My last breath, hopefully soon.

[LittleTiger]

I posted to get my thoughts on paper (or thread per say). I thought maybe someone else would say they feel the same way or have felt the same way and they did x,y,z to fix it. I wasn't looking for attitude or demeaning comments. I wasn't looking to be knocked down further in the hole I'm in.

 

I wanted support, someone to show that people can be caring and that I deserve to be alive and happy. I wanted comfort.

 

I am an introvert, I am naturally attracted to being alone. So the close friends that I do have, I don't openly discuss this with them. I can hide my feelings very well. I can put a fake smile on and people will believe it. It's easy.

 

I have talked to my parents about it before, but they didn't take me seriously. It's like a joke to everyone. "I don't have a valid reason to be this way." I talked to my boyfriend about it and to be honest, he has been the only one to fully support me and be there.

 

You do deserve to be alive and happy - and you deserve compassion and understanding whilst you are ill. I have been there and, whilst I can't 'know' your pain, I can empathise with you.

 

Unfortunately most people don't understand depression. Your parents probably don't realise how bad you feel. I'm 48 and I've suffered from depression on and off since I was 15 years old. My parents finally 'got it' about two years ago, although they still have no idea how to handle it when I get really down.

 

I am also an 'expert' at hiding my feelings. I'm very intelligent, with a bright and cheerful personality, so only my fiancé and my immediate family have any real clue how low I can get at times - oh, and my psychologist!

 

I can share with you that I took anti-depressants for around 15 years on and off and during that time I had a lot of therapy. I saw counsellors, psychotherapists, psychologists and even a psychiatrist at one point - he said I was perfectly sane. If you can, get yourself a therapist of some sort. Find someone that you are able to trust; someone you feel comfortable with - that is essential. Success in therapy is as much about the relationship between the therapist and client as it is the skills of the therapist.

 

Try some different anti-depressants until you feel you've had enough therapy to cope without them. You should be able to find something that you don't have a bad reaction to.

 

I've read the other posts on this thread and I'm appalled - but this is LS, people are mostly here for themselves (for entertainment) not to help others, though there are exceptions of course.

 

It doesn't matter to me what has caused your depression - this time or any other. Your feelings are valid, no matter what other's might think. If you have a tendency to become depressed when life's events take a wrong turn, that's ok. It's just how you are and you can learn to deal with it - so don't give up. Never, EVER, give up.

 

I would also like to say that your first post on this thread is beautifully written. Perhaps you can write your feelings in a notebook and you can look back in a few months, or years, and see how far you have come. It always helps me to remember the worst times so that I can appreciate where I am now. Write poetry if it helps - maybe one day you can publish your writing and make this stage of your life 'worthwhile'.

 

((((Hugs))))

 

Your last breath won't be for a while yet, so stay strong and keep fighting. You know what they say "while there is life, there is hope!"

[youngnlove89]

LittleTiger, thank you so much for your response.

 

It is so nice to hear from someone who understands how I feel without generalizing me as crazy or insane. I appreciate your kind words.

 

I am also an 'expert' at hiding my feelings. I'm very intelligent, with a bright and cheerful personality, so only my fiancé and my immediate family have any real clue how low I can get at times - oh, and my psychologist!

This is me too. I can hide my feelings almost as well as I can't control them while alone. If that makes sense. If you were to meet me in person, it would come to you as a surprise that I feel this way. My parents were surprised and I think that is why they didn't believe me and thought I was having a dramatic moment. It wasn't until I attempted suicide that they realized this wasn't a joke. It was serious.

 

I did like the anti depressant I was taking, Viibryd. It's just the 20mg was too much for me. Plus it made me breakout really bad. I've tried Zoloft when I was 16, but I had an eating disorder back then and was afraid of everything making me gain so I never gave that one a chance. Depression does run in my family. My aunt has depression and she said it took her a couple years to find what worked best for her. My grandma took Xanax and anti depressants up until the day she passed.

 

Finding the right medication and the right therapist is definitely a struggle at first, but I have hope that one day I'll be on the path to healing.

