it's not me, it's you

[candie13]

I've been seeing my bf for five months, going on six. I'm 33, he's 38, neither of us have been married or have any children.

 

It was not a smooth relationship, as he is quite closed and has quite a few hung ups about relationships. I'd lie if I did not admit that during our 5 months, he didn't change or make efforts to make our relationship work. So did I.

 

We have a few great things in common and a great deal of other things that separate us. For instance, I love celebrations, I like making gifts and birthdays are important to me. Mine, his, my parents', my sister's, my friends'.

 

So instead of sitting and waiting for him to guess my deepest desire, I actually told him I wanted to spend my birthday weekend with him. Either home, or even better, going somewhere together. He seemed ok about my suggestion, a little bit careful, but told me he'd like to go to Spain with me - I was suggesting that or a short trip to Italy or Portugal. He also told me that he needed to check his schedule, because he is usually traveling a lot during the summer, but he seemed very excited about going to Ibiza.

 

So at the beginning of May, I'm starting to look at flights for Ibiza, because the good deals for mid June were selling like hot pancakes. I get no response from him, when I send him an email with the tickets - like 3 more seats available at a decent price. I get no response. So I realize that I may have been pressuring a bit much, and I leave it be. He confirms the next day that he has to be in Paris for an auction, and that he has to leave since Saturday afternoon - meaning I really cannot spend my birthday with him.

 

I'd leave the details of when he actually told me about his work travel plans and how organizing anything else - I mean going away for the weekend - with my friends, rather impossible.

 

So time flies, we finally get to go together on our first weekend together at the beginning of June, something that was a rather big deal for him and brought us closer together, I'd say.

 

Anyway, I am leaving home, out of the city we both live in, and on Saturday afternoon, when he was supposedly leaving to Paris, I give him a call - by the way, that was one two days before my birthday. He was home, chilling and cooking. Usually, when he is traveling, he's all stressed, it's all about his packing, about his meetings, about work. Nothing of the kind. I'm not saying anything.

 

Yesterday, he is texting me around midnight, wishing me happy birthday, being all sweet and everything. No word of Paris or travel plans. Last night, I've spent a horrible evening, anyway, this morning, I decide to confront my fears and call his Paris office, pretending I'm a client and asking about any auctions taking place during the day. As I was suspecting, no such event taking place.

 

So I just text him, telling him that I know he's not in PAris and that he never planned to be in PAris in the first place. I say that I am deeply hurt by his lies and very disappointed of this relationship and I am kindly asking him to not contact me again.

 

He is responding, telling me that the auction took place end of May, but he had to go to an evaluation, anyway, in Paris. That he was taken off the evaluation, that his colleague had to go to Paris instead. telling me, that is I break up with him now, this shows the depth of my feelings .

 

Obviously, I am calling him a liar again and saying that I know that there was no auction no evaluation, as his colleague in Paris confirmed that to me by the phone. And that these lies show the depth of his feelings for me.

 

Of course, he says i'm very unstable, that I'm always trying to breakup with him when things go great and that he is tired of it.

 

I say that I believe that he may have been unhappy with me being this unstable and not wish to engage any further plans with me because of that. I tell him that I am a grown woman and that I would have preferred to be told the truth.

 

HE told me to get treatment . anyway - I also told him that I knew the truth from his colleague in PAris, called him a liar again and gave him a word of wisdom: I'll go get treatment and he should go get a new gf... and that he should also think of better lies, that cannot be checked, next time. He told me not to write him anymore, to back off!!!

 

So that's exactly what I did, erasing his contact, his messages, his mails.

 

For once, I know it's not me, it's him! I have no control over him, his reactions, his lies... I had asked him, in May, to try to skip his PAris meeting, told him it was very important to me... and yeah, there was no meeting after all. Of course, he'll never admit to the truth now, but the girl in Paris knows the truth. I know the truth. So his side of the story is irrelevant.

