Forgave my boyfriend but still struggling

[babyb3]

I've been dating my boyfriend long distance for 2 years. This August I am supposed to move in with him so we can drop the long distance issue and see if our relationship will work. However, recently he came clean about smoking weed behind my back. It's something I'm not okay with. I know weed is "innocent" and all of that jazz but I just personally don't want to date someone who's smoking/buying weed. How did I found out? I came across a dating profile of his on an escort website (casual hookups) by Googling his email. I was looking for something else. When I confronted him about it, he denied it. Said he didn't make it. Lied to me over and over. Finally, he came clean. Saying the reason he lied was because he made it when he was high and didn't want the weed habit to come out as he knew I'd get mad. He never used the profile. Last log in/created date was the same. So I gave him another chance because he did not use it. But it really is driving me crazy still. High or not, I don't know why he did it. I know he gets lonely but I will be there soon. And I'm not sure how much weed really played a role in all of this. Was the weed thing just an excuse? Or could he really have been that high? We can get past the weed thing. But the escort thing I'm not sure about.

Edited June 10, 2013 by babyb3

[King_Crimson]

Him creating the escort page had nothing to do with him smoking weed, I can tell you that right now. It was definitely an excuse.

 

Other than that, it really comes down to how much you love and trust this guy. The fact that he created this site points to a high probability of him either thinking of cheating or of cheating in the past. Why would he need to make this page at all if he loves you?

 

You should probably discuss this with him further and make your decision... especially before you guys decide to live together.

[babyb3]

Jeeze, that's what I thought. I'm not sure why he would create it. It was on a disgusting website. Barely looked legitimate at all. And he doesn't have to be with me. If he wants a hookup, go hookup and dump me. I don't understand. I can't make sense of this.

[justwhoiam]

I know weed is "innocent"

I don't care how many people think it's cool. It's not cool to you. Not cool to me either. Besides the effects, both short and long term (and foolish things he can blame on it), you need to know people to get it and depend on them, usually hanging out with arguable people, unless you do everything at home...

 

I came across a dating profile of his on an escort website (casual hookups) by Googling his email. I was looking for something else. When I confronted him about it, he denied it. Said he didn't make it. Lied to me over and over. Finally, he came clean. Saying the reason he lied was because he made it when he was high and didn't want the weed habit to come out as he knew I'd get mad. He never used the profile. Last log in/created date was the same. So I gave him another chance because he did not use it.

You know that doesn't mean anything, don't you? If he enabled notifications, maybe he received emails, and he doesn't need to login to see profiles (you were not logged in, right?), and he might be able to answer emails directly. So you might test it to know for sure. Anyway, the whole thing is sad.

 

When did he create the profile? How long ago?

[Omei]

I'll just say this small thing, as a weed smoker of 10 years it doesn't effect choices in the same way alcohol would if you were really drunk. You can get very high but you still know what, where and who and everything that's going on. So I agree with King_Crimson

[justwhoiam]

I'll just say this small thing, as a weed smoker of 10 years

I've seen weed smokers from the outside. In a timespan of 25 years. I trust an unbiased observer (myself) more than a biased user (yourself).

[umirano]

Ugh, I totally get where the OP is coming from. Being in an LDR with a weed user sucks. I have used weed myself on occasions. Creating a profile on a hook up site does not sound like something you'd do because you're under the influence. It sounds exactly like a typical excuse of a weed user though, maybe even trying to take advantage of your lack of experience, OP.

 

Moving in with this guy should be put off, if not canceled all together. I don't know how old your BF is, but I have a very hard time trusting 20yo using weed while in a LDR. Personal experience.

[babyb3]

The thing is he wants me to stay with him. Obviously if I did that, he's not going to go hook up with girls on some sketchy website. He said he made a mistake by making the profile in the first place but stopped himself. It showed that he didn't log in since that night he was high. I don't know what to do.

[umirano]

I was pretty much in your shoes. My GF used to smoke up heavily and "hang out" with a bunch of mostly male "friends". Later it turned out that at least one of them was heavily crushing on her. She always denied anything happened, though she admitted to "being confused about us". I decided to not break up with her then, but since I've had my guards up.

