Why don't my exes contact me?

[KansasChica]

I know I should consider myself lucky- that's what everyone says. It just stinks that I've gone through two pretty bad breakups in the past two years with guys I really clicked with. In both situations, they pursued me and both ended it. I was never crazy, never begged, and just let them go and in both cases they NEVER reached out to me.

 

In the first relationship, we dated close to a year and told each other we loved each other frequently, met each other's families, traveled together and practically lived together.

 

In the second, I took it much slower and wanted to get to know him better. We seemed to have so much in common, laughed all the time. I thought we were definitely headed on the right track to professing love, when he abruptly ended it and hasn't contacted at all. He told me he had feelings for me and loved being with me- he even felt our relationship was getting stronger, but something was off.

 

I'm just bummed because I feel like my self-esteem has totally been shot. In most other cases, when my friends have broken up, they still are in contact. Am I giving up too quickly? Should I try to reach out and fight for something? I just rarely click with people.

[Leigh 87]

I know it sucks. It is hard to forget about our ego for one second, and focus on US and stop caring about such silly things. After all, if we truly love ourselves, is there a way to just not care if our exes contact us again?

 

If I am being honest, I will be very upset if mine never contacts me again. It would mean I was right; he was not IN love with me at all, or enough in the end, to want to try to be with me badly enough.

 

It must feel like what you had, that felt SO strong for you at the time, must not have been as strong as you would have regarded it to me.

 

Love is uncertain; whether strong love will ever be revisited by all those who feel it.

 

One thing is certain, though: they have not contacted you again because they are over you.

 

They have moved on.

 

If they had enough love left and they wanted badly to re visit that love, that would have make it known.

 

They feel their lives are better without you in them, because they can then find a women that is a better match for them. If they haven't already.

 

I am so sorry to have to spell this out for you. I will likely have to deal with exactly what you're going through, when I only hear crickets from my ex.

[dreamliver7]

I know it sucks. It is hard to forget about our ego for one second, and focus on US and stop caring about such silly things. After all, if we truly love ourselves, is there a way to just not care if our exes contact us again?

 

If I am being honest, I will be very upset if mine never contacts me again. It would mean I was right; he was not IN love with me at all, or enough in the end, to want to try to be with me badly enough.

 

It must feel like what you had, that felt SO strong for you at the time, must not have been as strong as you would have regarded it to me.

 

Love is uncertain; whether strong love will ever be revisited by all those who feel it.

 

One thing is certain, though: they have not contacted you again because they are over you.

 

They have moved on.

 

If they had enough love left and they wanted badly to re visit that love, that would have make it known.

 

They feel their lives are better without you in them, because they can then find a women that is a better match for them. If they haven't already.

 

I am so sorry to have to spell this out for you. I will likely have to deal with exactly what you're going through, when I only hear crickets from my ex.

The hope that we keep about them returning is what is responsible for hurting us the most. They hurt us once whn they left us, but our mind hurts us again and again by thinking/obsessing and hoping. The people who left us don't deserve so much energy from us.

 

I have found spiritual literature available freely to be of great great help personally. I guess we need to individually figure out what works best for us and get ourselves out of the rut. We'll have to do that sooner or later... why waste our precious life on people who don't appreciate us any longer!

[Leigh 87]

I think only time heals.

 

Time, No Contact, throwing yourself into your own life and making yourself totally happy on your own. And letting go of hope.

 

For me, personally, I will only really let go of hope totally, after 2 or more months of No Contact. And them not reaching out to reconcile.

 

In the meanwhile, hope is not something that you need to let flourish. Even now, I am not exactly EXPECTING or WAITING on "the phone call". Really. Yet I still hope it happens, although I am can clearly see I WILL be okay if they do not make "that call".

 

Kansaschica - these guys simply have not made that call. Don't feel bad. very very very few men make that call.

 

Most of us move on and find another love. And become just as happy with the new guy.

 

Sure, the right person does not leave you (or they come back if they do).

