so angry all the time. ugh.

 

But I don't want him to be scared of my actions! I'm a nice girl, just a little obsessed

 

Girl, you need to re-read what you just wrote here. That's pretty scary and is probably why he's not with you anymore. If you were truly that way, you need to really get into therapy to address this or you're going to be alone the rest of your life.

[Zahara]

gosh...it sounds like I am nuts. what's wrong with me??

I just don't want him to think I am nuts. I was always like this with him, always getting mad because he was dating other women. It's like he got the worst of me, because I was so angry all the time. ugh.

 

But I don't want him to be scared of my actions! I'm a nice girl, just a little obsessed

 

You're always like this with him because you can't control the feelings of being rejected by him. The more he runs, the more you chase. Guys don't find women that do that attractive. Notice how he was chasing a woman that wasn't paying him the attention he was seeking? When someone wants you, you don't have to chase. It's not his fault. Even when you knew he wasn't interested in you that way, even when you knew he was a player and a liar, you still kept chasing. The responsibility for where you are is 100% on you.

 

Scared of your actions? No. He doesn't care about your actions. Turned off is what a man will feel when you behave this way.