swedeace Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 I met this friend at my job this past mid-July 2004. I work at a community college's nine computer lab facility. He's a student who has taken computer classes. I told him I was going to Sweden in about 1.5 weeks from that time, and he became wide-eyed and interested. He then told me he works in a photo lab and wanted to develop my photos upon returning. I returned and got my photos developed by him. He gave me a discount because there were so many of them, and I was touched. He didn't have to do that, but he did. There were times where he's hugged me as greetings. And he's told me he likes Ace of Base like I do and wanted me to make him a CD of their music, and I did. He loves that kind of music.... Cool! The rest of the weeks, it was the college semester's, so I didn't get to see him around. At this point, we hadn't traded phone numbers but only kept in touch via email. I'd send an email and got a response but didn't get another reply after I'd reply. So I regarded it as "not enough time." However, does it really take that much teeth-pulling for a short other email? I would ask for his phone number various times so we can chat or hang out with no response. In early September, I decided to just visit him at work again and took some more film to be developed, as an excuse to see him. I saw him, and he went up to me and gave me a huge hug and said, "Good to see you!" We talked a few minutes, and I found out he's taking classes in my building but were times where I either wasn't around or was in another building. He goes in early to do homework, so it's HIS time to work on homework. I finally asked him again for his number and gave it to me. The next day I saw him around, and he gave me my developed photos and said they were "on the house." I insisted to pay but he refused to let me. I've seen him around an adjacent computer lab (where I don't work in), and I have visited him several times while he was working on homework. I've asked him several times if he wanted to take a little break so we can chit-chat. We haven't been able to chit-chat in serious since that week before I went to Sweden on vacation, so I missed that. It was quite nice and natural. Now, he's said he'll call me back when I called him back when he was firends at a bar and nothing. He said he'll email me since last week and nothing. Is it my imagination, or is there very little effort put into this friendship? I think so... A friend of mine told me it's a "guy thing." Who knows.... I failed to mention only one *tiny* detail throughout my story, but I purposely left it out. Whenever I have explained this situation to others while leaving the small detail in, their minds seem to skew and their views depend on this detail which isn't the foundation for my situational problem. Therefore, I'll just leave it out this time to get others' opinions in a neutral format. So, can anyone provide insight or clues as to what may be happening? Or, has anyone experienced a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?
Barby Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Is that small detail 1) he has a GF 2) he and you were intimate and that's why he hasn't had much to do with you since? Okay I'm just throwing things out here, most people like to know the whole situation before giving advice but my 2 cents is he thinks you're a nice girl but maybe just isn't into you like you are him. Maybe he likes you as a friend and hasn't been as "into" keeping in touch with you for fear of leading u on.
swedeace Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Thanks for your reply, Barby. Yeah, I guess I'd better fill in the small detail which is surprisingly none of the ones you've listed. I see what you mean... there's just one safe assumption: he's gay. That's why I *know* there will never be anything, and I wouldn't *even* wanna try. It's a long story of how we became friends. I have always valued friendships above anything else, so when HE proposed the friendship to me at the college where I work (where's he's a student), I was thrilled. It was nice to know to have a friend. Now with this lack of motivation of time and energy makes me scratch my head. Maybe I'm just being too persistent since he is also very busy with work and school? And no, this is NOT about romance. Not one bit... Not before, not now, or not never.... It's ONLY the focus on our friendship. What does it signify and do I just wait for his correspondence?
Barby Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 OOPs well then ignore my reply Just let him contact you when he's ready, maybe he's really busy with school work!
supermom Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Does he know that you know he's gay? Reason I ask is that maybe he is trying not to lead you on w/o actually stating "hey I'm gay" type of response. Just an idea
swedeace Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by supermom Does he know that you know he's gay? Reason I ask is that maybe he is trying not to lead you on w/o actually stating "hey I'm gay" type of response. Just an idea Yes, he is the one who told me upfront he is gay since day one. What would be your advice? Barby: Thanks... Yeah, I'll have to wait patiently, I guess. His birthday is coming up in 11 days, so should I try to invite him out to celebrate his birthday or just send him a card in person or email him a birthday wish?
swedeace Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 How can you tell whether someone you come across as being a friend or an acquiantance? Even if you talk with them and get along well with them? What makes that transition from acquiantance to a friend? Do all acquiantances with enough contact become a friend? Such as when you meet people in school, at work, or elsewhere... if you invite them to an outing, do they ALWAYS accept? If not, do you further inviting them, or do you wait until some time passes before inviting them somwhere? Or, do you just leave them alone after the first turndown for an invitation?