 

I would also like to say that your first post on this thread is beautifully written. Perhaps you can write your feelings in a notebook and you can look back in a few months, or years, and see how far you have come. It always helps me to remember the worst times so that I can appreciate where I am now. Write poetry if it helps - maybe one day you can publish your writing and make this stage of your life 'worthwhile'.

 

((((Hugs))))

 

Your last breath won't be for a while yet, so stay strong and keep fighting. You know what they say "while there is life, there is hope!"

 

Thank you for giving me my first sincere smile today.

[LittleTiger]

LittleTiger, thank you so much for your response.

 

It is so nice to hear from someone who understands how I feel without generalizing me as crazy or insane. I appreciate your kind words.

 

You're very welcome. I do understand and you are not crazy. You have an illness that people can't see - that's all. 'Mental illness' is scary to a lot of people, so they go on the attack - it's normal human behaviour - just ignore them.

 

This is me too. I can hide my feelings almost as well as I can't control them while alone. If that makes sense. If you were to meet me in person, it would come to you as a surprise that I feel this way. My parents were surprised and I think that is why they didn't believe me and thought I was having a dramatic moment. It wasn't until I attempted suicide that they realized this wasn't a joke. It was serious.

 

It wouldn't surprise me at all! I once watched a show where a panel of psychologists and psychiatrists had to match the mental illness to the patients by watching them perform tasks on a retreat. Interesting idea for a tv show! I spotted the woman who was depressed immediately and the expert panel didn't have a clue, even after several weeks of observation. It takes one to know one I guess.

 

I did like the anti depressant I was taking, Viibryd. It's just the 20mg was too much for me. Plus it made me breakout really bad. I've tried Zoloft when I was 16, but I had an eating disorder back then and was afraid of everything making me gain so I never gave that one a chance. Depression does run in my family. My aunt has depression and she said it took her a couple years to find what worked best for her. My grandma took Xanax and anti depressants up until the day she passed.

 

Finding the right medication and the right therapist is definitely a struggle at first, but I have hope that one day I'll be on the path to healing.

 

It can be a bit of a challenge, yes, but you'll get there. You are already on the path to healing because you are sharing your feelings. Believe that because it's true. This may not be the ideal forum for talking about depression, judging by some of the responses, but it's a start.

 

I'm not a huge fan of depression forums except for their information content. It can be unhelpful to read other people's stories when you are feeling very low yourself but it's an individual thing. There is a lot of useful info on the latest drugs and side effects though which might be worth a look. You will find the right drug and dosage that works for you - just have patience - it's definitely worth it.

 

Thank you for giving me my first sincere smile today.

 

.....and where there is one sincere smile, there are plenty more! Remember that!

 

Here's another idea - maybe you could write a poem or piece of prose about anything that brings a genuine smile to your face. Start with one a month if that's all you can manage, then one every fortnight, then one every week - you get the picture. You'll have another book ready for publication in no time!

[landshark]

After reading your posts, your situation has hit a raw nerve with me. Clinical depression is a very difficult condition. With the revolving meds, trials and tribulations of life like you're going through I feel for you. Just know that whatever, is fueling your writing, has made my day, Young. This five months has been pure hell but after reading your stuff has made me see things differently and with discipline and I owe it to you. NC is the only way and putting my a** in the gym and with friends that care about me has been difficult but necessary to try and gather up the thousands of pieces that my heart is in right now. Keep your head up Young, you and I are in a similar place. Let's pull ourselves out of it and come out better at the other end of the tunnel of self-imposed hell!

[youngnlove89]

After reading your posts, your situation has hit a raw nerve with me. Clinical depression is a very difficult condition. With the revolving meds, trials and tribulations of life like you're going through I feel for you. Just know that whatever, is fueling your writing, has made my day, Young. This five months has been pure hell but after reading your stuff has made me see things differently and with discipline and I owe it to you. NC is the only way and putting my a** in the gym and with friends that care about me has been difficult but necessary to try and gather up the thousands of pieces that my heart is in right now. Keep your head up Young, you and I are in a similar place. Let's pull ourselves out of it and come out better at the other end of the tunnel of self-imposed hell!

