Check FB to kill hope??

[mtnbiker3000]

Many of you know my feelings on FB and checking up on the ex. I think it is a terrible idea and self-inflicted torture. But, is there any benefit to looking at the ex's FB once just to kill hope? I noticed many people talking about being able to move on only when there is no hope. I really do NOT want to do this and pray continued NC will work instead. I'm currently at 88 days and still hurting. Still up and down. Not able to move on yet. Do I need to see that pic? That status update? Is this really necessary with where I am at in my recovery? I really do not want to do this. I really don't...

 

Just feel like it would set me back, stir up emotions and generally make me feel like total schyte. Does this mean I still have hope? I am pretty sure she is with someone else, or will be soon enough. I don't think I am holding on to hope. Not only do I don't think she would ever come back, I really don't want her to. But who knows what's really going on deep in the old noggin?

[na49]

It could kill hope. It could also give you more hope. It could make things real for you and push you in the right direction or send you into a depressive slump. If you've been thinking about it for a while, I say do it, get it out of your system and vow not to check again. because the rush will come back and you will want to look again.

[KatZee]

It won't kill hope, it will ruin you. Only and I mean ONLY stalk FB profiles if you're 110% completely and utterly over your ex.

 

I'm actually a fan of checking FB FAR down the line just to check in with yourself to see if you're truly over an ex.

 

For example, with me... I knew I was moving past my ex. I knew I felt nothing for him. I don't like who he is as a person, but there's no real emotion on my end behind all that. This past weekend I pretty much FB stalked everyone. His profile, his new gf, his brother, some mutual friends/family members.

 

You know what I felt? Absolutely nada. It was actually really refreshing. I actually said to myself, "I'm so far disconnected from my ex that I don't even feel like we were ever a couple." And we dated for three years! Weeeeeird.

[thefooloftheyear]

It won't kill hope, it will ruin you. Only and I mean ONLY stalk FB profiles if you're 110% completely and utterly over your ex.

 

I'm actually a fan of checking FB FAR down the line just to check in with yourself to see if you're truly over an ex.

 

For example, with me... I knew I was moving past my ex. I knew I felt nothing for him. I don't like who he is as a person, but there's no real emotion on my end behind all that. This past weekend I pretty much FB stalked everyone. His profile, his new gf, his brother, some mutual friends/family members.

 

You know what I felt? Absolutely nada. It was actually really refreshing. I actually said to myself, "I'm so far disconnected from my ex that I don't even feel like we were ever a couple." And we dated for three years! Weeeeeird.

 

 

You are not correct...NOT in my case anyway.

 

I was getting over it, but still twisting in the wind..Wondering..Even hoping to some degree,,,It was killing me..

 

So I did it...

 

I reopened my account...She is with someone else, saw all the pics, read the status updates, she seems to be very happy. It does help that the guy is absolutely NOTHING like me in any way. It also helps that it looks like she put on like 40 lbs...Heck she almost looks like a completely different person.

 

It hurt for about an hour and then it was if a massive weight was removed from my shoulders. I no longer cared..She's just someone I used to know at this point and nothing more..I care about as much for her as the mailman that just delivered the mail here..

 

Im so over it I actually even considered sending her an email congratulating her on finding her "true love"..All it did was reinforce all of the BAD crap that was in the relationship and now I am absolutely relieved that she set me free.

 

Ironically, while I am not in a position to enter into a relationship at this exact moment, just a few days after these events I mat an absolutely awesome woman that makes the "old one" look like yesterdays leftovers..In every single way...Its amazing..

 

They say that "you dont know what you got till its gone"...well. for me its more like "you dont know what youre missing til its gone"

 

Your results may vary,,I say do it...

 

TFY

[Chi townD]

Will it kill hope? Yep! But, it will also kill some of the progress you were making and set you back a few pegs, and bring her to the forefront of your mind. And might bring back dreams about her. It might kill some of the healing that you've accomplished.