 

It does not make it any easier to process. Knowing they are obviously not the right people. Since they left.

 

Sometimes you have it so in your head that, although they are not the right people, you were madly in love with them, and you THOUGHT they felt the same way.

 

Each day they do not contact you, should be another day that further confirms that they never will.

[dreamliver7]

I think only time heals.

 

Time, No Contact, throwing yourself into your own life and making yourself totally happy on your own. And letting go of hope.

 

For me, personally, I will only really let go of hope totally, after 2 or more months of No Contact. And them not reaching out to reconcile.

 

In the meanwhile, hope is not something that you need to let flourish. Even now, I am not exactly EXPECTING or WAITING on "the phone call". Really. Yet I still hope it happens, although I am can clearly see I WILL be okay if they do not make "that call".

 

Kansaschica - these guys simply have not made that call. Don't feel bad. very very very few men make that call.

 

Most of us move on and find another love. And become just as happy with the new guy.

 

Sure, the right person does not leave you (or they come back if they do).

 

It does not make it any easier to process. Knowing they are obviously not the right people. Since they left.

 

Sometimes you have it so in your head that, although they are not the right people, you were madly in love with them, and you THOUGHT they felt the same way.

 

Each day they do not contact you, should be another day that further confirms that they never will.

Leigh, don't you think if the reconciliation was to come it should come from the person who left? Breaking NC after working on it for 2 months for hopes of reconciliation beats the purpose in my opinion unless it was to be done for yourself to get some answers or closure.

 

If the person who leaves doesn't feel the need to be back and needs convincing from us, there is no guarantee that the voice within him/her would make him do it again in the future. It has to be self realization. Just my 2 cents!

[inaya42]

NC doesn't mean that they don't love you, that they never did, that they don't miss you, that they hate you, that they've forgotten you. not hearing from an ex means that the breakup was a definitive event. to lose contact with an ex demonstrates respect for the moving on process (coupled with fear of returning to the emotional disaster that constitutes every breakup), for both the dumper and the dumpee. please don't internalize NC from an ex in a way that revises the memory of what you had or that intensifies the sting of rejection.

 

also, if sufficient time has passed and you'd like to establish a purely platonic friendship with the ex, you can always say hi. (dumpers tend to believe that their ex who has managed to maintain NC for a long time hates them and later that they've just moved on...).

Edited June 10, 2013 by inaya42

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, don't you think if the reconciliation was to come it should come from the person who left? Breaking NC after working on it for 2 months for hopes of reconciliation beats the purpose in my opinion unless it was to be done for yourself to get some answers or closure.

 

If the person who leaves doesn't feel the need to be back and needs convincing from us, there is no guarantee that the voice within him/her would make him do it again in the future. It has to be self realization. Just my 2 cents!

 

 

 

I totally agree. Sorry about the misunderstanding, but HELL YES the dude who left needs to come back!!!

 

NEVER the dumpee.

 

I just wanted to clarify that this is what I really meant to say!

[KansasChica]

I know, you're all right. I guess, I feel some guilt because he told me that he never felt that I was open enough and that I gave it my all. I told him at the beginning that it sometimes took me a little while to open up, but I felt that I was really trying. I kept checking in with him, telling him that I loved it when he was affectionate, loved when he texted me nice things. I appreciated all he did for me. He said there were days when he wondered if he was going to hear from me, but I didn't want to seem overly clingy.

 

I think I always wondered if he was really in the relationship for the long-haul. I always had doubts, but I'm anxious by nature. I discovered this article:

Love Lessons: When You Can?t or Won?t Ask Questions of the Man You?re Dating/in a Relationship With (P1) | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

I remember asking him around the 3+ moth mark if we were together and he seemed almost taken aback- like he didn't see any doubt that we were together, but I still had my doubts. Now, I see that I was correct.

[amaysngrace]

I know I should consider myself lucky- that's what everyone says. It just stinks that I've gone through two pretty bad breakups in the past two years with guys I really clicked with. In both situations, they pursued me and both ended it. I was never crazy, never begged, and just let them go and in both cases they NEVER reached out to me.