 

I am a bit astonished, we'd gotten so close, it was starting to look good, but I've always felt he had his own doubts, yet whenever I asked him, he had never expressed them. That's why I chose to leave him, really...

 

Anyway, jaded... happy birthday to me - it's my birthday, today )) !

[Roadkill007]

happy b-day! so wait, you are saying he was cheating? or am I overreading into it? Either way, I hope you at least have friends and family to celebrate with. I'm not the type to celebrate occasions and stuff, but I know that often people who do feel very lonely when celebrating alone, and I also know just how much happier they are when celebrating with people they love. My condolences on the flake .

[eleve82]

I'm sorry to hear this, candie. At this age, one can't afford to waste anymore time on guys who string us along. I'm sorry that he ended up being a liar, but you are right to cut your losses early.

 

I hope that you managed to salvage your birthday anyway and have a decent celebration, whether with friends or on your own. 5 months is not a long time so not all is lost!

 

Wishing you luck and love.

[Sunshine87]

Wow. Happy Birthday!!!!! Happy birthday!!!!

 

I don't know what to say. Does this mean he was cheating?

[TaraMaiden]

Happy Birthday, candie13.

 

The nicest birthday present he could have given you.

The wonderful chance to not have to be responsible for, or to, anyone else but yourself.

Big day - Freedom, here you come!!

[Mack05]

Firstly happy birthday :-). Hope you have a great day inspite of this guy.

 

I am a 38 year old guy as well. I am single. I remember recently watching a programme on TV and a woman relationship expert saying "if a guy is over a certain age (I think it was 35) and he is single and never married/kids there has to be something wrong with him". I was quiet offended hearing this initally. I mean I am a fairly handsome guy, working hard on my fitness, good job, family and friends etc etc.

 

BUT when I actually reflected on the statement, there is a certain amount of truth to it. Me 2 years ago would have said "silly woman, your wrong, i'm right". Me now recognises that for sure I wasn't perfect, I made some bad mistakes, but I am very determined to put things right. I.E, I see this woman's point..

 

I think this guys problem is that he refuses to believe there is anything 'wrong' with him. I say kudos to you for recognising the red flags and disconnecting from a potentially harmful situation. As you know candie its harder to leave relationships as you hit your 30's because you wonder how many more shots are you going to get it (which of course is the wrong attitude to have).

 

From reading your threads you seem like a confident girl with a lot to offer. Don't let this setback dumpen your believe or your enthusiasm. I am a firm believer if you keep doing the right things and remain positive (even in the face of setbacks) that good things come.

 

Leave him to one side for today and enjoy your birthday...

Edited June 10, 2013 by Mack05

[Leigh 87]

I am so sorry to hear about this. Wow, you sound like a far more confident woman than I am at this stage of my life. I am 26. I really hope I can handle things as well as you did.

 

If it is any consolation, at least you did not get closer before he did this to you. Better to know his true colours NOW rather than later.

 

I lost a man I dearly was in love with and who was everything to me. It hurts like there is no tomorrow.

 

I hope you're doing better than I am. I hope you bounce back quicker.

 

Anyways, we have talked a fair bit through Pm. I am sad to hear you had to deal with lies and deceit. I also had to endure this, and trust me, it hurts way more once you're madly in love with the guy!

 

You don't accept bad behaviour, which I admire; I turned a blind eye to is with the guy I was in love with. I was too in love and too invested to leave and not look back.

 

I hope I can be more like you the next time.

 

Happy birthday by the way. I visit Europe soon and hope to party non stop for the 24 days I am there.

 

I love to celebrate too!

 

Yay. Happy being single day!

 

I actually feel happy when I think about how have learnt from the last idiot, and will therefore have a better shot at finding a longer lasting and better guy!

 

I hope you heal soon.

 

I hope you don't cave in and take him back.

 

You are so much better than a dude who lies like that. But at least you know it.

 

That is a lesson I have recently learnt; I AM so much better. Now I have to really live life that way. Like I deserve better because I am worth more.