 

Is it really worth it?

[Simon Phoenix]

Only if you don't really care about the result. If you do, I think it's a foolish thing to consider.

[thefooloftheyear]

Will it kill hope? Yep! But, it will also kill some of the progress you were making and set you back a few pegs, and bring her to the forefront of your mind. And might bring back dreams about her. It might kill some of the healing that you've accomplished.

 

Is it really worth it?

 

You do realize that HOPE is the one thing that keeps people in their funk and prevents them from moving on?

 

So why then, as you say, would killing the one thing thats holding you back prevent you from healing?

 

Not trying to be a wiseass, jut curious..

 

TFY

[mtnbiker3000]

Is it really worth it?

 

Exactly what I am trying to find out. I think where I am now, it will NOT help. Maybe in a while, when I am a little stronger. Still, too weak right now.

 

TFY - How long were you out and NC??

[Simon Phoenix]

You do realize that HOPE is the one thing that keeps people in their funk and prevents them from moving on?

 

So why then, as you say, would killing the one thing thats holding you back prevent you from healing?

 

Not trying to be a wiseass, jut curious..

 

TFY

 

Because for most people their hope doesn't depend on whether or not their ex is seeing anyone or not. It's completely irrelevant. Even if they are seeing someone the thoughts over time become "oh, it's just a rebound" and "i can prove I'm better than this guy/girl", etc. Sites like this are littered with dumpees making such rationalizations. Why? Because they aren't ready to give up the "hope" no matter what they find.

 

However, what discovering can do -- before the rationalization process starts to take place -- is putting the dumpee in a state of depresssion, as if they've been dumped again. Almost back to square one.

 

It's great that you were able to shuck it off when you saw your ex on Facebook with someone else. But you are the exception, not the rule. Most are not ready to completely abandon ship at such a revelation. Hell, you have posters on here pining for dumpers who cheated on them.

[CorridorE]

Kill the hope from within yourself and not from outside sources like facebook. I believe that the chances are, you'll see something that will set you much farther back than where you are currently, and it won't be worth it.

[KPChick000]

I strongly suggest not checking fb. I foresee only two scenarios happening:

 

1. You see nothing of importance. Your hope doesn't die because you think, oh she isn't seeing anybody. You've now overcome the initial fear of checking fb and will get the urge to continue keeping tabs on her (because why not feed that hope?), which prevents you from moving on. Until scenario 2.

 

2. You see that she is seeing someone else. Yes, it will kill hope, but seeing names, statuses, pictures will surely set you back and haunt you as you're still in the midst of grieving. You will gain MORE questions: why him? Why has she moved on already? How could she write that? Etc etc. Facing the truth may propel you to move forward, but looking at fb is just self-torture. (I am speaking from experience.)

 

Maintain NC and let hope die naturally.

[Chi townD]

You do realize that HOPE is the one thing that keeps people in their funk and prevents them from moving on?

 

So why then, as you say, would killing the one thing thats holding you back prevent you from healing?

 

Not trying to be a wiseass, jut curious..

 

TFY

 

Hope should have been killed the moment the break up happens. People, tend to hold on to hope thinking that our Ex's are going to realize that they made a mistake and will come running back. Sometimes, that happens; however, it's VERY rare.

 

That's why I hate it when our Ex's say crap like this when they break up with us.

 

"Who knows what will happen in the future." False hope.

 

" If it is meant to be then it will be." false hope.

 

" I can see myself marrying you. But, I'm not ready for that serious of a relationship right now." false hope.

 

" I just want to be your friend right now, then maybe we can start dating again after a while." False hope.

 

When a break up happens. We HAVE to make ourself believe that this is it! The End! We have to start living our lives as if this person is NOT coming back. Because chances are, they're not.

 

But, do you know what I've seen here on more than one occasion? That the dumpee applies NC and starts to make positive chances in their life. They change the way they look and the way that they feel. They improved EVERY FACET of their lives. They become more outgoing and have awesome adventures and start to travel. They've built up their self esteem and realize that they have self worth.