 

In the first relationship, we dated close to a year and told each other we loved each other frequently, met each other's families, traveled together and practically lived together.

 

In the second, I took it much slower and wanted to get to know him better. We seemed to have so much in common, laughed all the time. I thought we were definitely headed on the right track to professing love, when he abruptly ended it and hasn't contacted at all. He told me he had feelings for me and loved being with me- he even felt our relationship was getting stronger, but something was off.

 

I'm just bummed because I feel like my self-esteem has totally been shot. In most other cases, when my friends have broken up, they still are in contact. Am I giving up too quickly? Should I try to reach out and fight for something? I just rarely click with people.

 

That sucks but maybe you're too reserved and it makes it hard to get to know you which can be misconstrued as disinterested.

 

If you feel a certain way about someone, they should know it too.

 

Did you make your feelings clearly known to him? It doesn't sound like it and like you were waiting for him to express his feelings before you took the leap to express your own.

 

Communication is the key to a good relationship. It's not too late to let him know what he means to you.

[KansasChica]

Yeah, I told him how much I liked him and that i believed that it was definitely moving in the right direction for me. He told me he still had feelings for me as well, but something seemed off. I told him I believed that that was just due to miscommunication, but he didn't seem to want to work on anything. He was just done and told me he wouldn't communicate with me for a little while. That's why I'm conflicted what to do. :/ I don't want to seem overly needy, but I did really really like him.

[amaysngrace]

Yeah, I told him how much I liked him and that i believed that it was definitely moving in the right direction for me. He told me he still had feelings for me as well, but something seemed off. I told him I believed that that was just due to miscommunication, but he didn't seem to want to work on anything. He was just done and told me he wouldn't communicate with me for a little while. That's why I'm conflicted what to do. :/ I don't want to seem overly needy, but I did really really like him.

 

Then let him walk and don't get in touch with him again.

 

If he said something is missing then you aren't suddenly going to gain a quality that he is looking for, whatever that something might be.

 

The good news is that if you've connected with a few guys then it means that you can connect with others as well. It's a big world.

[aloneinaz]

I wouldn't contact him. He's made his decision and the fact that he's not reaching out to you at all means he's over the relationship and has moved on.

As someone who's been a dumper in the past, when I ended it, it wasn't a spur of the moment, knee jerk reaction. There had been issues going on that let to the final decision. Only 1 of the three women that I ended it w/really chased me and it had no effect on the decision. I didn't change my mind. I also was impressed w/the other two's decipline though I never contacted them again. Ironically, years later I've run into these ex's and am friends with them on facebook.

 

I recently had my ex end our relationship. I'm continually reminding myself that I need to move on. She had broke up with me two times in the past and I approached her both times and we got back together. We even tried couple therapy but it wasn't meant to be. Rewinding the past two months of our relationship showed she's was probably checking out. The hardest part is to walk away the final time and knowing it's over for good.

 

with our history of breaking up and getting back together, it makes this even harder. I've been NC since we ended it and I'm fighting with my head to say "it's over, there's nothing left her to see". Approaching her yet again would bring nothing but additional pain and hurt. I'd be risking hearing her dump me a second time or tell me she's meet someone new or, or, or... I'll pass.

[Kay_29]

BE THANKFULL........... i just got out of a relationship a month ago and atleast twice a week since then, im getting a "i miss you " , "its not the same without you" text... calls to hang out one and the other.. But he broke up with me..... mind you i told him not to contact me.

 

They call when there lonely, egos, or pride of being able to have you on a string.. when they dont call its good cause they care and respect your feelings not to confuse you... its not a measure of who you are, they want you to move on and its easier this way.

[Jono85]

Yeah, I told him how much I liked him and that i believed that it was definitely moving in the right direction for me. He told me he still had feelings for me as well, but something seemed off. I told him I believed that that was just due to miscommunication, but he didn't seem to want to work on anything. He was just done and told me he wouldn't communicate with me for a little while. That's why I'm conflicted what to do. :/ I don't want to seem overly needy, but I did really really like him.

