tidalj Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Where to start... We were high school sweethearts who got married at 19. Seven years into our marriage, with a couple kids and a great life, I did the unthinkable and cheated. When the kids came around we had let intimacy and our connection go, and I found myself caught up at work with a troublemaker who made me feel wanted. Looking back now, I wasn't thinking about him -- or anyone else -- just me. He found out and things quickly fell apart. Eventually, we separated. He moved on right away, moving in with a female coworker. When I started a new relationship a few months later, he showed up at my door begging to start over. But I turned him away. From there we both kept toeing the reconciliation line, just never at the same time. Then he met someone new and pushed the divorce through. Six months after it was final, he remarried. A little over a year later, they had a child together. And they seem happy -- really happy. Meanwhile, I've spent these years running from emotions, starting relationships I should never have started, and generally fumbling my way through life. Recently it's gotten better, though. More real, at least. Reading, counseling, and a lot of talks with God have brought me to a place where I've finally acknowledged everything I did and everything I've lost, and the pain is bringing me to my knees. I don't know why it took me five years to get here, but I sure feel like a basketcase. A few nights ago his sister wrote "I miss you" in a message to me and I pretty much erupted into tears at those words. Memories have flooded back, and there's so much that I miss...so much I had stopped appreciating that I now see. And I'm ashamed of not fighting to make things better when I had the chance. I don't have a lot to complain about. I'm committed to being the best mom I can be, even if it is a single one. We have a really great co-parenting relationship. His wife is a caring stepmom. And I have absolutely no right to interfere in anything for them, so I won't ever bring these feelings to light. I'm so grateful that we can all be a part of activities with the kids, even if I do drive away in tears much of the time. So now I somehow need to get to a place where I can be genuinely happy for them and move on. So if anyone has advice on that, please lay it on me.
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