The Catch 22 of being into someone...

[xxoo]

Something to remember when you have anxiety is simply: it passes. Give it a day, and you'll feel differently. Instead of fighting it, let it wash over you, embrace it, and ride it out. It's ok to feel that way, and while it is unpleasant, it isn't "bad". Like you said, it means you are alive, and passionate, and you feel, and that's a huge strength!

[Star Gazer]

I care a lot more about what I think of myself than what other people do. It's how I'm wired.

 

You keep acting like I "care what people think about me" as though it has some impact on how I think about myself. Just not so.

 

If you don't give two sh*ts about whether romantic interest is returned, why bother being in a relationship?

[xxoo]

It's excitement, and hope. The day I put an offer on our home--my dream home--I could barely function or eat!

[Treasa]

This is from an older thread of yours:

 

"EVERY single time I start dating someone new, the moment that I think, "Hmm, I like this guy, I'd be bummed if I didn't see him again," a pretty intense anxiety sets in."

 

I understand the giddiness, but this is what has me concerned. Is there something that these certain men all share that gives you this kind of anxiety?

[amaysngrace]

You keep acting like I "care what people think about me" as though it has some impact on how I think about myself. Just not so.

 

If you don't give two sh*ts about whether romantic interest is returned, why bother being in a relationship?

 

You said wondering what they think leads to anxiety, not me.

 

Anyway if you're in a relationship with this guy then why did you date four other guys in three days? You aren't in a relationship Star. So your question above doesn't even apply to that.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter. People have offered you ways to deal with the initial uneasy feelings. You can openly receive it and maybe benefit from it or not. Your choice.

[tbf]

SG, something I've observed. Of course you can agree or disagree but it appears that anxiety is a recurring theme within your life, whether work or love, pretty much with anything that you feel strongly towards.

 

Might I suggest this, especially the bolded about fight or flight since understanding of how it happens might help:

 

Manage anxiety by managing your thoughts

 

Ultimately, learning to control your own thoughts and internal dialogue will help you combat recurring anxiety. “Anxiety usually stems from thoughts or perception about something,” says psychologist (candidate register) Chimène Jewer. She recommends cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) as a way of learning to modify negative thoughts. "People have dysfunctional thoughts about what they’re afraid of,” says Jewer, “and what happens is that the higher brain centres tell the lower brain centres to go into panic, eliciting a fight or flight response.” Part of CBT is learning how to look at your thoughts more objectively so they stop controlling you. Jewer says the technique also encourages gradual exposure to that which is causing the anxiety. “And that,” says Jewer, “helps people realize that it’s usually not worth being afraid of!”

 

Jewer also recommends learning basic relaxation techniques as a means of dealing with anxiety, including progressive muscle relaxation, which involves tensing and relaxing different muscle groups in sequence. “It makes you realize what your body feels like when it’s tense, and then what it feels like when it’s relaxed,” says Jewer.

 

Dealing with anxiety | Mental Health | Embrace Life | Best Health

[Casablanca]

You said wondering what they think leads to anxiety, not me.

Apples and oranges...I don't care what some random joe or joette thinks of me, but I do wonder and care what the person I'm talking too/seeing/dating thinks of me/us. Two different things

[Treasa]

SG, something I've observed. Of course you can agree or disagree but it appears that anxiety is a recurring theme within your life, whether work or love, pretty much with anything that you feel strongly towards.

 

Might I suggest this, especially the bolded about fight or flight since understanding of how it happens might help:

 

 

 

Dealing with anxiety | Mental Health | Embrace Life | Best Health

 

This. This is exactly what I'm always preaching. It changed my life completely.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't date "just for fun" or to "enjoy the ride." I don't see the point in that.

To me, this suggests you're not enjoying the experience of simply getting to know a man. Why would anybody want to get serious with a dating prospect who isn't enjoying getting to know them?

 

I think the two biggest vibes that come through your posts are anxiety and control. Both of those boil down to difficulty managing your worries and fears. I think these are the root problems you need to work on. No one can fix those problems but you. Other people can help - but you have to do the work.

 

I've become much braver and more fearless in my professional and personal life in the past year or two. It has changed my life, and in a sense freed me from the prison of my own worries - to the point where influential leaders in my area of business are meeting with me regularly and offering free business strategy advice, and a guy who completely blows me away as a person is seriously discussing marriage with me.

