My last breath, hopefully soon.

[youngnlove89]

I don’t know where to begin. I sit here enduring a heavy ache of sadness, disappointment and resentment, a dark cloud that follows me wherever I go. It’s a feeling that burdens me at night, sits on my chest and threatens what is left of me. I have second guessed every endeavor, every look, and every palpable touch that has been laid upon me.

 

I feel so much and so little at the same time.

 

I exist in an empty dark soul that is operated by a shadow of what I should be, what I don't know how to be. It sits on my crushed soul looking out into vacant eyes in a world that shames me.

 

I can’t help but wonder what my purpose is here.

 

If I were to leave, would it be wise? Would I regret it? Would anyone even realize I’m not here anymore? For a moment, the few that would grieve would eventually move on, forgetting the body I walked in. I would become a victim rather than a life that lived well. There would be no celebration, just a road that has reached its merciful ending. A simple last breath of a body that didn't have the strength to live.

 

I don’t have a life to take. My life has been taken already and I’m just a body that exists by the very lungs that dictate my last breath.

 

I search for the buttons to push, the switch to turn off, I’ve examined every layer of my skin to let it all go. I can’t find it. Help.

 

I’m here for now, existing. Until then, until my lungs collapse and my heart clocks out, I’m just a prisoner of a body that has claimed me. I’m locked up by bones that keep me as a prisoner, not to keep me alive, but to make me fearful of my last breath.

 

Until then...

Edited June 10, 2013 by youngnlove89

[johan]

I can relate to the feelings you're expressing, including the confusion as to what the purpose of life is. But this is something you have to go through, and it is what ultimately gives life its value. When you someday achieve the thing you're so disappointed to have lost now, you'll remember these times. And the perspective will make you wiser and more mature than you would have been otherwise. Better able to keep what you have and to value it correctly.

 

You do need to learn there is little to be gained from over-indulging in self-pity. Ultimately how much others value you means a lot less than how much you value yourself.

[youngnlove89]

You do need to learn there is little to be gained from over-indulging in self-pity. Ultimately how much others value you means a lot less than how much you value yourself.

 

I don't value myself at all. I don't expect anyone else to either.

 

This is not a self pity party. This is really how I feel. It's how I've been feeling.

 

I was recently on anti depressant and was instructed to cut them off cold turkey because of the side effects I was getting. And now since I've gone off them like this, I'm empty.

[KatZee]

You do need to learn there is little to be gained from over-indulging in self-pity. Ultimately how much others value you means a lot less than how much you value yourself.

 

Agreed. Since this whole mess is over some guy who can't even commit to you. It's not like you were diagnosed with a terminal cancer, or you lost a family member to some freak accident, or you're a bum living in your car on Skid Row.

 

You put so much effort and emphasis and you put all your happiness right into the hands of this one guy, who I'm going to continue to say it, is an idiot.

 

You allow him to dictate your up's and your down's. You're just existing right now. Nothing excites you, you're not LIVING.

 

But I've said it before and I'll say it now. You're going to continue going down the hole you're going down until you make the decision to change it. Instead you make excuses for yourself because you're too scared to do a thing about it. So your fear puts you in the situation you're at now.

 

Miserable.

 

Just kind of confused why you keep creating thread after thread of unhappiness, and then you go and get back with the guy who started this to begin with, and you fail to do one thing to better your situation.

 

Pity party time is over. You can whine and whine, and complain and be down and depressed, but if you don't do one thing about it... what is anyone here supposed to say to you?

[KatZee]

I don't value myself at all. I don't expect anyone else to either.

 

This is not a self pity party. This is really how I feel. It's how I've been feeling.

 

I was recently on anti depressant and was instructed to cut them off cold turkey because of the side effects I was getting. And now since I've gone off them like this, I'm empty.

 

So get on a new anti-depressant. There are tons. You're clearly depressed. And depression isn't just a state of mind. It's not like you can just snap your fingers and go "OK I'm happy!" It's a legit chemical imbalance in your brain.

 

So you need to be on anti-depressants along with actually taking steps to fix your life.

