bilatong Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 People have different MO's when it comes to dating. Some like to casual date an see where it goes while keeping their options open and seeing others others like to focus on one thing at a time (doesn't necessarily mean exclusivity or commitment btw). Nothing wrong with either approach if all are on the same page or don't mind. With one at a time it's easy so my question is really around casual dating and keeping options open and by casual dating I don't mean FWB just basically seeing how it goes, getting to know each other but also dating others. 1. So do you guys think you ALWAYS have to disclose to the other person that you are seeing others and anything else is considered stringing along especially if the person is leaning more towards another date? Or do you just take non disclosure as yes dating others? 2. If the person says they aren't ready for a relationship, want to see how it goes ie. take it slow because they just came out of a relationship where they were burned would you then also presume that they are dating others or not? It's safe to say they aren't wanting anything serious so by that I guess it's safe to say that they are dating others? What do you think?
salparadise Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 1. So do you guys think you ALWAYS have to disclose to the other person that you are seeing others and anything else is considered stringing along especially if the person is leaning more towards another date? Or do you just take non disclosure as yes dating others? You're not obliged to disclose anything early on. All dating is casual at first –because what you're doing is trying to figure out if there is mutual interest. It's a test drive so to speak, for both. You aren't exclusive unless you have the talk and agree to be. Some people prefer to focus on one at a time, and that's ok too, but they shouldn't expect that from anyone else just because they went on a date. 2. If the person says they aren't ready for a relationship, want to see how it goes ie. take it slow because they just came out of a relationship where they were burned would you then also presume that they are dating others or not? It's safe to say they aren't wanting anything serious so by that I guess it's safe to say that they are dating others? What do you think? Yes.
Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Sometimes I have the conversation and sometimes I don't. As a man, I'd be willing to bet most times, once a woman and I start sleeping together, that she is not talking to other people or interested in talking with other people just yet...not true for all women, but that is how I'd imagine most women (at least the type I go for) are. As a woman though, you'd probably have to be more careful...I'm someone who won't be sleeping with someone and still trying to find someone else to date, but I'd imagine not all guys are quite like me that way so women might have to be more careful and to bring it up. 1
RedRobin Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 (edited) In my book, it is ok to date/see other people if sex isn't involved. That is part of getting to know each other. Unfortunately, what that means for most guys is that they are having sex with multiple women, or trying to. So, I don't make a habit of dating strangers or whose relationship style and goals I can't independently confirm. I know this doesn't answer your question... So I'll try again... ... if you are doing the typical OLD/Meetup circus, you pretty much can do whatever you want and lie about it. If you need tips on how to be a good liar, just stick around LS for awhile... Many women don't give a cr*p and are too insecure or desperate to kick your butt to the curb for that behavior, so no worries. Just don't put anything in writing and use lots of innocuous phrases and mumbo jumbo while you shop around. That's sure to help you develop intimacy and a quality relationship someday. (sarcasm) Edited June 10, 2013 by RedRobin 1
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 As a European for us multi-dating is unusual and it's the consequence of OLD. I suppose if I was into OLD I'd expect it but in 'real life' I don't. I would certainly expect to know though would likely to walk. I don't compete 3
Phoebe Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 As a European for us multi-dating is unusual and it's the consequence of OLD. I suppose if I was into OLD I'd expect it but in 'real life' I don't. I would certainly expect to know though would likely to walk. I don't compete I'm not sure that multi-dating is a consequence of OLD but I was surprised how much it seems like the norm now. Maybe I'm just weird but to me it would feel like I was being disrespectful by dating multiple people at once (even without sex). One thing that LS has shown me is that if I ever got back into the dating pool again I would need to make sure that people understood my stance on multi-dating and not just assume they feel the same way. But then I suppose that applies to a whole range of topics as well.
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I'm not sure that multi-dating is a consequence of OLD but I was surprised how much it seems like the norm now. Maybe I'm just weird but to me it would feel like I was being disrespectful by dating multiple people at once (even without sex). One thing that LS has shown me is that if I ever got back into the dating pool again I would need to make sure that people understood my stance on multi-dating and not just assume they feel the same way. But then I suppose that applies to a whole range of topics as well. In the UK it is, I can't comment on the US
Phoebe Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 In the UK it is, I can't comment on the US I'm a Brit, been living in the US for the past 7 years but I suppose I've done most of my dating in the US. Honestly I don't think that I've dated enough different people either online or in real life to come to my own conclusions one way or another. One part of me thinks that multi-dating could be the result of what seems to be more of a hook-up culture that we have now than before. Then another part thinks are we really in a hook-up culture, or are things the same as they always were but there's more attention on it? Generally I don't know. On a personal level though I would want to know if someone was dating other people at the same time as me, I wouldn't like it and like you I would walk away. I do think that people should tell others if they are multi-dating, I think they have a right to know. For the second question that OP posed I don't think that people should assume that just because someone says that they want to take something slow and not get too serious that they are dating other people. To me multi-dating just seems like a huge headache.
Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 In the UK it is, I can't comment on the US OLD only makes multidating easier to achieve, it can still happen through meeting people offline, but it is so much easier to achieve online because you can send a bunch of messages and start talking with 3 or 4 people at the same time
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 On a personal level though I would want to know if someone was dating other people at the same time as me, I wouldn't like it and like you I would walk away. I do think that people should tell others if they are multi-dating, I think they have a right to know. For the second question that OP posed I don't think that people should assume that just because someone says that they want to take something slow and not get too serious that they are dating other people. To me multi-dating just seems like a huge headache. I dislike the paranoia aspect of it too and the idea that you should compete with others for someone's affections. After all these years on LS I'm still amazed how people are ok with kissing someone who is probably seeing someone else too let alone having sex with them All this 'all your eggs in one basket' nonsense, like another Brit said a while ago (paraphrasing): if multidating was so effective, those multi-daters wouldn't be back on the market constantly. Treating people like convenience? 4
RedRobin Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 (edited) I dislike the paranoia aspect of it too and the idea that you should compete with others for someone's affections. After all these years on LS I'm still amazed how people are ok with kissing someone who is probably seeing someone else too let alone having sex with them All this 'all your eggs in one basket' nonsense, like another Brit said a while ago (paraphrasing): if multidating was so effective, those multi-daters wouldn't be back on the market constantly. Treating people like convenience? Ditto........ I just applied for a job in Cambridge with a company I've had my eye on for awhile. Cross my fingers it comes through. Would be nice to be in a culture that hasn't embraced the multi-dating phenomena.... Edited June 10, 2013 by RedRobin
Author bilatong Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 I lean more towards red robin, emilia and phoebe's views but have to add that i can see where salparadise is coming from. Personally, I would want to know early on if not in the beginning if someone was dating others though i get that the other person isn't obliged to tell. I would think i would walk in that situation (sex or no sex); not being told I think would take away your right to make an informed choice about whether you even want to start/continue getting to know/date this person. I think people who hold back on this information for the most part know that if they do disclose the other person would potentially/likely walk. In this case it then becomes unequal in that its more about one party protecting their interests and intentions by not telling the other person. I don't OLD but furthermore, i think multi dating only encourages more game playing for eg. you are dating 2 or 3 people at the the same time, naturally overtime you will develop a preference however, till you do determine who you truly like you will effectively potentially be getting the hopes up of the other 2 only to disappoint later on once you focus on your preferred choice be it by fade out or whatever method you use to pull back. Invariably those 2 will be left confused, hurt, angry at being strung along etc. i also think multi dating can encourage a little selfishness on the the part of the multi dater because it ultimately becomes only about what you want and less about the other person and their emotions ie. less consideration for both parties as a whole. I don't think this mind set helps relationships which are in my view a partnership and about the unit rather than the individual; i think this approach lends to the 'grass is greener on the other side/can i get better' mindset when you do eventually end up in a relationship. However, at the end of the day I'm willing to bet that no multi dater is going to NOT feel awkward or uncomfortable if they were caught by one of their dates out on another date with another person (in the case where they hadn't disclosed they were seeing others) If there's nothing wrong why the awkwardness? assuming you aren't a player. At the end of the day that's just my view, to each their own. i guess phoebe's point was a great one about stating your stance from the get go particularly if you're a one person at a time type. 2
Fondue Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 What is the most accepted definition of multi-dating? I get the sense that everyone views it in completely different ways. Some go as far as to say that talking to multiple men/women is multi-dating, others say that going out on hangouts with multiple men/women is multi-dating, others consider sexual behavior with multiple men/women as multi-dating. Which one is it? When I meet a woman, I am always under the assumption she is communicating with at least a handful of other men, hanging out with about 50% of them, and sleeping with at least one. I just makes sense to me. I am not at all bothered by this, and I accept it. I choose and speak to multiple women, go out with a couple, and engage in mutually beneficial consensual sex as the opportunity arises. I wouldn't get jealous if I knew she was going out with someone else. If exclusivity is not established, then both parties are free to do what they please, as long as they're safe about it. I always make the same joke with the lady friends, "just don't bring back herpes!" The women that I meet respect me much more for not being jealous, controlling, or overbearing about these issues. I actually find that they like me more when I give them complete freedom. I also expect the same in return. As far as letting them know about my behavior... I don't flaunt it or just say that information. But what if they ask, I am completely honest. I am honest in that I'm hanging out with other girls, and maybe even sleeping with someone else. I haven't run into a problem yet. In fact, a girl found it "hot" that I was with someone else the night before. I think as long as there is mutual respect and appreciation for one another, you can still develop feelings for a single person, regardless of whom else you date. You know what else? You're going to want to stop dating the other people. The girl I am seeing now, I have stopped pretty much all contact with every other woman I met, and I def. keep women out of my bedroom. There's just a single girl on my mind, and I love spending time with her. SHe feels the same. I don't know if she might be seeing someone else beside me, but I don't care. WE didn't establish exclusivity, so we're still free to do what we want. But I'm 95% sure we're just each other's by now. Both of us started with multi-dating, but here we are. It worked out well so far .