 

No one knows better than you, what's going on in your RS, and how much you can trust your BF. Maybe I have a few things for you to look at in order to be more able to assess the trustworthiness of your BF:

 

 

• Is he generally a stable person?
  
• Is he generally a trustworthy person? (I.e. do you know that he lies to other people? Does he lie easily?)
  
• How is his family with him? Does his family trust him?
  
• Who are his friends? Does he have a stable circle of friends? Do they seem trustworthy to you? Or do you think they could join him lying to you?
  
• Is your BF generally a mature, centered person? Does he have self-confidence? Or is he someone who needs a lot of external validation?
  

Good luck!

[babyb3]

I was pretty much in your shoes. My GF used to smoke up heavily and "hang out" with a bunch of mostly male "friends". Later it turned out that at least one of them was heavily crushing on her. She always denied anything happened, though she admitted to "being confused about us". I decided to not break up with her then, but since I've had my guards up.

 

No one knows better than you, what's going on in your RS, and how much you can trust your BF. Maybe I have a few things for you to look at in order to be more able to assess the trustworthiness of your BF:

 

 

• Is he generally a stable person?
  
• Is he generally a trustworthy person? (I.e. do you know that he lies to other people? Does he lie easily?)
  
• How is his family with him? Does his family trust him?
  
• Who are his friends? Does he have a stable circle of friends? Do they seem trustworthy to you? Or do you think they could join him lying to you?
  
• Is your BF generally a mature, centered person? Does he have self-confidence? Or is he someone who needs a lot of external validation?
  

Good luck!

 

Yes! Which is why I'm struggling. He's generally so trustworthy. He doesn't seem the type. And even before we dated, he was so adamant about being in a relationship with one person. Not looking at other girls. How cheating is such a terrible thing. I'm just lost.

[umirano]

Technically you don't have any evidence of him cheating. So you may want to give him a second chance. The big issue though seems to be his drug use. What are you willing to put up with? How many weird stories like this are you willing to go through assuming he didn't cheat? Your bf certainly didn't help the rs... He should work his a..off now to make you happy.

[justwhoiam]

It showed that he didn't log in since that night he was high. I don't know what to do.

I told you. Read my previous post please. Maybe you don't need to login in to get to know people or talk to them, if you receive emails for everything. Try it out and see.

[CompleteFailure]

Weed has its pros and cons. It's possible that the weed caused him to make the profile in an indirect way. Say, he smokes weed, he's high, he's horny, he's curious, so he makes a profile on the website to see who else is on. In the past I've done something similar and I never considered in the slightest cheating on my partner.

 

People have sexual urges that they need to release even if you're 'going to be there soon'. In my opinion you're more upset that he lied to you about it and are struggling with why he tried to deceive you. How about you give him this one pass(since you already did) and chalk it up to he was embarrassed to mention to you that he wanted to jerk off.

[Carenth]

Basically it boils down to a few things for me questions you need to ask yourself.

 

• Lied to you, multiple times.
  
• Blamed his actions on a negative habit. How many times is he going to pull this out in the future?
  
• Signed up for an dating site looking for casual hook ups. I don't care what his excuse is he was testing the waters or at least considering cheating if he got a bite from someone.
  

 

Now you need to ask yourself are these qualities in a partner you want to be with? Because more than likely they will show themselves again in the future. For me personally these would be deal breakers as I feel I deserve better than that.

 

Lying to you show a lack of respect and honesty, which are important qualities to me (I can be quite forgiving as long as people are straight with me and don't bull**** me). Blaming his actions on his weed smoking shows a lack of accountability for his actions. Signing up for a dating site looking for casual hookups shows a lack of loyalty and once again a lack of respect for you.

[Trimmer]

I've seen weed smokers from the outside. In a timespan of 25 years. I trust an unbiased observer (myself) more than a biased user (yourself).

So you claim the credibility high ground over Omei, but then you didn't go on to give your "unbiased" opinion of her comment. It sounds like you are taking issue with her point that in spite of being high, the OP's bf should have been completely aware of what he was doing. Are you disagreeing with that?