[Zahara]

Poetic wallowing and self-pity.

 

First step. Go back to your doctor and tell him about the side effects and request new meds.

[youngnlove89]

Excuse me Katzee, I've had enough of you thinking you know me! Stop. You put me down every time, and I'm tired of it. You are making things worse.

 

You have no idea my life and what I have gone through. You only know what I choose to post. Just because I don't have terminal cancer or someone didn't die in a crazy accident means that I shouldn't feel this way? Please. How rude of you to say such a thing.

 

I have a chemical imbalance and I've had this issue PRIOR to my current relationship. I've been on meds before. I've lost people. I've been raped. I've been cheated on. But, I DO NOT NEED A REASON to feel the way I feel. It's who I am. So whatever has or has not happened to me in my life is irrelevant to how I should feel.

 

I have attempted suicide twice before in my life, once when I was 16 and once when I was 20. I have felt this way my whole life. It comes in waves. I've been worse off before. To get to the point where I'm chugging a bottle of pills and drinking alcohol is the worst I've been. Since then, I've tried my best not to go back to that point. But it is getting harder every day.

 

So please stop referring this to my boyfriend every time. You are diminishing my feelings. I don't appreciate it!

[youngnlove89]

I am absolutely appalled by these comments.

 

I can't imagine trying to tell my friends and family the way I feel and being put down for it. I come to a place where I can tell people my feelings without being judged by them and that is exactly what you have all done.

 

This isn't self pity.

 

You are heartless people. How rude.

[KatZee]

Excuse me Katzee, I've had enough of you thinking you know me! Stop. You put me down every time, and I'm tired of it. You are making things worse.

 

You have no idea my life and what I have gone through. You only know what I choose to post. Just because I don't have terminal cancer or someone didn't die in a crazy accident means that I shouldn't feel this way? Please. How rude of you to say such a thing.

 

I have a chemical imbalance and I've had this issue PRIOR to my current relationship. I've been on meds before. I've lost people. I've been raped. I've been cheated on. But, I DO NOT NEED A REASON to feel the way I feel. It's who I am. So whatever has or has not happened to me in my life is irrelevant to how I should feel.

 

I have attempted suicide twice before in my life, once when I was 16 and once when I was 20. I have felt this way my whole life. It comes in waves. I've been worse off before. To get to the point where I'm chugging a bottle of pills and drinking alcohol is the worst I've been. Since then, I've tried my best not to go back to that point. But it is getting harder every day.

 

So please stop referring this to my boyfriend every time. You are diminishing my feelings. I don't appreciate it!

 

I've been watching your threads for over a year now. I don't need to know you in a physical sense to have an idea of what you're like.

 

And I'm making things worse? How are you able to allow strangers on the internet to dictate your well being?

 

You're the most predictable person on LS. You've never proven any of us here wrong. You continue to do the same thing over and over and over and over and over. And then you're confused as to why people call you out on your "poetic wallowing and self pity."

 

I think you know I know you pretty well and that's why you're all up in arms now. You're scared. You get scared. You lash out, you get angry and you blame other people for whatever is going on in your life.

 

I'm not making anything worse for you. YOU'RE making things worse for you. I have absolutely zero impact on your life.

 

And from what you just wrote, you do not benefit one iota from these threads, if anything you've just taken your moods to an entirely new level. I wouldn't even say get on medication. I'd say admit yourself into a mental health facility. You need to be somewhere where you have no access to a computer, no access to your cell phone, no access to your s.hitbag boyfriend, no access to LS where you're obsessing and writing. You need to go there, and STAY there and talk to counselors and talk to therapists and create a routine for yourself.

 

You can say I'm putting you down and attacking you all you want. At the end of the day I stand by every single thing I've ever said to you. You have no clue how to navigate the world, you have no clue how to prioritize, you have zero respect or care for yourself, you're depressed, and you've had a s.hit ton of crap happen to you, and now you're coming out saying that you've attempted suicide twice.

 

I'm kind of confused how your family members could live with a person such as yourself and not even notice the signs, not see what's going on right in front of them, and how they wouldn't even bother to step in to get you help.