[candie13]

No, he did not cheat - when I called the Paris office, it was a woman who answered the phone - his colleague. I pretended to be a client, that's how I got the information about the auction and evaluation schedule.

 

Thank you, everyone, I'm with my lil' sister and her bf, so not really alone.

 

A pity he did not tell me the truth. I don't even know if he was hoping to be caught or was just... plain dumb. Irrelevant, I s'ppose! I'll never understand why telling the truth is so difficult to some people. "I am not ready", "I need more time", "this is going too fast"... just tell the truth and avoid this sort of embarrassing situations.

 

I am so glad I have nothing at his place, no tshirt, no perfume, no toothbrush, nothing!!! I've paid for all my expenses for the weekend, I've actually prepared a lovely picnic for him right before leaving and gave him my gift for his birthday. There is no reason for me to want to be in contact with him or to have to to be in contact with him.

 

It's for the first time in my life when I am ending a relationship, I have regrets, but I accept that I cannot control everything and that leaves me in a good place. Yeah, it hurts, it burns like Hell, but I am convinced I've done the right thing.

 

I would hate to be in his shoes! OMG, I would die to be in his place, right now... but then, I'm not him, as I ?

[TaraMaiden]

I am so sorry to hear about this. Wow, you sound like a far more confident woman than I am at this stage of my life. I am 26. I really hope I can handle things as well as you did.

 

If it is any consolation, at least you did not get closer before he did this to you. Better to know his true colours NOW rather than later.

 

I hope you're doing better than I am. I hope you bounce back quicker.

 

Anyways, we have talked a fair bit through Pm. I am sad to hear you had to deal with lies and deceit.

 

You don't accept bad behaviour, which I admire.

 

I hope I can be more like you the next time.

 

Happy birthday by the way. I visit Europe soon and hope to party non stop for the 24 days I am there.

 

I love to celebrate too!

 

Yay. Happy being single day!

 

I hope you heal soon.

 

I hope you don't cave in and take him back.

 

You are so much better than a dude who lies like that. But at least you know it.

 

 

That's more like it........

[candie13]

Firstly happy birthday :-). Hope you have a great day inspite of this guy.

 

I am a 38 year old guy as well. I am single. I remember recently watching a programme on TV and a woman relationship expert saying "if a guy is over a certain age (I think it was 35) and he is single and never married/kids there has to be something wrong with him". I was quiet offended hearing this initally. I mean I am a fairly handsome guy, working hard on my fitness, good job, family and friends etc etc.

 

BUT when I actually reflected on the statement, there is a certain amount of truth to it. Me 2 years ago would have said "silly woman, your wrong, i'm right". Me now recognises that for sure I wasn't perfect, I made some bad mistakes, but I am very determined to put things right. I.E, I see this woman's point..

 

I think this guys problem is that he refuses to believe there is anything 'wrong' with him. I say kudos to you for recognising the red flags and disconnecting from a potentially harmful situation. As you know candie its harder to leave relationships as you hit your 30's because you wonder how many more shots are you going to get it (which of course is the wrong attitude to have).

 

From reading your threads you seem like a confident girl with a lot to offer. Don't let this setback dumpen your believe or your enthusiasm. I am a firm believer if you keep doing the right things and remain positive (even in the face of setbacks) that good things come.

 

Leave him to one side for today and enjoy your birthday...

 

Mack, I don't think there's anything wrong people over 35, single and not married. Life is strange, sometimes you think you have love, other times you realize you're not. I believe it's important to believe in love and relationship and there's nothing worse than settling.

 

I actually disagree with you, when saying that you've got less chances in your 30's compared to before. My 30s have been eye opening for me and I am a much better person, with a lot more depth, much more in touch with myself, compared to how I was in my 20's.

 

Luckily for me, I still look like I'm in my late 20's and also this experience has left me sour, overall, it gave me much more than it took from me. I was experiencing a severe depression when I met this guy and the cuddling, his acceptance and his treating me alright while we dated, overall, helped me overcome my state. I may have been able to do it on my own, but he was my anchor and I'll always be grateful for meeting him. I believe he was not at the height of my expectations and able to be my boyfriend, once I became functional again , but that is another story.