 

do not be conflicted on what to do. dumpers tell us all kinds of things for breaking up. you cannot honestly take it to heart. it doesn't sound like this guy really gave you a chance to work on any things he had problems with. my ex told me that i was too inconsistent and up and down, well that was true EARLY ON in the relationship, but for the last while i was fully open and in love with her and she knew it, so imo these were just excuses to relieve the guilt she had for not really being as attracted to me as she once was. for all i know it was the very fact that i became CONSISTENT with my feelings towards her, that actually pushed her away lol.

 

point is, do not take anything he said as facts. what's he supposed to say if the real reason is that he just started becoming attracted to other girls and didn't want to be stuck in a relationship anymore?? he doesn't want to come off like an *******, so he'll pull up some reasons that you might buy as to why the relationship isn't working out. trust me, i've been on both sides of this. when attraction is lost, or just not strong enough to feel motivated to keep in the relationship, very few ppl will actually say that, but it's pretty much always the reason. did those things he said maybe contribute to loss of attraction?? it's possible. but i think people who really want to make it work would bring these issues up and give their bf/gf opportunities to make things work.

 

if they don't and don't want any part of us anymore even when we've been clear it's not what we want, then we just got to suck it up, and move on best we can.

[will1988]

I know everyone on here has been giving you the easy answer and the whole pat on the back kind of thing.

 

As a guy I will give you the real answer.

 

When we, being the dumper or dumpee, are finally over an ex we move on. When we move on, especially if we find someone new, why would we contact our exes?

 

You said it yourself, the break ups were bad. That is why you are not hearing from them. They've moved on, and they do not see a place for you in their life.

 

I know that sounds harsh, but it is true.

 

If you dated someone and you went through a horrible break up and you moved on, and found someone else, would you honestly contact your ex?

 

Guys think differently then women do. The only time guys want to contact their ex, is if their relationship was long and they realized after they broke up what the messed up on and realize they want that person in their life again. Or the relationship just ended and emotions are still all over the map. and OR they are not satisified in their current relationship or state of singleness and they want a booty call. That is it.

 

Most, I'm not saying all, but I'm saying most... Most guys cannot be friends with their Exes. Especially after bad break ups.

 

Personally, I am a burnbridges kind of guy. When relationships end so does the friendship aspect... I cut the ex out of my life like a bad cancer. It was as if they never existed.

 

also, since both broke up with you and it was a bad break up... are you sure you didn't do something to cause it? espeically with them not talking to you after the fact? Maybe you were stalker clingy or supper insecure or needy?

[KansasChica]

Thanks all. I really am trying to stay positive and keep reminding myself that he never gave us a chance. I feel like from the beginning, he always had one foot out the door. I think he's a good guy, but doesn't know what he wants and at least he didn't string me along- he freed me to find someone who wants to be with me.

[KansasChica]

I know everyone on here has been giving you the easy answer and the whole pat on the back kind of thing.

 

As a guy I will give you the real answer.

 

When we, being the dumper or dumpee, are finally over an ex we move on. When we move on, especially if we find someone new, why would we contact our exes?

 

You said it yourself, the break ups were bad. That is why you are not hearing from them. They've moved on, and they do not see a place for you in their life.

 

I know that sounds harsh, but it is true.

 

If you dated someone and you went through a horrible break up and you moved on, and found someone else, would you honestly contact your ex?

 

Guys think differently then women do. The only time guys want to contact their ex, is if their relationship was long and they realized after they broke up what the messed up on and realize they want that person in their life again. Or the relationship just ended and emotions are still all over the map. and OR they are not satisified in their current relationship or state of singleness and they want a booty call. That is it.

 

Most, I'm not saying all, but I'm saying most... Most guys cannot be friends with their Exes. Especially after bad break ups.

