Check FB to kill hope??

[mtnbiker3000]

Well....After all these replies, I am starting to feel like the drunk guy at the AA meeting. I guess all I wanted to do is share the fact that seeing her happy and with someone else killed all hope and allowed me to close the book on that chapter in my life. It honestly saved me from a time that I will never forget and never want to experience again..

 

Thought perhaps someone else might benefit from the same type of closure..Im sorry..

 

Hope all get over their ex's soon and start to live a true and fulfilling life. Its too short as it is to be wallowing in the crap. If NC is the only way, then stick to it and get healed ASAP.

 

TFY

 

No worries. At least you were honest and forthcoming about your own experience. Just not with the majority

[mtnbiker3000]

I think mbt it would be very empowering for you if you can resist the urge to check.

 

Thanks!! But actually not too much to resist. I really never wanted to check on her, but started to think it might be a helpful move. Now, not so much...

 

Yeah, seems like you have a lot of ex's

 

BTW - Thought you officially left LS a couple of weeks ago?!?!? Well, anywho, glad you've come back

[Suave]

FB does this annoying thing where the people you interact with most keep showing up on your profile page. I'm getting a little tired of seeing my ex every time I log in, even though I never go to her page anymore.

[EmptyWalls]

Not to mention I started having dreams of her again since then. I can't even remember the dream now, only I woke up in tears (DA ***!?). I think it depends on the person and at what stage of healing you are at. I mean as long as me and her were together, I know it will take me awhile. It does make it easier to tell my self "well she jumped into that quick did she care at all?" or "wow thats who she left me for!?!? LOL". Still hurts though. It helps me to see she is not the person I fell in love with anymore. Im not sure who she is, but i do know she's someone who don't give a care about me, and that helps.

[bluegreen]

It took me just one time to see something on his FB to right away delete him

relief has been immediate and as someone said ignorance is really bliss ...

[Leigh 87]

The easiest way to kill hope, for me personally, is by going No Contact, and them never coming back.

 

That says enough, without you having to have that meltdown when you officially hear that yes they have hooked up or yes they have fallen in love with a new lover.

 

The thing is, if you give No Contact 6 months to a year, or even longer, without finding anything out; you will being indifferent and STOP caring.

 

The fact you're writing this perhaps implies you would still sting. Hell you would. Sorry. I can feel it. You have energy left to write about her, therefore you would probably care. At least a little.

 

Even though it is a given that she has hooked up or dated new people by now. It would probably still sting to find their pictures plastered all over social media:sick:

 

Why risk putting yourself through acute pain again?

 

Look, I think that; until you fall in love again yourself, it will always sting to hear they are with someone new. That is just me though. Everyone will be different.

 

It probably depends on how much you loved them and how long you were together. Personally, even if NC works accordingly, it will be a LONG time before I can actually handle hearing that he is with someone new. At least 6 months, probably a year before I am totally indifferent. Knowing me and how MUCH I loved them.

 

....... You're single, I take it, mtbiker?

 

Once I find love again, is the day I 100% stop caring. Until then, even with months of No Contact, I think I would feel a FAINT sting if I found out they were really into a new person.

 

I hope I am wrong, and that months of No Contact will be all I need to not care AT ALL.

 

I guess it is an ego thing! I mean, how dare they reject you, and then go and find a person they actually WANT to be with (which is not YOU), before you go on and find a person you fall in love with?

Yep. Definitely an ego thing. Because I will let go of the pain of missing him with No Contact and not hoping he will be back anymore. I guess the ego kicks in then and wants YOU to be the first one to find someone you want to be with (that is not them!)

 

Anyways OP, I hope you find what you're looking for with your decision.

 

I can see where you're coming from. I left the idiot, with them saying that they are soo not ready for other woman/they are still in love with me/they want to be with me badly/they are not ruling anything out.

 

I am hoping that silence from them and time and one day, finding new love and being happy alone in the meantime, will be enough.

 

I do not want them being with another person to be THE thing that gets me "totally" over them:sick:

 

I went through that a few days ago before No Contact. I rang up, his sister answered, and rudely informed me that "he was busy" , in a way that implied a girl was over. Which was not actually true (she is just a bitchhh).