 

I'm glad I could help you. That makes me happy.

 

I'm working on it, everyday. I would like to get better, but I don't know how to get through my darkest moments. They can be scary.

 

but thanks for the support and the kind words.

[aisuru]

I'm glad I could help you. That makes me happy.

 

I'm working on it, everyday. I would like to get better, but I don't know how to get through my darkest moments. They can be scary.

 

but thanks for the support and the kind words.

 

YNL, I hope you find the peace and balance in life you so deserve.

 

I hope you find the right meds that work for you.

 

Have you been able to see a therapist yet? I know therapy, more than anything, has helped me off and on in my life.

 

I know where you speak from. I know it's almost impossible to generate the strength to get out of that place on your own.

 

Everybody deserves a solid support system for these moments.

[Leigh 87]

I hope you're okay......

 

It's always sad to hear such a unique, cool and pretty individual, talk about something this dark.

 

I'll write more to you later. I'm waiting for my own therapy appointment.

 

Have you found a therapist or psychologist that is a good fit?

 

Talk more later.....

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't value myself at all. I don't expect anyone else to either.

 

This is not a self pity party. This is really how I feel. It's how I've been feeling.

 

I was recently on anti depressant and was instructed to cut them off cold turkey because of the side effects I was getting. And now since I've gone off them like this, I'm empty.

 

This is more normal than you think.

 

Esp. when you cut the ADs.

 

Especially when you cut the anti-depressants.

 

We're you on an SSRI by chance?

 

Sorry this is kind of the first example I could think of. There are many others that are better.

 

 

This is not to say that you are an addict in any way. But ADs build-up Neuro-transmitters and when that gets suddenly taken away, it takes usually a couple of weeks for your brain to register and compensate for the adjustment.

 

Refined sugars and flour as well as dairy all play with neurotransmitters as well. So if you are hooked on sugar try to kick that habit too. It only messes with your serotonin etc.

 

Exercise is crucial. But if you can't manage that right away AT LEAST go outside for an extended time during the day.

 

I know it's just kind of blah blah blah

 

But truly, deeply, it's hard to find a purpose or meaning in the midst of the suffering. And it may look infinite at this point. (Trust me, I know I know I know. I have been hospitalized three times for issues relating to this). It is not infinite.

 

But the best way to shorten it is to know that your brain right now is still realigning itself so you are going to feel very meaningful. The same way a person injured in one eye is not going to have depth perception until the injury heals and the bandage is off.

 

Don't worry so much about the depth right yet as much as building up the positive portions of your brain (left frontal lobe). Then the depth perception (meaning) will return.

 

One exercise that was helpful even on the darkest days was to write down a journal of the positive things that happened during the day. Even if it is just one thing like: there is a roof over my head. The Sun came up. Try to focus on it. Cut yourself some slack if you can't right away.

[dreamingoftigers]

By the way don't let the people shame you over "there's people starving in Africa." Let them go donate some money then or something.

 

I will be very very blunt: I was suicidal when I was younger significantly so and fought my personal demons for years before being confident that I would never experience being suicidal again (well, pretty darn sure anyway).

 

It turned out that my brain was very much out of balance due to trauma. After trauma therapy, I had circumstances that the average person would have absolutely crumbled in trying to deal. I've seen average people crumble for much much less.

 

The reason I didn't was twofold: 1. I lived through having an imbalanced brain for years and survived. My diagnosis back then was practically a mental health death sentence. 2. My brain was now in much better balance and those years of pain prepped me to fight much better.

 

To anyone who doesn't take this seriously: I would rather spend a year in Hell with a balanced brain than one more day of absolute pits of misery with an unbalanced brain feeling hopeless.

 

The difference in pain is immense, that's why people who's brain doesn't perceive that depth of pain do not understand it. In fact it is virtually inarticulatable to try to explain to someone who hasn't truly felt the depths of wanting to end it and being flooded with emotions. Or completely tapped out and drained/empty.