 

What's remarkable to me is that, while I'm slightly fearful about worst case scenarios - my business failing, things not working out with my man - I now recognize my nagging little fears for what they are - inconsequential worries that will most likely never come to be.

 

I've already come farther than I knew I could - all I had to do was get out of my own way.

[Star Gazer]

Something to remember when you have anxiety is simply: it passes. Give it a day, and you'll feel differently. Instead of fighting it, let it wash over you, embrace it, and ride it out. It's ok to feel that way, and while it is unpleasant, it isn't "bad". Like you said, it means you are alive, and passionate, and you feel, and that's a huge strength!

 

THANK YOU, this is helpful.

[Star Gazer]

SG, something I've observed. Of course you can agree or disagree but it appears that anxiety is a recurring theme within your life, whether work or love, pretty much with anything that you feel strongly towards.

 

Might I suggest this, especially the bolded about fight or flight since understanding of how it happens might help:

 

 

 

Dealing with anxiety | Mental Health | Embrace Life | Best Health

 

Yes, this is helpful. This is what my therapist has done with me when I've seen her.

 

And yes, you're right. I experience anxiety in all parts of my life that matter to me, whether that be my love life, work, finances, marathons, whatever.

 

It's helpful when someone actually pays attention to the person posting, as you have, and not painting them with a broad brush of negativity, as a couple others have.

[Star Gazer]

To me, this suggests you're not enjoying the experience of simply getting to know a man. Why would anybody want to get serious with a dating prospect who isn't enjoying getting to know them?

 

I didn't mean to suggest that I don't enjoy parts of the dating process, like getting to know a new person. I absolutely do!

 

What I said, in response to a very pointed question about whether I'd date if I knew that dating wouldn't ever result in a relationship, was that I don't date just to date, for fun, casually. There is an end game for me, and I think there is an end game in mind for every relationship-oriented person. I do not think that makes me weird, desperate, etc., etc.

 

In the same vein, I don't interview for jobs just to get to know different companies.

 

I think the two biggest vibes that come through your posts are anxiety and control.

 

Yes, I agree.

 

I know that I am very reactionary in my interpersonal dealings. If something happens in a relationship (romantic, friendship, professional, etc.) that wasn't what I was expecting or how I'd want it to be, I react almost immediately. Sometimes I react outwardly, by saying or doing something. Other times, the reaction is internal, via anxiety, panic, nausea, etc.

 

As I've matured, my reactions have become less outward/behavioral, and more inward/thinking. This change has helped me a great deal in obtaining the end results I want.

 

Oddly enough though, in the past (when I was a lot more fiery than I am now), my outward/behavioral reactions rarely, if ever, produced the end results I would have wanted, BUT yet I always *felt* better after I reacted. I never had any regrets. With regards to dating, I could just totally, 10000000% be me, without thinking about my next move. I might do something that would produce a result I didn't like, but my honest reaction would just be, "Oh well." Professionally, I had the same attitude. I'd just be my little badass self, and let the chips fall where they may. If it worked out, great. If not, I'd learn from the mistake, but never regret having made it (and I've made plenty!).

 

Now that my reactions are more inward/thinking based, situations play themselves out such that sometimes they *do* produce the end results I hope for, but the entire time that process is playing out... I'm *miserable*. Like, I really hate it. Professionally, I can and do deal well, as a well-thought out plan/strategy is one of the most important functions of my job. But personally/romantically, I just...hate it. I over-think every g'damn thing.

 

I've become much braver and more fearless in my professional and personal life in the past year or two.

 

Like what I was saying above, when I was outwardly reactionary - in a way that many might describe as "brave and fearless" - I felt better. I took risks.

 

Now, my every move feels more... calculated. Not in a manipulative way, but I think the sh*t out of every move before I make it. I didn't use to be that way, and I can't pinpoint when the change happened, either.

 

What's remarkable to me is that, while I'm slightly fearful about worst case scenarios - my business failing, things not working out with my man - I now recognize my nagging little fears for what they are - inconsequential worries that will most likely never come to be.

 

This is what's so annoying to me. Any of the worst case scenarios that I envision in life wouldn't be something new for me. I've experienced it all, pretty much. I'm stronger than most people, and I know that ultimately, after licking my wounds, I'd be just fine. So, I don't know why I let it get to me...