Author bilatong Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Fondue, you've made reasonable points, as I said to each their own and I'm glad its worked out for you. What I would like to say though is that not wanting to be involved in a multi dating scenario is not necessarily about the other person being jealous or controlling. Its simply about what the person is comfortable with and their preferences and there's nothing wrong with that. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Fondue, you've made reasonable points, as I said to each their own and I'm glad its worked out for you. What I would like to say though is that not wanting to be involved in a multi dating scenario is not necessarily about the other person being jealous or controlling. Its simply about what the person is comfortable with and their preferences and there's nothing wrong with that. Totally agree....when i start dating again i would let the guy know that i will be only dating him.......not because i expect him to do the same or control or jealousy aspect...im not a jealous person...i just dont want to be in that situation.....or put a guy in that situationb... because that's how i date...i would let him know why..... i like to get to know someone without thinking about someone else....playing the comparison game..........i find it a bit icky to think though someone i was dating is sizing me up against someone else... and swapping saliva with someone else just ugh......would make me feel a bit awkward.....so in reality i am better not dating a multi dater ...better dating someone with the same ideals i have....deb
Author bilatong Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 So for the multi daters, if you don't disclose because it's early days etc. what would you do if you bumped into one of your dates whilst out on another? Pretend you don't know them and explain later or put it down to bad luck and just see that as a missed opportunity? Would you also ever admit to it having been you they saw and taking your chances if they walk? Surely, then you could potentially miss out on very good if not ideal opportunities or that's the gamble with this approach?
dasein Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 There is no such thing as "multidating," in the U.S. anyway, only "dating." "Multidating" is a biased term invented by people who seek to force their personal norm and subjective ideas on the current objective social norm. That norm in the U.S. currently, in every area I've ever dated, is that "presumed exclusivity" is not a reasonable assumption to make, and if one wants to date only one person at a time and expects that from their dates, it's on -them- to get that out early, not on every other person to have to say whether or not they may have dated someone else last week or last night. OP disclose as you like in accordance with your desires, but if you are dating in the U.S., there's no general ethical responsibility for you to do so. 2
RedRobin Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 OP, if you wish to avoid people who are doing a lot of 'multi-dating' (past the first few dates that is), my advice is simply to avoid people who don't volunteer their dating style and preferences up front. If they offer sort of mamby-pamby explanations and are vague about it, then you probably have your answer. If they don't volunteer, it is likely they have something to hide and will string things along with you as long as possible. You'll see that a lot on LS. Not that all of them will necessarily be honest about whether they are seeing others... but then it is on them for being dishonest. Anyway, anyone who has been dating for even a little while knows what the term 'multi-dating' is... and has an opinion on it... because it usually means they are having sex with multiple people too. If they can't be upfront about that, then they aren't likely to be upfront about A WHOLE LOT of other things...