 

I am very much at peace with myself and I believe the best is ahead of me. I am in a good place and intend to build my castle around these parts, really. All the best to you, and remember, it's our expectations that make us miserable, not the people around us.

 

Best of luck, mack!

[candie13]

I am so sorry to hear about this. Wow, you sound like a far more confident woman than I am at this stage of my life. I am 26. I really hope I can handle things as well as you did.

 

If it is any consolation, at least you did not get closer before he did this to you. Better to know his true colours NOW rather than later.

 

I lost a man I dearly was in love with and who was everything to me. It hurts like there is no tomorrow.

 

I hope you're doing better than I am. I hope you bounce back quicker.

 

Anyways, we have talked a fair bit through Pm. I am sad to hear you had to deal with lies and deceit. I also had to endure this, and trust me, it hurts way more once you're madly in love with the guy!

 

You don't accept bad behaviour, which I admire; I turned a blind eye to is with the guy I was in love with. I was too in love and too invested to leave and not look back.

 

I hope I can be more like you the next time.

 

Happy birthday by the way. I visit Europe soon and hope to party non stop for the 24 days I am there.

 

I love to celebrate too!

 

Yay. Happy being single day!

 

I actually feel happy when I think about how have learnt from the last idiot, and will therefore have a better shot at finding a longer lasting and better guy!

 

I hope you heal soon.

 

I hope you don't cave in and take him back.

 

You are so much better than a dude who lies like that. But at least you know it.

 

That is a lesson I have recently learnt; I AM so much better. Now I have to really live life that way. Like I deserve better because I am worth more.

 

Leigh, I've been in your shoes, last summer when I fell very hard for one boy - and was very very tempted to take a lot of shyte only to keep seeing him. But in the end, I've decided I loved myself more and I deserve to be loved the right way. That was a huge milestone for me and will be a huge milestone for you as well, once you decide to accept and love yourself, with all your qualities and flaws, quirkiness and strange habits.

 

I am thinking I may be numbed from the shock and may be well now, that I'm with ma family and friends. I do fear the return home, I fear being by myself in the places where we used to be together. I keep telling myself that I really did give this relationship my best shot. I really did try my best! My lesson is to stop trying so hard the next time... As miss jacklynrae here used to put it, good things come naturally, no efforts are necessary.

 

I'll do my best to listen to myself more. The worst, to me, is to live with the unanswered question, with the "why". I guess that and getting closure by yourself are the worst things, when a relationship ends, even harder than the ending of that relationships, in itself. That's why NC is so hard. I don't feel the need to be in touch. I fear the moment when I shall.

 

siiighhh....

[candie13]

hey, guys, wanna hear something funny? I was so distressed, that I wanted to get some fresh air into my room and air my sheets... turns out my phone was in there - on the bed sheet (it's all white) and it got thrown off the window and smashed on the ground. Like wow, speaking of a freaky day!

 

I guess that's God's way of telling me ain't no way I'm supposed to get near that phone, tonight!!!

[TaraMaiden]

"The Lord moves in mysterious ways his wonders to perform...."

 

Now that's what I call 'kicking him to the kerb!!"

[candie13]

"The Lord moves in mysterious ways his wonders to perform...."

 

Now that's what I call 'kicking him to the kerb!!"

 

smashin' way of saying that !!!

[sweetheart5381]

This is an excellent thread

 

Some men flake... they just fake it all til they have to deal with their own bull*hit. They act sincere but inside they are not and they know it too. Sucks to be them.

 

OP you are very empowered, I can tell! I'm 38 yrs old and very much the same. You got a great head on your shoulders and aren't afraid to use it. Kudos!

 

A great guy will come along and you won't have to wonder what they think or feel, they will show you

 

Good job lady!

[all_cats_rgray]

My ex said...It's not me, it's you.

 

Who ducking cares.