 

I've already come farther than I knew I could - all I had to do was get out of my own way.

 

How, like literally how, did you do this?

Edited June 11, 2013 by Star Gazer

[Star Gazer]

This is from an older thread of yours:

 

"EVERY single time I start dating someone new, the moment that I think, "Hmm, I like this guy, I'd be bummed if I didn't see him again," a pretty intense anxiety sets in."

 

I understand the giddiness, but this is what has me concerned. Is there something that these certain men all share that gives you this kind of anxiety?

 

Yes. Like that thread said, the common denominator in the onset of anxiety is the moment where I find myself thinking, "I like him, and I'd be bummed if I didn't get to see him again."

 

If I don't like him, I don't care, no anxiety sets in. The common denominator is simply liking them and wanting to see them again - literally just wanting to see them again - not even wanting a relationship with them.

 

The weirder part is that, say I feel this way... this whole, "Oh I hope he likes me too!" feeling. It causes me a TON of anxiety such that you'd think if/when it turns out he doesn't like me, I'd be oh so upset and devastated.

 

But that never happens.

 

If/when it turns out he doesn't like me, I have a sort of, "Damnit! Again!" stomp of the foot, and then just as quickly as the anxiety set in, I'm over it, and I almost feel... relieved.

 

Also, the speed at which the anxiety sets in is annoying. This current guy? I was about to write him off, because I thought he was being flaky and playing games. I called him on the carpet about it, and actually cancelled our last date, and wrote him off, and almost felt relieved that I had one less date to go on with a guy I was interested in! He immediately explained the miscommunication that had led me to thinking he was being flaky, and we went out... and I was so glad we did. I totally enjoyed the simple act of getting to know him a little better. I had the biggest smile on my face upon returning home, looking forward to the next time.

 

A couple hours later? The anxiety hit. "Will there even be a next time?" I thought (for a whole range of reasons: distance, possibly being a rebound, maybe I'm not quite his type, whatever). Blech. It makes me feel like, "I don't want to date anymore, if this is how even the GOOD experiences is going to make me feel!"

[Mme. Chaucer]

and yet you had a chance for true love ten times over.

 

What does that mean? That she's dated ten different men?

 

If they didn't fall in love or turn out to be suited for a lifetime together, that's not because of her passing up "chances."

[Star Gazer]

What does that mean? That she's dated ten different men?

 

It appears he thinks that if I passed up a decent guy who was into me (although I wasn't into him in return, at all), that I've passed up my chance for true love.

[tbf]

She is powered by a lot of emotional energy. It is more a product of personality than the position she's in.

It's possible for her to learn to detach sufficiently so she's not controlled by negative emotions. This is the beauty of neuroplasticity.

[Star Gazer]

It's possible for her to learn to detach sufficiently so she's not controlled by negative emotions.

 

How? Help me!

 

This is the beauty of neuroplasticity.

 

You and your fancy words. What is that?

[tbf]

Family, ribs and dinner need my attention right now but I'll be back later to try to help.

[xxoo]

I think the problem is not your excitement and hope (which is wonderful), but rather the timing of excitement and hope before he's earned it. It's an early impression, before you really know who he is and if that excitement is warranted.

 

Is there something you can pinpoint that triggers this strong interest so early, before you know if there is relationship potential? You could be stressing and suffering over people who are completely unsuited for you. Can you rationalize and remind yourself that next week your idea of this guy may be completely different?

 

Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to rewire and learn new pathways throughout life.

[Star Gazer]

I think the problem is not your excitement and hope (which is wonderful), but rather the timing of excitement and hope before he's earned it. It's an early impression, before you really know who he is and if that excitement is warranted.

 

Probably true, and yet also goes against what I advise of others!

 

Is there something you can pinpoint that triggers this strong interest so early, before you know if there is relationship potential? You could be stressing and suffering over people who are completely unsuited for you. Can you rationalize and remind yourself that next week your idea of this guy may be completely different?

 

The trigger seems to be when the physical is introduced, and I'm not talking about sex. It's been a while since I've done that. But once I find myself really physically attracted to someone, usually once we've made out, that's when it sets in.