Trust me. It would be way easier to just do No Contact without ever hearing from them again, than to have to officially HEAR it:sick:

[Mack05]

Thanks!! But actually not too much to resist. I really never wanted to check on her, but started to think it might be a helpful move. Now, not so much...

 

Yeah, seems like you have a lot of ex's

 

BTW - Thought you officially left LS a couple of weeks ago?!?!? Well, anywho, glad you've come back

 

I more or less have left. Its hard to help people who are hurting so bad. Especially when u consider at times I have the sensitivity of a horny buffalo! From time to time I will pop onto the threads where I hope/feel I can make a little difference. The gigs thread, nc thread are the iconic threads that people who are hurting should just read again and again. For support and encouragment u have far more classier people then me to help.

[bugera6262]

Honestly.. I did it yesterday... And it freaking hurt really bad. But it killed all hope. And you know what. I feel better. Im in acceptance mode right now. And Im thinking of a positive future with another girl. You helped me earlier, I hope this helped you. Why should she be having fun and you just be depressed. Its not fair. We live one life. We need to find our own happiness. Best of luck to you.

[Mack05]

I'm not going to tell you what to do because only you know if your strong enough to do it. I haven't seen my ex in 3 months and have had LC (nothing personal). I was at a point where I was starting to feel pretty good. I knew she was seeing the guy she broke our 7rs off for. I logged into facebook one day to see she unblocked me.... why now? I clicked on her page knowing what I was going to find and found worse. She met him online and recently drove states away to meet this guy.

 

This is the first time they have met and she posted picture of them together and one of them brushing their teeth together side by side. Seemed to no even phase me I said "oh good for her". I was coming home from work later that day and BOOM. It just popped in there I mean for real? you just met the guy!?!? we went together a year before becoming intimate. I haven't been able to get it out of my mind dude. My hope is still there its not even weaker than what it was. Still love her, still miss her, still hoping she will come back. UGH!!! I shouldn't of done it, freaking knew it....... oh well my account is closed now anyways .

 

EW the Mack ain't no scientist, but there is one formula that's a fact if you get a guy/girl unblocking you and then blasting up pictures of their new beau less than 6 months together, then it means you absolutely, undoubtely, unquestionably do not want to be in a long term relationship with this person.....For a MYRIAD of different reasons. You are hurting now. Been there bro. I promise you in 6 months not only will you not want her back, you will realise you had a lucky escape.

 

I lived in Portugal for a year. it was %$$ing awesome. I have tons of pictures of me looking tanned and relaxed with beautiful girls on nights out looking cosy. Do I feel the need/urge to post them on Facebook for an ex to see? Hell no. The only person I got to prove things to is myself and to a lesser extent my friends and family. That is what being secure in yourself is all about.

 

Trying to prove something to your ex (or whatver that is she is doing) there is one word for it....'pathetic'...You dodged a bullet mate. She is his problem now..Do better for yourself..

Edited June 11, 2013 by Mack05

[Leigh 87]

The thing is, if you give No Contact 6 months to a year, or even longer, without finding anything out; you will being indifferent and STOP caring.

 

Only if they were jerks to you.

 

xMM could stay away for years, and if I tripped over him in the street, my heart would flutter and my mouth would go dry, and I'd have to run and hide.

 

That's because he treated me like a goddamn princess. And he was (is) a nice, kind, gentle person, who just happened to f--k up his life for a brief moment.

 

Only if they were a jerk to you, do you become truly indifferent. The others are like heroin - no hit again, ever, because once an addict, always an addict.

 

 

 

In spite of what you think of my case. He treated me like a princess on a daily basis. Never mind the disgusting habits.

 

Man. It sucks that I'll never be indifferent. Really?

 

I guess we really cant ever be mates:(

 

I think I always knew that.

 

Well, OP. I'm glad you decided to not check their facebook.

 

It's really that simple. Indifference is never going to hit us. May as well avoid them at all costs!

[Leigh 87]

Metal_chick,

 

What about when the OP and I fall in love again one day, say, in a year or a year and a half from now, with No Contact with our exes and no knowledge of their affairs?

 

Also - my ex says he will never be "okay" about me finding someone else. Sorry to derail this.

 

It is funny, indifference. He was only into one other girl besides me, despite being good looking/popular.

 

He says he STILL hurts a bit seeing her with her new b/f. He says once he loves someone, he does not "feel nothing" towards his exes and their romantic lives.