[candie13]

I actually give a damn, that's why I've started this thread.

 

so if you really don't care... why the precious contribution here? Actions speak louder than words .

[all_cats_rgray]

I actually give a damn, that's why I've started this thread.

 

so if you really don't care... why the precious contribution here? Actions speak louder than words .

 

This anger is no directed towards you.

 

My contribution im along the lines of, ALL relationships are a two way street and placing blame on either party is pointless. Because its not one person's fault.

 

I'm trying to point out you will go mad trying to nit pick why the relationship didn't work out.

 

At the beginning all I thought was

 

"It's me, if I had just been more this way, or if I had just done that"

 

Later on I thought it was all him.

 

"He is just like that, and he has these issues".

 

If I could just figure out who's fault it is, I could be a peace?

 

You never find peace of mind through these actions and thoughts. You just feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

 

No one person in the relationship can take the responsibility for it ending.

 

And in the end. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

 

Even if in the end you decide its all his fault. You still sit there wishing things where different.

[TaraMaiden]

This anger is no directed towards you.

 

My contribution im along the lines of, ALL relationships are a two way street and placing blame on either party is pointless. Because its not one person's fault.

 

I'm trying to point out you will go mad trying to nit pick why the relationship didn't work out.

 

At the beginning all I thought was

 

"It's me, if I had just been more this way, or if I had just done that"

 

Later on I thought it was all him.

 

"He is just like that, and he has these issues".

 

If I could just figure out who's fault it is, I could be a peace?

 

You never find peace of mind through these actions and thoughts. You just feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

 

No one person in the relationship can take the responsibility for it ending.

 

And in the end. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

 

Even if in the end you decide its all his fault. You still sit there wishing things where different.

 

You're mistaking 'fault' for 'responsibility.

 

Fault is most definitely very often one-sided.

 

'Responsibility - for the relationship - is equally divided. But responsibility for a relationship entails BOTH partners, working together, equally, to maintain, nurture and look after the relationship.

Again, if one member of the pair refuses to step up to the plate and do their half - the other person can do whatever they want, they can never compensate for the miscreant's reluctance to contribute.

 

So fault? Yup. Definitely his.

Responsibility?

They both own an equal share, but it looks as if frankly, he checked in his chips a while ago.

[candie13]

This anger is no directed towards you.

 

didn't realize you were mad, I thought you were one of those people pretending not to care about their relationship or the outcome of their relationship, and especially not about how and why they ended. While I agree that there's no point in beating a dead horse, a few things can be learnt from failed relationships and honest feedback from exs - assuming that this is possible - can help a lot, if one cares to grow personally and evolve emotionally.

 

My contribution im along the lines of, ALL relationships are a two way street

and placing blame on either party is pointless. Because its not one person's

fault.

 

Let's put it this way: it's not my fault for my partner's reaction, in face of uncertainty, but it is my fault if I stay in that relationship and I take shyte from him on constant basis. So while some tolerance in necessary... it takes time to understand the areas in which a person will never change and decide if to stay or to go.

 

I'm trying to point out you will go mad trying to nit pick why the relationship

didn't work out.

 

Oh, I know very well why this relationship didn't work out. My ex has a strong personality and has a lot of qualities, but he also has flaws. I always knew he was more self centered, but you can hardly have a guy who has a good head on his shoulder, the spunk to say it out loud and yet be totally selfless. It's not even that trait of character that bothered me. The extent to which he allowed that flaw to carve his life decisions, and more importantly, his lack of consideration towards me, my needs and what was important to me, that is what made me decide not to see him anymore.

 

 

At the beginning all I thought was "It's me, if I had just been more this way, or if I had just done that"

 

Later on I thought it was all him. "He is just like that, and he has these issues".

Oh, no, I know his issues and God only knows I have plenty of issues too. The trick is to watch them and not let them become insurmountable, in a relationship. Of course, that would imply thinking for two people, having a "relationship" way of thinking, which is something less comfy, for someone used to being on his own. Turns out he preferred to have his own way and not be bothered with my birthday / or his, btw... too bad that left him without a gf as well.