Geiss Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Isn't multi dating the same thing as serial dating? It's never been a problem for me because it's hard enough for me to just get one date let alone two. So I don't really get it why you need to date a ton of people at once. I didn't like it though when I found out the girl I went out with was dating a different guy every night. So for me it's never really crossed my mind to date multiple women at once. 1
BluEyeL Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 It is recommended to "multidate", so to keep your expectations/emotions in check and not get over worried over one person. For me, personally, that idea worked well when nothing seemed to really "click" with someone in particular. I've been on two first dates on the same day for example. But this stopped working once I found someone I really "clicked" with. The idea of dating others became like a chore I really don't want to do despite everything I read and I'm told, and I'd have to really really force myself to do. I get the point of not getting over attached, but on the other hand, it FEELS like a complete waste on time (mine and potential dates' time) to go on first dates with people you're not really interested in, while you still think of your crush 24/7. And why lose focus and decrease the intensity of your desires and feelings? It's part of the fun. My view here is, OK, maybe you crush your hopes and suffer if the relationship with the one you really like (and especially if they seem to like you back too) falls through, but I think that's a risk that I'm rather willing to take. I'd fall, hurt, suffer, get up, and start the multidating of people I am not 100% interested in, until I click with someone again and stop dating others. 2
thecrucible Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I do multi-date in the sense that I use online dating and choose to talk with several men at a time. But as for genuine dates, if I get to really like someone, I would rather just go on dates with him until I figure out whether a relationship with that person is possible. It's a good idea to talk to several men at once though because it makes you aware of how good a connection you have with each guy. I don't compare them against each other though. With some people, it's pretty easy to run out of things to talk about after you get past the basic questions. If it seems to me that we've run out of things to talk about, then I'll nip it in the bud. And if it seems that the guy isn't in the right place to date, or he seems a bit down on himself then I have to opt out. It can take a bit time talking to someone before you figure out whether it's a friend or relationship vibe you get from them. For me, shared interests are pretty important because you need something to talk about when the spark is less intense later on. I like to take some time to get to know a person for that very reason. And it's not just that - you need to think about how you both approach relationships and life, where you're both heading in life and whether that would fit together.
BradJacobs Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 1. So do you guys think you ALWAYS have to disclose to the other person that you are seeing others and anything else is considered stringing along especially if the person is leaning more towards another date? Or do you just take non disclosure as yes dating others? Non-disclosure as a yes to dating others. I never bring up the subject and rarely have it brought up to me until we're both at a point that we want it to be exclusive. 2. If the person says they aren't ready for a relationship, want to see how it goes ie. take it slow because they just came out of a relationship where they were burned would you then also presume that they are dating others or not? It's safe to say they aren't wanting anything serious so by that I guess it's safe to say that they are dating others? What do you think? Slow can be defined in so many ways that I'd want her to answer what she means by slow first before I even decided to date her. I've had the answers range from rules on how often they will make themselves available to abstinence to just wanting a FB/FWB until they felt emotionally ready. If you've had a date tell you this in the past, it's not something to be overlooked.
fishtaco Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Dating in general is different at different places. I've only dated in the Los Angeles area where it is unforgiving and cut-throat. I've read/heard that in Europe, people don't multidate, but I've also heard that they tend to "go dutch" on the first date, which to me, seems more fair. But that's not the culture here in Los Angeles, where the man has to pay upfront even though for a date to happen, the interest level/risks should be equal for both sides. But I do what I have to do, because that's the dating culture here. As for multidating, that's very common here. I learned to multidate from the women I've dated. Not everyone multidates, it works for some people and doesn't work for others, but it's not uncommon here. I realized that not multidating here in Los Angeles is a severe disadvantage, and it just so happened that I'm okay with multidating after I tried it, I've decided that would be my approach, which basically falls in line with what most people are doing. As far as disclosing information, you don't do it voluntarily. That's just creepy. Imagine on a first date and you're just checking things out, suddenly all this serious stuff comes out... um... no... chill out, it's only the first date. We haven't even kissed yet. Disclosure happens when one side has decided they want exclusivity. You don't get to go around and ask all these invasive questions, then go... oh, well, just kidding, actually I wasn't really interested. So based on my Los Angeles experience, I agree 100% with daesin... you can't just automatically assume exclusivity, then blame it on the other person when thing don't go your way. If it's imporant to you, you ask.
Author bilatong Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 So for the multi daters, if you don't disclose because it's early days etc. what would you do if you bumped into one of your dates whilst out on another? Pretend you don't know them and explain later or put it down to bad luck and just see that as a missed opportunity? Would you also ever admit to it having been you they saw and taking your chances if they walk? Surely, then you could potentially miss out on very good if not ideal opportunities or that's the gamble with this approach? I guess what i was trying to get at here was that what if you are still getting to know the person and fair enough they haven't disclosed they multidate and you haven't asked BUT you then bump into them while they are on another date so the fact that they are multidating is prematurely disclosed so to speak. What would your reaction be? Question for both parties.
SJC2008 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Unless I'm exclusive with a woman I don't think I have the right to tell her not to sleep with other men. OTOH I don't want to date a woman who sleeps with more than one person at a time so where does that leave me? Given the "times" we're in I think it's better to keep my mouth shut and wait for exclusivity. Any talk of such matters seems to put pressure on them even though I don't think it should.
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