 

Some of these folks have had their Ex's try and come back into their lives. And the funny thing is, these dumpee's are in such a good place, that they're not interested into letting their Ex's back. It's happened more than once in here!

 

So, Looking at their Ex's Facebook page, it will kill hope, but at a price. It's probably going to hurt to see what's in there. So, why touch a hot stove when YOU KNOW it's going to burn? Why do that to yourself?

[thefooloftheyear]

Exactly what I am trying to find out. I think where I am now, it will NOT help. Maybe in a while, when I am a little stronger. Still, too weak right now.

 

TFY - How long were you out and NC??

 

It was around 5 months total...For the first two months, She was the queen of breadcrumbs..Called me incessantly in the beginning. I never contacted her a single time and she actually had the balls to get pissed off at ME for not contacting her..

 

 

Finally told her to leave me the eff alone..Then it was 3 months of silence..By the 5th month I was kinda losing my mind wondering, hoping, twisting and turning..I was aching to break NC...I was actually about to call her..

 

Then I checked the FB page, "and the truth set me free"...

 

Bottom line? Take everything into consideration...The way people talk about NC around here, its like you will get the door of your house kicked in if you break it..NC works for some, others it doesnt..

 

One thing I have learned from reading a lot of the stories on here is that HOPE is the #1 nemesis...Hope Kills..Kill hope before it kills you..

 

TFY

[mtnbiker3000]

I don't think I still have any hope. Truth is, I really don't know what I feel . I have so many emotions. And I am constantly up and down. Last weekend was down. But, I don't think I am hoping for anything more from her. Ever. I just don't fully understand everything I am feeling??

 

But, I think I am going to remain NC. I do NOT think checking up on her will help me in any way.

[thefooloftheyear]

Hope should have been killed the moment the break up happens. People, tend to hold on to hope thinking that our Ex's are going to realize that they made a mistake and will come running back. Sometimes, that happens; however, it's VERY rare.

 

That's why I hate it when our Ex's say crap like this when they break up with us.

 

"Who knows what will happen in the future." False hope.

 

" If it is meant to be then it will be." false hope.

 

" I can see myself marrying you. But, I'm not ready for that serious of a relationship right now." false hope.

 

" I just want to be your friend right now, then maybe we can start dating again after a while." False hope.

 

When a break up happens. We HAVE to make ourself believe that this is it! The End! We have to start living our lives as if this person is NOT coming back. Because chances are, they're not.

 

But, do you know what I've seen here on more than one occasion? That the dumpee applies NC and starts to make positive chances in their life. They change the way they look and the way that they feel. They improved EVERY FACET of their lives. They become more outgoing and have awesome adventures and start to travel. They've built up their self esteem and realize that they have self worth.

 

Some of these folks have had their Ex's try and come back into their lives. And the funny thing is, these dumpee's are in such a good place, that they're not interested into letting their Ex's back. It's happened more than once in here!

 

So, Looking at their Ex's Facebook page, it will kill hope, but at a price. It's probably going to hurt to see what's in there. So, why touch a hot stove when YOU KNOW it's going to burn? Why do that to yourself?[/QUOTE]

 

 

Sorry, but I say nonsense...

 

What "price" did I pay for looking at the FB? Total indifference!! Hows that for a prize?

 

Bottom line is that there are people on here espousing NC that are still crying in their beer for months(years?) after! How is that working out for them??

 

I say let it out...I am 100% living proof that all of you arent 100% correct in your assessment of the topic...

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

Because for most people their hope doesn't depend on whether or not their ex is seeing anyone or not. It's completely irrelevant. Even if they are seeing someone the thoughts over time become "oh, it's just a rebound" and "i can prove I'm better than this guy/girl", etc. Sites like this are littered with dumpees making such rationalizations. Why? Because they aren't ready to give up the "hope" no matter what they find.