 

The english language simply does not have the words to explain the impact that it makes. And no, that is not being dramatic.

[dreamingoftigers]

IMHO, IME,

 

Only complete fuc*ing morons tell you things like you're "indulging" or "cowardly" or want to be "coddled."

 

Don't bother with it...

 

You have an issue that you can't pin down. All that you can do from where you are sitting is express the symptom. And if the reaction to that symptom is scorn or judgment, it isn't worth your time.

 

Someone is always going to judge you. They'll judge you on who you date, how you look, your age, your education, your experience, your spelling, your singing voice, and most certainly your current state of mental health.

 

And for some reason the people who have the most judgments and least empathy the greatest inability to keep that sh*t to themselves.

 

I don't know why. If I had to guess, it would probably be because it's uncomfortable for them to hear and shame often shuts people up. That's only my best guess though. Anyone telling you that you are "predictable" is only telling you "you had the same symptom last year."

 

Well, thanks Dr.-Know-It_All. Thanks for being our medical correspondent letting everyone know that a recurrent imbalance might look the same this year as it did last year. New at Eleven.

 

It's so damn easy to stay focused on swimming to that reef a mile away while you are drowning and being chased by sharks. For so many people it's much easier to sit in the crowd screaming "swim faster already, dammit what's wrong with you!? We told you to swim faster a few minutes ago!"

 

Save you energy on arguing with morons that do that. Save it for receiving help that works.

[youngnlove89]

Thank you for the people who were nice. Even for those of you who haven't experienced first hand what depression is like, I'm glad you weren't close minded and quick to judge.

 

Dreamingoftigers, I was on SSRI I believe. I think that is what Viibryd was.

 

But I researched going off of anti depressants cold turkey and a lot of people complained of more intense feelings of suicide. It was horrible on Saturday morning I woke up crying. I've never done that before. It felt like someone died, I was that sad. And I didn't have a reason to cry.

 

But anyways, I think Viibryd really was starting to help me until I increased the dosage. I didn't realize how depressed I was before until I went off of it. So hopefully I can find another medication that works for me this time.

 

I feel a lot better hearing the positive comments I've received. You guys have lifted me up and have given me hope. Thank you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for the people who were nice. Even for those of you who haven't experienced first hand what depression is like, I'm glad you weren't close minded and quick to judge.

 

Dreamingoftigers, I was on SSRI I believe. I think that is what Viibryd was.

 

But I researched going off of anti depressants cold turkey and a lot of people complained of more intense feelings of suicide. It was horrible on Saturday morning I woke up crying. I've never done that before. It felt like someone died, I was that sad. And I didn't have a reason to cry.

 

But anyways, I think Viibryd really was starting to help me until I increased the dosage. I didn't realize how depressed I was before until I went off of it. So hopefully I can find another medication that works for me this time.

 

I feel a lot better hearing the positive comments I've received. You guys have lifted me up and have given me hope. Thank you.

 

Yes, it is an SSRI. Vilazodone. Viibryd is the brand name.

 

I did not do particularly well on SSRIs. I think because serotonin was not my issue. It turns out that I have ADD which is partially a "not enough regulated dopamine in my PFC" issue. (I.e. essential for concentration).

 

OKay, how to explain. Because you would have jerked your dosage up and it caused side effects, you might have started the production of "too much" NT chemical. Naturally, your brain says "oh hey, stop producing so much serotonin, we've got this truckload of other serotonin coming in from somewhere."

 

So it slows production. And all of a sudden the serotonin delivery truck stops showing up one day.

 

Think of your walmart all of a sudden missing two shipments of toilet paper. Before they can switch suppliers. You weren't in that much of a bind before, but since your supplier was sending overstock, you dropped the price and cleared the shelves.

 

Then all of a sudden, you're out, so now you've got all of these new customers with a greater need for toilet paper and they're pissed. You've got to switch back to the original supplier. And there will be an overall shortage for a little bit until the excess demand settles.