BurningBright Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 I consider an acquaintance someone who I had a good rapport with; however, have only known for a short period of time. (I.e. met this person through a friend, etc... and are able to say "Hi, how are you", although are not yet close enough to be able call them up and say "hey, want to go shopping?") It does take time to develop a friendship. I'm sure there is some individuals out there who have only spent a few short moments with a person, although consider this person their friend. For me, you have to gain my trust. I have to get that friend vibe. I want to know that I would have a great time with you, and be able to tell you my secrets, etc. That is why for me, you can go from an acquaintance to a friend... although it will take time. ~BurningBright
fiatflux Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 well, it may be that he is an introvert; somewhat of a "loner." I am the same way -- I also don't keep up my end on correspondence (email or otherwise). It's probably just his personality. If you value his friendship, you'll just have to stop expecting him to return things in kind. When the opportunity presents itself, he does reciprocate in his own way...but he needs prompting (like when you came in to see him at his job)---that's the way he shows you his fondness for you.
swedeace Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 Originally posted by fiatflux well, it may be that he is an introvert; somewhat of a "loner." I am the same way -- I also don't keep up my end on correspondence (email or otherwise). It's probably just his personality. If you value his friendship, you'll just have to stop expecting him to return things in kind. When the opportunity presents itself, he does reciprocate in his own way...but he needs prompting (like when you came in to see him at his job)---that's the way he shows you his fondness for you. Hmmm... you have a very good point, FiatFlux. I didn't look at it that way the he may just be shy. I wonder how he has initiated/continued pursuing his other friendships? Onto his upcoming birthday in one week - apprehensive feelings kick in trying to make this "perfect"!! His birthday is next Tuesday, and I am curious about how to acknowledge it. -A simple email greeting? -A birthday card and hand it personally to him? -Just bypassing it and pretend I don't remember it. What would be most appropriate in this situation on unsure friendship but - at the same time - wanting to thank him for the friendship offer?
swedeace Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 Thank you very much for your opinion, BurningBright!! Anyone else?
Angelpie Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 I personally would consider it the start of a friendship. Some people just are not much for phone or email conversation they prefer face to face conversation. I have a couple friends like that. I call or email them and get very little if any response but when I see them, we have great conversation and get along wonderfully. I just chalk it up to different personalities. As far as his birthday, I would say handle it the way you would handle anyone elses birthday. If you normally give a card, then just drop one off to him but don't be surprised if you don't get anything on your birthday. It is probably just the way he is. Anyway those are just my thoughts. Good luck!
swedeace Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 Angelpie: Thank you so much for wishing me luck!! Well, his birthday is this Tuesday, but he won't be at my college/work that day, so I will hand him the card tomorrow in a little over 25 hours from now. I already have his birthday card, but I just need to write a sincere "Thank you for offering friendship" note inside it and will offer him a lunch invitation. Knowing him, however, he will be quite humble and will tell me, "You don't have to do that." It's not a matter of "having to" but is a matter of "wanting to." I hope he will understand that. I see/understand what you mean about my birthday, but he doesn't know my birthday, so it won't bother me. I don't really like to celebrate my own birthday, but I love celebrating my friends' birthdays.
swedeace Posted October 23, 2004 Posted October 23, 2004 I caught up with him in the hallway after his class, and I wished him a happy birthday, handed him the birthday card and asked him, “Do you have a minute?” “Sure,” he said while we walked out of the office. I didn’t want to tell him about the “I consider you a friend” part while a co-worker was in the office, so we walked out and walked towards one of the exit door's direction where no one was around in that hallway. I then proceeded to begin by standing still while keeping an eye on his body language and his eyes. Eyes speak a lot, if I must say, so I have been noticing eyes a lot on people. “I consider you a friend. I would like to treat you for lunch for your birthday. Is that something you would like to do?” I said nearly trying to memorize and visualize how the order of those sentences was which may have made me feel like it was rehearsed. His body language was “normal.” He didn’t seem uncomfortable or didn’t say much in response to it. It was his normal laidback manner he portrays. “Oh, yes, I would like that, but I have been very, very busy, but keep in touch with me,” he said. I was satisfied. I wasn’t too excited about the “busy” part, of course, but I was quite content with gleeful hope, especially when he brought up the “keep in touch” part which seemed more hopeful and that he was serious. I then proceeded, “Okay, then I will keep in touch with you when you have time. So how have you been? Very busy, I see.” “Yeah, I’ve been so busy,” he said. All in all, I am not TOO excited (for the busy part), but I am glad I got to talk one-on-one with him and give him the card!! That I am happy about!! Now that I've accomplished all of this, I feel like I have nothing else to look forward until HE has time and contacts me.... it feels kinda empty now. I just have to wait and give patience, I guess. So, he is just a very-very busy person. He is just so nice, in general. I need to send you the text I sent him thanking him for the friendship offer. I wonder what his response would be. I also decided to send a “real” email later yesterday when I was home that had questions and stuff. I also forgot to bring up the survey was ready, so I brought that up. I reminded him this lunch is a treat for HIS birthday, so he should let me know when he has some time. I wonder what that response will be as well!! Hehehe!! So, what do you think of all of this??
swedeace Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 My goodness! What an embarrassing post and thread I have created.... Who was I kidding myself? I spent WAY too much time, energy and effort without realizing this was a choice THIS guy chose - to kindly let me down with his disinterest in getting to know me as a friend. I should've just let it go long ago. I hung onto for TOO long. Well, at least I am learning by taking baby steps thanks to this book I am currently reading. It's opened up my eyes a bit.
Marshbear Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 You can't push friendship . It's either there or it's not. I would put this guy in the acquaintance category.
swedeace Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Mashbear: I know. That is what I have realized. I was just placing so much high expectation in a reciprocation. I am learning (I'm not perfect, so I can't say I have 100% learned) how friendships can form.
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