 

However, what discovering can do -- before the rationalization process starts to take place -- is putting the dumpee in a state of depresssion, as if they've been dumped again. Almost back to square one.

 

It's great that you were able to shuck it off when you saw your ex on Facebook with someone else. But you are the exception, not the rule. Most are not ready to completely abandon ship at such a revelation. Hell, you have posters on here pining for dumpers who cheated on them.[/QUOTE]

 

And you also have posters on here that are STILL pining after an ex year(s) after applying NC?

 

What do you say of that?

 

TFY

[LostGirl11]

Are you alreday on Facebook? Did you block her? Or did you deactivate your Facebook? Is her profile set to private?

[mtnbiker3000]

TFY - Yes, it worked out well for you. But it sounds like you may be the minority. And, I just don't think I am in the right place for this now. I really fear it would be huge set back. Only 3 months NC. I still think I need more time...

 

In the mean time been in therapy and discovering I have some self-worth issues from childhood, especially when in RS's. And especially with women I find very physically attractive, like my ex. BTW - Much thanks to whoever recommended the book "Toxic Parents", as this has been very enlightening. I am trying to address these issues in hopes of straightening out my life a little. Think I will continue with status quo for a while longer

[Simon Phoenix]

Because for most people their hope doesn't depend on whether or not their ex is seeing anyone or not. It's completely irrelevant. Even if they are seeing someone the thoughts over time become "oh, it's just a rebound" and "i can prove I'm better than this guy/girl", etc. Sites like this are littered with dumpees making such rationalizations. Why? Because they aren't ready to give up the "hope" no matter what they find.

 

However, what discovering can do -- before the rationalization process starts to take place -- is putting the dumpee in a state of depresssion, as if they've been dumped again. Almost back to square one.

 

It's great that you were able to shuck it off when you saw your ex on Facebook with someone else. But you are the exception, not the rule. Most are not ready to completely abandon ship at such a revelation. Hell, you have posters on here pining for dumpers who cheated on them.[/QUOTE]

 

And you also have posters on here that are STILL pining after an ex year(s) after applying NC?

 

What do you say of that?

 

TFY

 

I'd say the majority of those posters would be still pining even after executing your approach.

[mtnbiker3000]

Are you alreday on Facebook? Did you block her? Or did you deactivate your Facebook? Is her profile set to private?

 

Gladly, no. I have never had a FB account. Makes it easy not to FB stalk

[Chi townD]

It was around 5 months total...For the first two months, She was the queen of breadcrumbs..Called me incessantly in the beginning. I never contacted her a single time and she actually had the balls to get pissed off at ME for not contacting her..

 

 

Finally told her to leave me the eff alone..Then it was 3 months of silence..By the 5th month I was kinda losing my mind wondering, hoping, twisting and turning..I was aching to break NC...I was actually about to call her..

 

Then I checked the FB page, "and the truth set me free"...

 

Bottom line? Take everything into consideration...The way people talk about NC around here, its like you will get the door of your house kicked in if you break it..NC works for some, others it doesnt..

 

One thing I have learned from reading a lot of the stories on here is that HOPE is the #1 nemesis...Hope Kills..Kill hope before it kills you..

 

TFY

 

LOL!!! You sound like NC is the written law and that the LS cops will be hunting him or her down for any voilation!

 

Look, I'm under no delusion that this is an advice forum and nothing more. People are still free to make choices that they think are best for them.

 

However, I'm going to give ADVICE on what I've seen work for the majority of folks on here. People, Like Mountain, asked what they could expect to feel if they do this, that or the other. And I'm going to tell them what they COULD expect to feel if they venture down a certain path. And he's free to take that advice for what's it's worth, or completely ignore it. And I wouldn't be offended. It is what it is.