[esteem-jam]

I will try. Ive attemptet suicide in 2001. It was really bad, nobody knew, I cleaned all the traces. I remember the date, I funnily sometimes think of it as my second birthday, although I also notice how I completely forget the date some years and only days later i think I should have celebrated or what.

 

So its been 12 years ago? And I often do wonder, why I stayed alive, there gots to be a reason. But I cant really tell. I have seen, heard, tasted in this time (naturally). Also people have seen me, although I havent been involved much into enything.

 

I can think of it as a butterfly effect. My interactions with people alter their lives, a bit. And that may be the "reason" why I stayed alive. Although if there is a higher force which "reasons" everything, it could have killed me there and alter the world other ways, cause its the grand "reason", sure it can create other things.

 

So, if you wait for a reason... it would be hard to see. Cause like I said, I am a bit ahead of you timewise, and I havent seen it yet.

[Zahara]

I have a friend that committed suicide over a man. She jumped from a building. That was 18 years ago. Her mother has never been the same. If you have a mother, I would hope your love for her and your family would deter you enough as you consider the loss that they will feel. It isn't just about you. And no, it's not temporary nor will they ever fully move on or ever grasp or find peace in coming to terms as to why you did it.

 

Would it be wise? Don't know. You'd be dead.

 

Would you regret it? Don't know. You'd be dead.

 

I have a friend that passed away from cancer and she was 26. She would have done anything to have her life and live it. It was hard to see her fight to live just to see another day.

 

Once you're gone, you're gone. No reversing. No taking it back. No regretting. No changing your mind.

 

If this isn't about this guy, then get to the doctor and seek a different type of medication. If you can do something about it, do it. If you identify a root to your bad feelings, find ways to help subdue it. Your issues don't go away just because you tried a type and it had side effects. You know you have depression, you did something about it and if it didn't work then, seek an alternative now.

 

Otherwise, you'll just keep poetically indulging in your issues and continue your spiral downward.

Edited June 10, 2013 by Zahara

[youngnlove89]

I have a friend that committed suicide over a man. She jumped from a building. That was 18 years ago. Her mother has never been the same. If you have a mother, I would hope your love for her and your family would deter you enough as you consider the loss that they will feel. It isn't just about you. And no, it's not temporary nor will they ever fully move on or ever grasp or find peace in coming to terms as to why you did it.

 

I wouldn't take my life over a guy. Sure, I've been sad from letting a guy hurt me. But I would not take my life for one. I know that time heals a broken heart. I'm sorry your friend did that, that is awful.

 

And one reason why I am seeking help is because of my mom. If it weren't for her, I would have been gone a long time ago.

 

I have a friend that passed away from cancer and she was 26. She would have done anything to have her life and live it. It was hard to see her fight to live just to see another day.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. But I don't think this has anything to do with how I feel. You guys are concluding that only people who are given terminal diagnosis's or lost someone in a tragic way have the right to be depressed. and the rest of us shouldn't be, because we have no right. You are wrong to say that. Just like your friend would give anything to live her life, I would give anything to not live mine. I have pondered that before, how come it is so unfair? The people who want to live...die, and the people who don't...survive.

 

If this isn't about this guy, then get to the doctor and seek a different type of medication. If you can do something about it, do it. If you identify a root to your bad feelings, find ways to help subdue it. Your issues don't go away just because you tried a type and it had side effects. You know you have depression, you did something about it and if it didn't work then, seek an alternative now.

 

I am doing what I can. I'm going to the doctors once a week to find something to help me. I am taking initiative. I am seeking therapy.

[Treasa]

Who the **** told you to go cold turkey from your meds??? OMG, woman, you have to taper off those things!

 

If it was your doctor, find a NEW doctor, or get a psychiatrist. Or a better one.

[Keenly]

You should take a deep breath and ease into going with the flow.

 

 

From my perspective, you are a beautiful young woman with a very open and alluring personality. You will literally have your choice of man to spend your life with, and you can be as picky as you'd like. I know its not right now, but life is long, and even a year l, while it might feel short looking back on one, is long when looking ahead. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you will make one lucky man very, very happy one day, and he will do the same for you. Do not ever settle, because one such as yourself gets free choice of any out there.