 

If I could just figure out who's fault it is, I could be a peace?

 

Hum, I got that one figured out. The only thing that irks me is not knowing why he preferred to lie straight to my face, not once, but several time... I guess it must have been more comfortable that way - maybe he thought he could get away with it or maybe he simply didn't think it wasn't worth the effort - me or the relationship.

 

You never find peace of mind through these actions and thoughts. You just

feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

 

No one person in the relationship can take the responsibility for it ending.

It depends on just how involved the two were in that relationship, how much they believed in a happy ending, each person's faults and contribution to the general degradation of it. While I believe your approach is very healthy, I admit to being an overthinker and analyzing my previous partner's reactions as well as my own and learning a lot from that. Most of the times, we all make the same mistakes - choose to ignore certain red flags. Looking back makes one understand - "ok, next time when a guy does this to me, instead of being fine with it, I'll just speak my mind freely, because it really bothers me and in the end, it may harm me."

 

And in the end. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

 

Even if in the end you decide its all his fault. You still sit there wishing

things where different.

 

For sure things are what they are and for sure regrets don't help or make any difference for that matter. This reminds me of a great Russian saying "most of the times, when people pray, they wish very very hard that adding two with two won't give four as a result" .

 

Don't I have regrets? for sure. He is a great guy. One of a kind. It's a really pity that he's unable to be straightforward, honest, that in the end, the only person he really cares about - or takes care, is himself. I sort of started to guess that...

[Grumpybutfun]

candie13-

I think you handled this situation quite well. We can only work on ourselves and do our part in any relationship so if he is unwilling or unable for whatever reason, then that is his onus. You can't wait for others to figure out their issues if you are seeking something more in life.

Good luck,

Grumps

[candie13]

To put it more simply, I chose this specific title for the thread, because most of the times, I'd get into those guilt trips, thinking it was my fault for having tolerated him or for having allowed this to happen.

 

While the relationship may have been more or less shaky, which is both our faults, the lying was his and his alone. And that is uncalled for, that is simply not fair. And in no way, am I responsible for his decision.

 

A lot of men fear the consequences of telling the truth, imagining the worst - their gf crying or making a scene or getting very upset. Well, they simply have to put on their big boys pants and deal with that when it comes, instead of listening to their fears and choose the easy way out.

 

I do feel a bit insulted, because I feel that I was given no chance to handle the truth - him not wanting to spend my birthday with him. I guess my next question would have been "why" and he really really hates talking about relationships.

 

I'm traveling this week and will only be back home next Monday. We have had huge fights - nothing this big, though, and he was always the one to talk me out of leaving him. I am very curious to see if my instinct was right and he won't even try to explain his action, just leaving it dead.

[candie13]

hey, guys

 

quick update: I've been very good, NC going strong. He contacted me before my interview - texted to encourage me. I did not reply back.

 

I'm away, seeing my parents and tonight was our last night together. I see my parents rarely, so I didn't check my phone. A few moments ago, I noticed a missed call from him.

 

My question is the following: I've left him over IM, and it ended pretty poorly. I feel like a kid, ducking his calls and not answering him.

 

I don't really know what to do, because I don't feel like texting him either. I can continue with NC, but I sort of feel that breaking up on IM is inconsiderate. But then, so is over the phone... shall I answer the phone if he calls again? I did not change my mind about the break up, since one week ago. Incidentally, he also ruined my birthday... not even bitter, only very sorry for having missed what looked like a great chance at having something special together. His own doing, not mine.

 

anyway, question: shall I respond to his calls and break up properly over the phone or in person? suggestions?

[It's Just Me]

hey, guys

shall I answer the phone if he calls again?

 

He showed you no consideration for your birthday or for anything else, and suggested you get therapy (treatment). Why do you feel the need to be courteous?

 

Je dirais que la réponse est très claire.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah. What ^^^she^^^ said.