Ordinaryday Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 when I first started asking girls out and trying to get dates I experienced something a lot more annoying and painful than outright rejection - flaking. I'd meet a girl either online or at a party, I would think we hit it off, and I would ask her out. The response I'd get would be something like "sounds awesome, love to go out" and we would arrange a time and date and then she would either simply never show up, cancel at the last minute or stop responding to me before the date was set in stone. I have been told by friends that this is quite common, particularly for people in their early 20s. Why do people do it? and the way they flaked was different, one girl who I thought I hit it off with, well I exchanged emails with her after meeting her at a party, and we exchanged a few emails where she agreed to go out with me and when I sent her another email to confirm the place she simply never responded - other girls have been worse, I get to the date location and they simply don't show up. Why would they do it? why not just ignore me to begin with if they are not feeling a connection? why bother taking the time to respond to an email/text/me in person and say "yes, I will go out with you" and then just never do it! this is why people warned me to NEVER get my hopes up when talking to a girl on a dating site, because they said that until you have had several IN PERSON dates you don't know a thing about them (other than the pre-screened, pre-selected choice info they sent you) and they could cancel at any moment - thus you should NEVER get your hopes up until you have at least met officially in person! has this happened to anyone else? why do people flake, what are the common reasons? has anyone here EVER FLAKED THEMSELVES - be honest - why did you do it?
Mr_Flay Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Heh, I know the feeling. Getting all excited and psyched up for the date, whistling a silly tune while ironing your favourite shirt two hours before the date, when a message suddenly comes: "I can't make it". Down goes your mood in an instant. I haven't met many flaky people, but the main reason they do it is because they aren't interested enough in you, I'm sorry to say. A person eager enough would come even if it rained axes from the sky, not bail out with stupid excuses, or – even more untactfully – not show up at all. Maybe they agreed because they wanted to avoid immediate confrontation and with mind to brush you off once they think of a good enough reason. Or they were interested in you at first, but after some reflection, they decided it would be unfair of them to lead you on because they just don't see you two together. Of course, barring genuine reasons for flaking, such as an ilness or extra hours at work, in which case your date would be really sorry and interested in setting another date in the very near future. 2
the_entertainer1 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 When I hear about girls flaking on dates like this, I am embarrassed to be a girl! I think it's terrible to treat people like that. If I 'agreed' to go on a date, and then changed my mind, I'd at least tell the guy. (I'm 24, so hopefully my experiences are relatable to what you're talking about). That actually happened to me once - it was an awkward situation; I was doing work experience and one of the permanent staff asked if I wanted to catch up for coffee after I'd finished my placement. I was so shocked I said yes, even though I had no intention of seeing him. He was at least 10 years older than me, and I wasn't attracted to him at all. I was inexperienced and didn't know how to say no without hurting his feelings, so I said yes. I ended up emailing him (that was our only form of communication) to say that I was really busy and thought it was unprofessional to catch up, or something like that. He replied, saying he'd got that vibe from me anyway, and not to feel bad. At least he was mature about it. Another thing you should be wary of - sometimes, people just flirt for fun. I try not to flirt with people (at parties or wherever) if I have no intention of it going further, but sometimes it is just fun. Finally, sometimes people just change their minds. Things come up, or they find people they like more. I don't condone the behaviour, but that's the truth.
