Dancing Shoes Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Hello everybody I am writing here for a friend of mine, I am hoping to gain some insight for her but I have no experience of these situations myself, just a bad feeling. I’m wondering if anybody can impart some wisdom or offer suggestions to make this all as smooth as possible for my friend, then maybe I can get her to read all this and make some better informed decisions. I know both people in this situation as we all work for the same company in differemt offices. Last September my friend met a man and they had a ONS at a work function, she had a long term bf at the time but they'd had some rough patches, OM was M to his childhood sweetheart for over 10 years and they have 2 children. After ONS they kept in touch daily and met regularly. At first he seemed distant (he slipped up and told me once when drunk she was clingy and needy) but after a few weeks they got very involved and it progressed quickly to ILY’s. They live in different towns several hours drive apart so she went to his when she could and they fell in love. Fast forward to Christmas and she had split up from her R and was so in love, she took him presents and some for his children and they met when they could before the holidays (children did not meet at this point, I do not know what happened with the presents although I did warn her it was a bad move getting the young ones involved). In between Christmas and NY he told his W he was unhappy in the M and moved in with his parents. My friend was very happy, and not long after he told his W he had met someone since the split and would not be going home. He moved into his own apartment space a few months back and they meet when they can. They are now an official couple. She has met his parents and his ex-W and the children have now met her as of a few weeks ago. Ex-W does not know there was an A prior to him leaving. He is mid 30's and she is 10 years younger than him and will want her own children one day. My concern is that he has tried this all before, he claims he has been honest with my friend about his past, but I think she has been sold a version of events that isn’t strictly true or rose tinted at best. He had an A prior, a three year physical turn emotional A that finished when the OW finally asked him to leave and make a decision and he said he couldn’t because of the kids and fear. As far as I am aware she has reconciled with her H and been in counselling and will not speak with the OM. All this ended exactly a year before my friend met OM and I believe he was very much ‘obsessed’ with this OW from what he and others have said for some time after the A ended, even when he first met my friend. That is definitely over however but although that was his only other true A he has had multiple ONS (he was looking for a ONS when they met) and was a serial flirt with other women (especially when he's had a drink), so much so that colleagues have had to tell him to calm it down in the past at some functions as it was embarrassing. Definitely one to call a 'player' over the last several years. I do not believe my friend knows quite the extent of it, in fact I’m not sure anybody does. He claims he has told her about all the OW but always with the justifications that he was not happy at home etc and with no soul searching done on his part it just seems accepted and swept under the rug. I even have been made aware on his bucks night he had a prostitute despite him being happy at the time. It seems like he just left his unhappy marriage and now he's starting over. Running away from his problems? Despite the fact he is seemingly happy with my friend, I have some doubts.I doubt you can move from a decade long M into a new serious R immediately as you don't have time to analyse what went wrong (esp because even in different towns they are talking non stop), and I have a niggle that he never dealt with the loss of ex OW although that is maybe less of a concern as he is very quick to avoid conversation of her if she is mentioned ever. He does seem very much in love with my friend and they talk constantly even though they live in other towns and spend time together when they can, which is fairly regularly, it seems very intense and very fast moving to me. My friend is moving in with him next year when she can be free from her apartment lease. The children also seem fine with everything and I think at least that has been handled OK. Is it possible that this man has really changed in such a short amount of time because of his love? Is it possible they really have found true love here and happily ever after? How can I help my friend make this work so she has a healthy R? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Author Dancing Shoes Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Sorry for typo error in title!!!!! It should say 'ADVICE needed'....
Author Dancing Shoes Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Thank you for taking the time to reply This is what I'm worried about. He does seem smitten but I think there's personality issues there.
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