heartwrenched Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Was in a relationship for over a year, we broke up 4 months ago. We haven't seen each other in those 4 months, but we've had contact online, although he has been very strange about it. About a month in, he went NC on me without any explanation (blocking me online, stopped talking to me)--I was confused and lost, but it gave me the opportunity to sort of move on in a way. This is someone I love deeply, so it wasn't easy by any means. However, after a month of NC, he suddenly reached out to me again but only saying "hi" and nothing really more than that. I wasn't sure how to react, so I kept my distance. About three weeks after that happened, I finally sent him a letter asking him what was going on, asking why he had suddenly decided to reach out to me. His response was very jerkish, I think, acting like he was better than me, and evading the question entirely. I couldn't understand why someone who would act like this would even bother to break NC. About a week after that, he suddenly went NC on me again... and it's been that way since, for again, about 3 weeks now. I've been traveling for the past 3 months around the world and keeping a blog. I know that he reads that blog every day. I don't write with him in mind, but I sometimes write about my emotions while traveling so I know he has this inside window into my world without having to be in contact with me... which I feel sort of at odds with (I love keeping a public journal, I have a lot of readers besides him). I don't understand it. I want to understand it. He was the one to break up with me and not because of anything I did wrong. The problem is that it is keeping me from moving on. I told myself to not rush into anything with anyone else because it would just be a rebound, surely. But I can't even find myself attracted to other guys... and it's been a while now. And yet, if he were to come back to me and want to start things up again, I would be extremely hesitant. It feels like he's playing games with me from a distance. How do I start to let this go? We're already NC. I'm past the point of caring if he's dating other women. But I can't seem to let go of the confusion and feelings of love that I still have. Sometimes I feel fine, but for the past week or so, it's been hitting me suddenly very hard out of nowhere, to the point where I find myself crying... why, I don't know.
lop98 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Are you both NC or is it just him the one that's gone NC? because everyone does it on their own, being at his disposal, trusting that he will not contact you is basically being ON contact, he's just not contacting you at that moment and you have settled for the suspense of his decisions. You need to block just about every way for him to contact you, that way you'll stop expecting, and stop feeling confused, and stop crying and heal and think about other people. He may have been NC but in all these months, you haven't, that's why you are unable to move on. Cut all ways for him to contact you, if that means making your blog private or disabling it for a while, do it, it's for your own good. I was in the exact same limbo, confused, receiving "hellos" every two weeks (breadcrumbs), feeling tormented over what he meant by them until I finally applied both blocking and removing... and trust me, it hurt like a hammer was pounding on my head for the first days but I continued to go out, tried to have fun, meet new people and now, 4 months after it happened, I feel so much better, I can't remember the last time I cried for him (maybe about two weeks ago) and I was a wreck (lost so much weight just to give you an idea)... I went from operating at some 5% of who I used to be to maybe 75% at this moment. The feeling of love is still there, it will probably always be there, afterall I projected it all towards a person that doesn't really exist but I no longer "wonder" or waste my days away feeling confused or angry and wanting to figure out how he's feeling or thinking, the need for that disappeared.. As broken record as it may sound, go NC, implement just about anything to block him from getting on your way (even his IP address on your blog may make you keep track on whether he reads it everyday or not and that triggers hopes)... build a solid wall and heal, he's not worth it...
Author heartwrenched Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 It's just been him that is NC. I've been afraid to cut all points of communication because I guess I have been afraid that if I did, he'd get the wrong idea and plus it just seems so final if we both do it (I know that's supposed to be a good thing but it's scary definitely). I guess for him there hasn't been that finality because he knows he could just reach out to me whenever he wants. Our whole relationship was me chasing him around and him reaching out to me without giving anything is very much classic "us," only now, with time, I'm sort of viewing it in a different, less romantic light... it's no less depressing though. I've been living more since the breakup than I ever have in my life. It was a huge wake-up call for me to get my act together... these feeling are there, but I haven't let them control me in any way on a functional level. But I worry still that they're going to make my heart cold or that they will change how I look at love I'm starting to think though that it has less to do with him and more to do with myself. Logically, I know, as you said, that whatever I am projecting my love towards is just an illusion. Maybe the good moments, not at the big picture, not at the person who took me for granted. Thanks for the advice, it's probably what I needed to hear.
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