 

What about the OP? Would his ex be indifferent just because she was the dumper?

 

Is it always best for both parties to NEVER check up on each other, within a set amount of time?

 

I am sure in YEARS I will be indifferent, if I am madly in love with the next guy and we are married?

 

At the very least, it is not like you will EVER gain anything from checking up on them!

 

 

Do you really have to go to the concert, Metal Chick? I wouldn't face up to my ex and I won't be frequenting the huge shopping mall near his house when I am back in my town:sick:

 

I guess the OP can avoid facebook. It is not so easy to avoid seeing them, if you live in the same town.

 

Ugh. Man. I NEVER want to see my ex with his new fcking girlfriend.

 

Ever.

[bluegreen]

Sure i do want to see him and her on a day some adoring hand kissing hot man puts a big fat emerald ring on my finger then begs me to choose a bracelet to ...

[Leigh 87]

Sure i do want to see him and her on a day some adoring hand kissing hot man puts a big fat emerald ring on my finger then begs me to choose a bracelet to ...

 

 

 

I agree. Once I am totally in love and focused on a better man, I do not think I will have much reaction towards seeing my ex with his wife.

 

The OP and most people are probably in the same boat... We will all get better with No Contact, but we will not be able to be "okay" with our exes getting moving onto other people, until we too, have.

 

Seriously. The OP, myself, all of us: surely, once we are really focused on a new lover, why would we CARE what our exes are doing?

 

I can honestly envision being happily married and then not caring if I saw my ex in a happy relationship.

 

I mean, once I am in love with someone, they are all I care about?

 

Anyways. It is so good the OP make this thread. I mean, people in real life who do not use loveshack do not have an idea....

 

I know so many people who have no idea what no contact is, and they wonder why they are so hurt a year later when they find out, vis social media, that their ex is married.

[Leigh 87]

I think we're threadjacking, so I'll keep this brief.

 

You answered your own question "Can I ever be indifferent?" by admitting that you still fantasise about the two of you getting back together.

 

I don't see why I have to avoid the things I love just because xMM loves them too. I don't live my life looking over my shoulder regarding any of my exes and I'm not about to start. It's fairly unlikely, but it's possible. I won't be indifferent, but that's the image I'll project...

 

 

 

It has not been long enough, though. Since you last were together. I guess if you were living together after years it would be different? You really wouldn't avoid the event after a dude broke up with you after years? It would be a bit much, after mere months, to see them with someone new, given the amount of time you were together (if it were years).

 

 

 

How long was the OP in his relationship?

 

 

I mean, if we avoid facebook, that is one obstacle averted. What about if any of us see them in passing?

 

It would hurt like a bitchh still, I am sure. For the Op and the rest of us.

 

I need to start a new thread in a few months. Asking " what will it be like to see our exes again:sick:"

 

I have heard that, at first, it feels neutral. Then, it hits you later. Or when you're driving home. Or something.

 

Avoiding facebook is one thing. We can't avoid ever seeing them again, short of moving towns and never returning to our home time to visit family or friends.

 

honestly, I want to study overseas for exchange. I am that desperate to just avoid them until I am over it and I won't care as much (if I saw them).

 

Isn't facebook akin to bumping into them? It elicits the same reaction?

 

I am not meaning to thread jack, I just see avoiding facebook and social media, as a very minimal way to reduce the risk of a meltdown..

 

I wish life was like facebook. Where you could block them and never have to see them again:sick:

[thefooloftheyear]

I agree. Once I am totally in love and focused on a better man, I do not think I will have much reaction towards seeing my ex with his wife.

 

The OP and most people are probably in the same boat... We will all get better with No Contact, but we will not be able to be "okay" with our exes getting moving onto other people, until we too, have.

 

Seriously. The OP, myself, all of us: surely, once we are really focused on a new lover, why would we CARE what our exes are doing?

 

I can honestly envision being happily married and then not caring if I saw my ex in a happy relationship.

 

I mean, once I am in love with someone, they are all I care about?

 

Anyways. It is so good the OP make this thread. I mean, people in real life who do not use loveshack do not have an idea....

 

I know so many people who have no idea what no contact is, and they wonder why they are so hurt a year later when they find out, vis social media, that their ex is married.