 

• Blamed his actions on a negative habit. How many times is he going to pull this out in the future?

I agree with Carenth's whole post, and especially this point.

[KaterinaVon]

Most of the times people that smoke weed, have done other more severe drugs.

 

It's kind of like porn, the more you watch the more curious you get about what other types of porn are on there, before you know it you went from simple one on one couples to gangbangs and domenatrix.

 

This guy has to have some questionable friends, I mean, where is he getting the weed from ? Probably some ghetto trash person, or else he would have to grow it himself.

 

Imagine if you move in with him and one day you are in the car with him and the cops pull him over for speeding and he has drugs in the car and he gets busted and you get questioned and grouped into that situation as well. Not good influence for you.

 

Pretty much any drug, excessive alcohol intake, is all forms of body pollutants.

 

The main issue here though ? You have been long distance for TWO YEARS, the best thing he has with you is online chatting or skype... not much of a relationship when you can't see the person on a regular basis. This guy sounds like he wanted some side action, or to meet up with someone, or he wanted to chat with other women. Who knows how many emails he send to how many different women ? Who knows if he met any of them ? Who knows how long he has had that going on for.

 

I know you really like this man and so you are looking for someone to tell you " Give him one more shot".

 

However, take a good look at YOUR own actions. Have you been signing up for escort sites just because he wasn't there ? No right ? It's because you love and respect him and don't want anyone else, even if it's just looking. This guy seems like the type that can't be alone for long, he just has to have sex with whomever. He likes you because you seem nice,stable, mature, etc. But the fact of the matter is, he has sexual needs you weren't there to meet so.... don't buy into his crap that it was because he was "high",

 

Do you have ANY idea how much information those sites require just to sign you up ? You have to answer plenty of questions, are you telling me that he was too high to know what he was doing, but yet he knew exactly how to set up the account ? LOL, oh please ! Also, you can browse some of those sites without signing up for them, clearly him signing up for it means that he was actively looking for someone. If he was just bored he would have looked without signing up.

[Omei]

I've seen weed smokers from the outside. In a timespan of 25 years. I trust an unbiased observer (myself) more than a biased user (yourself).

 

Weed doesn't wear and tear on you permanently like it would something like Meth (I dont do other drugs just sayin) as to where being an observer would count for anything I could stop for 1 year and say the same thing, not even a year 2 hours.

Edited June 12, 2013 by Omei

[Omei]

Most of the times people that smoke weed, have done other more severe drugs.

 

It's kind of like porn, the more you watch the more curious you get about what other types of porn are on there, before you know it you went from simple one on one couples to gangbangs and domenatrix.

 

This made me laugh it's so true lol.

 

This guy has to have some questionable friends, I mean, where is he getting the weed from ? Probably some ghetto trash person, or else he would have to grow it himself.

 

Imagine if you move in with him and one day you are in the car with him and the cops pull him over for speeding and he has drugs in the car and he gets busted and you get questioned and grouped into that situation as well. Not good influence for you.

The weed's not always from some ghetto trash person, high chance yes esp if you're just "getting" from anywhere without a long term hookup like I have with my best friend of 8 years who's not in anyway dodgy lovely girl. There are law's as too how much weed you can have on person without being arrested for holding. But I live in Canada it's very much looked the other way they wont do the paper work unless you have a certain amount. We even hold yearly pot rallies with police supervision.

 

 

Pretty much any drug, excessive alcohol intake, is all forms of body pollutants.

 

 

I agree! Sorry for posting twice oops!

[babyb3]

A bit of an update.

 

I talked to him. Told him I still wasn't okay with all of it. And how it makes me kinda sick thinking about it. I can tell he's getting frustrated and just wants to get past this. He said how hard it is to think about things when you're high and that in the moment he wasn't thinking about me at all. Is that supposed to make me feel better? It's f&*%$*!# weed. Like what does he think this is? He's saying if he was sober this would have never happened. But obviously if he's smoking weed every night what else happens? He's saying nothing nothing nothing, that was it. And that he will take drug tests for me because obviously he's irresponsible and wants to cheat when he's high. Then I feel bad because he says things like he doesn't see himself with anyone else. But if that was true, why make the profile? He's just saying it was a mistake and won't happen again. But I know that cannot be the whole story.