 

 

 

I wish you good luck, and to just let time pass and wait for new situations to present themselves.

 

You have plenty of time left. Trust me on this one .

[Tree_Salmon]

You should take a deep breath and ease into going with the flow.

 

 

From my perspective, you are a beautiful young woman with a very open and alluring personality. You will literally have your choice of man to spend your life with, and you can be as picky as you'd like. I know its not right now, but life is long, and even a year l, while it might feel short looking back on one, is long when looking ahead. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you will make one lucky man very, very happy one day, and he will do the same for you. Do not ever settle, because one such as yourself gets free choice of any out there.

 

 

 

I wish you good luck, and to just let time pass and wait for new situations to present themselves.

 

You have plenty of time left. Trust me on this one .

 

This has nothing to do with getting over her depression.

[KatZee]

This has nothing to do with getting over her depression.

 

No. It doesn't. People this severely depressed do not see any of the above of what you've written so it's completely irrelevant. She doesn't feel that way for herself. You're writing it from a mentally healthy perspective. Sure she can read that and agree, but to fully grasp it no. She needs professional help.

[youngnlove89]

Who the **** told you to go cold turkey from your meds??? OMG, woman, you have to taper off those things!

 

If it was your doctor, find a NEW doctor, or get a psychiatrist. Or a better one.

 

I was increased to a higher dosage and felt faint, was seeing black spots and was shaking bad. He told me to go off them and call 911. I didn't call 911 though because I was at work.

 

Since then, I have had immense dark feelings of despair, uncontrollable crying and shaking.

 

I have an appt tomorrow to get back on something.

[youngnlove89]

You should take a deep breath and ease into going with the flow.

 

From my perspective, you are a beautiful young woman with a very open and alluring personality. You will literally have your choice of man to spend your life with, and you can be as picky as you'd like. I know its not right now, but life is long, and even a year l, while it might feel short looking back on one, is long when looking ahead. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you will make one lucky man very, very happy one day, and he will do the same for you. Do not ever settle, because one such as yourself gets free choice of any out there.

 

I wish you good luck, and to just let time pass and wait for new situations to present themselves.

 

You have plenty of time left. Trust me on this one .

 

Thank you. I appreciate the compassion. But unfortunately my problem doesn't lie within who I am compatible with. It is a deeper issue that is a current endeavor of mine to fix and resolve. But again, thank you for the kind words.

[Keenly]

Thank you. I appreciate the compassion. But unfortunately my problem doesn't lie within who I am compatible with. It is a deeper issue that is a current endeavor of mine to fix and resolve. But again, thank you for the kind words.

 

If there is anything I can do to help I would be more than willing to offer any service I can, even if its just some one to vent / talk to. You know how often I'm on here so...

[youngnlove89]

If there is anything I can do to help I would be more than willing to offer any service I can, even if its just some one to vent / talk to. You know how often I'm on here so...

 

Thank you I really appreciate that.

[Zahara]

I am doing what I can. I'm going to the doctors once a week to find something to help me. I am taking initiative. I am seeking therapy.

 

If the doctor that you are working with now have cut you off from meds knowing that you're suffering with depression, find another doctor that can find an alternative solutions versus just telling you to call 911 without any follow-up. And if you're not finding change or learning ways to cope from your therapist, seek a new one.

 

My brother suffered from severe depression and suicidal thoughts and contemplated twice. His was so severe that he was hearing voices and seeing things. He had to seek a variety of doctors before two finally worked. He's been on the right path now for years. Yes, he struggles sometimes but he doesn't dive or delve into dark thoughts. But with that also comes the motivation to want to fight what you suffer.

 

You don't post about death, casually note you didn't find your anti-depression meds helpful therefore, you stopped taking them and go back to square one. If that is the case how/what can anyone do to help you or what is it do you want from us when you post something like that?