 

Personally, I am a burnbridges kind of guy. When relationships end so does the friendship aspect... I cut the ex out of my life like a bad cancer. It was as if they never existed.

 

also, since both broke up with you and it was a bad break up... are you sure you didn't do something to cause it? espeically with them not talking to you after the fact? Maybe you were stalker clingy or supper insecure or needy?

 

Hey Will,

The first breakup was definitely bad. He had devalued me and there was a lot of blaming (by him), playing victim, etc. etc. I was very angry for a long time and things got messy. I also saw the incompatibility with us- I realized that it was best that we weren't together. But this latest breakup was very surprising. We're the same age and I thought looking for the same thing. When he ended it, I was very crushed and hurt, but I didn't beg or plead. There was no name-calling, no yelling. Some tears and a final hug and I let him go. That's why I'm just kind of saddened and hurt that he just doesn't want to see me at all. He's actively avoiding me.

[will1988]

Hey Will,

The first breakup was definitely bad. He had devalued me and there was a lot of blaming (by him), playing victim, etc. etc. I was very angry for a long time and things got messy. I also saw the incompatibility with us- I realized that it was best that we weren't together. But this latest breakup was very surprising. We're the same age and I thought looking for the same thing. When he ended it, I was very crushed and hurt, but I didn't beg or plead. There was no name-calling, no yelling. Some tears and a final hug and I let him go. That's why I'm just kind of saddened and hurt that he just doesn't want to see me at all. He's actively avoiding me.

 

Guys work differently than women... it sucks what he is putting you through. However, in his mind's eye he is over you and therefore over anything that was once related to you, including your one time friendship. The best thing you can do from here on out is try to forget him, but also try to forgive him. Once you forgive, you realize that heeling process quickins. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find that special guy who will treat you well.

[inaya42]

Guys work differently than women... it sucks what he is putting you through. However, in his mind's eye he is over you and therefore over anything that was once related to you, including your one time friendship. The best thing you can do from here on out is try to forget him, but also try to forgive him. Once you forgive, you realize that heeling process quickins. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find that special guy who will treat you well.

 

hmmm -- not sure i agree with this. people have different reasons for avoiding exes. and i am not sure that all of those differences simply come down to gender. when over an ex, lots of people (men and women) are able to be friendly, flirty even because there is no risk for them in being so... they're over it, so why not wave, smile, say hey? others are different...

 

kansaschica, there is just no way to know WHY your ex ignores you. the fact is that he does, and it is appropriate to ignore him back...

[Simon Phoenix]

Guys work differently than women... it sucks what he is putting you through. However, in his mind's eye he is over you and therefore over anything that was once related to you, including your one time friendship. The best thing you can do from here on out is try to forget him, but also try to forgive him. Once you forgive, you realize that heeling process quickins. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find that special guy who will treat you well.

 

I don't think it's as simple as a gender thing either. I know women who operate like you (in fact, depending on the thread you'll get men claiming that women dumpers are more likely to flip a switch and be permanently done than their man counterparts) and I know men who have done the breadcrumbs "let's be friends" stuff. Not sure gender plays nearly as much of a role as you think it does.

[Jono85]

I don't think it's as simple as a gender thing either. I know women who operate like you (in fact, depending on the thread you'll get men claiming that women dumpers are more likely to flip a switch and be permanently done than their man counterparts) and I know men who have done the breadcrumbs "let's be friends" stuff. Not sure gender plays nearly as much of a role as you think it does.

 

agree with both of the above posters. has nothing to do with gender. girls are just as likely to go NC cold turkey with someone they dumped. i know b/c both of my last 2 exes have done so. i've also heard quite the opposite from will's point above and that it's women are the ones that are completely done after they lose feelings for a guy, whereas guys are more inclined to go back to exes in the future if they realize the current girls just don't measure up like they thought. so yeah it has nothing to do with gender, and has everything to do with who the people are.