Author Ordinaryday Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Heh, I know the feeling. Getting all excited and psyched up for the date, whistling a silly tune while ironing your favourite shirt two hours before the date, when a message suddenly comes: "I can't make it". Down goes your mood in an instant. I haven't met many flaky people, but the main reason they do it is because they aren't interested enough in you, I'm sorry to say. A person eager enough would come even if it rained axes from the sky, not bail out with stupid excuses, or – even more untactfully – not show up at all. Maybe they agreed because they wanted to avoid immediate confrontation and with mind to brush you off once they think of a good enough reason. Or they were interested in you at first, but after some reflection, they decided it would be unfair of them to lead you on because they just don't see you two together. Of course, barring genuine reasons for flaking, such as an ilness or extra hours at work, in which case your date would be really sorry and interested in setting another date in the very near future. I agree, it's just annoying. this one girl I hit it off with at a party, we were both studying similar things at university, we chatted for two whole hours and joked around and really hit it off - at the end of it she gave me her email and asked me to contact her - I did and we exchanged three emails and she really excitedly agreed to go out, and then she simply just never responded to my final email. I sent another one, a couple of days later, in case of the million to one chance the email somehow never "got through" (even though deep down I knew it did but I wanted to be SURE) and she ignored it as well. Shame, because simply ignoring me makes me think so little of her. I am aware she doesn't care anyway (hence why she blew me off) but if she had sent me a message saying something like "hey sorry, I was a little drunk that night so I was over-enthusiastic. I don't think it will work out. All the best with the future" I would have been annoyed but at least I would have respected her for being honest. but nope, not even that. dating can be a cruel game.
Lansing Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I registered just to respond to this thread. As a guy, this is a huge annoyance. I never just ignore a girl and not respond to her text or e-mail or phone call, even if I am not interested. Worse is when you have been talking to someone or even dating someone for a while and then they just disappear without any "sorry, this just isn't going to work for me" type message. I get frustrated at my female friends when they tell me stories about a guy they aren't interested in anymore texting them and how they just ignore his messages or maybe respond to the 3rd message instead of being upfront with the guy and telling them things aren't working for them. I have never had a girl not show up at a date but I can imagine that would really suck... I am getting to a point of giving up trying to even want to make new friends or meet new girls because it is getting frustrating when I feel like I am one who puts in the effort and girls are just flakely even when we get along well. Even some people who have been friends for 5+ years are just turning into really unreliable people. 3
CryForNoOne Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Wow! I've never had a woman straight stand me up. I thought that was a fairly uncommon. I found it to be MUCH MUCH more common for women to flake within the last 24-hours. It's probably happened to me 20 times on 100 first dates. I'd say half the time it is a legitimate excuse. It definitely happens more with younger women. It's obvious to me the reason. They aren't that interested AND are passive aggressive / non-confrontational. Many younger women just don't have their $h!t together and don't know how to be assertive or maybe even know what they want. Although, it's deflating, you dodged a bullet. I've rarely had women flake after the first date and if they do it's almost always a legit excuse. If I'm not that into them, I don't bother rescheduling. If I really like them, I reschedule ONCE but on my terms. Never allow yourself to become a doormat.
CulturallyConfused Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I registered just to respond to this thread. As a guy, this is a huge annoyance. I never just ignore a girl and not respond to her text or e-mail or phone call, even if I am not interested. Worse is when you have been talking to someone or even dating someone for a while and then they just disappear without any "sorry, this just isn't going to work for me" type message. I get frustrated at my female friends when they tell me stories about a guy they aren't interested in anymore texting them and how they just ignore his messages or maybe respond to the 3rd message instead of being upfront with the guy and telling them things aren't working for them. I have never had a girl not show up at a date but I can imagine that would really suck... I am getting to a point of giving up trying to even want to make new friends or meet new girls because it is getting frustrating when I feel like I am one who puts in the effort and girls are just flakely even when we get along well. Even some people who have been friends for 5+ years are just turning into really unreliable people. I think people are just more and more rude and indirect... no manners or honesty. 1
shexy Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I've never flaked on a date - if I made plans, I've always followed through, even if I wasn't all that excited about it. I wouldn't make plans and then just NOT show up or cancel just a few minutes before the date is supposed to start, that's just rude. BUT, I'm probably categorized in the 'older' age group out there in the dating world, so I don't know if that makes a difference or not. I will say though, that guys do it too, it's not just women that do it to guys.