 

A good example on how advice from LS CAN help is with another poster, my good friend from across the pond, HeadaShed. When he first came here, we gave him advice and he was the MOST BULLHEADED SOB ON EARTH!!! He wouldn't listen to anyone really. But, he couldn't understand why he was still getting burned! FINALLY! He gave what people have been telling him a shot. And his life (from what I understand) has improved 10 fold! He made self improvements in the way he looks (he even posted before and after pics), he went NC and even though it was extremely hard for him, he's in a much better place. He went from posting very bitter posts to being very friendly and happy for the most part. He went from a dead end job to owning his own business which is doing EXTREMELY well. I venture to say it keeps him busy and that's why he doesn't post as much as he used to. To which I say, GOOD FOR HIM!!! And he's finally at a point where he's indifferent towards his Ex I believe.

 

So, this stuff that we're spewing, can and does work. And above all else. We are a support network for people that need it.

[thefooloftheyear]

LOL!!! You sound like NC is the written law and that the LS cops will be hunting him or her down for any voilation!

 

Look, I'm under no delusion that this is an advice forum and nothing more. People are still free to make choices that they think are best for them.

 

However, I'm going to give ADVICE on what I've seen work for the majority of folks on here. People, Like Mountain, asked what they could expect to feel if they do this, that or the other. And I'm going to tell them what they COULD expect to feel if they venture down a certain path. And he's free to take that advice for what's it's worth, or completely ignore it. And I wouldn't be offended. It is what it is.

 

A good example on how advice from LS CAN help is with another poster, my good friend from across the pond, HeadaShed. When he first came here, we gave him advice and he was the MOST BULLHEADED SOB ON EARTH!!! He wouldn't listen to anyone really. But, he couldn't understand why he was still getting burned! FINALLY! He gave what people have been telling him a shot. And his life (from what I understand) has improved 10 fold! He made self improvements in the way he looks (he even posted before and after pics), he went NC and even though it was extremely hard for him, he's in a much better place. He went from posting very bitter posts to being very friendly and happy for the most part. He went from a dead end job to owning his own business which is doing EXTREMELY well. I venture to say it keeps him busy and that's why he doesn't post as much as he used to. To which I say, GOOD FOR HIM!!! And he's finally at a point where he's indifferent towards his Ex I believe.

 

So, this stuff that we're spewing, can and does work. And above all else. We are a support network for people that need it.

 

 

Im purposefully mocking NC...you need to work on your comprehension skills, Skippy.

 

 

Look..Im a good guy..I want everyone to feel better. Why the hell would I not want to share my experience that took me out of my depressed situation and finally got my head out of my ass over this?

 

I am not some kind of Superman. If it worked for me, you can bet it can work for someone else too, no?

 

Overnight I went from..

 

-Not sleeping but for 2 hour intervals.

-obsessing over this dumbass woman.

-Intensive therapy.

 

to

 

100% indifference...No more therapy...No more sleepless nights..

 

I's almost call it miraculous..

 

At the end of the day, anyone should make their own conclusions on what to do with their own lives. You give advice-great...I give advice to the contrary-great..use what works for you..

 

Im just glad I no longer have that shyt ruling my life...

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

 

I'd say the majority of those posters would be still pining even after executing your approach.

 

 

We'll never really know that though, huh??

 

TFY

[mtnbiker3000]

All advice is greatly appreciated!! And, of course, we all have to do what we feel is right, despite what any one else recommends/advises...

 

For me, at this point, I am staying NC. I think in a few more weeks/months I may feel different.

 

Again, thanks to all who took the time to read and reply

[aloneinaz]

Good choice to not peak. I blocked my ex a couple of days after we split (and after I got my stuff back . I removed her from any links, changed several sites password that she knew and that was it. I then was curious to see if she rejoined a dating site. MISTAKE.. There she was like the other times we broke up. It didn't bother me that day but did the next when i checked to see if she viewed my profile. I removed my profile from there so I don't have to see her and joined a different dating site.

 

OP- curious, have you dated at all since the break up? If not, why?