 

I dont want to sound cold, but lets face it, hes just a mere mortal like anyone else...While I cant say for sure, Id be willing to bet anything he puts his pants on one leg at at a time.

 

All kidding aside..

 

Let me ask you this question.. You are an attractive young lady..Have you ever even remotely considered the fact that there is a guy)s) out there who make your ex look like dog shyt and will never leave you?..Its a big world out there, girl..Might even be easler than you think.

 

Seeing them with someone else and not getting devastated over it is what you need to strive for. You may never have to live that experience, but you know you have healed when you can do this...and..you are confident enough in yourself..

 

TFY

[Leigh 87]

The OP, for example, is doing everything by the books. No Contact, he sounds like he has a life and is not staying inside making his life and thoughts revolve around his ex.

 

Yet even still. It sucks so bad how even people like the OP, who do everything right with No Contact, would still feel SOMETHING bad. If they saw their ex with a new person.

 

Ugh. You really can't win by the sounds of things. The OP is lucky he decided against the facebook stalk.......

 

FOTY - Thanks for your nice post. I am sure the OP has things going for them too. It will still always suck to see then with new people.

 

Metal_chick swears indifference is never reached. I disagree: I think once you're married or seriously in love to a better partner, you would not give a crap about your ex being with a new partner.

 

But yes. Until THAT stage. I think we are all best avoiding facebook.

 

I hate facebook anyways. I only use it to get in touch with people I really care about.

 

I don't relate to people who just put lovey pictures up of them and their partners every single day.

[Mack05]

Metal_chick swears indifference is never reached. I disagree: I think once you're married or seriously in love to a better partner, you would not give a crap about your ex being with a new partner.

 

I think Leigh working towards 'indifference' is a process. For everyone that process is probably different. For me I had a lot of anger towards my ex's. After awhile I realised this anger was somewhat misplaced in that some of that anger needed to be redirected back to me. I know some people just use anger as a fuel until they get to where they need to go, but what are they really learning about themselves? I made this mistake too in the past.

 

When a relationship fails it is nearly always down to two people. There is never 100% blame on one side. Some people like to take the righteous anger approach. "My ex is trash, end of". The anger and sadness are gone but what have you learnt about yourself?

 

I have some emails from my last two ex's where they have ripped me to pieces. Now some of the stuff they said is absolutely ridiculous, but other stuff was very uncomfortable reading as I know they were right. I think breakups can be looked as an opportunity. An opportunity to learn, grow and make change. Sure it's far easier to facebook stalk or to say my ex is this and that, but nothing really gets learnt by the dumpee.

 

I realised I was finally going places when I realised that I couldn't care less anymore what my ex's thought of me. I didn't need their approval or validation. Two things helped me get there. 1) Forgiving myself for past mistakes and forgiving them for all the nasty things they said and did to me. 2) Having a purpose to my day. I try get up most mornings and work out. It sucks as I hate it! but its a positive start to the day. In work (in the main haha) I work really hard. I don't put things off anymore and go the extra yard that I don't have too. Have a plan for your weekend and stick to it. Just do the things you like :-).

 

Eventually your confidence builds, your self esteem builds. It took me longer then most but that was simply because I had a long way to come back from. Too many times my negative self image held me back. A book called the power of now really helped me with that. Where before I felt burdended by the past or by expectations I had of myself (or expectations of other people) instead I learnt fo focus and the 'Now'.

 

Let me give you an example of that. I moved to a rural town (Europe) in a temporary move before embarking on a new life in Canada. it was just an opportunity to make some quick money while my visa was being processed. The old me would have been planning my next move, everything focusing on the future. This time I decided to enjoy my time here and do no planning. Now I ain't leaving! I love it here! Sent back my visa and said thanks, but no thanks.

 

I think when we are suffering we tend to look up the mountain and think its too big I am going to stay in bed and wallow today. If you can just start with little steps you will be very surprised how far you can come..I think both last ex's have new boyfriends, good luck to them. Is it indifference I am feeling? Who knows. I just know I am happy and that is the battle that needs to be won..When you are happy within, the world looks a very different place and you tend to attract the right kind of people for you..