 

and there's no right or wrong imo either. i totally understand my exes not having contacted me, especially if/when they're seeing someone else. i respect them more for that. it sucks that things didn't work out and i couldn't be that guy, but the fact that they are focused on moving on and not letting an old relationship cause any drama in their present life is commendable. i'd want the same for my future girlfriend and her exes.

[jukeboxromeo]

agree with both of the above posters. has nothing to do with gender. girls are just as likely to go NC cold turkey with someone they dumped. i know b/c both of my last 2 exes have done so. i've also heard quite the opposite from will's point above and that it's women are the ones that are completely done after they lose feelings for a guy, whereas guys are more inclined to go back to exes in the future if they realize the current girls just don't measure up like they thought. so yeah it has nothing to do with gender, and has everything to do with who the people are.

 

and there's no right or wrong imo either. i totally understand my exes not having contacted me, especially if/when they're seeing someone else. i respect them more for that. it sucks that things didn't work out and i couldn't be that guy, but the fact that they are focused on moving on and not letting an old relationship cause any drama in their present life is commendable. i'd want the same for my future girlfriend and her exes.

 

I am with all of the above, especially the bolded. I had a girlfriend once who just told me she didn't feel the relationship anymore, she shed a few tears and moved on with her life. I'll give her this, though: She was kinda good at the break-up thing. She was nicknamed by her sister "The Man-eater" because she'd make guys fall for her and then get bored/tired/find something new. But I didn't grudge her for not contacting me, because all that would do is open up the same wound each time we talked.

[Eternal Sunshine]

yeah, this kind of bothers me too. My ex cut me out of his life like I never existed. He was the only ex to do that though. Out break up was really bad. I was angry and bitter about it for a long time. I broke NC a lot of times to tell him just how angry I was. I wanted him to feel bad, to ruin his day. I never contacted him to tell him that I missed him or anything remotely nice. In reality, I never missed him, I just wanted to let all the anger out. He eventually blocked me on FB, even though at that point I haven't contacted him for a few months. He treated me really badly though, bordering on emotional abuse. I still feel much anger and hate towards him. I genuinely hope he never finds anyone and stays miserable and alone for the rest of his life.

 

I am friends with all the other exs but those break ups were not nearly as bad and even though things didn't work out, they treated me in a respectful manner.

Edited June 10, 2013 by Eternal Sunshine

[KansasChica]

I guess I'll just never understand his motives. It wasn't a bad 4 months together- we never fought. I expressed to him that I sometimes felt neglected by him and that he didn't make me a priority and he said that he'd been single for so long that he just didn't know what he was doing.

 

It definitely seemed like he was struggling with his decision though, but stuck to his guns and left. I don't know if it's guilt that's causing him to avoid me, because I was visibly upset when he opted to just end it instead of working through things.

 

I know breakups suck. I've been through several, but I ultimately did not see this one coming. I sincerely thought he liked me enough to work through things- especially how he told his friends how much he liked me and his parents were dying to meet me (I did meet them).

 

I'm wondering if he wanted things to move faster- he mentioned that he thought we would've been "farther along" than where we were. I'm not sure what that meant. It's just frustrating. :/

[inaya42]

this sounds like a painful and confusing situation. i honestly think it could be one of two things: 1) you came into the relationship somewhat anxious and vulnerable at times, and he wasn't up for the emotional care-taking. (i have found that asking questions and complaining simply shows how much you like the person. but it does not actually inspire more transparent communication or better treatment.)

 

or 2) he broke up for reasons that are circumstantial or personal and that have very little to do with you. many people are very guarded by the time they hit their 30's and take a long time to bond with new people, so he may not have confided in you about what was going on with him.

 

i know that telling you to stop analyzing or internalizing his choice will not help you. you are hurt by this, and your brain is desperate for a narrative that it can make sense of -- a simple cause and effect that will allow you to accept and move forward. nonetheless, i must tell you that you are hurting yourself and diminishing your self-esteem even further by fixating on this man and this choice he has made. he is ignoring and avoiding you; you really have no choice but to do the same -- and to let go.

 

i'm sorry.