Edited June 10, 2013 by Zahara

[youngnlove89]

You don't post about death, casually note you didn't find your anti-depression meds helpful therefore, you stopped taking them and go back to square one. If that is the case how/what can anyone do to help you or what is it do you want from us when you post something like that?

 

I posted to get my thoughts on paper (or thread per say). I thought maybe someone else would say they feel the same way or have felt the same way and they did x,y,z to fix it. I wasn't looking for attitude or demeaning comments. I wasn't looking to be knocked down further in the hole I'm in.

 

I wanted support, someone to show that people can be caring and that I deserve to be alive and happy. I wanted comfort.

 

I am an introvert, I am naturally attracted to being alone. So the close friends that I do have, I don't openly discuss this with them. I can hide my feelings very well. I can put a fake smile on and people will believe it. It's easy.

 

I have talked to my parents about it before, but they didn't take me seriously. It's like a joke to everyone. "I don't have a valid reason to be this way." I talked to my boyfriend about it and to be honest, he has been the only one to fully support me and be there.

Edited June 10, 2013 by youngnlove89

[Treasa]

I was increased to a higher dosage and felt faint, was seeing black spots and was shaking bad. He told me to go off them and call 911. I didn't call 911 though because I was at work.

 

Since then, I have had immense dark feelings of despair, uncontrollable crying and shaking.

 

I have an appt tomorrow to get back on something.

 

That happens to me if my potassium gets too low.

 

No, I'm not a medical professional, but it sounds like your doctor isn't, either. What a dumbass. Please see a true psychiatrist.

[Zahara]

I'm sure you have received abundant amounts of posts in response to your threads here on LS. People show they care and and have probably told you more than enough times to be alive and happy. At what point does it get from comforting to coddling?

 

You lament poetically about dying. I would have rather you come here and cry for help that your meds didn't work and you experienced a frightening episode and what's the next step. How come you do not seek comfort and help on LS when you experience these types of situations?

 

Come here and talk about your therapy sessions and ask if you're on the right track or if anyone going through some of the same issues you are, are experiencing positive effects with therapy. Questions that promote you to seek for positive, that help you feel not so alone in your journey to cope/overcome, etc.

 

My parents never took my brother seriously. They kept saying it was his need for attention. It was up to him to make that change, no one else. And your boyfriend is not your boyfriend anymore, so whether he was there or not, he's not anymore. Time to stand on your own two feet, forget about who did what, and YOU try to make changes for yourself.

Edited June 10, 2013 by Zahara

[youngnlove89]

I'm sure you have received abundant amounts of posts in response to your threads here on LS. People show they care and and have probably told you more than enough times to be alive and happy. At what point does it get from comforting to coddling?

 

You lament poetically about dying. I would have rather you come here and cry for help that your meds didn't work and you experienced a frightening episode and what's the next step. How come you do not seek comfort and help on LS when you experience these types of situations?

 

Come here and talk about your therapy sessions and ask if you're on the right track or if anyone going through some of the same issues you are, are experiencing positive effects with therapy. Questions that promote you to seek for positive, that help you feel not so alone in your journey to cope/overcome, etc.

 

My parents never took my brother seriously. They kept saying it was his need for attention. It was up to him to make that change, no one else. And your boyfriend is not your boyfriend anymore, so whether he was there or not, he's not anymore. Time to stand on your own two feet, forget about who did what, and YOU try to make changes for yourself.

 

Oh gosh. Here we go again. If this is such a bothersome issue where you feel you have to contradict everything I say on here, you have the will to refrain from posting on my thread. I don't mind either way. I can say whatever I feel. I like to write. This is how I express my emotions.

 

What is wrong with coddling? Maybe a person like me needs that reassurance? Maybe it is uplifting to hear that people care.

 

And your boyfriend is not your boyfriend anymore, so whether he was there or not, he's not anymore.

 

What in the world are you talking about? He is my boyfriend. We are currently dating. We got back together awhile ago.

 

From here on out, I will only respond to positive reinforcement.

 

I no longer feel the need to explain myself or conjure a reason to satisfy your distastefulness towards my feelings.

 

What has the world come to?