 

You probably weren't this depressed before. BUT the bright side is essentially it's a mechanical issue, not a personal one. There isn't a "defect." It's a lack of a supply at the moment. So, you need to boost that serotonin in healthy, sustainable ways. (NOT PASTA, you don't want to end up being able to roll faster than you can walk.)

 

It's entirely possible that you might not have had a serotonin issue at all to begin with. But then again, I am not your doctor.

 

I was given Effexor (SSRI as well) to combat depression after hospitalization. Guess what? A few weeks after they firmly announced to NOT give SSRIs to anyone contemplating suicide. I agree. It nearly killed me. All of a sudden I had the energy to do my psychotic thoughts but the emotional-control/peaceful part of the whole "cure" hadn't kicked in yet. Usually suicide stops itself because the depressed person doesn't have the energy to follow-through on the attempt. They just think, "I wish I could die. I need a nap."

 

So.... clearly you have a bit of a predisposition to a little more darkness than I personally would give an SSRI to. And the withdrawal is a bitch.

 

I cold turkeyed after a dosage increase as well. I got sick out of both ends for two days and wanted to die. But at least it was physical this time instead of emotional.

 

Also, I found on the SSRIs that I still felt crappy, empty, kind of "grey." But that I didn't want to kill myself. It was just like having the same kinds of emotions but under 20 feet of cement. "I want to die, but I just don't feel like doing anything about it right now. Enh. Friends is on."

 

Neurotransmitters can take you to lots of places. Personally I HATE paying chemistry lab with my body and the "guess and check" can be dangerous, as I see you are discovering.

 

How is your diet? I'm guessing you barely feel like eating or doing all that much right now.

 

And what is the thought that pushes you over? Don't tell me in thread. You don't even have to tell me if you don't want. But you can PM me. Sometimes it's best to get them out. Sometimes they are really shameful and when you say them, it kind of lets them go if you realize you haven't quite sold yourself on them. IMHO.

 

In counseling I discovered that I had around 200 things that I had heard and absorbed over the years as very negative messages. That was off of the top of my head. My counselor simply said, "are you still wondering why you are depressed?"

 

But the way, the one that you are on is VERY new and only 44% of people respond to it well. The rest it is ineffective or side effects aren't worth it (less than 10% of cases). Always always look up what you are taking.

 

One doctor gave me a stimulant and a sleeping pill once. I didn't want either. But I looked up the sleeping pill. Turns out that it was a class of drugs called "Z-drugs" which are linked with a whole batch of cancers, liver problems etc etc etc. Forget it. It was supposed to help me fall asleep with the stimulant they were recommending. I would rather have the sleep-adjustment period than the cancer, thank you.

[dtj567]

I know how you feel, somewhat. I have bi polar, and avoidant personality disorder. When I was 16 I started hearing voices and I went deep into psychosis. hallucinations, delusions etc. I was taking 16 pills a day and sleeping 12 hrs everyday. My pills gave me involuntary movement in my whole body, so I looked like I had Parkinson's. this went on for 3 years. Early last I attempted suicide. It's a constant battle, but I have learned a lot, not only about myself, but others. I also went from 16 pills to only 2 a day, and I no longer have psychosis, my dr said I made a full recovery. So there is hope.

 

I think you should try to go out into nature, that helps me. There's a park nearby my apartment, its really therapeutic. I hope everything goes well.

 

Also don't listen to people who put you down for being depressed. I've been made fun by drs in the mental hospital, can you imagine a young scared, and completely out of his mind boy being made fun of by a dr. It says more about them then you. Forgive them for they do not know what they are doing. When someone is depressed they are vulnerable and a target and like monkeys going after food, so will the lesser man go after someone hurting. They are nothing but ignorant humans who haven't learned compassion.

Edited June 11, 2013 by dtj567

[youngnlove89]

I'm so sorry for what you had to endure! That is awful. Where is the dignity and respect in people today? Why is everything such a joke to them?