 

I will try to remind myself that this guy might be completely unsuited for me, and that I need to find that out before I let myself get all worked up. Thanks!!

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like too much thinking to me. I totally get it, as I'm a big thinker who sometimes overthinks small things. A blessing and a curse.

 

Some of the best advice my boyfriend has given me, time and time again, is, "You think too much. Stop thinking and worrying. Things will get better." Then I take a deep breath, remember he's smart and sincere, decide to trust his simple good advice, and stop worrying and thinking. And 99 times out of 100, things get better. And the funny thing is that he does EXACTLY the same kind of worrying, and sometimes I have to give him the same kind of talk - though I usually focus more on making him laugh and sweet-talking him, cuz that's my style.

 

How, like literally how, did you do this?

It's hard to answer that simply. It's a combination of a lot of little things that add up to a big difference.

 

I resist the urge to fixate on negative details or possibilities, and instead focus on positive or neutral ones. What you focus on expands.

 

I approach my relationships and activities with a sense of lightness, freedom from obligation/duty, sense of fun. Even if I lost my friends or my boyfriend tomorrow, I would still want to make the most of this day with them - so I do.

 

I accept myself as I am, and put myself out there without worrying about how other people react to me, focusing instead on what I bring to the situation, how I'm enjoying myself.

 

I strive for 100% honesty with myself and others about what's really going on. An example of this is that I will now openly admit many of my most embarrassing fears and worries to myself and to people close to me, once I know I can trust them: I am/was lonely. I worry I'm not pretty enough to do X. I'm scared to tell my boyfriend about my crazy family. Facing that stuff and bringing it to light is a good first step to letting it go and getting over it.

 

I have good friends I can talk to about any dumb worry, including a couple of friends I can call anytime, even in blubbering tears. What's been sweet is that I've discovered through revealing more of my secret self that my friends have some of the same worries! Once you both put that stuff out on the table, it seems so silly and small. You can laugh at it.

 

I will make a party even of my worst moods. I'll put on something slinky, have a drink, blare music, and dance to my misery. It's amazing how fast this cheers me up. It's been a while since I've had to do this, but now I know how well it can work, so I can always fall back on it.

 

I gravitate toward positive people who are grateful for what they have - and people who appreciate me for who I am.

 

If you want to loosen yourself from the grip of worry, I think it's an ongoing effort. Start looking for ideas and guidance on thinking less and doing/experiencing/enjoying more. Anything about being in the moment, being less outcome-driven, accepting what is, being curious instead of judging, accepting rather than criticizing/judging, going with the flow. Do something regularly to indulge your creative side. This taps into the right side of the brain, which is the part that loses track of time and lets you run free.

 

It will be an ongoing journey - but life is all about the journey The cool thing is that as soon as you take just one step, the journey to any new place is underway.

[neveragain34]

Just think of all the other BAD dates you went on before meeting someone you were excited about! I'd trade the giddy/happy/nervous stage for another sparkless date anytime.

[Eddie Edirol]

I will try to remind myself that this guy might be completely unsuited for me, and that I need to find that out before I let myself get all worked up. Thanks!!

 

Yeah SG I would think that you of all people can read a guy to know if he is into you or not. Theres red flags, clues, what he says, seeing through the charm, is there a push pull game, how can you NOT tell? And why even worry about it before you truly know? Im sure you can ride the waves without bieng reserved in his perception.

Edited June 11, 2013 by Eddie Edirol

[Imajerk17]

I only had a chance to skim this thread. But a few thoughts popped into my head....

 

I myself am prone to worry. I worry about saying or doing something that will turn off someone whom I am really attracted to. Probably because it is so rare for me to meet someone available whom I truly am attracted to. Maybe you sre similar in this regard.

 

SG I know you've put a lot into your life. You work out have a bunch of interesting hobbies and have an impressive career. Thing is dating is the one area of your life where you will never have more than 50% control over. There's the other person and who knows about them at this point really. Which sucks because a career or a great single life cant keep you warm at night. So something very important isn't anywhere fully in your control and so you are stressing.

 

Maybe the answer is to accept this nervousness as normal and ironically the worst edge will go away.

Edited June 11, 2013 by Imajerk17

[Star Gazer]

Thank you, Ruby, for the effort you put into your post. It was very insightful and helpful.