Edited June 11, 2013 by Mack05

[mtnbiker3000]

Damn it. Everyone keeps talking about this happiness within... Well, I am not happy within and I am not sure if I am capable of it... I realized I have some issues from the way I was raised that have not only stuck with me for the last 20 or 30 years, but have totally f*cked much of my life, including career and romance. Grrrrrrr!!! I am just really pissed off right now as I don't even know what to do or where to turn. I'm sick of these repeating patterns that only lead to unhappiness, dissatisfaction and feeling unfulfilled!! No wonder my ex bailed! Why would she stay with someone so F'd up??

 

As you can see, I am really upset today

[William]

Moderation will leave the off-topic excursion for now but reminds members to remain focused on the thread starter and their topic. Peronal experience is fine but keep it related to the thread starter's issue. Free threads are available to discuss one's own issues in detail. Thanks.

[Mack05]

Mbt you are allowing your past to dictate your future. Like a big huge anchor tied to your feet. Your negative self image is a big issue here to. Try buy the book the power of now

[mtnbiker3000]

Mbt you are allowing your past to dictate your future. Like a big huge anchor tied to your feet. Your negative self image is a big issue here to. Try buy the book the power of now

 

Yes, I am learning more and more about myself and these issues as you describe. I have chosen to really dig deep, and with the help of therapy, uncover some real issues that have been holding me back in my life. And guess what? I found 'em!! Guess you've got to be careful what you look for, as you might be surprised what you find!

 

I am familiar with The Power of Now, and plan to revisit it... There are other books too. I am just desperate to break the patterns that have lead to so much pain and suffering in my life. And start living it to the fullest instead

 

BTW - Mr. Moderator, if you will notice, I am the original thread starter here, and this line of discussion has a direct relationship with the original post

[SimonSerenade]

My exs profile is private so I can't see much even if I wanted to, her timeline grassed her up and revealed things she hid from me throughout our relationship like the fact she was engaged once before, I think your better off not knowing because then you'll want answers and they ain't going to give them to you and you just have to sit and wonder and never know, I hate Facebook or any kind of social networking crap, when it's used in the right way it's alright, when I had an account I had maybe 10 friends, most being family and 1 or 2 being friends I actually talk to.

 

My ex just used it to look popular, had hundreds of friends she never knew or talked to, it's childish and pathetic, pretty sure she even used it to flirt with guys, no good can come from Facebook, no good can come from checking it, you don't want to know, you never want to know, it's only going to cause you pain, my ex still thinks she's a teenager and still acts like one, the last thing I want to see is all her teenage monkey shines, no thanks, been there done that, painful lesson learned.

[mtnbiker3000]

My exs profile is private so I can't see much even if I wanted to, her timeline grassed her up and revealed things she hid from me throughout our relationship like the fact she was engaged once before, I think your better off not knowing because then you'll want answers and they ain't going to give them to you and you just have to sit and wonder and never know, I hate Facebook or any kind of social networking crap, when it's used in the right way it's alright, when I had an account I had maybe 10 friends, most being family and 1 or 2 being friends I actually talk to.

 

My ex just used it to look popular, had hundreds of friends she never knew or talked to, it's childish and pathetic, pretty sure she even used it to flirt with guys, no good can come from Facebook, no good can come from checking it, you don't want to know, you never want to know, it's only going to cause you pain, my ex still thinks she's a teenager and still acts like one, the last thing I want to see is all her teenage monkey shines, no thanks, been there done that, painful lesson learned.

 

Agreed. My ex, same thing. 100's of friends and most of them people she barely even knew or didn't know at all. Seems perfect for those, with say... NPD??? Honestly think my ex was at least to a small degree NPD. Her brother and Dad? Big time NPD... Only makes sense that she was a bit too. Displayed some other classic characteristics as well

[SimonSerenade]

Agreed. My ex, same thing. 100's of friends and most of them people she barely even knew or didn't know at all. Seems perfect for those, with say... NPD??? Honestly think my ex was at least to a small degree NPD. Her brother and Dad? Big time NPD... Only makes sense that she was a bit too. Displayed some other classic characteristics as well

 

That's really interesting, I always painted her as a megalomaniac, she had to justify every single thing she said or did and always made issues out of absolutely nothing, she wasn't happy or comfortable with anything good in her life, I think her dad Isn't much different, she hates him yet she somehow doesn't see that's one and the same, her dad is pretty nasty for no reason what so ever and she's the same lol she's so stupid that she can see it!.