 

I'm glad you had a full recovery. That is great! And I'm glad you are here to share your story

 

Thank you

 

I know how you feel, somewhat. I have bi polar, and avoidant personality disorder. When I was 16 I started hearing voices and I went deep into psychosis. hallucinations, delusions etc. I was taking 16 pills a day and sleeping 12 hrs everyday. My pills gave me involuntary movement in my whole body, so I looked like I had Parkinson's. this went on for 3 years. Early last I attempted suicide. It's a constant battle, but I have learned a lot, not only about myself, but others. I also went from 16 pills to only 2 a day, and I no longer have psychosis, my dr said I made a full recovery. So there is hope.

 

I think you should try to go out into nature, that helps me. There's a park nearby my apartment, its really therapeutic. I hope everything goes well.

 

Also don't listen to people who put you down for being depressed. I've been made fun by drs in the mental hospital, can you imagine a young scared, and completely out of his mind boy being made fun of by a dr. It says more about them then you. Forgive them for they do not know what they are doing. When someone is depressed they are vulnerable and a target and like monkeys going after food, so will the lesser man go after someone hurting. They are nothing but ignorant humans who haven't learned compassion.

[dtj567]

I hope everything goes well with you too. I don't why everything is a joke to people. A lot of things about me people make fun of. My small penis, race, mental illness, height, etc. you just have to stand up for yourself. Or walk away. What's hard is not letting it affect you, I usually try to counter act the negative, by looking at positive things. That way it balances out. I hope this helps.

Edited June 11, 2013 by dtj567

[Mack05]

Youngnlove firstly let me say you are a very well articulated young woman. You write very well. I like your writing style, especially your positive posts..

 

Now onto business. I see a lot of me in you. Well me 2 years ago. I was posting on this site regularly. I didn't realise it at the time but my posts were all over the place. Some posts happy and positive (where I wanted and hoped to be) some posts negative, some angry, some reflective, some venting etc etc. My mood would change almost everyday. I'm sure if a professional was studying me they would have seen the internal war I was raging within myself. They would have seen just how all over the place I was.

 

I am so happy I found this site because reading back over those old posts has been very illuminating to me. Sometimes I shook my head at how pathetic I was. But nowadays when I notice myself being self critical, I stop myself. Not allowed. The past is the past. It will not get me down ever again.

 

I see so much of me in you right now. I mean today there is this very sombre negative post. Yesterday in another forum on LS your post had a mainly positive message. In another forum well lets not even mention that haha. In a short space of time your posts go from negative, to positive to everything in between. These posts clearly show the volatility in your life right now.

 

I don't have the answers, you just have to do what is right for you. I can tell you want I did. Because of my incredible family and friends I have never wanted to commit suicide, so I can't advise you from that prespective. I did suffer from severe depression. Rightly or wrongly, I refused to ever take medication (bar a herbal remedy). IMO medication for depression just dims my wits, my feelings. I don't care how ignorant that statement is, its my belief and on this subject I am not for changing.

 

I moved country and got fit. Still I was so frustrated by my lack of progress. I would post here in frustration at how slow I felt this overall recovery was. It felt like two steps forward, one step back. It was progress but it was very slow. I read self help books. Some I found useful, some I threw my eyes up to heaven. I moved again back to my home country to a small town. A town that has never been remotely in my (life) plans.

 

Then things became weird. I had a silly pointless exchange with my last ex and it was like one morning I woke up and I was back. My thought process, everything is just different. Like some enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that dark cloud has been replaced by sunlight. It's like I see things so clearly now. I wish I could explain it but honestly I can't.

 

On my journey I learnt one thing. If you keep perserving, keep doing the right things no matter how small these right things are, you will eventually get to where you want to go to (sometimes even by accident). Do I have the perfect life? God no. As you get older there are more and more things in life you got to let go, but I am happy. The internal war is over. Fear, Insecurities, unrealistic expectations have been replaced by hope and self belief. If the tough times come back I am well equipped to dig in, be strong and fight.

 

Just keep perserving, inch by inch just keep moving forward..You will get there..

Edited June 12, 2013 by Mack05