Imajerk17 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) That does suck. The one thing that I can think of is why were you emailing instead of calling them or at least texting. Does seem to be a weak way to stay in touch. Still doesn't excuse the rudeness on their part though. Edited June 13, 2013 by Imajerk17
Lobouspo Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 TBH...this type of thing does not just happen in OLD or with young immature women. I always confirm via text when I make plans with someone, so the one time I don't I got flat stood up. This was with a woman I knew since we were in the 6th grade...Funny thing is, it wasn't even a "date" really. We just ran into each other by chance, and I wanted to catch up with her since I don't do Facebook.
todreaminblue Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I have flaked .......i am normally flake when i have unresolved feelings.......when my heart is elsewhere ...i flake because i dont want to actually go through with making someone like me more adn then have to let them down ......when i realize that i am not ready to date i flake.....i might feel pressured into accepting a date so as to not let soeoene down or to accept a date to make them happy(which is false logic)...i dont follow through..and i flake.........deb
jcm101 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 My rule of thumb: About 90% of the time it's because she's just not interested in you, but yes, sometimes things do come up. You know this if she sounds genuinely sorry AND tries to reschedule. No reschedule= Goodbye and move on. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 They do it because they are not that interested. I have done it, sorry to say. Not stand someone up but cancel few hours before. When I am into someone, I want to see them no matter what. I have gone to dates ill , canceled work for them, basically did anything it took. Also, when guys do it to me, I know that 99% of excuses are lies to I rarely give them another chance (this is in the early dating stages).
Anela Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Insecurity has been my number one reason, almost every time. I haven't stood anyone up. I've just held people at arm's length, and put off a few guys online. 1
thecrucible Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I have never stood a guy up because it would completely violate my principles. I have been stood up myself and it isn't pleasant. However, I have been known to be flaky in the past. I am never dishonest though and if asked directly what my feelings are, I will let the guy know. But I am BAD at nipping things in the bud and realising my disinterest early on. When I really think about this, I suppose I am flaky in the following ways: - If I get less sure of the guy or am indecisive about him, I might leave it some time before replying (something I regret doing now) but when I know I'm into him, I will be more consistent. - If not that into the guy, I will tell him that I need to talk to him further to figure out whether I'm into him. However I keep finding that when I do this, it's really that I'm not into him at all but haven't been sure of myself. - I have never flaked on a date once plans have been made. What harm can it do to go on the date? But if I did flake, it would be because I was more interested in another guy, and so it wouldn't be fair to keep him around as a second option, no matter how good he is. i.e. I've made my choice and do not want to treat a great guy as some safety net when he deserves more.
Anela Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I wouldn't if I didn't feel good enough for the other person, and would be rejected on sight, or as the date progressed. I wasn't up for it - I couldn't take it - and I also couldn't take the possibility of rejecting someone else. But I forgot: I'm supposed to think I'm wonderful, and judge a man by his car.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I have never flaked on anyone but I have been flaked on. Why do they do it? I think it's mostly because they are socially and emotionally illiterate and generally assume that it's going to be uncomfortable drama if they are open and direct. They may tell themselves they want to spare his feelings but what they don't seem to also keep up front is that they are sparing themselves and thus avoiding a maturing experience of finding out how things REALLY are. One thing, expect everyone you meet under the influence to "flake". People say and do things under the influence that they often regret when sober.
MrCastle Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Selflishness and immaturity. They think they are doing something noble by not confronting you and causing drama. What they are really doing is avoiding an adult conversation to spare themselves 30 seconds of feeling awkward. It's the all about me generation. My feelings come before yours. I don't care that I agreed to the date even though I wasn't all that into you. I don't care I waited an hour before our date to bail, or ignored your texts period. I can't be bothered to tell you I'm not into you, do you have any idea how awkward that would make me feel?
Philosopher Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 One question I have to the flakers. If you weren't interested in the person, why did you agree to go on the date or ask them out in the first place? If you were asked out by someone you were not that interested in, surely it would be easier and simpler to say you could not make the date for some reason right from the beginning.
Lansing Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Curious what people think of this article.. I know it is by a "pickup" guy but the general consensus is if a girl flakes on you (doesn't respond to your phone call/text) then move on... This post is saying differently Dating Advice for Men: When To Call... What To Say If She Flakes... How To Finally Handle It! What do people think of the girls "state",etc. I am not talking about asking out a co worker, etc. I am talking about maybe asking a girl out tha you met at a party, event, or other random spot.
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