[Carenth]

He isn't going to give up the weed. It's more important to him than you don't even try to change that. You either accept it or walk away I would be doing the later. He is making promises he can't keep drug tests? pfffft bull**** he knows full well he won't give it up.

 

He won't take responsibility for his actions he knows full well what he is doing and is only sorry he got caught attempting to cheat on you. Him being high is irrelevant and a crappy excuse.

 

Don't feel bad he's trying to manipulate you. Probably a half truth, I don't imagine many people would want to be with a weed smoking, lying, irresponsible, cheater do you? I imagine his dating pool is pretty low and for good reason.

 

You deserve a lot better.

[babyb3]

He isn't going to give up the weed. It's more important to him than you don't even try to change that. You either accept it or walk away I would be doing the later. He is making promises he can't keep drug tests? pfffft bull**** he knows full well he won't give it up.

 

He won't take responsibility for his actions he knows full well what he is doing and is only sorry he got caught attempting to cheat on you. Him being high is irrelevant and a crappy excuse.

 

Don't feel bad he's trying to manipulate you. Probably a half truth, I don't imagine many people would want to be with a weed smoking, lying, irresponsible, cheater do you? I imagine his dating pool is pretty low and for good reason.

 

You deserve a lot better.

 

I know that I do. And I've been trying to see that. I originally told him when this happened that the next time he would even see me would be when he's clean. But that doesn't fix the profile, does it? I know I should move on. I just feel like he'll change and I'll miss him. Everything was fine before this. We never had any problems. I never even saw one bad quality in him. Which is why this is tough.

[Carenth]

Except you know he never told you about him smoking weed, or being on escort dating sites, lying in general, blaming his actions on anything but himself. He only came clean when you caught him.

 

Things were not fine you just didn't know who he really was and that is not your fault he was being deceptive. Very unlikely he will change especially with the behavior you have described. He is a very self centered person.

[babyb3]

Except you know he never told you about him smoking weed, or being on escort dating sites, lying in general, blaming his actions on anything but himself. He only came clean when you caught him.

 

Things were not fine you just didn't know who he really was and that is not your fault he was being deceptive. Very unlikely he will change especially with the behavior you have described. He is a very self centered person.

 

Yep. I called him completely and utterly selfish and he agreed.

[justwhoiam]

So you claim the credibility high ground over Omei, but then you didn't go on to give your "unbiased" opinion of her comment.

I just get bothered about people coming here to extol weed. You like it, go on using it. But don't come here extoling it. Because I know better than some random kid, pot addict or fun seeker. That's what I meant. And I thought it was clear.

 

It sounds like you are taking issue with her point that in spite of being high, the OP's bf should have been completely aware of what he was doing. Are you disagreeing with that?

Actually, I couldn't care less if he did that while he was high or not. And I'll tell you why. If he was heavily high, he wouldn't have remembered. He did remember. So he knew what he did, but didn't cancel the profile. He left it on and running. So I guess the only reason why he kept it on and running was because he was getting contacts from it......... by email. That's also why the fact that he didn't log in again is insignificant.

 

Weed doesn't wear and tear on you permanently like it would something like Meth

Funny. Explore what permanent damage you can get if you smoke weed every day for years.

 

(I dont do other drugs just sayin) as to where being an observer would count for anything I could stop for 1 year and say the same thing, not even a year 2 hours.

You can do whatever you want. I will discuss this with you in 25 years from now, for good measure.

 

he's getting frustrated and just wants to get past this.

Typical.

 

in the moment he wasn't thinking about me at all.

Encouraging.

 

if he's smoking weed every night what else happens? He's saying nothing nothing nothing

...

He's just saying it was a mistake and won't happen again. But I know that cannot be the whole story.

If he enjoys smoking weed, I'm not sure he will give that up. Also, if he hangs around certain people... habits can rub off on people.

[TMichaels]

Yep. I called him completely and utterly selfish and he agreed.

 

And, this is attractive, addictive, adorable, excusable, how?

 

Best,

TMichaels